Word Vomit

Self Punishment

2010-05-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

Life has been good lately. I'm meeting fun people who have good senses of humor here in Texas (it's about time!). I finally got a job. A new friend in the ward hooked me up with a great situation. The job itself has its ups and downs, but I guess all jobs do and right now I'm just so happy to be OUT OF THE HOUSE and NOT POOR! =) I've had some interesting experiences at the new place...there's definitely some "characters" there. Maybe another day I'll share some stories that I know you all love.

My baby Buggy moved away last week. It was a very tearful goodbye on my end (as I'm sure it would have been on hers if she had any idea that she wasn't going to get to see me everyday anymore, since I'm obviously her favorite person in the whole world besides her Mommy!). I'm really crossing my fingers that someday (hopefully sooner than later) I'll get to have a baby or two of my own that I don't have to move away from. It's heartbreaking to fall madly in love with these babies and kids and then not have them be a daily part of my life anymore.

Skylar is my bestie out here. If anyone had told me a few years ago that the sister 10 years younger than me would become my favorite person in the whole world, I would have gladly wagered a million dollars that they were mistaken. Good thing I didn't, because I definitely don't have the dough to pay up now. Anyway, I've resorted to lying about Skylar's age and grade (she's now "18 and graduating next week", lol) so that I can bring her along to parties and get-togethers with cool people from church. It's a win-win...I have a friend who gets my sense of humor and laughs irreverently at situations and people along with me, while she gets to stare and drool at a bunch of hot young men age 21-27ish...every 17 year old's dream! Don't worry, I'm very blunt in telling every guy we talk to that she is off limits and so far they all think that 18 is still too young for them. I'm either the coolest older sister ever, or the very very worst. =)

So yeah, life is good. I had an especially great day today. Then I came up to check Facebook. And this lame guy ("lame" is putting it VERY mildly, and kindly) that I kind of, sort of, dated last summer had posted something. And I commented on it. And then I fell into the trap of looking at pictures of him, then I dug into my archives and looked at pics and videos of times we spent together with his kids.

And now I just feel tired.

I really need to be careful about digging up those particular memories. I really need to just stop having any contact with him at all. If I was smarter or less inclined to inflict pain on myself I'd delete him as a Facebook friend altogether (again), and delete him from my phone (again) and vow never to talk to him again (again), and get rid of all those pictures and videos (again) except actually stick with it this time.

I got into a debate with a friend last week about what the ideal age for marriage is. I was adamant in my opinion that 90% of the time, any age before 24 is TOO YOUNG. He disagreed. My arguments all sounded very good at the time, about how when you're older you should be wiser, and have better life experience, and your brain is fully developed, and you know your own strengths and weaknesses better...but now I'm sitting here thinking about this stupid boy I allowed into my life last summer, who I'm STILL allowing into my life even from half a country away. I'm not 18 or 20 or even 24. I'm 26, so what's my excuse?

Maybe I'll have it figured out in my 30's? 40's? Or maybe it's not about age at all and my friend was right. Which would mean I'll keep making terrible, awful decisions about who I give my attention and emotions and esteem and maybe even my heart to, indefinitely.

I'm gonna go watch 24 now. Maybe living in Jack's world for a little while will put my own silly problems back into perspective. Or at least just distract me from them...did anyone else find it impossible to think about anything else last week when Jack GUTTED that guy to death?!

Lol, maybe it's 24's fault that I keep having crazy nightmares about cutting old women's hands off with saws. (She was a kidnapper and was trying to kill me ok?)

I need a therapist, stat. =)

Random Fun

2010-04-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

I don't want to forget this, so I'm writing it down here... Brittney is going to audition for her Middle School talent show, so she's been practicing a karaoke version of Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly." She did a demonstration for us sisters the other day, and then of course we ALL wanted to try singing some karaoke. Skylar went first, and she decided to show Brittney how it's done on Bubbly. It was going well until she realized she didn't really know the lyrics and had to improvise. Her best line?

"You give me sillies in my tingly place!"

Yes, she did. And yes, I will make sure to use that line in her wedding toast somehow.

My last posts have been heavy on the words (what do you expect from a blog titled Word Vomit?), so here's some recent pics of my adorable niece, Kyleigh, for you to enjoy:

Look at those cheeks! Is it any wonder I kiss them 1,000 times a day??

Sometimes we torture Ky-bug to amuse ourselves, but she still loves us anyway. Mostly because we bribe her with food and drinks she shouldn't have - see video below: (p.s. we learned this behavior from our dad)

Note: The weird panting sound you hear at the end of the video is us trying to get Kyleigh to do her latest "thing", where she scrunches up her face and smiles really big, then pants while she cheeses it up for us. We love it, but couldn't get her to do it on film.

Such a big girl! I love my Buggy-Baby!

Another Texas Tale

2010-04-14T23:37:00.001-07:00

I bet you think I broke my commitment, don't you? Well, I didn't. I spent over 2 hours writing potential blog posts the other night, but in the end they all came across as really rude or boring. So I hit delete and went to bed. There's a story I want to write out about one girl in particular here in TX, but when I try to describe her I just can't get it right. I think I was trying to give way too much info and background, so I'm going to try it again but keep it short and simple* this time, and hopefully not come across as too rude or judgemental. (*Disclaimer: Jessica + short-n-simple is usually an oxymoron, so just know I mean relatively short and simple)

Girl: 5'2 or 5'3ish, very blonde, huge smile, gives off a wholesome yet silly/flirty vibe, overall the type you just want to put into your pocket when you first see her. She tends to make boys drool a little. She will be referred to as "Bambi" from here on out.

Setting: FHE (The same one as the "scoot over" and "seaward" incidents. It was a big night for me.) A lesson on charity had just been given. The floor was opened up to comments. Bambi NEVER passes up an opportunity to comment or talk at church.

Bambi's comment (as best as I can recall):

So while you were talking, I came up with a list of things in my head that I want to share with everyone. (Sidenote: This intro clued me in right away that I was about to be amazed. Continuing on.) First of all, once I went to a psychiatric ward. As a volunteer, of course! Anyway, I met this man who was admitted because he was such a negative person. He was really unhappy because his wife was going to leave him because he was SO negative and he judged everyone he came across. He was so discouraged that he couldn't change, so I gave him some advice that I think we can all use. I told that man, "When you see someone and feel the urge to judge them, just tell yourself, 'Don't judge, love! Don't. Judge. LOVE!'...

I started laughing to myself at this point and then I got the list of possible FHE group names, so I was distracted for the next 5 minutes of her comment. I tuned back in to hear this:

...and a big part of charity is forgiveness. Now I've learned a lot about forgiveness and I hope that y'all can learn from my experiences instead of having to learn the hard way yourselves. So, I was a young widow at age 20, and then I got remarried at age 22. I went to the temple and was sealed. Two hours after my sealing for time and all eternity, my husband told me he hated my guts and wished he had never married me. I think maybe he got cold feet or something. But anyway that was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but I did forgive him and now we talk all the time, like every week. And I also give him advice and set him up with girls all the time! So I was able to forgive him and...

I tuned her out again at this point, and didn't hear any of the rest of her comments and advice. I was flabbergasted as I looked around the room, expecting to see people holding back laughs, or rolling their eyes, or maybe just looking confused. But no, all I saw were people nodding their heads and smiling, as if what this girl was saying was completely normal and, gosh oh gee, she really DID know all about charity and was really a wise little pixy!

I just don't get it. Have all my years in the Pacific Northwest turned me into a stone cold meanie? Am I completely jaded, or just looking for things to criticize? No, after thinking about it a lot, I would really like to think that MY reaction was not the strange one in that room on Monday night. The only thing that I can't figure out is WHY all those people seem to think that Bambi's comments are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean, granted she is VERY nice and sweet, and I really do believe that she means well with all of her strange stories and advice. But you can think someone is nice, and heck, even like them a lot, yet be able to recognize that sometimes the things they say are just plumb crazy.

So here are my 3 possible conclusions. Maybe you all can let me know which is/are the most probable in this case:

1. Other people DID think what she was saying was really TMI and a little self-righteous, and a lot strange. However, they are all just much better actors than me, and have more self-control over their eye-rolling and jaw-dropping reflexes.

2. Texans just expect people to ramble on about really personal things in their testimonies and comments? In Texas, you aren't spiritual unless you can back it up with evidence from your life, even if the evidence isn't very convincing?

3. Beautiful people can say dumb crap as much as they want and no one cares, because they're just so pretty. (I don't know whether I'd narrow this down to Texas, I think it may be a country-wide epidemic.)

So there you have it folks. Let me know how terrible and mean and judgemental I really am. Maybe Texas will make a kinder, gentler (more boring?) Jessica out of me yet, if I spend enough time here to let it.

Texas

2010-04-12T21:12:00.001-07:00

SO much to catch up on since last time I wrote...heartbreak, moving across the country, my wonderfully crazy family, visit to Utah, Cortney's visit to Texas, new job, the list goes on and on. Maybe I'll get to some or all of it eventually. Probably not. But tonight my mind is racing and racing with some of the crazy things that I've experienced here, and I'm wishing I had just one really irreverent friend to share my experiences and laugh with me. But since all of them live in other parts of the country, I'm going to record the best/funniest/most annoying things in this entry just to get it all out of my system!

Hm, I wonder if I can properly get these stories across in a written format instead of verbally. Here goes nothing!

1. Douchebag McGee (excuse the language, but really there's no other proper adjective for this guy). D.M. is in my ward. He's definitely Texan (most people I've met from here aren't) and I was prepared to like him at first, mostly just because I want a friend with a thick Texan accent. My first encounter with this guy was at a Church sporting event. People were playing indoor soccer, and he arrived late. He took a minute to observe the game and then yelled, "Ya'll are playin' like a BUNCH OF VAGINERS!" Abrasive? Sure, but I appreciated the humor of it too. The next time I saw him was across the chapel at church. We made brief eye contact and I smiled. He smiled back, I think. It's hard to trust this memory of him after all the lame things he's done since.

My third encounter with D.M. is the best, and has set the tone for our relationship since. I arrived at church late last month and rushed to the first seat I spotted at the end of a pew. I sat and then looked to my left and noticed D.M. was sitting 2 or 3 feet away from me. After a minute or so, he sneezed loudly. The guys behind him said bless you, and then he turned and LOUDLY whispered, "Thanks. I'm allergic to girls, and THAT one (pointing rudely at me), had the nerve to sit next to me!" Wow, thank you random vagina man! He shuffled around for a little while and then stood up and told me that I made him sneeze and he had to go. He left to go sit across the chapel. I was obviously self conscious after that, and scrubbed my wrists after the meeting thoroughly, because maybe he's allergic to perfume? But geez louise, first of all there was room for him to just quietly scoot over a few feet and second of all, HOW RUDE! (Sidenote: I tend to be sensitive to perfumes too, so when I wear them, I spray VERY sparingly. Maybe he's really allergic, but I just want to clarify that I never spray myself more than twice, from a distance.)

The next night was FHE, held in a ward member's home. I entered the house and as I was scanning the room, D.M. made eye contact with me and told me that I had better not be thinking about sitting next to him on the loveseat, because it was forbidden. Seriously. Then later that night, he wouldn't move out of the doorway when I needed to leave and when I lightly brushed his foot, he stopped me and stuck out his other foot and loudly invited me to "stomp on it too." I was seething, but decided he wasn't worth a response and just left so as not to make a scene.

I've avoided him since then until tonight. Tonight's FHE was at the church, and I once again arrived at the meeting late and rushed to sit down. I quickly heard a rude "Hey! HEY!" from behind me, and my blood pressure immediately began to rise as I turned around to see what Mr. Douchebag himself wanted this time. "I hope you know that you sat RIGHT in front of me, so now I'm not going to be able to see anything!"

I stared at him for one beat, and then sweetly said, "Oh no, I did?" I then changed my tone to uber-bisnitch and continued, "THEN SCOOT OVER!" I turned around and then proceeded to obnoxiously flip my hair around and constantly shift in my seat for the next 15 minutes. Hopefully he now realizes that I may look like a timid, chubby nerd, but I am actually a badass who is smarter AND wittier than him, and fingers crossed he'll leave me alone from now on. If not, I'm prepared to match him rudeness for rudeness.

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2. Texas humor is different than Jessica humor. Exhibit A: There's a girl at church whose initials are T.R.D. A group of kids was discussing this and a British guy commented, "Well that's a crap name." I immediately yelled out, "LITERALLY!" haha, get it? T.R.D. = turd = crap = literally a crap name. If you didn't get it, you should move to Houston, because no one else here got it either. I was forced to laugh at my own joke. Alone. What a waste of a funny.

Exhibit B My FHE group (sorry if you're not familiar with this term...I'm too lazy to explain it. Just know that it's a Mormon thing.) Anyways, my FHE group passed around a list tonight to nominate a formal name for the group. Each Sunday, the Bishop announces where and when the group will meet over the pulpit, and he will be using the name we selected from now on in his announcements. Once the list of possible names reached me, it contained suggestions like, "Kick Awesome Group," and "The Chuck Norris Group." Obvious attempts at humor, but really? Pfsh...amateurs. I immediately wrote down, "The Brother of Jared's SEAWARD Saints" (Emphasis added.)

This name was ingenius for a couple of different reasons. It was brilliantly subtle. The brother of Jared is a guy in our scriptures who led a bunch of people across the sea in little boats (like Noah, but on a smaller scale), so adding his name was good camoflauge for the naughty part of the title. Also, I thought the alliteration was a nice touch. The FUNNY part about the name is that Seaward SOUNDS just like "C-Word", which hopefully we all know is a very rude term used to describe girls. Admittedly I stole this joke from an episode of Arrested Development, but still, I think it was pretty great that I was able to use it in a church context. How awesome would it be to hear your ecclesiastical leader say "C-word Saints" into a microphone at church every week??

Ok, so the whole point of my hilarious title was to be subtle enough that not everyone would get it (such as the bishop, otherwise he would never approve). But I never thought that it would be SO subtle that NO ONE would get it. The group that was voting unanimously voiced their opinions that my name was super lame, and that they didn't want to be like the Brother of Jared anyways. (so. NOT. the. point. of. my. suggestion!) The joke flew right over their heads, and I didn't have one person who I could laugh with about how great my little plot could be. I was forced to text my innapropriate friend in Utah so that SOMEONE would validate that I am brilliantly funny, since no one in Texas understands. sigh.

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Wow, this Texas tangent is long. And there's still a lot more to go. Ok I'll take a break, and I commit to writing out a Part Two tomorrow. Goodbye for now, ya'll!

I'm Baaaaack!

2009-09-10T23:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's time to start writing again. Maybe. I can't actually promise I'll be consistent, but I have some things I just have to say so here's at least one entry for now...

1. I have a deep, dark secret I need to get off of my chest. Lean in so I don't have to say it very loudly...(and if you tell anyone and they ask me about it later, I'll deny it without batting an eye) I have an ldssingles.com account that I pay to renew each month. I don't pay to keep the account because it has resulted in me actually talking to anyone. Basically I keep it for entertainment because it reminds me of my favorite boardgame in the entire universe,

REAL PEOPLE!!!

This game is from 1991 and consists of hundreds of cards. The front of the cards have pictures of people of all sizes, genders, races and ages. Since the pictures were all taken in the late '80s and early '90s and they seriously are of just regular, real people from the streets of random cities, you can only imagine how hilarious they are. The backs of the cards have answers to interview questions the people were given. Childhood nickname, secret fantasy, etc. etc. My roommate in Utah resurrected this game from the Goodwill pile at our apartment complex, and we abandoned the rules of the game and instead spent night after night with our other roommates and guy friends choosing the awesomest cards in the bunch to show each other and laugh about.

So yeah, ldssingles is totally like that game. I've found myself addicted to scrolling through all the pages of pictures and profiles that are on that website. There are lots of normal, everyday people on there and since I'm totally voyeuristic I get some entertainment out of looking at those, but holy crap there are also a TON of crazy people on that website. I've been laughing and laughing at some of the pictures and crazy things that people have put on there. And I wonder what conclusions people who look at my profile come to about me.

2. I've now upped my "number" to 3. Well, 2 1/2 really. His name was Jon, and it was quite the soap opera. But that's a story for another day. I just wanted to say that having a fling was totally fun, and I don't think I'm sorry it happened, but now that it's over (my choice, well his too I guess, but really mine) I'm left more lonely and wanting than I was before. Maybe not dating for years and years isn't so bad, since after a while you just get used to being single. But you can't find someone significant without going through some insigificant people first, and those insignificant people just make your need to find the significant one even greater. I think I'm rambling, but oh well. I'm out of practice with the whole blog thing. (P.S. the number I'm referring to is kissing partners, so get your mind out of the gutters people!) (P.P.S. I know, I know - 26 years old and only 2 1/2 people I've kissed. Pathetic. Oh well, lol)

3. I'm no longer in the mansion. I like the new place muchly, but I miss Jessie. I'm also feeling a little restless with my life. I'm contemplating moving again, especially since my parents and 2 sisters are abandoning me for Houston in a few months so my ties to Vancouver will become limited. Right now I'm most tempted to move to North Carolina a. because my favorite cousin and his wife who is just one of my favorite people period live there and I want to be near them and b. because the wife promises that I'll be able to find lots of dating opportunities. Which I am not ashamed to admit I'm looking for.

4. Wow, I didn't know this whole entry would turn into a "All roads lead to Rome" type of post. Except here it's "All Roads Lead to Jessica Being Single and Not Liking It Much".
Hm, what else can I write? Oh, I know! I don't want to write it all out again, but for your viewing pleasure, I'm going to copy and paste a google chat convo I had with my good friend Robbie describing the most bizarre experience I've ever had in a work setting. It has NOTHING to do with me being single, so it's a good way to end this post. Enjoy!

me: oh, i have a story for you if you're interested
i really should post it on my blog, but i think i've retired

Robbie: oh no
well yeah i want to hear the story for sure

me: now?

Robbie: yes

me: ok so...
Last week at work was SUPER stressful and I was in a bad mood pretty much all day everyday. I was snapping at rude coworkers and not being as friendly/talkative with patients as usual, and just in general hated everyday. So on Friday afternoon, my manager called me into her office. She had me close the door and sit down and then said she'd noticed I hadn't been my usual self that week. I immediately agreed with her and began to explain why. But she interrupted me.

To ask if I was about to start menstruating.

I told her I didn't think so. So then she asked if my depression was acting up (I made the mistake of telling her I had depression once and I'll never live that one down)

Robbie: haha she sounds very impertinent

me: I assured her that my pissiness did not extend beyond work hours and that I'd actually been very happy in my personal life.

me: Oh, you have no idea. Side note, she's told my coworkers they a. need to lose 100 lbs b. are unfit to be mothers and c. should hurry up and get married and lie about the due date so no one judges them...yeah.

Robbie: i like her

me: Anyways, I started to list all the (totally valid) reasons why work was stressful that week and yet again I was interrupted. This time she leaned forward, put her hand on the desk and looked earnestly into my eyes, and then said,

"Jessica, this is between you and me and I'm only saying it because you are a fellow Latter Day Saint. Sometimes we get into a 'mood' that lasts days or even weeks. We start to wonder what's wrong with us, and blame ourselves. But Jessica, I want to assure you of something -

Robbie: haha i can't wait for this

me: Satan is very real, and there are REAL evil spirits roaming this earth, and they will choose people to attach themselves to. I fear that this is happening in your case. I want you to know that you absolutely have the right to go to the temple and pray, and command these spirits to leave you. And they will. There is nothing wrong with YOU. We just are too quick to dismiss when this happens as a bad mood or a flaw on our part. But this is NOT from a father in heaven who loves you. It is evil spirits who have attached themselves to you."

Robbie: hahahaha

me: Yeah, so apparently i'm totally possessed, but only at work

Robbie: that is so much better than i expected. oh of course that happened

me: ROBBIE
holy crap
she was DEAD serious
and then she repeated a version of that speech 2 more times
and kept telling me to go to the temple

Robbie: haha. i like that she repeated it

me: finally i was just like, "wow, thank you. You've really given me a lot to think about."

Robbie: hahaha
haha
ha
oh man
so great

me: =) I thought you'd like that one. I haven't been to the temple yet, but now at least i know it's an option for my possessed self.

Robbie: haha. you probably should

me: yeah, for more reasons than that
haha
so bizarre

Robbie: haha yeah. i love that so much. This lady is comic gold

me: you have NO idea
you would DIE if you saw her
she's 65 and wears a pants suit and high pointy heels everyday
her make up is absolutely CAKED on
but the BEST part about her is that she wears her bangs in a huge bouffant style and has a PONYTAIL WIG that attaches to the top of her real hair and then drapes down the side of her face and ends just above her stomach

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Oh dear, I really shouldn't post that story on here. I'm crossing my fingers that no one who shouldn't reads it. But it's too bizarre and hilarious NOT to post. Oh well, if I get fired then I'll really be free to move across the country, right? Right!!

Life Update

2009-02-05T15:17:00.001-08:00

Well I'm sorry about that last (apparently totally unacceptable) post. Haha. I know I'm a huge blog-slacker on BOTH of my blogs, but it's hard to feel like you have any good material when you don't have husbands or cute kids to talk about all the time. Here's an update on the life of a single, female, 25 year old student...

The "Boy" I talked about in my "I suck at accepting compliments" post disappeared. Well, not by his choice. He tried to call me and text me once more after the whole Hey Beautiful fiasco, but I just never responded. I maybe, might have not responded because his voice was high pitched and weird sounding. I know, I'm totally judgmental and rude but hey, that's my prerogative!

I am now attending what was supposed to be my last semester of college but I absolutely hated one of my classes so I dropped it. That means I'll still have 6 weeks after this semester, but it's just one class so I'm not too worried about it. Honestly the idea of not being in school anymore freaks me out a little which I was not expecting. But with graduation comes real adulthood, and student loan debt! I'm not even really sure if I'll be able to find a good job but I'll figure it all out I guess.

I'm still living in the mansion and watching Jessie. I'm also still T.A.'ing and working at the Physical Therapy Office. Now I watch my friends' 4 month old every Friday too. And I'm the choir director in church. The truth is that all of these things are VERY, VERY part time, but I secretly really love listing them all off, preferably without taking a breath, because it makes people think I'm some sort of super-woman who can take the whole world on successfully. Really though, I'm still the same old, lazy, slacker-ish Jess I've always been. I'm just better at disguising it now.

I have officially begun attending the single's ward again. Surprisingly it's been much better this time around. Going to a counselor MUST have been at least a little helpful, because I find that I'm not nearly as socially anxious as I used to be. I've been able to talk to several new people comfortably. One guy even asked for my number, and he wasn't even mentally retarded! I've eye-balled a couple of boys who seem cute and normal so maybe I'll try being bold and manipulate one or more of them into asking me out on dates. I fully realize that it's stupid and lame to mention the single's ward and then dating prospects in the same paragraph, but I'm not gonna lie, meeting boys is the only reason I switched. I'm now officially One of Those Mormon Girls on the hunt for a man...a walking cliche. But whatev.

Speaking of boys, I am madly in love with one. It's the feet guy from the last post. He's been causing all sorts of drama in my life for the last few months without meaning to. He is one of my best friends, sometimes THE best friend. He's good and smart and fun and even good-looking. So what's the problem? There's only two:

One. He's not Mormon. Don't judge me, it's not a problem for me...it's a problem for him. He knows lots of us silly LDS people, and he's aware of the whole "if you don't get married in the temple, you're only married 'til death do you part" belief we have, and since he has no intention of becoming Mormon himself he would never even think of trying to date me because he's so noble and crap. Gag.

Two. I have, yet again, firmly entrenched myself in "friend mode" with the kid. (I totally suffer from Buddy-itis, and have for many years. If any of you find a pill to cure it, send it my way please.) He's not attracted to me one iota as far as I can tell. And ok, I realize that I'm far from a perfect 10 on the looks scale, but I think I'm cute enough for him. Maybe. Besides that though, I'm everything he's ever wanted in a girl. I know it because, as one of his best friends, it's been my pleasure to listen to him discuss everything he's looking for in a future love interest. But for some reason, he just only sees me as his friend. One of his closest, and probably THE best girl friend, but that's all. I tried to have "the talk" with him last weekend and worked myself up to just flat out tell him how I feel. It didn't really work out the way I planned though. I at LEAST said enough stuff that hinted at my true feelings that he'd have to be a COMPLETE MORON not to know what's been going on with me, but he's still pretending that he has no idea why I've been acting all crazy and jealous and yes, even a little clingy, lately. So I guess I just have to re-train my brain and heart to be content with our friendship (which I'm TOTALLY grateful for) because I guess it's never going to be anything more.

Boo, that was depressing. I'll end on a better note that's related to loving that boy. So, if you read my Story blog, you'll know that I haven't had the best luck at trying to woo boys using food. But my friend was having a really bad day right before Christmas, so I decided to anonymously take him some delicious cookies. Of COURSE he would figure out that they were from me and it would carve out a little space in his heart for me, right? Wrong.

First I made the cookies. They were peanut-butter cookies with Hershey's kisses stuck on top when they came out of the oven. I used a recipe I hadn't ever tried before and I'm not gonna lie, the cookies were not as delicious as I had hoped for. But I figured he wouldn't be picky (plus I was too lazy to mix up another batch of dough) so I decided to forge ahead with the plan anyway. I took my sister with me to his house and made her place a plateful of cookies on his doorstep. They were covered in foil, and I had written "Merry Christmas" on the foil. We drove away, me with a big smile on my face thinking how happy it made me to perform anonymous service. Even if he didn't figure out it was me who had done it, the warm fuzzy feeling would be enough reward for me!

Several hours later, I got a text message from him about, well I don't remember what about but it didn't involve cookies. We started talking via text and eventually he wrote, "Hey, did you leave some cookies on my doorstep earlier today?" YES! My plan was working! I replied, "Well, I might have done that, yes." I sent the message and giddily waited for his text message which would be full of gratitude for the cookies, but even more for my kind heart and maybe then he'd tell me that this gesture made him realize his True Feelings for me and that he was coming over right away with some flowers and love poems I had inspired.

"Oh, well stuff left on our doorstep without a name on it makes my mom really nervous." is what appeared on the screen of my phone instead.

"Oh, so you haven't eaten any of them?"

"Nope, but I'll go ahead and have one now."

"Uh, I'm sorry. Yeah, they're from me. Make sure that your mom and brother get some too. I'm so sorry I didn't put my name on them but I promise they're safe to eat."

Now I was just embarrassed. The cookies weren't even that good in the first place, and now they were all stale because his mom thought some weirdo had left poisoned treats on her doorstep.

"Um, are these peanut butter cookies?"

"Yeah they are."

"Oh, well my brother is allergic to peanuts. But thanks."

STRIKE THREE. I may have well left poisoned cookies on his doorstep, since eating just one would have swelled his brother's throat shut and killed him. That probably wouldn't have helped my chances of marrying my friend at all.

Ay ay ay. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I'm totally screwed because I'm racking up a TERRIBLE track record with attempts to make sweet treats for boys I'm interested in.

Ha, I think I'm really funny. All right, I'll end here. I'll try to update this thing more often but I'm not making any promises. You all haven't been writing as much as you used to either though, so don't get too snippity with me (a-hem, Jeanette!) lol. Good night!

It's a Sign

2009-02-03T23:17:00.000-08:00

How do I know it's true love? We sit with our feet in the same weird position without even realizing it!

Who, Me?

2008-12-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have a new goal and it is this: Learn to take compliments graciously...both externally AND internally.

It should be totally easy right? Wrong. When I get a compliment, my reaction is one of the following:

1. Brush it off and change the subject
2. Inform the person paying the compliment that they're mistaken and then offer "proof"
3. Tell the person paying the compliment that they are stupid (Seriously, I do this all the time - sometimes I tell them that they are "SO stupid")
4. Assume the person paying the compliment is insincere and totally ignore them

Actually, there's a couple of things that I am willing to be complimented on. First of all, my sense of humor. It's the one trait that I fully embrace and acknowledge to be fabulous. I know that I am pretty smart and also that I give pretty decent advice to friends and family in need of it.

I'm trying to think of more things that I'm willing to accept compliments about, but I'm coming up blank.

The reason this is on my mind is because there might be A Boy. We were getting along fabulously through text messaging and e-mails, and just when I had prepared myself to start talking to him on the phone and maybe even go on a date with him, he sent me a text message that began, "Hey Beautiful!" Ew. Ok, BESIDES the whole cheesy factor (which, c'mon, is HUGE here), my instant reaction to his stupid text message was to write him off as really desperate and/or socially retarded. Because in my mind, a normal, intelligent, un-desperate guy would never call me beautiful based on my looks. And he hasn't known me long enough to base it on my personality.

I know, I know, I have some MAJOR issues. Sorry you have to hear about this sad side of me. This blog has morphed into a place where I just post pictures and silly things, but it's original purpose was to serve as a sounding board and venting place. So even though more people read it now, and this is completely embarrassing to be writing about in a public forum, I'm putting it here.

Anyway, I don't know how I'm going to handle that boy. But in general, I recognize that I really need to start pretending to believe people when they compliment me, and maybe even eventually ACTUALLY believe them. I can smile and offer a sincere "thank-you" when kind words come my way. It will help me be a more positive person and easier to be friends with. Also (not that I have a lot of first-hand experience with this), I HEAR that when you date/marry someone, they should, like, love you or something and probably it's also good for them to TELL you that they love you and why. No one will do that if I never give them the chance to.

Ok, game on. Starting today. I'm going to be a gracious, compliment-accepting machine!

Thanksgiving in Moab: The Dinner

2008-12-08T11:33:00.000-08:00

After Denny's, all four of us were cold and tired, so we went back to our hostel to rejuvinate. We ended up taking a really long nap that was WONDERFUL! We woke up feeling calm and cozy and warm...ahhh, it makes me happy just thinking about it. Robbie and Greg were determined to go to a park in town that we had scouted out before and start a fire in the grill there to cook our tin-foil dinners. It was still pouring down rain, so Red and I didn't think it was going to happen, but we gamely helped them gather everything they needed and we all headed to the park. Red and I got to sit in the car and get to know each other better while Robbie and Greg actually managed to get a roaring fire going!

While Red and I were in the car, we saw a group of three young hobo's approach the fire. They warmed their hands and chatted with the boys for several minutes. I really wanted to get out and talk to them too, but the rain kept me in the car. I wish I had just done it anyway though, because Robbie told me that the people were super interesting. They lived in the desert and just came into town occasionally to do odd jobs...enough to earn a little money for food and drugs. One of the guys used to be a Rainbow person, a group of people I had just barely learned about. He said he stopped though, because when he went to their big conference, he had to put out like 4 forest fires. He also said he was too "pirate" to be one of those dumb hippies, whatever that means. Robbie didn't ask what he meant by that, which is exactly why I should have been out there talking to him.

After Robbie reported about the hobo-encounter, Red and I decided to get out of the car and encourage our men in their dinner-making efforts. (It helped that there was a covered pavilion and hot chocolate for us to enjoy.) We had a fun time finishing the dinners, and we ended that portion of the evening by singing some more hymns of gratitude and then headed back to the hostel.

Our tin-foil dinners smelled SO DELICIOUS and we were stoked to have our awesome Moab Thanksgiving dinner. The theme of the dinner was "CLASSY," so we set the table with an old, gross blanket as the table-cloth, styrofoam bowls and plastic utensils, and best of all, our plastic wine-glasses that you had to assemble because the cup and the stems weren't attached. Oh, and of course the centerpiece and mascot of our classy dinner was our bottle of de-alchoholized Merlot.

The table was set, the food was out, and all that was left was to list our Thank's and have our prayer. The guys made us all hold hands around the table and then I had to say the prayer. Both of the boys were squeezing my hands while I prayed, which I thought was strange. I found out later that Robbie was just examining a burn on one of his fingers, so really it was just Greg that was squeezing my hand as a sign of support and friendship while I prayed in (kind-of) public (which I hate doing, by the way.) We were all feeling super content and happy and cheesy and CLASSY, and finally the moment we had been anticipating had arrived...it was Time for the Wine! We poured it, and swirled it, and sniffed it, and then we all took a swig. And it was AWFUL, DISGUSTING, PUTRID, GROSS, EW, BLECH and also JUST what we had been hoping for! Totally classy. And hilarious. Seriously, it tasted like yeast and vinegar and grapes. If that is what real wine tastes like, what on earth are all of you wine-o's out there thinking?

Before:

After:

After our dorky wine moments, we dug into our real dinners, and they were amazing. I highly recommend tin-foil turkey dinners to everyone. Everything was cooked perfectly. Greg and I cooked yams as well, and those were also sooo yummy. After dinner, we had Thanksgiving S'mores, which consisted of homemade gingerbread, pumpkin-pie-puree` spread, and roasted marshmallows (I forgot the chocolate, but that probably would have made them even better.) All in all, despite the rain and the lateness of dinner, it turned out just as good as I had been hoping for. It may go down as my most memorable Thanksgiving dinner ever!

Friday morning arrived, bringing sunshine with it. We packed up the car, and as we were about to leave I saw something on the ground by the passenger side door. I bent over and uncovered...a half-buried baggy of marijuana!! It actually wasn't that suprising, considering the hippies who live at the hostel had been smoking the stuff the whole time we had been there, but I still thought it was hilarious. Especially since Robbie was freaking out a little and begging me to throw the bag away. He's usually not easily riled, but he really hates drugs apparently. I made him take a picture of me with the good stuff, and then after musing whether or not we should sell the baggy to pay for a tank of gas, I threw it back on the ground and we were off.

Greg really wanted to do one last hike, so we drove to Canyonlands National Park, and Robbie and I opted to wait in the car while Greg and Red went on their own little adventure. Robbie graded papers while I listened to music and just took a few minutes to reflect on my life and on the weekend. Robbie is one of those amazing friends that I can talk to for ever and ever, but also we can just sit together quietly without feeling the need to fill the silence for no reason. It was nice.

We left Moab behind us and went back to Provo, and our wonderful Thanksgiving adventure was done. I'm so glad that I went with the people I did, that we stayed in the place we did, that our food turned out the way it did, and that God created all those amazing Moab rock formations for us to enjoy the way He did.

Back in Provo, I was able to eat at one last fabulous restaurant (Zupa's!), watch some great kids spread Christmas cheer, enjoy a free musical, play some intense speed scrabble, and then talk until 3? 4? AM with my friend Glade (thanks, by the way, for the good talk and for being so honest and open with me...I enjoy talking to you more than you even know!) before driving back to SLC, turning in my rental car and getting on a plane to come back home.

Whew! I can't believe I made it through all that. Congratulations to you if you made it through too...I give you a GOLD STICKER! I hope everyone's Thanksgivings were full of good food, family, friends and memories.

Thanksgiving in Moab - The Hiking

2008-12-02T20:36:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that we were up playing games and giggling until very late the night before, all four of us managed to get up bright and early on Thursday. We loaded all of our food in the "boot" of the car and set off for Arches National Park. It was chilly and cloudy, but Greg optimistically noted that "the clouds look like they're going to burn off!" We bundled up against the cold and started off towards our first arch. Before the arch, we went to a scenic overview and I yelled out loud to hear my own echo and then joked that we should sing a song. I forgot that I was there with a bunch of cheesy, music-loving Mormons and they took me seriously. After some feeble protests on my part, we began to sing a hymn. When we began, there were some people approaching and we gained confidence and sang out enthusiastically in 4-part harmony. When we finished, the people were nowhere to be found. I guess they didn't appreciate our "special moment."

We spent the morning walking around Balanced Rock, the North and South Windows, and other amazing rock formations.

I was amazed by all the wonders of nature we were seeing, and at one point I was standing off on my own, just taking it all in (or trying to) and feeling in awe of my surroundings. I glanced around after a few moments, and what did I see but Robbie laying down taking a mini-nap. I don't know why, but that totally cracked me up.

Just as we decided to go see the grandaddy of all arches, Delicate Arch, Greg's optimistic prediction proved to be very false and the heavens opened. I listened to every song about rain on my i-pod so I couldn't hear the sound of my loud breathing (high altitude + fatness = trouble getting oxygen while hiking). The trail led to the side of a stone mountain that we scaled like goats. My friends went ahead at my insistence, and I passed a man coming down who said he was giving up because "this was supposed to be an easy-ass hike, but I'm turning the hell around and I'll just look at the thing on the internet." I'll admit, I was slightly tempted to follow his example, but I pressed on and luckily for me (sadly for that man) the hard part of the hike soon ended. The walk to the arch was wet and cold and oxygen-lite, but the cliffs and rocks were actually really beautiful in the rain.

The Delicate Arch was seriously so wonderful! It looked all glisten-y and smooth in the rain. There were other hikers there with us, including a group of Indian guys. We had a long conversation with them under the arch and made friends with them, although the kind of friends where I can't pronounce or remember their names. But still, we laughed together and shared our travelling tales and mini-life stories and also they wanted pictures of/with us...so even though I'll never see them again, (and even if I did I wouldn't know what to call them), we're still friends.

My favorite part of the "Delicate Arch" pictures is that if you look closely at the picture of Robbie and I, you can see a little figure under the arch shaped like an X. That X is Greg, and we accidentally captured his moment of unadulterated JOY at being there. Fun, right?

We were soaked completely through our clothes after the arch, so we decided to call it a day and headed back to the car. It was way too wet out to start a campfire for our Turkey dinners, so we decided to wait and see if the rain cleared that night. Instead, we went to Denny's for Thanksgiving lunch! It was surprisingly crowded, and while we were eating our Indian friends walked through the doors and were seated right across from our booth. I was so happy to see them again, but not enough to acknowledge them. I guess we're not the type of friends who like, smile or talk to each other.

Whew, who knew 3 days could give me so much to talk about? And I'm only giving the bare details! Sorry if you're a little bored, but it's good for me to write this stuff down while it's fresh so I can remember it better later. Stick with me though, because next time I'll be writing about the best parts of the trip...DINNER, HOBOS, and DRUGS!!

V-A-C-A-TION (I'm singing this in my head as I type it)

2008-12-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

One week ago today, I was sitting in my cousin Nathan's (and his wife, my cousin-in-law? Lynn)apartment digesting a full stomach of delicious Cafe Rio food in Provo, UT. I was there for my Thanksgiving Break and it was SO MUCH FUN! (Despite the fact that I didn't get to see you, Kizzie. I'm coming again this summer so for sure we HAVE to get together then!!) Monday night was filled with good food, good company (Nathan and Lynn are the best!) and fabulously awful television! The three of us share a love of ridiculous t.v. and since they have Ti-Vo, we got to watch Hannah Montana, Little People Big World, Jon and Kate Plus 8, AND the Hills all in one night.

Nathtan and Lynn left early the next morning to drive to Washington for Thanksgiving, so I was left to my own devices. I got together with my old friend Mark and we hung out for a few hours. It was fun and also we got to eat at Burger Supreme, which makes the best fast food in the whole continental U.S. of A. (In case you don't already know, I get just as excited about all the wonderful restaurants there are to eat at in Provo as I do about seeing my family and friends. I know it's pathetic, but whatever it's also never going to change.)

After lunch, I bid Mark adieu and then went to my alma mater (is it only that if I graduated there? Or can I claim it since I attended there for a term?) UVU to pick up Robbie. The rest of Tuesday was spent shopping and seeing old friends and meeting new friends and hanging out in church and telling stories. I don't remember what I had for dinner that night, so it must not have been Provo-licious. Anyway, Robbie and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning eating orange rolls and talking about his life and it was great.

On Wednesday, Robbie, Greg and my new friend Jessica a.k.a. "Red" left for our Moab Thanksgiving Adventure. Robbie, Greg and I have done the whole road-trip thing together so I knew they'd be great, but I was nervous about introducing someone new to the mix, especially a girl, but I liked her right off the bat and Red turned out to be an amazing travelling companion.

After driving an hour on the wrong freeway, the four of us stopped for lunch and then realized we were NOT on the correct route. Some people may have been upset by this, but since we were putting the miles on a rental car and we had enough good music to last us several months, we were able to just laugh about adding 2 hours to our trip. We finally made it to Moab and checked into our hostel...the Lazy Lizard. I am now a huge fan of hostels. They give you beds and warm rooms and showers and ours even had a kitchen and living room (those parts were shared with other guests, but still...awesome!) all for less than $10 per night. Our building was crawling with hippies, but besides their constant stern warnings not to use their pans with the pink handles (those were vegetarian pans), they were pretty good housemates. They were probably just really mellow from all the pot.

We spent that night driving through the Red Rocks, and eating delicious Thai food. Then we decided to go ahead and prepare our Thanksgiving dinner ahead of time so we could have all day Thursday to hike around Arches National Park. Moab had a great little grocery store and we bought everything we needed for dinner, including WINE! (and plastic wine cups for the wine!) Ok, it was de-alcholized, but we were totally stoked to have classy wine and cups for our friends' Thanksgiving. Excited in a way that only nerdy Mormons can be. Back at the hostel, we chopped and seasoned and wrapped our food in tin-foil and prepared our sides and coolers for the next day. The plan was to hike until late afternoon, and then find a camping spot and start a fire and then make tin-foil dinners (aka hobo dinners). Except our tin-foil dinners were for Thanksgiving so they had turkey meat in them and we also prepared yams.

After preparing our Thanksgiving dinner (with a twist), we decided to go to bed early so we could have a FULL day on Thursday. Greg was the only one who followed through with that plan though, since Robbie and Red and I were too distracted by our games of BOMB and 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon to actually go to sleep.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in a weird mood and just now decided that this post was too long, so I'll continue with my Moab/Utah adventures later this week. I seriously will -- this won't be like the Logger's Jubilee post that never came to fruition.

On an unrelated note, Jeanette and Karin (and Lynn too, for that matter), what the heck are we? Are we cousins? Are we cousins-in-law? (cousin-in-laws?). Am I just your husband's cousins? Are you just my cousins' wives? Will we be real cousins after like 5 years? I'm so confused by our relationships. Well, actually just about what to call them. The relationships themselves just make me happy.

Oh man, also unrelated...I'm having church crisis. Not a soul-searching, is god really there, who am i really crisis. Just a oh crap, I went to the single's ward and the only person who talked to me was my crazy semi-retarded stalker-since-i-was-15 man (who STUNK by the way) kind of crisis. And so now I don't know where I want to go to church. I was all stoked to go to a congregation full of kids around my age, but since stupid Aaron (long story) goes to that ward and steals my other friends so I can't sit by them, I'm totally screwed unless my friend Grant comes to church. But when he doesn't, I'm left sad and alone or sad and stalked. It's quite a predicament. If any of you know of a smart, willing man who wants to help me to NOT be single anymore so I don't have to deal with this single ward crap, I'd surely appreciate you sending him my way.

Ok, I really am done now. But you should be excited for the pictures still to come of beautiful Arches and fabulous Thanksgiving!

Pictures Pictures Pictures (and Some Not-Famous People)

2008-11-23T11:50:00.000-08:00

I just really love this picture of the sunset outside my house earlier this week. It was perfect timing too, because I've been all bummed out and moody for the last 3 weeks, and then I got a shot in the arm of happiness (the "shot" consisted of 1 part hot chocolate, 2 parts good book, 3 parts amazing women and 4 parts faith in God. Mix thouroughly and partake...and you're good to go!) Anyways, the weather's been extra dark and rainy this week but then the day I started feeling happy again, the rain started to subside and by eveningtime THAT sunset took place. I felt it fit my mood perfectly.

Yesterday, between the "hormonal" and "idiot" parts (see previous two posts), was a busy and fun day. The family I live with went out of town for the weekend, so Jessie and I were left to our own devices all weekend. I took her to my old high school where my sister was participating in a cheer competition. Jessie was amazingly content the whole time (probably because there were lots of cute boys for her to observe). I was in a picture-taking mood, so here are the results of that...

Skylar in all her Cheerleader Glory

Ok, this picture makes me laugh because I keep thinking "Skylar, quick...go make sure mom and dad get to that prom together, or you might never be born!" Because remember Back to the Future and how his body parts kept fading away one after another while he played Johnny Be Good and Earth Angel?

Mom is Skylar's biggest fan.

The next series of pictures are from when I tried to get a good shot of Jessie and I together. The first three make me laugh. A lot. Jessie was really distracted by watching a little boy fight with his mom, and she was annoyed with me for trying to make her look at the camera instead.

This one was almost a good one...

And finally one with Jessie actually looking at the camera AND smiling! I look a little gross, but I'll take what I can get.

The "Mom, Jessica, Skylar" photoshoot. We were obviously feeling silly at this point.

After the cheer comp, I took Jessie to see Twilight. She loved it, and I loved listening to her laugh whenever someone got hurt or was killed. It cracks me up when she thinks violence and pain are funny.

We met up with my mom and Skylar again after the movie and all drove together to The Cheesecake Factory to celebrate my mom's birthday (it was earlier this week.) After we were seated in our booth, we noticed that this guy was standing right next to me and he was dressed like a CIA agent...complete with dark sunglasses and an earpiece. There were 3 others just like him positioned down the restaurant aisle. We glanced around excitedly to see who was being guarded, but all we could see was 4 tables-worth of tackily and skankily dressed people across from our booth. The girls all had gross wigs and fishnets on and the guys were wearing sunglasses and muscle shirts and "bling". My mom tried asking the guard if the people were famous and he wouldn't respond to her (just like the British castle guards!), and instead of just giving up, she KEPT talking to him. At one point she (loudly) said, "I just feel so bad, I mean it probably hurts their feelings that we don't even know who they are if they're famous, so if you just tell us then THEY will feel better!" I had to kick her under the table to get her to stop talking. But then she kept pestering our waiter to find out if someone famous was sitting just feet away from us. Luckily, our server was super-cute (Jessie was totally making googly eyes at him all night) and nice to my mom and he even tried talking to the guards himself to get info for us. But nothing worked, so we left dinner with our curiousity never satisfied.

When I marry Mark Ruffalo, I'm totally not inviting my mom to the wedding. She's too embarrassing around famous people.

I think this post is super random, but whatever. I needed an excuse to put off getting ready for church so I chose this. Speaking of that, does anyone else out there HATE getting ready for stuff? I mean, I enjoy looking nice and I love it when my outfit and hair and make-up reach perfect harmony, but ugh! The effort it takes to get there makes me tired just thinking about it. Maybe I'm not a real girl since I hate the primping process?

You Know You're an Idiot When...

2008-11-23T00:40:00.000-08:00

you spend over an hour loading and reloading a video from your digital camera to your computer and search the camera's user manual, amazon.com and google because the video has sound on the camera, but none on the computer, and then when you've reached your wit's end you realize headphones are plugged in to your computer and THAT is why the video can't be heard.

Today has obviously been kind of a weird day, lol.

You Know You're Hormonal When...

2008-11-22T09:13:00.001-08:00

You cry like a baby through the end of "Cheaper by the Dozen".

Seriously. Like a baby.

Tagged!

2008-11-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

I was a tag virgin until today...thanks for taking my innocence, Jeannette. ;-) Here's the 6th picture from my 6th folder:

It's from a "sister's night" I had with my sisters when we went out to eat and then miniature golfing in April of last year. I have more pictures of all 5 of us in the folder, but this happened to be the 6th one, so there you go. Kelsey's on the left, Skylar in the middle and then me.

In other news, I really really need chocolate, Pepsi and ibuprofen right now. (I'll give you 3 guesses why.) It's not good timing for my hormones and body to be all out of wack, since this week has been CRAZY at school and I've had zero motivation to write any of my papers or study for quizzes and tests. I was "studying" with my chemistry lab partners yesterday and instead of being helpful, I think all I succeeded in doing was amazing them with my ability to have 37 distinct moods and personalities in a 3-hour time-span. =) Oh well, at least with medication my craziness is limited to just a few days a month instead of 365 days a year, haha.

Since November is Thanksgiving Time...

2008-11-02T21:59:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd start early with the giving thanks thing. Tonight, I am grateful for:

A mom who lights up so much when my sisters and I "let" her hang out with us. She loves how young we keep her, and I love how fun (and funny/nerdy) she is.

A dad who makes the best homemade caramel ever!

Sisters who are finally old enough to also be my bestest friends.

My BFF Mel and her hubby and her mom and her sister who are so fun to hang out with. (And have been for the last 12 years! Except Nick, who's been fun since we met but that was only like 4 years ago)

Good music.

Evidence that God knows me and loves me.

Parking-lot conversations under the stars

Internet television

Sappy romance movies

LAUGHTER!!!

Blogs that let me keep tabs on friends and family that live far away.

Ok, that's all I have for now. Well, at least all I can think of. I'm grateful for lots more stuff, obviously, but for some reason I thought I was in a writing mood but I'm getting writers block now. It's a start at least and I'll try to remember all the rest of the parts of my life that make me happy and thankful for future entries.

Triggers

2008-10-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

My friend Cortney told me about a new blog today and I just spent the last 2 hours reading it from beginning to end. I highly recommend it...just link to it from my list over there on the right side of the page ------> it's the "Cordy" one.

Now I'm being bombarded with all of these old memories of when I used to be madly in love with my good friend and how wonderful and awful it was. He's long since gotten married and we never even talk anymore, but it's kind of fun remembering how much a part of each other's lives we used to be.

Reading it also makes me motivated to keep losing weight, except it's for all the wrong reasons. I recently started Weight Watchers (for I think the 7th time), and so far I'm on week 3 which is 2 weeks longer than I've made it before. I feel like it's going to be different this time and that in 6 months from now I'll be a whole new me, but I've felt like that before. I wonder what makes the difference and how I can make it stick this time. I'm tired of feeling so unconfident just because of the way that I look. I want to lose weight to have energy and to be healthier, blah blah blah...but there's a secret (well, I guess not THAT secret, since I'm posting it now for the world to see) part of me that actually doesn't care about all that crap and is just convinced that the only thing keeping me single is 50 (or so) extra pounds and THAT is why I want to lose weight.

I don't want any comments about how I'm being irrational and unrealistic. Or pity compliments. The fact is that I've seen and heard about too many girls who go from size xl to s and then magically boys start looking in their direction all the time. And I've heard that it's more about confidence then about size, but apparently I don't know how to get the confidence without being the right size.

Once the weight comes off (if it actually does this time), then I'll see if I still have nothing even closely resembling a love life and reassess what's keeping the men away at that point.

Sorry this post sounds a little pathetic and bitter. It's just how I feel all the time, but try not to talk about it too much BECAUSE I know how it sounds and I hate the reactions I get from those I vent to. I promise, promise, promise that I am really pretty content in my life right now. I just feel like this is the final missing puzzle piece before, well I don't know what. I know that my journey is far from over, but I feel like it came to a crossroads last year at this time and I took a path that has lead me to this point and now another crossroads is approaching and I'd like to be able to take a path that continues to lead towards progress and good things.

It's nights like this that I miss having roommates to talk to. I miss those late-night talks that start silly and fun and then as the hours pass by, we all let down our guard and allow the most hidden parts of ourselves to surface just for a little while, and we know that it's safe to do so. Sometimes living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.

=)

A Little Slice of Heaven

2008-10-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

I walked from my apartment to my parent's house today and brought my camera with me so I could give you all a little taste of how amazing the NW is. I love Autumn in Ridgefield!

Now, don't run too fast to buy your plane tickets to visit me...I can only house so many people at a time. ;-)

Good Day

2008-10-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

I wish I had my camera with me today because it was a picture-worthy day, but I haven't had one of those in a while so the battery had run down on the camera. (Sad when you don't use something for so long that that happens!) It's especially a bummer because I finally got a Canon again, which I love (don't EVER let someone convince you a Panasonic is better because they are lying!), and the trees here are such pretty colors right now and I know my camera would have taken beautiful shots.

Anyways, this post is bound to be boring but I just wanted to record that it was a good day for posterity's sake. My bff Mel is in a science class called something like Freshwater Fish of the Pacific Northwest (awesome right?) and she had to go on a field trip, and I volunteered to go with her. She got nervous for some reason and lied to her teacher and said I was visiting from SLC and that's why I had to come along. It was silly because her teacher obviously didn't care AND other students brought people too. In the parking lot before we left, this kid with a huge beard and really long hair and grungy clothes and one of those silly hats with the ear-flaps and yarn hanging down started talking to Mel and I about how his death-metal band was getting ready to go on tour. I made Mel escape to her car with me in an attempt to discourage anyone from riding with us, but a few minutes later, death-metal kid and a tall, skinny, shy kid knocked on my window and asked if they could ride with us. Mel said yes with her fakest nice voice and we gave each other A Look of Oh No.

Boy were we surprised to find out that the two boys were actually super awesome! Death-metal's real name was Josh and the other one was Eric. Josh was really a sweetheart and talkative and told us all about his travels in Germany. Him and I made a special connection as we discussed our mutual love of Ben Folds (+ 5), Counting Crows and The Postal Service. Eric was one of those great people who you think might be really boring, but actually they just wait to say something until they have something worth saying, so everytime he talked it was really funny or great. Plus, he thought Mel and I were hilarious and we decided long ago that is 90% of the battle in becoming our friend.

The field trip was to the dam in the Columbia River Gorge. I LOVE the Gorge SOOOO much, and it was especially gorgeous today because so many of the trees were yellow and red and orange, and even the green ones seemed especially vivid. We observed salmon in a stream and Eric pointed out that most of them looked like zombie fish, because apparently freshwater isn't good for adult salmon plus their trip up the Columbia from the Pacific Ocean is really hard on them anyways, so they had random flaps of flesh that were hanging off of their bodies. We also got a tour of the dam, which was surprisingly interesting. Our tour guide was NOT interesting, however, and maybe even a little scary. She was very soft-spoken and monotone, but not in a relaxing way. More of a "wow this lady has some pent up stuff going on and I'm pretty sure if anything makes her upset she will go totally postal on us" type of way.

Mel and I parted ways with our new bff's at the end of the field trip and then we went to a cool new restaurant and then to her house to hang out and talk as only Mel and Jessica can until 6:30. I love Mel, and even though sometimes we bug each other as only best-friends-who-are-as-close-as-sisters can, I don't know what I'd do without her!

I could have stayed and talked to Mel all night, but I had to leave because my friend Grant had invited me to go to a random concert with him. It was a Celtic-Folk band and they were playing in this awesome little venue in the heart of downtown Ridgefield. (Ridgefield is where I currently reside and downtown is one of those quaint little Mayberry-ish towns that make you feel like you've gone back in time everytime you're there. I love it.) The venue was packed, and I'm pretty sure Grant and I were the only people younger than 50 there. The band is called Molly's Revenge and has four members in it...a bearded, white-haired old man, and 3 younger guys...one who rocks the whole retro look that's in right now, a Hot Bald Guy (man, when it's done right, bald TOTALLY rocks my world!), and last but not least a short little hyperactive man who I swear is at least 1/4 leprechaun.

The songs they played used various awesome instruments, including BAGPIPES, which I thought I would hate but actually they sounded amazing in the genre of music these guys did. The audience was jazzed, the band had way good energy, Grant is good company and the music was really fun so all-in-all it was a toe-tappingly awesome time. The best part about it was that the leprechaun man was BURSTING with enthusiasm and he was totally rocking out while he played, whether he was playing drums or a pied-piperish flute or the bagpipes. He made me want to get up and dance a little jig. He was so hyperactive that at the end of the show, his entire shirt except the bottom 3 inches were soaked in sweat, and I don't even know how this is possible, but the sweat had started to pool on top of iteslf in the middle of his back. I know that sounds gross, but since he was such a cute little hyper man who loved his music so much that he could not contain it, it was actually kind of endearing.

So there's my day. I think I just really liked it because it was different from my normal routine. I did two things (fish-observing and celtic-band listening) that I never thought I'd enjoy and ended up really liking them both. Also I was with good company all day.

Oh, the icing on the cake is that when I came home I went into the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I took in my rosy cheeks and bright eyes and was able to admit to myself that I looked quite fetching. I don't feel that way often, but I appreciate it when I do.

If you've made it through this "journal" type post, bless you. I hope everyone is healthy and happy. I'm feeling the love tonight and want to spread it around. (In a good way, not in a herpes way, haha.)

Happy Sunday everyone!

=)

2008-10-04T00:13:00.000-07:00

So Reno-911 is on and I just heard a new insult.

Small-Balls.

How have I never heard or thought of this one before? It's so funny!

(Or maybe it's just late at night after a long week and I'm a little loopy.)

On a completely unrelated note, we had a good old-fashioned NW downpour today for the first time in months, and surprisingly it made me really happy. Confession: I stood in my driveway with my head back and my tongue out for like 5 minutes just tasting the rain, and it was delicious!

The rain also made me a little sad because it made me REALLY want a special someone to get drenched with while we shared some sweet kisses in the rain. Come on all you normal, smart, fun, good conversationalist, single guys...where are you hiding? I'm ready for you to come and get me now. And don't pretend you're not interested...I know you want me. How could you resist my fabulousness? So stop being such Small-Ballses and find me already!

Makeover!

2008-10-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

So my sister Kelsey is in beauty school and yesterday she had to take her practical exam for eyebrows/makeup. My eyebrows were looking pretty nasty, so I volunteered to be her "model." Here's the results...

BEFORE:

...

...

AFTER:

She's like a frickin' miracle worker, no?

School's In Session!

2008-09-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I had gotten a good rhythm down for blogging, my schedule became all crazy again and now my posts are few and far between. I have a couple of minutes before class though and thought I'd just give a quick update. Apparently the logger's jubilee post is never going to happen, so I'll just suffice it to say that lumberjacks + small town hicks + good friends = tons-o-fun. I'm totally making it an annual tradition!

School started again, and I've been floating on air because I will be DONE IN MAY!! Only two semesters left, and I'm so excited. Unfortunately due to stupid school policies and transfer problems, I have to take chemistry this semester and it's kind of kicking my butt. Luckily I'm taking it with a friend, and the rest of my classes aren't hard so far so hopefully I'll get through it ok.

Otherwise life is really good. I flew to L.A. last weekend for my good friend Carri's wedding. She was beautiful and I really like her husband so it was a happy event. Plus I love her family so it was totally good to see them.

I ran into an old classmate a few minutes ago and after we talked about his life for a little while he said, "So how are you doing? I think you must be doing really well, are you doing really well?" I replied that yes, life was really good. He responded with, "Yeah, I thought so. You just have a really good energy surrounding you." I don't know if it's my aura or just the fact that I'm wearing a bright pink shirt today, but either way I appreciated the compliment. Hopefully the good energy sticks around for a long time because I love feeling happy!

All right, I'm off to my "fake" class now. It's institute (basically a bible study class for college mormons). My coworker asked why it was fake and I told him because I don't get any credit for going to it...except with God, haha. Until next time (be it days, weeks or months)!

Twilight Trailer Spoof

2008-08-23T11:58:00.001-07:00

This will only be funny if you've seen the real Twilight trailers (you can find them on imdb.com if you haven't). I almost died laughing watching this! Soooooo funny!

Random

2008-08-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

I know I said my next post would be about Logger's Jubilee, but I'm too lazy to post all the pictures right now. Instead I found this cute picture of Kelsey and my mom and I. I look kind of gross in it, and who knows why my gum is front and center, but isn't my mom just so cute? I don't know many moms who are almost 50 and have such cute, youthful faces still. Hopefully I inherited her wrinkle-lite genes.

My Busy Life

2008-08-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

My life has been on overdrive since my family reunion...there was the reunion, then my birthday, then Brooke's birthday, then working full time AND training a new girl for 2 weeks (training is harder work than you would think!), then the Morton Logger's Jubilee. Now I should still be running my marathon-o-fun-and-craziness by spending a week in Provo but instead life has come to a crashing halt. I am VERY sad to not be going to Education Week and visiting some of my favorite people in the universe, but it's also nice to be able to relax and breathe again before school starts next week.

Here are some pictures to highlight the two most exciting events of the last few weeks...those being my family reunion on my mom's side and OF COURSE the Logger's Jubilee:

Skylar was helping Kelsey fix her family shirt. Our aunt is banished from ever ordering the shirts again...not only were they a shade of orangey-red that doesn't flatter anyone's skintone, she also ordered Kelsey and my shirts in 2XL MENS! Ok, I readily admit that I am not a skinny girl, but men's 2xl?? I'm not even close to that. Luckily, I got to ditch my shirt early...picture and explanation to follow...

Skylar and I cheesing it up for the camera.

Me on some sort of a boat or canoe. I think the life-jacket on top of the red shirt is especially flattering. Please ignore me as much as possible and just take in the scenery behind me...it was beautiful at Camp Zarahemla!

The Oliver Ladies (minus one) during the family olympic games!

And here's where the story of how I got to ditch our family shirt early begins. The final olympic event of the day was the women's canoe races. My mother got caught up in the excitement of the day and volunteered her sister, herself and me to make up the "Brooks" team. I knew we were in trouble when my mom couldn't even get onto her seat in the canoe for like 5 minutes.

Once she finally balanced herself precariously on the middle seat, we pushed off. Our race went well for about 1.3 seconds, then the forward momentum of the canoe caused my dear mother to fall flat on her back with her legs straight up in the air (My dad calls this the "V for Victory" picture...referencing my mom's leg positions)

As my oblivious aunt kept yelling "Stroke! Stroke!" and I kept trying to yell "Mom, get up!" through my laughter, my mom gamely tried to follow both our orders which of course resulted in us tipping our canoe into the cold, cold lake water.

We may not have won the race, but on the upside we gave everyone's abs a good work out from the laugher AND I found a legitimate excuse to take off that shirt early!

My mom begs me before every family reunion to do something for the talent show. Usually I adamately decline, for fear of embarrasing myself, but after listening to her pleas for weeks I finally gave in this year. I thought as long as I was going to embarrass myself anyway, I might as well go full tilt and do a loud song in an obnoxious english accent dressed as a dirty hobo AND make my mom and sister do it with me!

Brittney came through for the Oliver's with her much more dignified performance of "Castle on a Cloud." While it was very sweet, I can't help but wish she had showcased her rockin' robot dance skillz instead.

My little cousin (I don't know how far removed...she's my grandma's great neice) Elizabeth took this lovely picture of my parents. I don't feel guilty at all for posting it, as my dad ditched a large part of the reunion to go play golf so this is one of the few pictures I have as proof he was really there.

Miss Elizabeth and I. There's tons of adorable kids in my family and she's a good sampling of the cuteness.

Another adorable cousin Rachel got to be baptized in the lake during the reunion. It was very sweet, even her gasping shriek as she emerged from the frigid water. =)

There were over 100 people at our reunion, and I love being around most of them but these two kids are the best. Anthony is my first cousin who is closest to my age on my mom's side and we had a lot of fun together growing up. Now he has a little family and looks like a mexican gangster, but we still manage to have fun. Nathan is my bestest cousin and I had SO much fun seeing him and getting to know his fabulous new wife Lynn better. They were the highlight of the reunion for me!

Wow, posting pictures on this thing is no joke, and while I have tons more from the reunion, I think these capture the essence of my experience pretty well. I feel lucky that even though my mom's family keeps getting bigger and bigger, we still make it a priority to have these big ol' reunions every 2 years. It's always good to see and talk to everyone. Mostly though, it just makes me appreciate my immediate family even more. I just really adore my parents and sisters and all of the crazy fun we have together.

This post is already enormous, so I'm going to do a To Be Continued...Next time I'll show you some pictures of the Morton Logger's Jubilee which I'm totally making an annual event in my life because it was AWESOME!

Another Year

2008-08-06T00:05:00.000-07:00

So it was the big 2-5 today. It was a nice day, overall. I had to work because the main receptionist is on vacation, but I got a 2 hour lunch. Mel treated and it was great (as usual) to spend time with her and continue our eternal good conversation. (One time her husband told us to stop talking and go to bed because we had all of the next day to talk to each other and I just shook my head at him and told him there are never enough hours in the day to capture all the things Mel and I find to talk about.)

After work I rushed to my parent's house to clean up for the little party I threw for myself. (I know, it's a little sad and pathetic, but if I didn't do it I wasn't sure if anyone would so I was just proactive about it.) I put out my food and baked and frosted my cake and then waited for the guests to arrive. It was kind of a strange group...a mix of friends I've known for 12 years, some I've only known for 1, 2 or 3 (most of the ones in that group are the spouses or children of the friends I've known forever), and a couple of kids who I've only known for a month or so. They ranged in age from 6 months-26 years. At one point, my dog tried to "get frisky" with my favorite 1 yr old ever, and the highlight of the party was his mom yelling "STOP HUMPING MY BABY!"

Birthdays have never been a big deal in my house...especially mine since my sister's birthday is the next day. Today was pretty laid back as usual, but it was still nice to be told that people love me and remember me. Haha, the only sad thing about the day was I totally lost the Facebook competition. You know how some people get millions of Happy Birthday messages on Facebook and Myspace? I got like 6. Which I appreciate, really. But the same part of me that always wished I was 5'8 and size 2 with amazing boyfriends and lots of money was a little dissapointed that more people didn't say something. Isn't that awful? I should erase that and not post it, but the part of me that thinks it's kind of funny won't let me.

I need to post more stories on my other blog. I will, but it will probably be a little while. Life has been busy with my family reunion (SO FUN -- I'll devote my next post to that) and birthday. And now I'm scheduled to go to the fair and to the Morton LOGGER'S JUBILEE this weekend. I'm totally stoked for both and plan on seeing a lot of really funny rednecks at both events. I'll try and take pictures.

My high school friends and their spouses (who are also my friends...some of them even better than the original high school ones, haha) The single kids had already left the party...you'd think they'd be ready to party hearty and be the last ones to go, but I guess we were a. too boring or b. too exciting for them. I'm not sure which.

Just Do It

2008-07-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already, check out my new blog storytimewithjessica.blogspot.com I've been having SO much fun remembering all the craziest and most ridiculous times in my life. Let me know what you think!

Latest Obsession

2008-07-14T22:30:00.001-07:00

Bought it. Played it. Will Continue to play all night long...LOOOOVE IT!!

Slacker

2008-07-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

I'm being a slacker with this blog. Life just isn't very exciting right now. It's ESPECIALLY not exciting today, and I'm being a big huge slacker at work. It's totally illegal for me to be on the computer like this (like, illegal with the boss, not the law) but I haven't had a patient come in for over 3 hours and I forgot to bring a book with me today so I am breaking the rules, dangit!

It's gorgeous outside. The sun is taunting me from the glass windows and doors. If I wasn't working, I think I'd go miniature golfing or go to a park to picnic and play on the swings today. I love playground equipment and I'm almost 25 years old. Some things are just timeless, I guess.

People keep bugging me lately about what I'm going to do with my life after I graduate next April. I keep telling them it's still 9 months away and I'll just stress myself out by trying to make plans right now. That's one of the reasons I figured out I was unhappy for so long...because I spent so much time anticipating the future so instead now I'm just enjoying the present, but apparently my family and friends didn't get the memo to just let me enjoy it haha. I appreciate their curiosity and concern, but now I can't turn my brain off and every night before I go to bed I find myself considering different careers, types of companies, and different living situations for next year. I SHOULD just be able to fill my head with images of that hot man Will from So You Think You Can Dance, but no, it's all questions and worries instead. Sigh. Hopefully soon I'll retrain my brain again.

Ok, this has taken a whole 5 minutes to type. Now I just have to find a way to fill FOUR more hours before I can leave work and do something fun with my life!

Age Barrier

2008-06-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I may officially be the lamest girl ever now. I've been hanging out with kids who range from being 2 to 7 years younger than me...and I'm totally having a fun time doing it! I need to stop making comments about how old I am though because I don't think they even notice. I'm just a little self conscious that some of these kids are YOUNGER than kids I used to babysit. But I can either only hang out with married people, spend a lot of time alone, or suck it up and get over preconcieved notions I have about age barriers and just have fun with some new friends.

I continue to feel a lasting change within myself. I laugh more and talk more and love myself more everyday. I need to kick my own butt into gear and go to the gym more often so I can feel good inside AND out, but I'm definitely not ungrateful for the inner confidence I've found again. It's amazing how depression and opposition tell you such lies about who you are and what your gifts and talents are. The lies are louder than all the truths told to you by your loved ones. I have felt a little lost for years now, but while in the midst of it I didn't even realize how much of the old me had disappeared. Don't get me wrong, there is still progress to be made and also maintenance is the hardest thing for me but I really believe that I'm moving in the right direction.

It's good to be back!

It Happened Again...

2008-06-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

Another crazy old lady called me yesterday. This one was not a patient and was apparently fully aware that she was calling a physical therapy office (at least she said so when I asked her if she know she had called a physical therapy office.) This lady was calling to ask for help because she is in a wheelchair and a dumpster has been blocking the sidewalk and she was afraid she was going to get hit by a car and killed when wheeling around it. The dumpster was

not at her house

not in front of the office where I work

not on the same side of town where I work

It was behind a Fred Meyer on the other side of town. And she just needed me to help her because it has been a week and a half and nothing has been done. I suggested she call the store. She had. I suggested she find out who owned the business park and call them. She didn't want to. So I suggested she call the police department (NOT 911...I emphasized that at least 3 times because she seemed crazy enough to call 911 over this matter.)

She seemed satisfied with that and finally hung up. And once again I was left staring at the phone in my hands, laughing and laughing. I love crazy people.

Numb What? Spelling Bee

2008-06-05T15:49:00.001-07:00

How can you not LOVE this??

Crazy Customer Service

2008-06-05T14:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes customer service jobs are the worst and SO stressful because people are just plain selfish and rude. Other times, the jobs put you in contact with the funniest, craziest people ever! I've had men propose to me (dates, marriage and even one offer just to be the "pretty young thing" on his arm to make him more attractive to an ex). A lot of funny old men tell the silliest jokes ever and laugh and laugh at themselves. Women tell me the weirdest, most personal stories about themselves. One time a lady stopped talking and just screamed into the phone, like for 10 seconds all I heard was a banshee scream. It was hilarious!

Right now I word at a Physical Therapy clinic, and also at an Urgent Care center. Yeah, the Crazies come in force to medical facilities. Mostly I love it because they crack me up. My most recent encounter with a Crazy was yesterday. I was upstairs taking care of medical records stuff on the PT side and I had to answer the phone because the front desk receptionist was on the other line. This old lady was on the other line and our conversation went something like this: (her name has been changed so the HIPAA police don't come and hang me from the ceiling by my toes)

"Thank you for calling Vancouver Rehab, this is Jessica."

"Yes, hello? Oh, hi. This is Pearl Johnson. I don't know why I just told you that, I'm sure you don't care and it doesn't matter for what I need anyways. Ok, this is my physical therapy office, right."

"Yes it is. How can I help you?"

"Well young lady, I need your expertise. I have an important anatomy question and I really need your help or it is just going to ruin the rest of my day. I need to know the word for a body part. At the very end of your spine, on the butt end. You, know the very end and there is a bundle of nerves there except there is no exit for nerve impulses."

-pause, in which I am deciding whether to tell her I have no knowledge of anatomy or not, and also wondering how this relates to her PT-

"And it's called the horse's neck or something like that and I am here with my friends and we're trying and trying to remember the name. Of that place, on the end of the spine that's like a horse. Oh, you just have to tell me the name because you know how it is when you can't remember something that you know you know and it is really upsetting me and I know my whole day is going to be ruined if you don't tell me."

--it finally dawns on me that this call has NOTHING to do with physical therapy, she is just plain crazy and apparently is too old to know what Googling means.--

"Uh, ok can you hold for a minute please?"

I proceeded to walk downstairs, ask 2 PT aides and 1 PT what the scientific name for the butt-end of the spine named after a horse's body part where there are no exits for nerve impulses is. I then walked all the way back upstairs and told the crazy old lady on the phone the word she was looking for. She was very grateful and relieved and hung up without ever mentioning PT appointments or treatments. I hung up and laughed very loud while my coworkers looked on. I am trying to imagine what kind of conversation was taking place between a bunch of old ladies in which it is necessary discuss the cauda equina, especially one in which the actual scientific term was required.

Oh well, talking to her made me happy and also I'm now a little smarter for having had the conversation. =)

To Every Thing There is a Season

2008-06-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

My personal theme and one of my goals for the last year or so is to stop being a "THEN I'll be Happy" person. I know I've mentioned it on here before somewhere. "When I start dating..." "When I get married..." "When I'm done with school..." "When I can travel..." etc. etc. I know that I'm not alone in my way of thinking. When we are looking so hard at our imaginary ideal futures, we miss so much good in our current seasons.

I went to Relief Society Enrichment last night and the topic of the night was womanhood (shocker). This theme of seasons and fully embracing each season of womanhood kept coming up and it gave me renewed inspiration to be more optimistic and appreciate the good things about my life right now.

I'm taking a class called Work and Family and it's all about the benefits and struggles of working moms. The professor is really smart and engaging, but her social views are pretty different from mine. And some things she says are REALLY opposite to general opinions about gender held by many Mormons. So it took me by surprise last night when many of the things my professor has discussed in my class came up at the Relief Society meeting. One thing in particular that was repeated almost word for word was how women are taking on too much and forgetting to take time to care for themselves. The analogy of placing your own oxygen mask on before your children in case of emergency on a plane came up both in class and at the meeting last night. I think that all women struggle with this to some degree, especially wives and mothers...finding the balance between total sacrifice and total selfishness because both extremes are unhealthy.

The epiphany I had today while I was thinking about seasons and also about finding balance was this; I am grateful for this time in my life as a young, single woman. I am really grateful that I can afford to be more selfish than most without hurting a husband or even boyfriend or children. If I were not single, I probably would not be able to really take the time to conquer my depression and really learn who I am the way that I have. For some people, having a partner is what helps them through their struggles, but in my case I think I would have been too worried about making them happy, and wallowing in feelings of inadequacy and insecurity to have made as much progress as I have.

It sounds so strange to say I'm grateful that I can be selfish, but I really am. I think it is helping me to be happy right now, and I think it is preparing me for a future when more sacrifice and less selfishness will be necessary. I'll have much more to give, I hope.

Other things about my life RIGHT NOW that I appreciate:
- being friends with my sisters for the first time, especially Skylar
- my really good relationship with my parents
- no rent
- as long as i have the money, i can leave on a roadtrip or on a plane at the drop of a hat
- going to really fun concerts
- it's So You Think You Can Dance season
- my friendships have a depth that they didn't 10 years ago...i'm especially grateful to still be really close to friends that i WAS friends with 10 years ago
- i'm not farsighted yet so i can still read with ease
- there's a LOT of really great music out right now and i appreciate it
- i can sleep 8 hours a night and if i don't it's not because of a crying baby
- i'm not yet too old to still act immaturely sometimes...sometimes it feels good to be a little immature and a lot silly

And the list goes on and on.

It's Like Missing Christmas

2008-05-31T00:23:00.000-07:00

OH NO! I have been running around like a crazy person for the last few weeks with way too much stuff on my plate so I haven't had time to watch t.v. (I haven't even watched the Lost finale yet...) and I haven't had time to hang out at the parents' house and hijack their satellite and so

I MISSED THE ANNUAL NATIONAL SPELLING BEE!

You have no idea the amount of anguish this causes me. I look forward to catching it on ESPN and ESPN2 every year. I've converted many a friend/roommate/family member to its awesomeness. Laugh, scoff or scorn me if you will. It's the best thing since sliced bread and now I have to wait a whole 'nother year to see it again.

=-(

Steady as She Goes

2008-05-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

I had a brief moment of sadness tonight when I let myself give into irrational fears about my future. But don't worry, it lasted but a moment and now I'm ok again. I think. No, I am. I'm just in a really weird place right now and am trying to make sense out of a life that I never imagined for myself. But I'm learning that unexpected doesn't mean bad and really am trying to have a good attitude and be as happy as possible in circumstances I never anticipated.

I need to do something to help me feel like more of an adult. I FEEL pretty mature and like I have age-appropriate levels of intelligence and stuff. But then when I describe my life to myself or others, I always revert to feeling like an 18 year old (or younger). Here's a partial list of current things about me...which of these things sound like they come from the life of an almost 25 year old?

1. Not yet finished with a bachelor's degree...been out of high school for 7 years
2. Live 2 miles from home and spend the majority of time with parents and sisters
3. Working part-time making barely more than minimum wage (I did have a salaried job earning $30,000/yr. 2 years ago, but I quit that and reverted back to student friendly work)
4. Never touched tobacco, alchohol or any substances really with a stronger punch than Dr. Pepper (according to Brian, I'm REALLY missing out here, haha). Can you be an adult without waltzing into the office each morning with your sophisticated cup-o-Joe from Starbucks? p.s. nothing makes you feel like more of a 5 year old than going out to "coffee" with friends and ordering a hot cocoa with whip cream on top, haha
5. Never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 2 weeks (and that one was Jr. year of high school!)
6. Have not travelled further east than Colorado, mostly only "travel" to Utah...LAME!
7. No significant worldly possessions such as furniture (for some reason I associate adulthood with needing a U-Haul to move, as opposed to just loading up my car and fitting everything I own in that one load)
8. No mortgage or car payments to speak of, and I only just got my first credit card last month. Also I don't balance my checkbook.
9. It's fun for me to go somewhere and have to show my ID...like to a comedy club. I get a little thrill from it because I've only had to do it 4, maybe 5 times since my 21st birthday in 2004. Mind you, I'm not participating in any activities that require me to be over 21, but it still feels cool and adultish to have to whip out that license!
10. I totally get wrapped up in MTV reality shows like The Hills. That has to be proof I'm not an adult yet, right?

What other normal, mature almost 25 year olds have lives that look like this? In my experience, it's 98% weirdo's who are over the age of 18 (16?) and have a resume similar to mine. You know -- the socially awkward, slightly stinky, and always oblivious weirdo's. So am I delusional and desperate and maybe a little conceited to be convincing myself that I'm part of that 2% who is fun and smart and not socially retarded? I just don't know. And I don't trust any of you who say that I am part of the awesome 2%, because you are my friends or my family so you have to be nice and also you think I need your encouragement (aka pity?) and I hate it when people think I'm digging for compliments when I REALLY and TRULY am not. I'm just trying to figure things out by talking and typing to get everything out of my head where I can examine it a little better. Then again, it never hurts to hear exactly why I am freaking awesome so if you genuinely feel so inclined, fire away. Haha.

Reason #14 I am crazy (I don't know what number I'm actually on so I'm just choosing at random now):
One time in church I made a comment likening sanctification to childbirth. Like literal, dripping from the creation, childbirth. I talked about babies being suddenly cut out of their mother's stomachs vs. gradually popping out the hoo-hah and how that's like each of our spiritual journeys. It made sense at the time, but I also knew it was weird and a little gross to talk about in a church setting (any setting?). But I plowed on anyways.

Haha, I totally entertain myself.

Robert Muraine Audition - SYTYCD 4 - [BEST QUALITY]

2008-05-24T21:18:00.001-07:00

Holy crap, this guy is SICK! I *heart* So You Think You Can Dance and am sooooo stoked for the new season!!

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire!

2008-05-22T16:59:00.001-07:00

Sexy!!

Silly Jessie

2008-05-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

Jessie and her sister, Taylor

(please excuse her messy hair, I was not on the ball this day)

The family I live with is going out of town this weekend, which means I have three days of me-n-Jessie time ahead of me. I haven't talked about Jessie very much (if at all) on here, but she's been a big part of my life for the last 6-7 months. Thanks to her, I get a free apartment in the Stake President's house, and a job at the SP's physical therapy clinic and urgent care clinic. Also, his sister who runs HR for all of his clinics has offered me a career after I graduate (one that I don't think I'll take, but it's nice to have the option.) All this because Jessie's mom picked me out of a crowd to be friends with and care for her daughter.

Jessie just turned 20. We have the same first and middle names. She loves movies...especially romantic comedies and old westerns. She is totally boy crazy. She likes to play tricks on me and laughs when I look stupid. She also has Angelman Syndrome. This means that she doesn't talk at all and can't walk long distances. She can feed herself with a spoon but is still working on the whole fork thing. I get to bathe her, dress her and change her diaper when I'm watching her. In some ways she is super smart, but a lot of the time hanging out with her is just like hanging out with an adult-sized toddler. I never thought I would be friends with someone like Jessie, but I'm so glad I am because I have learned a lot from her and also she ALWAYS makes me laugh and laughter is my very favorite thing!!

One time when I was making dinner in the kitchen, I could hear Jessie laughing periodically. She was watching a western and when I went in to see what she thought was so funny, I realized that she was laughing everytime a cowboy pulled a gun out of his holster. If anyone got shot, she REALLY thought that was funny. She also thinks The Three Stooges, dogs and anyone falling down are hilarious.

The falling down doesn't have to happen on-screen for Jessie to get a good laugh. I took her to the mall once and was having a hard time maneuvering her wheelchair out of the non-automatic doors (the wheelchair is just for when we're going to be on our feet a long time.) It was my first time with her in the wheelchair and I wasn't smart enough to figure out that if I went backwards out the door, I could hang on to her chair and get out easily. So instead I twisted myself into a knot trying to shove the door open by reaching over her head and then running out the door before it closed all the way and then grabbing her chair -- and before I knew it, I was flat on my butt and Jessie was laughing (loudly) at my predicament.

Jessie also likes to play tricks on me for her own amusement. One time I made pizza and got hers all ready for her, then put mine on a plate and turned to fill my water cup. I heard an (evil) laugh and when I turned around, Jessie has pulled all the cheese and toppings off of my pizza and was VERY proud of her little joke. The last time her parents were out of town, I had put her in the tub and then left to put in a load of laundry. Jessie, the little stinker, has always led me to believe that she can't get out of the tub without my help. So imagine my surprise when I headed back to the bathroom only to be intercepted by a dripping wet, naked Jessie who then ran away from me laughing her head off!

When it comes to boys, Jessie is a totally normal boy-crazy 20 year old. When a hot guy comes on the screen on tv or in a movie, she yells and wiggles and (if at home) scoots as close to the screen as possible to get close to her crush. Here is a list of her favorites since I've started watching her:

1. Ed Speleers from Eragon

2. Logan Bartholomew from Love's Enduring Promise

3. James Franco from Fly Boys

4. James Marsden from X-Men, Ever After, Hairspray and 27 Dresses

5. And last (but DEFINITELY not least) is her favorite, Zac Efron -- of HSM and Hairspray fame

She has good taste, no? Maybe I should ask her what she thinks about Mr. Mark Ruffalo, haha.

I have so much fun with Jessie whenever we hang out. She is almost always happy and willing to give hugs and play. I also really love her family and am so appreciative of everything that her mom and dad do for me. In the long run, Jessie will have only been a direct part of my life for a moment, but the influence she's had on my heart and spirit will last forever and ever. Super cheesy, I know, but very, very true.

A Little Bit of This and A Little Bit of That

2008-05-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

My sleeping habits have been AWFUL lately, and the other night I was up until 4 talking to my friend online. I didn't think it would effect me too badly, but last night I couldn't sleep until 5 so I left work early today because I was woozy and dizzy from only getting 1 hour of sleep. And now here I am again at 12:30 facing the choice of finishing my laundry because I'm fresh out of clean undies, or trying to get some shut eye at a semi-decent hour. Oh brother. Gone are the good ol' days of being 18 or 19 years old, able to stay up all night and survive off of 2-3 hours of sleep every night. Maybe something in me is rebelling against my real age and trying to be young again and that's why I cant sleep lately. Or I've just been doing pretty well in most areas of my life, and subconsciously I'm self-sabotaging. Hmmm...could that be reason #9 I'm crazy?

I taught the lesson at our stake YSA FHE (Young Single Adult Family Home Evening --Mormons seriously have their own language) and I think it went well. I didn't prepare for it as much as I should have, but luckily the kids there were willing and able to have a discussion and made lots of really good comments. That made my job a lot easier. I HATE having to sit through 45 minute lessons where the speaker doesn't ask any questions or allow comments. It's boring and I don't get anything out of it. The whole point of YSA FHE is that we're all about the same age living similar experiences, so we have a lot to learn from each other. I just wanted to give us a chance to do that. Hopefully the adults in charge of FHE took note and will encourage future teachers to give lessons that are conducive to good discussions.

Six week school terms are totally the way to go. I'm already halfway done with this term! It goes so fast I don't have time to be lazy.

I had a run-in at the gym this weekend with a crazy old hairy fat man named Don. He got me kicked out of the steam room. When I talked to management about it the next day, they assured me that they hated Don (apparently he tattled on someone one time for sweating too much while exercising...no joke) and that I had been in the right the day before. The employee who kicked me out will be informed of the actual steam room rules. I am glad, because I feared that my favorite part of the gym was going to be stolen away from me. I looooove the steam room so much -- way more than a regular old sauna. I would just like to end this tonight by telling that crazy man who has nothing better to do than follow people around and try and get them in trouble when they're not doing anything wrong:

Don, suck it.

I'll Consider Your Votes

2008-05-15T23:56:00.001-07:00

Ok, jeez, apparently my adorable Mark Ruffalo is NOT sexy enough for some people so here are some other options I'll consider for marriage, or I'd settle for just a sexy romp in the hay if that's what it came down to.

I don't know if you'll like this guy if you don't like Mark Ruffalo. What can I say? I'm drawn to the puppy dog eyes I guess.

Pure sex appeal with this guy. Seeing him and listening to that sexy accent makes my pulse race and my palms a little sweaty.

Ok, last (but not least)...How could you NOT want a guy with this much sexy confidence...Rawr!

So there you are. Brad Pitt's turning into a baby-collecting elder so he's out but I'm still open to other suggestions.

In other news, two weddings are coming up in which I'll be forced to wear a fancy dress. If that doesn't motivate me to finally lose this weight, I don't know what will. Here's hoping that I'll be lookin' good by the end of August/September...

Random

2008-05-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

This is who I am convinced I am going to marry. No seriously, I will find him and he will be mine. Somehow, someway, someday:

So I finished my semester a couple of weeks ago and I checked my grades this week, peaking with one eye because I was bracing myself for some C-ish grades. But apparently I am either really lucky or just really bad at calculating grades on my own because I totally got 3 A's and 1 A-minus. I am super excited, but I also feel a little funny about one class in particular. The grade for that class is supposed to be based on 10 weekly assignments (I only did 8) and two 6-7 page papers (I turned in one a month late and didn't do the other one at all). Yet I somehow got an A. What the...? It was my world religion class, and I always participated in class and so I guess my teacher just pictured me as a good student in her head based on that and ignored her grade book. Is it bad that I laugh about it more than I feel guilt for it?

Reason #8 I am crazy:
I remembered last night the time when I watched a Hilary Duff movie. The whole thing. And I cried through 70% of it. I was 23 at the time.

I'm so funny, for real.

Romans 8:16-19

2008-04-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

The last few years have been full of ups and downs testimony-wise. Actually, a few months ago I was at my lowest point; not only doubting the truth of the LDS church, but also questioning the existence of God. There have been a series of events since that time that have slowly but surely turned me back to the path that I was on before. I am back to believing in the existence of God and believing that He is aware of me and deliberately has inspired people to come into my life who can help me in my spiritual journey.

Unrelated to my quest for a testimony, I decided to take a World Religions class this semester. I just thought it would be interesting to learn more about religions and cultures that I was unfamiliar with. I didn't realize that of course I would automatically hold each set of beliefs up against those I was raised with to see how they compared. I guess you could say that the thoughts and feelings I have experienced are due to the fact that people tend to return to whatever is familiar to them, because it is comfortable. I can't really argue with that. All I know is that it has been fascinating to learn about Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Indigenous religions, Atheism, Islam and Christianity. There are elements of each that are really wonderful and attractive. Also, there are many things that don't make any sense to me. As I take a look at these other faiths and listen to speakers who practice those faiths describe their doctrines and listen to the comments and questions of my peers, I keep on feeling stronger and stronger that The Church of Jesus Christ just makes sense. Ok, I don't get all of it and I could dwell on nitpicking all of the things I don't understand and get lost in them. But instead I am choosing to focus on how exciting it is to rediscover truths that I have been taught since birth and always taken for granted.

I've never had a problem with being LDS, and have for most of my life happily accepted its part in my life. I used to be very closed off to other faiths and belief systems. A naive part of me believed that if I opened myself up too much, I would be corrupted and weakened somehow. Well, my insatiable love for meeting interesting people and learning and collecting all of their stories didn't allow me to isolate myself for long. As I came into more frequent contact with "skaters" and "goths" and other Christians and atheists and agnostics, etc etc I fell in love with many of them and tucked my own beliefs out of sight, not out of disbelief or shame, but because I wanted to make all my new friends feel comfortable enough to share everything about themselves with me. Parading my beliefs only led to abrupt ends of conversations, or to battles attempting to convert one another.

If you tuck something away for long enough, you lose it little by little. I think that's part of what happened to me. But I really truly loved being able to adapt to different situations and form genuine and lasting relationships with people so different from myself. I don't regret it. What I am discovering, in part thanks to the class I'm taking, is that I don't have to hide my beliefs to maintain valuable and diverse relationships. And really, aren't I cheating if I expect others to reveal themselves completely to me but diminish a huge part of who I am for their "benefit"?

I'm loving life again, for a lot of different reasons. I'm feeling more like my old social self...no more panic attacks at the thought of having to sit next to strangers in class or attend church functions where I don't know anyone. I am seeing an amazing counselor who is helping me dissect myself--my present and my past--and after examining the pieces, put them back together in a much more understanding and optimistic way. I made the same mistakes that I always do in school this semester, but guess what? Instead of giving in to feelings of failure and shame I squared my shoulders and held my head high and because of that I'm finishing successfully. I thought drugs and therapy would "fix" me and my definition of being fixed was to stop making mistakes, or at least to stop making the same ones over and over. Imagine my surprise as I've learned the key isn't to stop making mistakes (although that's still a worthy goal, eventually) but instead to shift my reactions to those mistakes once they've been made. It's not about what we do wrong, but whether or not we keep fighting to do right and learn and grow and pick ourselves up each time we fall down. I'm not losing because I'm fighting a lot of the same battles. I would be losing if I had given into each of those weaknesses and had moved on to deeper and darker problems with no hope of ever recovering. But instead, I'm learning to recognize that I am a winner precisely because I have picked myself up 1,569,231 times and will continue to do so. One day I will be able to take those weaknesses, one by one, and offer them up to someone better able to permanently erase them. Until I've mastered that part of the Atonement, I'll keep fighting and winning the only way I can.

I'm rediscovering the things about myself that I used to recognize and own with confidence. One of these is my natural curiosity and ability to ask questions in church and in world religion and in biology and among friends that prompt meaningful answers. I think that asking good questions is an art, and I believe it's one of my talents. I feel confident speaking in front of my peers, and believe the things I have to say have value. I haven't believed I had anything valuable to offer for a few years now, so this is huge for me. For a long time I've been going through the motions, so on the surface most people couldn't tell just how much I was hating life and myself. I'm a really good actress. My actions haven't changed a whole lot, on the surface, but now that I am falling in love with me again I can OWN my actions and my strengths and so while others may not notice, to me I am a different person. I AM, instead of TRYING TO APPEAR TO BE.

Back to the original topic, along with falling in love with me again, I am also falling in love with the testimony that I had hidden away and almost lost, as puny as it is right now. I have never been in a serious relationship, but I imagine what I am feeling now is similar to a love-struck teenager. I can't get enough of the scriptures, I get lost for hours on LDS.org, I LOVE conversations with people of other religions who enrich my faith because of our common beliefs. I hope to have this euphoric love mature into something deep and penetrating and steadfast. I still struggle with the idea of having the ability to build a personal relationship with God. I don't think I love me quite enough yet to believe He wants to listen to my silly prayers and watch my silly life. But I sure do believe He loves my friends and family, because I love them so so much and see exactly why God would too. So, as I work on loving myself more, and reaquainting myself with old beliefs about God and His Son and the Atonement, I hope that in time a personal relationship will come. I also hope I can start to figure out the tricky business of being worthy of promptings from the Holy Ghost and of recognizing them when they come.

I know I've been all over the place in this post tonight, but I can't slow my mind or heart or fingers so I've just let everything spill out the way it wanted to. I feel full of life, and that is something I've been craving for a very long time. Thank you to all of my friends and to my family who do and don't read this. For loving me when I don't love myself because in all honesty there have been dark times when without you I would not have been able to find any motivation to keep going. And for being my link to God because I can't see or hear or feel Him, but I sure can see and hear and feel you guys and I think He knows that and uses it to help me as I limp along day by day. I appreciate your patience with me and all of my silliness and depressingness and searching.

I have no good way to end this, so I guess I'll just say Good Night.

Northern California...

2008-03-17T00:11:00.000-07:00

kicks SoCal's booty. So much.

My Life Has Worth

2008-03-04T22:24:00.000-08:00

All too often I question the validity of that statement. Oh sure, the lives of God's children have inherent worth. Something I readily agree with on a grand scale. But my own life? Sometimes I feel like there are just too many things I do wrong and too many mistakes I keep making over and over again and as a result the worth of my life is steadily depreciating as time goes on.

Our experience here on earth (and arguably pre and post earth as well) is a series of seemingly random dots thrown on a page. I fall into the trap of looking at the dots individually and judging myself and the life I've lead thus far based on those selective observations. And then sometimes I am lucky enough to have moments where lines form to connect some of those dots and a larger picture begins to appear. Suddenly “bad” dots are no longer evidence of my failure but instead proof that I am living my life and growing everyday. Without my weaknesses and trials and mistakes, my picture would be incomplete and much less beautiful.

I went to therapy today thinking it would be a wasted $75 because I couldn’t think of anything worthwhile to talk about. When my therapist asked me what I wanted to discuss I grasped at the first straw that came to mind and blurted out that I was happy because I went to the gym yesterday. What the?? I am such a dork, but amazingly that inane comment led to a discussion where I found myself experiencing so many “a-ha’s” that I used up 4 pages of notebook paper to record them all after my session. SO MANY snippets of realizations and lessons and analyzations (yeah I know, not a word, but whatever) that I have accumulated over the last 5 years were organized into a beautiful mirror that I could look into and see myself more clearly reflected. The hour was worth every penny and then some.

On an unrelated note (except it falls into the category of things that make me incredibly happy), as I was leaving class last Thursday I was hit by a wave of the most BEAUTIFUL smell. I looked around trying to find the source of the scent but could only see bushes with no flowers. The smell was so amazing that I text messaged my friend who attends the same campus and gave him specific directions about where to go to experience this gift to the nostrils.

I’ve always had a significant appreciation for the beauty found on this earth (my favorite hymn is “My Heavenly Father Loves Me). I’ve seen sunsets that take my breath away and I’ve been up until almost dawn in the canyons of Provo gazing up at the clear night sky and all the stars in it. There are few things better in life than spinning and dancing with arms outstretched in a downpour of rain. And the list goes on. In all my 24+ years, none of those things have given me such intense and lasting pleasure as the smell outside my classroom on Thursday.

Coincidently, I was watching my two girls on Saturday while Mister and Sister Stake President went on a date and when they came home, Mister S.P. handed me a small cluster of beautiful and velvety four-pedaled white flowers with tinges of lavender that he had plucked off of a bush outside the restaurant they ate at. As I brought the cluster closer to my face for examination, THE scent hit me. It turns out these amazing little flowers that smell of sweetness and childhood and roses and citrus are called Daphne Odorus.

I went back to the spot at school where they first came into my life and found clusters of them by the hundreds. I’m sure some of my peers at school today had quite a laugh as they watched me pull flowers out of my purse and drink in their scent over and over again. (Reason number 7 I’m crazy?)

Well this is all very dramatic (I’m nothing if not a drama-queen) but I think that whenever I see and smell these flowers, they will remind me of today and of all the wonderful things I learned about myself and my life and my Heavenly Father. And I am grateful.

Long Overdue

2008-02-14T11:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, I went to SoCal over a month ago but I was cleaning my apartment this morning and found a notebook where Bostody and I had categorized and ranked all of our favorite people/weirdos that we met...mostly in LA, but some in Bakersfield as well. I'd like to write about what made each one so funny/awesome/creepy before I forget altogether so, here goes. (I SO wish we had taken pictures, but we only took pictures of one.)

Honorable Mentions (Memorable, but not quite awesome or creepy enough for the other lists):

4. The Motel 6 Crew
Ok, this should be more than one entry but whatever. First there was Susannah. She was a very "butch" lady and I thought it was funny that her name was so feminine. She is one of 2 people in our lists that we remember by her real name. She was the front desk girl who was checked us in and then was there everyday to answer our ridiculous questions. She was always nice even when I could tell we were really annoying her. Her one flaw is that she was a big fat liar. We asked her if there was a microwave in the hotel and she said no, nowhere without blinking an eye. That leads me to Stan the Popcorn Man and Frankie, the night desk guys who round out this "crew". On our first night in the hotel, Bostody and I were REALLY craving the Homestyle Popcorn we had brought with us and we decided that Susannah must have been lying and so we would find a microwave in that damn hotel if it were the last thing we did! Luckily for us, we are both super hot and really persuasive and were able to convince Stan the Popcorn Man to use the super-secret employee microwave in our behalf using our feminine wiles. (I think I just realized that I've only heard that word spoken aloud and therefore have no idea how to spell it...whiles, wyles?) Ok, the truth is we just asked him to use the employee microwave in the back (that we had no proof existed) to pop our popcorn and he didn't even balk. I think that is more because we are bossy than because we are seductive. Frankie was the night guy the next night who also popped for us without question, although he gave us some weird looks because that was the night we played "America's Next Top Model" and ratted our hair and smeared vasoline all over our faces for our photo shoot.

3. "Uh, You Got Some Sh** in Yo Teeth" Guy
Ok, we probably could have come up with a better name than that but that is the only thing this guy said to us in like 3 hours and so that is just what we called him. While still in Bakersfield, Bostody and I went with two of her bestest friends to the Crystal Palace for Karaoke night. This place had TONS of memorable peeps in it, some of whom will be described later. Anyways, we sat at a table in the back and 3 "Pretty Fly for White Guys" sat at a bar behind us. You know the type...the hats with the big, flat brims angled off to one side, those fluffy tennis shoes, low and baggy jeans, etc. At one point after we had befriended the boys, we asked them to take pictures of us with brownies smeared all over our teeth. Two of them thought that was hilarious and the third guy just sat there quietly staring at us. After the pics were taken and we sat down to wipe off the gunk, he calmly pointed at us and said "..." well, you know.

2. Ogden boy.
Maybe this guy shouldn't be on the list because I already don't remember why we thought he was funny. I'll just say he was from Ogden and we thought that it was random for a Utah native to end up in a Bakersfield WalMart as a mechanic.

1. Hot Gay Couple.
Bostody and I really debated whether these two were worthy of the top list but eventually agreed to make them honorable mentions, considering that we never talked to them or even made eye contact with them. They attended Wicked the same night as us and sat maybe 6 rows ahead of us. And they were VERY good looking! I really only looked at one of them (I'd say 90% of the time) but Bostody looked at both equally. I bet if people in the theater were watching us (side note, wouldn't it be SO awesome if we made someone's list as Hot Lesbian Couple even though we are not even lesbian?) they probably thought we were really weird for gawking (seriously, mouths open-trying not to blink so we don't miss a milisecond of taking in their beauty-gawking) at the Gay Couple for so long. But man, they were SO GOOD LOOKING!

Dang it, I just realized as I was looking over our list that we made it prematurely because we met some of our favorite people our last day in LA. I'll just add them to the Top 5 list, even though Bostody would yell at me that that is NOT allowed. But it's my description and my blog, so I'll do what I want. -Blows rasberry in Bostody's general direction.-

Before moving on to the next list, I'll add the Not Shy Lesbian couple to this honorable mention one. On our last night in LA, Bostody and I went to a little Italian restaurant off of Hollywood Blvd. It was very crowded in there and we ended up getting seated RIGHT next to these two pretty women (they were sitting on the same bench as me and our tables were only 8 inches apart.) At first I just thought they were really good friends like Bostody and I. But after they had downed half a jug of wine I noticed they were sitting unusually close together and then realized that the Brunette was stroking the Blonde's thigh. Ok, maybe they were just REALLY good friends. Then, after enough time had passed for them to finish the jug-o-wine, I was in the middle of a sentence when Bostody's jaw dropped open and she stopped listening to me. I glanced over to see what she was looking at and the two ladies next to us were full-on making out and groping each other. We ended up talking to them later (after they had pried themselves apart) and had a very nice conversation. On a related note, I would just like to say that after my trip to Los Angeles I think that L.A. is the Gay capitol of the world. I've been to San Francisco and I live in Portland and neither one even compared to the sheer number of homosexual couples flooding the streets of L.A. Maybe there was a convention the weekend I was there or something. Haha. (disclaimer, I don't think I am being offensive in these descriptions, but I fear I may be like The Office's Michael and saying all kinds of stuff that is politically incorrect. So if I am, I'm sorry and I only have good intentions.)

All right, I really need to go to bed so I'll leave it here for now. Next up...the creepiest people we met and then THE BIG 5 BEST PEOPLE in SoCal!

Weird Mood

2008-01-31T15:42:00.000-08:00

Is it strange for me to feel like I really do have a testimony but not be able to explain why or exactly what it consists of? Because that's how I feel. I guess that sounds like I'm just a blind follower or somewhat dimwitted and lazy. The lazy part I can't disagree with. It's something I'm working on, both spiritually and in other aspects of my life. A month or two ago I was so confused and tired with every aspect of my life, including religion, that I was on the verge of just walking away from everything about my lifestyle which largely revolves around church practices and teachings. I have a few friends who have done just that, some pretty recently. Some things happened to switch my path in a direction leading back towards the Church and I don't regret it, but sometimes I look at that other path leading away with a lot of curiosity.

I have many thoughts related to the first paragraph, but they are not really coherent so I'll stop there. Do you know the reason why I want to get married? (Well besides the obvious "it's nice to love and be loved" and "sex is fun" stuff, haha.) Mostly it's because I miss having really good conversations on a regular basis. My imagined future spouse will be very smart and entertaining and an amazing conversationalist who will listen to me and give me good things to listen to and he will give me insights to the world and to myself on a regular basis. I have had friends who are like this, but the difference between a friend and a spouse is that one is stuck with me and is available on a daily basis while friends (even the best ones) tend to come and go as much as I don't want them to. My preconceived notions about marriage don't include stuff like "we'll never fight" or "it will be so wonderful and easy" but instead I imagine (probably falsely) that we will at least always find each other interesting.

The funniest thing I've seen in months and months was when I was driving to the movie theater 2 weeks ago on a 2-lane country road and saw in the oncoming lane a little old hunched man in a motorized wheelchair pushing the forward switch with one hand while eating popcorn with the other. He was smack-dab in the middle of the lane and couldn't have been moving faster than 7 mph and there were 6 cars and trucks backed up behind him, but by golly he was enjoying the scenery and the popcorn and just did not give a damn about anyone else on the road. After I passed him I watched in the rearview mirror as all 6 cars and trucks zoomed around him and I laughed and laughed the rest of the way to the theater. Life sometimes throws the BEST things at you when you least expect it!

Memory Lane

2007-12-05T23:02:00.001-08:00

I've been so down in the dumps the last few weeks, I've forgotten what *this* feels like...to be smiley and giggly for hours straight without it being manic. Just good old fashioned happiness. I've been going through old emails all day and can I just say that my best friend is freaking hilarious?! And she's the funniest when she isn't even really trying to be. Here's some quotes from her emails back in the day (2001-2003)

1. Anyway... lets end on a happpier note...hmm what to write... oh ok ! On my cruise one night after dinner I had drank like 7 cokes so I had to pee like nothin else. So my mom, sister and I booked it to our cabin, and of course steff and mom went to the bathroom before me so when it was finally my turn to get in the bathroom I thought for sure I was going to pee my paints (Actually I was wearing a skirt), and to make matters worse I had my tummy tucker on!. So after I pulled down skirt, took off the tucker I sat down and began to pee, but something was differnt. 1/2 of the tolet was the typical cold smooth feeling, and the other was warm and soft. So l looked down and my mom's underwear were under me and well I had peed all over them! At this point it didn't hit what had happed, so I yelled at my mom. I could not think of why the heck she would put her underwear on the tolet when she knew I had to pee. Then I thought about what I had yelled at my mom about, and told her I just peed all over her panties. Then for at least 20 mins I could not stop laughing. I drenched my moms underwear because I peed on them! It was great! My sister got a kick out of it too. and my mom just kept saying " Oh man those were my good ones..." I laughed forever.

2. Yesterday was such a great day! I had a blast with the boys. We found this HUGE hill and went down it a couple of times. well, actually the guys just went down it, I went down it 1 and 1/2 times, and I hurt my face. OK let me tell you the story......
I just got dne walking this HUGE hill, and i was out of breath, and i was a little emabrassed, but i was ok. So, I let dana and grant go before me and they were going to " catch" me at the bottum of this HUGE hill. I was sitting on top of the hill, and some girl was there with me. I turned to her and said, " man, I really don't want to fall off and do something like.. I dunno break my face." And the girl just kind of looked at me and said, " yeah i know what you mean."
Then i hopped onto my sled and away i went!!! Oh brother,,,, I spun around and went right off the edge of the hill. And landed face first in the snow! The snow was... i dunno a foot deep, and just powder so when i flipped around and landed on my face, i didn't roll or anything. I went up and then came down and stopped. And if my body could have done this it would have made a nice little fart noise when i landed. when i got my head out of the snow all i could hear was the guys laughing at me

3. i got the song " back to you" and i liked it. the other song about sex weirded me out so i put it in the trash (talking about Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer...I'd just like to point out this was BEFORE he was popular)

4. my english teacher is also a riot! But not in a homosexual way.

5. hey, I forgot to tell you something.... the other day my sister and I were play fighting, not real fighting... and she kicked me in the butt and I peed all over the place!

6. I have decided that I can't stand mice. They drive me nuts and are horrible and gross and have rabies.

And last but not least, a spiritual lesson taught in a way only my best friend could teach it...

7. I went roller bladding last sunday instead of watching General Conference and I realize that I am a sinner. And, because I sinned I think I have been cursed. On the inside of my right foot I have one hugly massive blister. This isnt' just another blister everyone gets... Jess, this thing is HUGE! Yesterday green puss was coming out of it, and I know it is going to leave a huge ol scar. And then the kids step all over my feet and I have to fight back tears. It is just horrible. SO from now on, I am not going to miss important church things like General conference.!

She doesn't know I have a blog, and I didn't give her name so hopefully she never finds out I posted these, but I don't think anyone really reads this anyways so I guess it's ok that I quoted her on the internet. My good mood spilled over from reading these to my class tonight and I had a grand old time passing a note back and forth with my friend for 3 hours. It was like high school all over again, and I loved it!

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but tonight I am grateful for my break from sadness.

Nevermind

2007-12-03T15:11:00.000-08:00

Apparently I just don't like to be touched. I crave it but then hate it when it happens. I seriously am a freak. A mood-swingy, unmotivated, doesn't know what she wants or needs crazy person. For reals. I believe that because I recognize and take ownership of my craziness, it helps people around me to not hate me. Maybe I'm deluding myself though and I really do annoy my friends and family as much as I'm afraid I do.

Went to the doctor and got happy pills. Again. Apparently since this is the third time I've had to do it, now I have to stay on them indefinitely and never be weaned off, according to my doctor. And she wants me to see a counselor which is fine because I've been thinking about doing that anyway. But how does one go about finding a counselor? Especially one who won't try and make me talk about why I should hate my parents, because I don't and I don't want to.

I hate that I'm here in my life again. It leaves me tired and wondering if it's really worth it.

mel-an-chol-y: 1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression

2007-12-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

One of my greatest wishes is to have someone who loves me put both their arms around me and just sit with me and let me cry and cry. Probably just knowing I had someone like that would make the need for them go away. Feeling sadness so strongly that you can't breathe well or stand up straight is especially hard when you have to feel it alone.

Reason #5 I Am Crazy

2007-11-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that some guy in a house next door was tethered to a tree by his arms and he had to stand that way all day everyday. And I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. Also in that dream, two random guys from middle school were walking past tree-boy and I told them to be nice to him or I'd kick their butts. Yet I made no move to untether him.

My dreams are so weird and have the most random people in them. I have not seen those 2 boys in 7 or 8 years and we were never friends in school, and there they were in my head for no apparent reason. (Tether boy was a made up person that I didn't recognize so that's good I guess.)

Sometimes I Hate Naming Things (like blog entries)

2007-10-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

Well I have been especially short tempered, easily annoyed and prone to tears the last week or so. I also have been losing motivation fast to attend my classes and do any schoolwork. I'm 85% sure it's directly linked to what time of the month it is, but I'll know for sure in just over a week. I really hope it's that and not the onset of another bout with depression. Sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.

I went to Tacoma last night to my favorite cousin's wedding open house. (He got married in North Carolina last week.) I like his new wife. It's always nice to see two people fall in love and get married who really "match." He reassured me that my turn would soon follow and it made me laugh that he thought celebrating his marriage would make me mourn my own lack of marriage prospects. (It didn't, by the way. Surprisingly sometimes I can think of others without thinking of myself too, haha.)

Before travelling to Tacoma yesterday, I attended my first ever Super Saturday for Relief Society. The ladies in charge even made me "teach" a class making vertical boards with wood blocks and wood letters that said "Ho Ho Ho." They were all cut out so everyone just painted the peices and glued them together. Of course mine was the worst of the bunch, but I just pretended it wasn't and bossed everyone on how to make their own anyways, haha. Is it bad that while we were making the boards I was laughing to myself because of something I heard in high school? A friend of mine back then told me about a school spirit assembly in which she and some others were ramping up the student body for that night's football game against a rival high school. One of their methods was to put on santa hats and shout "Everyday is Christmas at (insert name of rival school here). Ho ho ho." It was widely known that this particular school's student body was more permiscuous than usual, even to the point of needing a daycare IN the highschool. And since I heard that story I have never been able to think of Santa's refrain without giggling a little to myself, even at church activities.

...........................................................................

And now it's two days later. I am tired. I wonder if I'm too selfish with my time to ever be a good mother. Brain too tired for further explanation or musing on the subject. Good night.

I be Smrt

2007-10-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, I do NOT recommend going to this site to get your iq results because they force you to go through about a bazillion ads (the fact that I said "bazillion" really proves how smart I am...haha) but it was a stroke to my ego that I got a 124, rated as "superior." I wish I really was of superior intelligence, but alas I do things to disprove that everyday.

Get a Free IQ Test

Gnashing of Teeth

2007-10-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

So here's another reason I think I might (may?) be crazy. Sometimes if someone isn't willing to punish me for my bad choices, I will inflict self-punishment instead. I did this last week in my psychology class. We have had to write two papers so far this semester, and I turned the first paper in late. I talked to the professor about it and she graciously gave me full points even though it states in the syllabus that we will be docked 5 points/day that a paper is late. When I was writing the second paper, I waited until the last minute to start and then got really frustrated because I couldn't find all the resources I needed and so I didn't get it finished on time. I was going to e-mail the teacher and ask her for some more guidance, but since I had turned in the first paper late without penalty I did not want her to give me full points again. Before I got the chance to contact her, she e-mailed me and said that I could turn it in late again with no penalty.

And so I just never turned it in. I finished it but didn't give it to her. I don't want to feel like I am manipulating someone in order to get special favors and so I punished myself since she wasn't willing to do it.

Today my biology professor handed back a paper I had written for that class. I thought I had done well on the paper and so I was surprised to get it back with A LOT of red ink all over it. Now, I have gotten several bad grades in the past due to laziness...I don't show up to class enough or I just don't turn in assignments, but when I do my work, I do it very well. And so that red ink caused my blood pressure to rise just a little. But then when I read the comments, my blood started to BOIL!

-side note- I am writing this in my school's computer lab while I wait for a friend, and someone in here keeps letting out the most rancid farts and it is grossing me out AND making me laugh too

Ok, back to the subject, I got docked points because my paper wasn't detailed enough. My paper wasn't detailed enough because it was limited to one page, and I had written it double-spaced (what teacher nowadays asks for single spaced??). Now, when I was writing the paper I remember getting frustrated because I kept having to edit and re-edit my information to get it down to the bare minimum so it would fit on one page. So my professor took away enough points to make my grade an 85% (I know, not awful...but I would have gotten 100% if I hadn't misunderstood the directions) and then, to add insult to injury she wrote "you need to use single space - don't use double to hide that there isn't a full page here."

I have never in my life tried to manipulate the format of my paper to hide the fact that I didn't have enough information. Like I said before, either I don't do my work at all or I do it really well. I was pissed all through class!

Mad at one teacher for punishing me unjustly and equally annoyed with another for not punishing me when it was deserved. I am a freak.

2007-10-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

HAHAHA, I totally spelled council wrong again, this time neglecting to add the n.

I Suspect I Might Be Crazy

2007-10-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

This will be fun. I will list all the reasons I think I am crazy so I always have something to blog about.

Reason #1: When I was writing the title, I really struggled because I didn't know whether is was proper to write "might be crazy" or "may be crazy." I need my go-to grammar guy for that one.

Reason #2: (The reason that inspired this post) Last night, my last thought before I drifted off to sleep was that I had spelled "coucil" wrong in my post yesterday. I wasn't even thinking of ANYTHING related to that post or situation, and bam...there it was. So I edited it. For those who didn't see, I had written seminary counsel.

Reason #3: Sometimes I talk to myself in accents just because I think it's fun. Even worse, sometimes I fake cry about something traumatic that hasn't happened to me. One time I was doing that in my car at a stoplight and the people next to me gave me several concerned/baffled looks, but I still didn't stop. Oh, and also related to this one,

3a: I still sing sometimes. I do all these things with the faint thought that one day, I really will be Discovered and someone will make me a famous actress or singer, even though I am fully aware that my skills are only adequate. Haha.

That's good for now. But there are LOTS more.

I make myself laugh. =)

Crying

2007-10-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

I feel paralyzed sometimes by my lack of ability to distinguish between experiences that happen just as a result of being in the (right) time and place, or because God led them to me/me to them. I am facing two situations right now that are VERY different, but I think they have a similar theme.

Background: I have never been able to recognize the voice of the Spirit giving me a direct answer. Ever. When I am in Church, I often feel a tightening in my chest and sweaty palms, and there are times when I am talking with people or listening to music or reading scriptures when I have "a-ha" moments. But these are always just general feelings, never specific guidance or direction. I have said many, many prayers over the years-- at times on my knees for over an hour. I plead to feel something right then and there...a sudden warmth/tangible heat, physical arms surrounding me, hearing a distinct voice...anything more than just an empty silence. It never happens. And so I fumble through life trying to recognize the Spirit and God's influence in my life in other ways, and often I am trying so hard that it becomes easy to label anything as God, or the Spirit.

When I applied to BYU-Provo, I did not think I could ever get in. My GPA was only a 3.23. And so when I got the acceptance letter, I assumed that God must have planned for me to go there, because why else would I have gotten that letter? As I struggled with loneliness, a broken spirit, and severe depression (to the point of becoming suicidal) over the next 2 years, I just kept telling myself I had to keep plodding along because this was where I was supposed to be. God made the admissions office accept me because I was supposed to do great things with my life there in Provo.

Long story short, five years later I have come to the solid conclusion that I would have been better off going to Idaho. Not that I didn't learn anything from my time in Provo. I think that if a person is trying to live the Gospel they can have valuable experiences, find friends and get some degree of satisfaction out of life no matter what their circumstances. But just because I wasn't expecting to get accepted to BYU-Provo did not mean that God was pushing and leading me there. Looking back, what got me in was a 30 on the ACT's and being on seminary council and holding every presidency position possible in Young Women's.

-end of background-

Ok, so the situations.
1. After teaching a lesson in Relief Society, (said lesson was pretty great, if I do say so myself) the Stake President's wife called me with a proposition. She has a 19 year old daughter who is severely handicapped and she needs someone to move into the apartment attached to their house (mansion) to help care for the daughter when she and her husband are out of town or schedules don't allow them to be around. She was impressed by me and after talking it over with her husband decided to ask me to be that person.

This means a chance to live in a beautiful mansion. With the Stake President. For free. I get to provide service on a regular basis. I get my own space. I get a little bit of extra money. Sister Stake President has told me several times now to make sure and pray about my decision, because they feel really good about it, but want me to get my own confirmation. Um, problem... I don't get answers to prayers like that, remember? So, similar to the BYU situation, I am faced with being offered an amazing opportunity that I was not expecting or looking for. I'm inclined to think (again) that this must be God's handiwork in my life and what I am meant to do right now to get the BEST experiences that I need the MOST in my life RIGHT NOW. I have prayed now several times, and over and over I feel nothing as I sit on aching knees waiting for something to tell me whether its right or wrong.

I know all the standard replies, and have had several 'conversations' with myself that go as follows:
1. But Jessica, maybe the silence is your answer. Because you don't feel a confirmation that means you should not take this opportunity.
2. Jessica, you are not feeling a "stupor" of thought, or sick to your stomach after you pray so that means your answer is yes and you should take this opportunity.
3. Jessica, you just have to make a decision based on your own best reasoning and move forward. Neither option is a bad one, so Heavenly Father isn't going to push you in one direction over another.
4. You are unworthy to receive an answer, so why are you trying so hard to feel something that you are not allowed to feel?

Number 3 has won out, and I am moving into the mansion. But oh how I wish that for once I could KNOW what God wants me to do.

Situation #1 isn't a bad one necessarily because I think that either decision will lead to good things and I am excited and flattered to have been offered the opportunity. I'm just frustrated with my lack of understanding of prayer/the Spirit/guidance/testimony.

I have a lot more at risk in situation #2. There is most definitely the possibility of making a flat out WRONG choice there. I've been given knowledge about a close friend that came without me seeking it. And once again, I find myself rationalizing that it can't be a coincidence and because I now find myself in the situation with the knowledge I have, God must want me to do something to help my friend.

But maybe it is just a coincidence and I will do more harm than good by acting on my knowledge. Am I the only one who can help and by doing nothing I am ignoring Heavenly Father's wish that I confront my friend? Is it wrong and prideful to wonder if maybe I can be a tool in God's hands or the answer to someone's prayer? Or would I just be putting my nose in where it doesn't belong and causing unnessesary pain to my friend, my friend's family and myself and in the end making the situation infinitely worse by getting involved.

I wish I knew. I wish I was capable of figuring it out with the help of the Spirit. I wish I wasn't crippled in this way. It's going to be a hard week.

Great News!

2007-09-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

I'm getting married! No, I'm not, that was just a joke. But I do have news that is almost as great (to me). I discovered that Bajio has been spreading like wildfire and there is one only 40 minutes from my house! I ate there today and it made me so happy. Black beans and sweet rice...yum. But the one here doesn't have the good crunchy ice or Applebeer, so the one in the Riverwoods in Provo still holds the place dearest in my heart. Now if only I could get J-Dawgs to come here. Mmm...special sauce...good.

My life is kind of sad when things like restaurants make me so happy. Oh well, I'll just take joy in it anyway and not think about it too much, haha.

I Am Really Good At This

2007-08-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

Or not. I had no idea it has been over 6 months since I last posted something. In that time, well not a whole lot has changed. My life is boring. I still work at Office Depot (pronounced in my mind as dee-pot, not depoe.) but now I get to be the cash office person and count the safe everyday and clean up the mess that the person before me left behind. I actually really like it.

I turned 24 earlier this month. I started telling people I was 24 3 or 4 months ago and so now I have a hard time remembering whether I am actually 24 or 25 now. I think this year will be a good one, but still boring. Is it bad that I am waiting for my life to really start after I finally graduate and am just existing until then? I am totally one of those "...then I'll be happy" people and I hate it. But not enough to change it apparently.

I started a new semester of school on Monday. So far I love none of my classes, but I do love that I feel motivated to do well this semester and am off to an organized, proactive start so that's something to feel happy about. One class I hate I had today. Maybe I will like it by the end of the semester, but right now it just makes me anxious because the professor is a strange, sweaty clinical psychologist who is making us spend the entire semester fixing an emotional or social flaw. Mine is social anxiety and she wants me to sit next to someone new in each of my classes for the rest of the semester and record my level of anxiety each time I do so. What's next? Actually having to make eye contact with strangers?? Something funny...a boy I babysat for 3 years is in one of my classes. Weird, but even weirder is that he is now a lot smarter than me! I'm happy and annoyed by this.

Ok, time to go home and clean so my parents don't realize how messy I let the house get in their absense this week. Maybe I'll write again soon.

My Favorite Joke

2007-01-23T16:05:00.000-08:00

right now is this one...

Q: What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?

A: A boobie!

Haha, I saw it on tv 3 weeks ago and it still makes me giggle.

Confidence

2007-01-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

Where exactly does confidence come from? I wish I could find the person selling it and restock my supply. I was just writing an e-mail to an old friend from high school, and by doing so started another walk down memory lane. I used to love reading old journals and e-mails and letters and looking at my picture albums over and over again. But lately I've started to avoid doing so because I find myself sad afterwards everytime now.

To clarify, my life is pretty good right now. I am performing well in school, which hasn't happened since middle school. I love love love my family and spending time with them. My testimony isn't great, but it's moving forward again little by little so that's good. I don't love my job, but it's good enough for now and I am well liked there and my work does give me the opportunity to showcase my people skills and leadership skills. I haven't suffered from a bout of depression in a long time. I also realize that high school and the first two years of college were full of trials and difficulties. But when I read old e-mails or look at old pictures, I ineviteably walk away feeling a little empty.

I wish I could find a word to describe how I feel. Something like lonely or deflated, but not quite so depressing or all-encompassing. I'm not lonely because I have my family and I'm still in contact with some very good friends. I'm not totally deflated because I'm still able to use my skills at home and at work. But there's a chunk of "Old Me" that is missing and I want it back. I miss having an abundance of friends. I love the ones that I do have, but they are all long distance relationships. I miss being the center of attention, I miss people wanting to hear my stories, I miss friends asking for my advice or just venting to me because they trust me. I miss feeling like even though I'm not thin or beautiful, people will still like me. Actually, thinking about it, I think it just dawned on me that it is a Church social problem that I am having. People at work like me and last quarter I was able to make friends in my classes relatively easily. But those are all relationships without substance. Kids in my ward still have no idea who I am 7 months after I started attending. Even more discouraging is that my Bishopric has no idea who I am, despite my effort to meet with each of them personnally to introduce myself and let them know a little about me. No one there knows that I am smart and funny with a tendency to be loud and sometimes even a little obnoxious. I don't get asked to participate in any musical numbers or asked to give talks or lessons. Teachers don't ask my opinions in class. No one wants me to help plan activities or even cares whether I attend activities or not.

I know I sound really dumb and self absorbed. I probably also sound lazy and whiny. If I want people to really know who I am, I should put the real me out there more. I know this, but it makes me mad because I don't remember ever having to put out a lot of effort before. The real me just manifested itself and I was given opportunities to shine in Church and with my friends without having to demand them.

The ward we attend and people we know in church is such a huge part of our lives as Latter Day Saints. Typing this, I am realizing that work and school aren't enough for me because...well again I lack the right words to describe it. But I have tied a lot of my confidence in myself to relationships and opportunites I have had within the Church in the past. And now Church is no longer the stage that it used to be for me to shine.

I am giving myself a lot to think about. I am not wholly dissatisfied with church right now, because as I said before my testimony really is growing (finally, it was pretty stagnant there for a while.) It's just that I never feel fatter or uglier or less interesting than after I go to Church each Sunday, and those feelings are residual throughout the week. On the other hand, I always leave Church feeling spiritually motivated. How is it that Sundays are the best and also the very worst day of my week? How is it that I have been more motivated than ever before to work hard and be successful in school and the workplace, but I am simultaneously more discouraged and less confident than I have ever been socially and about my place in the church?

I need a shrink or something. Or just a good friend to help me analyze it all myself. And now, I also need food because I am very hungry so I guess I'll just have to stop whining and smile again for today. =)

I Can Be Kind to Animals

2006-12-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

My dad teaches primary in the family ward here. (A great example of how there are no small callings, because my dad is amazing and could be serving anywhere in the ward, but he loves his little class!) The lesson last week was "I Can Be Kind to Animals," and it was all about how Heavenly Father created animals and how He loves them and so we should also love them and treat them with kindness. Towards the end of the lesson, the manual prompts the teacher to ask the students to share if they have pets and give examples of how they treat them with kindness. After all the predictable "I pet my dog, etc." answers, my dad called on a little girl who had her hand stretched so high in the air she looked like she was about to take off from her seat. She explained that her family used to have 3 fish. "Ah, fish huh? That's great, and how did you treat your fish?" my dad asked. She replied, "Well, the first one died the second day we got it. Then one day my mom was cleaning out the fish bowl and the second one escaped and fell down the kitchen drain. And the third one died because we forgot to feed it and so we flushed it down the toilet."

I miss teaching Primary SO much! Quirky little kids are the best and I miss my weekly dose of laughter. At least I still have a funny 10 year old sister, who used to be much more amusing but still gets us rolling once in awhile. A few weeks ago, I overheard her whining that our dog had just licked her face. My mom told her to knock it off, that dogs had the cleanest mouths of all animals and that she would be just fine. My sister paused for a moment and then replied emphatically, "But Mom! I've seen Candy lick her own Butt!" Haha! The wisdom of children...

Woodchucks Chucking Wood

2006-11-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

I wish that I could be an amazing "bloggist" but I just am not. I should write more. I'll try to write more. Since my last post, I have started school and now the quarter is almost over. I am kicking major butt in my classes and am getting great grades. Unfortunately, I still have some slacker in me and my class attendance and diligence in reading all required textbooks chapters has waned considerably since the beginning of the term. But my grades haven't suffered from it, I am just not learning as much. I think I would rather be a little dumber and a harder worker than smart and lazy. I also got a job a month ago at Office Depot. It's been interesting working again, and working there in particular. I'll try and devote a whole post to it later. I'm still lacking in a social life...now I can't even get my married friends to hang out with me. But I'm busy with school and work so I don't miss having friends very much unless I make the mistake of reading old journals or e-mails from when I was in my social prime. The main problem with not having friends is that my mom is the only one I can vent to when I'm feeling a little down, but my mother is not able to take my venting in stride and I find out later from my dad that everytime I talk to her, she is unable to sleep for weeks because she is so worried about me. She thinks my life is way worse than I do. Just one more reason why I should use this forum as a place to vent instead of going to my mom. The computer doesn't internalize and blow my bad moods out of proportion. Anyways, I was just sitting here killing time so the water heater could do it's job so that I can take a warm shower before Church and I thought I'd do a quick little update here. I'll try to come back soon.

Goals:

2006-09-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

I recently turned 23 and woke up the morning of my birthday feeling a little down. It seems to me that I am WAY behind where I should be at this point in my life, and I had a few "woe is me, I am a failure" moments. Luckily in Church the next day I had the epiphany that I have inherent worth because I am a daughter of God. Which sounds cheesy when typed out like that, but it really did make me feel better.

I've decided that 23 is going to be a good year. I am going to get good grades and have proof on paper that I am a smart, capable student. I am going to keep going to the gym on a regular basis and by doing so lose weight and have some confidence again. I really hate feeling like I don't look people in the eye anymore because I am ashamed and sure that they only see a fat girl, which is probably true. But I can do something about it, so I will. I am going to get a job, even if it's a crappy job that only pays $8 an hour and use my money wisely and pay off old debts. I am going to keep reading my scriptures everyday, or close to it. I've discovered that I actually like reading them if I do it during the day instead of trying to stuff it in right before I go to sleep. I want to smile more and complain less and stop "seeking out the storms and more fully enjoy the sunlight."

Here are some things that I do have concerns or questions about. I'm just going to throw them out there and try not to dwell on them anymore after this. I don't like saying my prayers. Personal or publicly. I've tried saying them morning and night, out loud or just in my head, I've tried "listening" afterwards but I just never feel like they're going anywhere. I wish I could hire someone else to say them for me. Like I would make a list for this person everyday of things I need, questions I have and things I am grateful for and then they could talk to God for me. And I could give written consent so that God can give them revelation for me and they can just pass it on to me.

Another concern that I have is that sometimes I am really awkward. I don't like small talk. And I have some friends that I have never gotten past the small talk stage with. And one of those friends is a boy here who I was determined to form a close friendship with, so I attempt to barrel through the small talk and in doing so say all kinds of embarrassing things and give out details that he just doesn't need to hear. Ok, to be fair I tend to barf out too many details with all of my friends, but it's different and worse in this case...trust me. Anyways, despite my efforts to get closer to him (or maybe because of them?) I just feel lamer and more uncomfortable around him all the time. On Friday, he called to say he was coming over and my parents decided to leave on a date. I've kept hanging out with him up to this point mostly because my parents are always home when we hang out so they can occupy him most of the time and I can keep lame conversations to a minimum. So they weren't going to be around to buffer and I got more and more nervous until I couldn't take it anymore and started BALLING. My parents left on their date late so they could be with me to greet my friend and ease me into being alone with him.

I've known this kid since high school. He's very sweet and normal and I should be able to get over myself and be good friends with him. I don't "like" him, so that's not the problem. No, I am just awkward to the point that now I'm utterly pathetic and cry at the thought of having to be alone with him. It's so lame and sad that it's funny and I feel ashamed of myself, but can't help laughing as well as I write this.

I really do miss my friends. The ones that I never had to go through a "small talk" stage with. I haven't met anyone like that in a very long time and it makes me sad.

One last question, yesterday in Sunday School, the lesson was on Hosea (which to me is worse than Revelations and Isaiah so I got almost nothing from the lesson.) The one thing I did understand is that there are simile's and there are metephors in this book of the Old Testament. But I do not know how to spell either "simile" or "metephor" so that is my first question. My second question is what the heck is the difference between the two? Because my class and my teacher said there was a difference, but the examples of both seemed the same to me. It was as I was pondering these questions that I decided to add something to my "List" that I made in Young Women of qualities required in my future husband. He must be able to answer my random questions. Or at least give off an air of being smart enough to answer most of them. It's very important to me, more important than looks or the ability to fix a car.

Well, have a good day. That is for anyone who reads this post, and if no one does...then it's for me. =)

Colors pg. 24

2006-09-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

My skin is kind of sort of brownish
Pinkish yellowish white.
My eyes are greyish blueish green.
But I'm told they look orange in the night.
My hair is reddish blondish brown,
But it's silver when it's wet.
And all the colors I am inside
Have not been invented yet.
--Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends--

Morning After Deletion

2006-04-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

I like that you can delete old posts. I always go back and read my journals and cringe because I just am not that good of a writer. I was feeling especially overdramatic when I created this blog and wrote an embarassingly lame post. But, no harm done. I got my catharsis and then got to delete it so no one will ever read it.