Self Punishment

Life has been good lately. I'm meeting fun people who have good senses of humor here in Texas (it's about time!). I finally got a job. A new friend in the ward hooked me up with a great situation. The job itself has its ups and downs, but I guess all jobs do and right now I'm just so happy to be OUT OF THE HOUSE and NOT POOR! =) I've had some interesting experiences at the new place...there's definitely some "characters" there. Maybe another day I'll share some stories that I know you all love.

My baby Buggy moved away last week. It was a very tearful goodbye on my end (as I'm sure it would have been on hers if she had any idea that she wasn't going to get to see me everyday anymore, since I'm obviously her favorite person in the whole world besides her Mommy!). I'm really crossing my fingers that someday (hopefully sooner than later) I'll get to have a baby or two of my own that I don't have to move away from. It's heartbreaking to fall madly in love with these babies and kids and then not have them be a daily part of my life anymore.

Skylar is my bestie out here. If anyone had told me a few years ago that the sister 10 years younger than me would become my favorite person in the whole world, I would have gladly wagered a million dollars that they were mistaken. Good thing I didn't, because I definitely don't have the dough to pay up now. Anyway, I've resorted to lying about Skylar's age and grade (she's now "18 and graduating next week", lol) so that I can bring her along to parties and get-togethers with cool people from church. It's a win-win...I have a friend who gets my sense of humor and laughs irreverently at situations and people along with me, while she gets to stare and drool at a bunch of hot young men age 21-27ish...every 17 year old's dream! Don't worry, I'm very blunt in telling every guy we talk to that she is off limits and so far they all think that 18 is still too young for them. I'm either the coolest older sister ever, or the very very worst. =)

So yeah, life is good. I had an especially great day today. Then I came up to check Facebook. And this lame guy ("lame" is putting it VERY mildly, and kindly) that I kind of, sort of, dated last summer had posted something. And I commented on it. And then I fell into the trap of looking at pictures of him, then I dug into my archives and looked at pics and videos of times we spent together with his kids.

And now I just feel tired.

I really need to be careful about digging up those particular memories. I really need to just stop having any contact with him at all. If I was smarter or less inclined to inflict pain on myself I'd delete him as a Facebook friend altogether (again), and delete him from my phone (again) and vow never to talk to him again (again), and get rid of all those pictures and videos (again) except actually stick with it this time.

I got into a debate with a friend last week about what the ideal age for marriage is. I was adamant in my opinion that 90% of the time, any age before 24 is TOO YOUNG. He disagreed. My arguments all sounded very good at the time, about how when you're older you should be wiser, and have better life experience, and your brain is fully developed, and you know your own strengths and weaknesses better...but now I'm sitting here thinking about this stupid boy I allowed into my life last summer, who I'm STILL allowing into my life even from half a country away. I'm not 18 or 20 or even 24. I'm 26, so what's my excuse?

Maybe I'll have it figured out in my 30's? 40's? Or maybe it's not about age at all and my friend was right. Which would mean I'll keep making terrible, awful decisions about who I give my attention and emotions and esteem and maybe even my heart to, indefinitely.

I'm gonna go watch 24 now. Maybe living in Jack's world for a little while will put my own silly problems back into perspective. Or at least just distract me from them...did anyone else find it impossible to think about anything else last week when Jack GUTTED that guy to death?!

Lol, maybe it's 24's fault that I keep having crazy nightmares about cutting old women's hands off with saws. (She was a kidnapper and was trying to kill me ok?)

I need a therapist, stat. =)

Random Fun

I don't want to forget this, so I'm writing it down here... Brittney is going to audition for her Middle School talent show, so she's been practicing a karaoke version of Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly." She did a demonstration for us sisters the other day, and then of course we ALL wanted to try singing some karaoke. Skylar went first, and she decided to show Brittney how it's done on Bubbly. It was going well until she realized she didn't really know the lyrics and had to improvise. Her best line?

"You give me sillies in my tingly place!"

Yes, she did. And yes, I will make sure to use that line in her wedding toast somehow.

My last posts have been heavy on the words (what do you expect from a blog titled Word Vomit?), so here's some recent pics of my adorable niece, Kyleigh, for you to enjoy:







Look at those cheeks! Is it any wonder I kiss them 1,000 times a day??



Sometimes we torture Ky-bug to amuse ourselves, but she still loves us anyway. Mostly because we bribe her with food and drinks she shouldn't have - see video below: (p.s. we learned this behavior from our dad)








Note: The weird panting sound you hear at the end of the video is us trying to get Kyleigh to do her latest "thing", where she scrunches up her face and smiles really big, then pants while she cheeses it up for us. We love it, but couldn't get her to do it on film.

Such a big girl! I love my Buggy-Baby!

Another Texas Tale

I bet you think I broke my commitment, don't you? Well, I didn't. I spent over 2 hours writing potential blog posts the other night, but in the end they all came across as really rude or boring. So I hit delete and went to bed. There's a story I want to write out about one girl in particular here in TX, but when I try to describe her I just can't get it right. I think I was trying to give way too much info and background, so I'm going to try it again but keep it short and simple* this time, and hopefully not come across as too rude or judgemental. (*Disclaimer: Jessica + short-n-simple is usually an oxymoron, so just know I mean relatively short and simple)

Girl: 5'2 or 5'3ish, very blonde, huge smile, gives off a wholesome yet silly/flirty vibe, overall the type you just want to put into your pocket when you first see her. She tends to make boys drool a little. She will be referred to as "Bambi" from here on out.

Setting: FHE (The same one as the "scoot over" and "seaward" incidents. It was a big night for me.) A lesson on charity had just been given. The floor was opened up to comments. Bambi NEVER passes up an opportunity to comment or talk at church.

Bambi's comment (as best as I can recall):

So while you were talking, I came up with a list of things in my head that I want to share with everyone. (Sidenote: This intro clued me in right away that I was about to be amazed. Continuing on.) First of all, once I went to a psychiatric ward. As a volunteer, of course! Anyway, I met this man who was admitted because he was such a negative person. He was really unhappy because his wife was going to leave him because he was SO negative and he judged everyone he came across. He was so discouraged that he couldn't change, so I gave him some advice that I think we can all use. I told that man, "When you see someone and feel the urge to judge them, just tell yourself, 'Don't judge, love! Don't. Judge. LOVE!'...

I started laughing to myself at this point and then I got the list of possible FHE group names, so I was distracted for the next 5 minutes of her comment. I tuned back in to hear this:

...and a big part of charity is forgiveness. Now I've learned a lot about forgiveness and I hope that y'all can learn from my experiences instead of having to learn the hard way yourselves. So, I was a young widow at age 20, and then I got remarried at age 22. I went to the temple and was sealed. Two hours after my sealing for time and all eternity, my husband told me he hated my guts and wished he had never married me. I think maybe he got cold feet or something. But anyway that was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but I did forgive him and now we talk all the time, like every week. And I also give him advice and set him up with girls all the time! So I was able to forgive him and...

I tuned her out again at this point, and didn't hear any of the rest of her comments and advice. I was flabbergasted as I looked around the room, expecting to see people holding back laughs, or rolling their eyes, or maybe just looking confused. But no, all I saw were people nodding their heads and smiling, as if what this girl was saying was completely normal and, gosh oh gee, she really DID know all about charity and was really a wise little pixy!

I just don't get it. Have all my years in the Pacific Northwest turned me into a stone cold meanie? Am I completely jaded, or just looking for things to criticize? No, after thinking about it a lot, I would really like to think that MY reaction was not the strange one in that room on Monday night. The only thing that I can't figure out is WHY all those people seem to think that Bambi's comments are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean, granted she is VERY nice and sweet, and I really do believe that she means well with all of her strange stories and advice. But you can think someone is nice, and heck, even like them a lot, yet be able to recognize that sometimes the things they say are just plumb crazy.

So here are my 3 possible conclusions. Maybe you all can let me know which is/are the most probable in this case:

1. Other people DID think what she was saying was really TMI and a little self-righteous, and a lot strange. However, they are all just much better actors than me, and have more self-control over their eye-rolling and jaw-dropping reflexes.

2. Texans just expect people to ramble on about really personal things in their testimonies and comments? In Texas, you aren't spiritual unless you can back it up with evidence from your life, even if the evidence isn't very convincing?

3. Beautiful people can say dumb crap as much as they want and no one cares, because they're just so pretty. (I don't know whether I'd narrow this down to Texas, I think it may be a country-wide epidemic.)

So there you have it folks. Let me know how terrible and mean and judgemental I really am. Maybe Texas will make a kinder, gentler (more boring?) Jessica out of me yet, if I spend enough time here to let it.

Texas

SO much to catch up on since last time I wrote...heartbreak, moving across the country, my wonderfully crazy family, visit to Utah, Cortney's visit to Texas, new job, the list goes on and on. Maybe I'll get to some or all of it eventually. Probably not. But tonight my mind is racing and racing with some of the crazy things that I've experienced here, and I'm wishing I had just one really irreverent friend to share my experiences and laugh with me. But since all of them live in other parts of the country, I'm going to record the best/funniest/most annoying things in this entry just to get it all out of my system!

Hm, I wonder if I can properly get these stories across in a written format instead of verbally. Here goes nothing!

1. Douchebag McGee (excuse the language, but really there's no other proper adjective for this guy). D.M. is in my ward. He's definitely Texan (most people I've met from here aren't) and I was prepared to like him at first, mostly just because I want a friend with a thick Texan accent. My first encounter with this guy was at a Church sporting event. People were playing indoor soccer, and he arrived late. He took a minute to observe the game and then yelled, "Ya'll are playin' like a BUNCH OF VAGINERS!" Abrasive? Sure, but I appreciated the humor of it too. The next time I saw him was across the chapel at church. We made brief eye contact and I smiled. He smiled back, I think. It's hard to trust this memory of him after all the lame things he's done since.

My third encounter with D.M. is the best, and has set the tone for our relationship since. I arrived at church late last month and rushed to the first seat I spotted at the end of a pew. I sat and then looked to my left and noticed D.M. was sitting 2 or 3 feet away from me. After a minute or so, he sneezed loudly. The guys behind him said bless you, and then he turned and LOUDLY whispered, "Thanks. I'm allergic to girls, and THAT one (pointing rudely at me), had the nerve to sit next to me!" Wow, thank you random vagina man! He shuffled around for a little while and then stood up and told me that I made him sneeze and he had to go. He left to go sit across the chapel. I was obviously self conscious after that, and scrubbed my wrists after the meeting thoroughly, because maybe he's allergic to perfume? But geez louise, first of all there was room for him to just quietly scoot over a few feet and second of all, HOW RUDE! (Sidenote: I tend to be sensitive to perfumes too, so when I wear them, I spray VERY sparingly. Maybe he's really allergic, but I just want to clarify that I never spray myself more than twice, from a distance.)

The next night was FHE, held in a ward member's home. I entered the house and as I was scanning the room, D.M. made eye contact with me and told me that I had better not be thinking about sitting next to him on the loveseat, because it was forbidden. Seriously. Then later that night, he wouldn't move out of the doorway when I needed to leave and when I lightly brushed his foot, he stopped me and stuck out his other foot and loudly invited me to "stomp on it too." I was seething, but decided he wasn't worth a response and just left so as not to make a scene.

I've avoided him since then until tonight. Tonight's FHE was at the church, and I once again arrived at the meeting late and rushed to sit down. I quickly heard a rude "Hey! HEY!" from behind me, and my blood pressure immediately began to rise as I turned around to see what Mr. Douchebag himself wanted this time. "I hope you know that you sat RIGHT in front of me, so now I'm not going to be able to see anything!"

I stared at him for one beat, and then sweetly said, "Oh no, I did?" I then changed my tone to uber-bisnitch and continued, "THEN SCOOT OVER!" I turned around and then proceeded to obnoxiously flip my hair around and constantly shift in my seat for the next 15 minutes. Hopefully he now realizes that I may look like a timid, chubby nerd, but I am actually a badass who is smarter AND wittier than him, and fingers crossed he'll leave me alone from now on. If not, I'm prepared to match him rudeness for rudeness.

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2. Texas humor is different than Jessica humor. Exhibit A: There's a girl at church whose initials are T.R.D. A group of kids was discussing this and a British guy commented, "Well that's a crap name." I immediately yelled out, "LITERALLY!" haha, get it? T.R.D. = turd = crap = literally a crap name. If you didn't get it, you should move to Houston, because no one else here got it either. I was forced to laugh at my own joke. Alone. What a waste of a funny.

Exhibit B My FHE group (sorry if you're not familiar with this term...I'm too lazy to explain it. Just know that it's a Mormon thing.) Anyways, my FHE group passed around a list tonight to nominate a formal name for the group. Each Sunday, the Bishop announces where and when the group will meet over the pulpit, and he will be using the name we selected from now on in his announcements. Once the list of possible names reached me, it contained suggestions like, "Kick Awesome Group," and "The Chuck Norris Group." Obvious attempts at humor, but really? Pfsh...amateurs. I immediately wrote down, "The Brother of Jared's SEAWARD Saints" (Emphasis added.)

This name was ingenius for a couple of different reasons. It was brilliantly subtle. The brother of Jared is a guy in our scriptures who led a bunch of people across the sea in little boats (like Noah, but on a smaller scale), so adding his name was good camoflauge for the naughty part of the title. Also, I thought the alliteration was a nice touch. The FUNNY part about the name is that Seaward SOUNDS just like "C-Word", which hopefully we all know is a very rude term used to describe girls. Admittedly I stole this joke from an episode of Arrested Development, but still, I think it was pretty great that I was able to use it in a church context. How awesome would it be to hear your ecclesiastical leader say "C-word Saints" into a microphone at church every week??

Ok, so the whole point of my hilarious title was to be subtle enough that not everyone would get it (such as the bishop, otherwise he would never approve). But I never thought that it would be SO subtle that NO ONE would get it. The group that was voting unanimously voiced their opinions that my name was super lame, and that they didn't want to be like the Brother of Jared anyways. (so. NOT. the. point. of. my. suggestion!) The joke flew right over their heads, and I didn't have one person who I could laugh with about how great my little plot could be. I was forced to text my innapropriate friend in Utah so that SOMEONE would validate that I am brilliantly funny, since no one in Texas understands. sigh.

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Wow, this Texas tangent is long. And there's still a lot more to go. Ok I'll take a break, and I commit to writing out a Part Two tomorrow. Goodbye for now, ya'll!

I'm Baaaaack!

Ok, it's time to start writing again. Maybe. I can't actually promise I'll be consistent, but I have some things I just have to say so here's at least one entry for now...

1. I have a deep, dark secret I need to get off of my chest. Lean in so I don't have to say it very loudly...(and if you tell anyone and they ask me about it later, I'll deny it without batting an eye) I have an ldssingles.com account that I pay to renew each month. I don't pay to keep the account because it has resulted in me actually talking to anyone. Basically I keep it for entertainment because it reminds me of my favorite boardgame in the entire universe,



REAL PEOPLE!!!

This game is from 1991 and consists of hundreds of cards. The front of the cards have pictures of people of all sizes, genders, races and ages. Since the pictures were all taken in the late '80s and early '90s and they seriously are of just regular, real people from the streets of random cities, you can only imagine how hilarious they are. The backs of the cards have answers to interview questions the people were given. Childhood nickname, secret fantasy, etc. etc. My roommate in Utah resurrected this game from the Goodwill pile at our apartment complex, and we abandoned the rules of the game and instead spent night after night with our other roommates and guy friends choosing the awesomest cards in the bunch to show each other and laugh about.

So yeah, ldssingles is totally like that game. I've found myself addicted to scrolling through all the pages of pictures and profiles that are on that website. There are lots of normal, everyday people on there and since I'm totally voyeuristic I get some entertainment out of looking at those, but holy crap there are also a TON of crazy people on that website. I've been laughing and laughing at some of the pictures and crazy things that people have put on there. And I wonder what conclusions people who look at my profile come to about me.

2. I've now upped my "number" to 3. Well, 2 1/2 really. His name was Jon, and it was quite the soap opera. But that's a story for another day. I just wanted to say that having a fling was totally fun, and I don't think I'm sorry it happened, but now that it's over (my choice, well his too I guess, but really mine) I'm left more lonely and wanting than I was before. Maybe not dating for years and years isn't so bad, since after a while you just get used to being single. But you can't find someone significant without going through some insigificant people first, and those insignificant people just make your need to find the significant one even greater. I think I'm rambling, but oh well. I'm out of practice with the whole blog thing. (P.S. the number I'm referring to is kissing partners, so get your mind out of the gutters people!) (P.P.S. I know, I know - 26 years old and only 2 1/2 people I've kissed. Pathetic. Oh well, lol)

3. I'm no longer in the mansion. I like the new place muchly, but I miss Jessie. I'm also feeling a little restless with my life. I'm contemplating moving again, especially since my parents and 2 sisters are abandoning me for Houston in a few months so my ties to Vancouver will become limited. Right now I'm most tempted to move to North Carolina a. because my favorite cousin and his wife who is just one of my favorite people period live there and I want to be near them and b. because the wife promises that I'll be able to find lots of dating opportunities. Which I am not ashamed to admit I'm looking for.

4. Wow, I didn't know this whole entry would turn into a "All roads lead to Rome" type of post. Except here it's "All Roads Lead to Jessica Being Single and Not Liking It Much".
Hm, what else can I write? Oh, I know! I don't want to write it all out again, but for your viewing pleasure, I'm going to copy and paste a google chat convo I had with my good friend Robbie describing the most bizarre experience I've ever had in a work setting. It has NOTHING to do with me being single, so it's a good way to end this post. Enjoy!

me: oh, i have a story for you if you're interested
i really should post it on my blog, but i think i've retired

Robbie: oh no
well yeah i want to hear the story for sure

me: now?

Robbie: yes

me: ok so...
Last week at work was SUPER stressful and I was in a bad mood pretty much all day everyday. I was snapping at rude coworkers and not being as friendly/talkative with patients as usual, and just in general hated everyday. So on Friday afternoon, my manager called me into her office. She had me close the door and sit down and then said she'd noticed I hadn't been my usual self that week. I immediately agreed with her and began to explain why. But she interrupted me.

To ask if I was about to start menstruating.

I told her I didn't think so. So then she asked if my depression was acting up (I made the mistake of telling her I had depression once and I'll never live that one down)

Robbie: haha she sounds very impertinent

me: I assured her that my pissiness did not extend beyond work hours and that I'd actually been very happy in my personal life.

me: Oh, you have no idea. Side note, she's told my coworkers they a. need to lose 100 lbs b. are unfit to be mothers and c. should hurry up and get married and lie about the due date so no one judges them...yeah.

Robbie: i like her

me: Anyways, I started to list all the (totally valid) reasons why work was stressful that week and yet again I was interrupted. This time she leaned forward, put her hand on the desk and looked earnestly into my eyes, and then said,

"Jessica, this is between you and me and I'm only saying it because you are a fellow Latter Day Saint. Sometimes we get into a 'mood' that lasts days or even weeks. We start to wonder what's wrong with us, and blame ourselves. But Jessica, I want to assure you of something -

Robbie: haha i can't wait for this

me: Satan is very real, and there are REAL evil spirits roaming this earth, and they will choose people to attach themselves to. I fear that this is happening in your case. I want you to know that you absolutely have the right to go to the temple and pray, and command these spirits to leave you. And they will. There is nothing wrong with YOU. We just are too quick to dismiss when this happens as a bad mood or a flaw on our part. But this is NOT from a father in heaven who loves you. It is evil spirits who have attached themselves to you."

Robbie: hahahaha

me: Yeah, so apparently i'm totally possessed, but only at work

Robbie: that is so much better than i expected. oh of course that happened

me: ROBBIE
holy crap
she was DEAD serious
and then she repeated a version of that speech 2 more times
and kept telling me to go to the temple

Robbie: haha. i like that she repeated it

me: finally i was just like, "wow, thank you. You've really given me a lot to think about."

Robbie: hahaha
haha
ha
oh man
so great

me: =) I thought you'd like that one. I haven't been to the temple yet, but now at least i know it's an option for my possessed self.

Robbie: haha. you probably should

me: yeah, for more reasons than that
haha
so bizarre

Robbie: haha yeah. i love that so much. This lady is comic gold

me: you have NO idea
you would DIE if you saw her
she's 65 and wears a pants suit and high pointy heels everyday
her make up is absolutely CAKED on
but the BEST part about her is that she wears her bangs in a huge bouffant style and has a PONYTAIL WIG that attaches to the top of her real hair and then drapes down the side of her face and ends just above her stomach


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Oh dear, I really shouldn't post that story on here. I'm crossing my fingers that no one who shouldn't reads it. But it's too bizarre and hilarious NOT to post. Oh well, if I get fired then I'll really be free to move across the country, right? Right!!

Life Update

Well I'm sorry about that last (apparently totally unacceptable) post. Haha. I know I'm a huge blog-slacker on BOTH of my blogs, but it's hard to feel like you have any good material when you don't have husbands or cute kids to talk about all the time. Here's an update on the life of a single, female, 25 year old student...

The "Boy" I talked about in my "I suck at accepting compliments" post disappeared. Well, not by his choice. He tried to call me and text me once more after the whole Hey Beautiful fiasco, but I just never responded. I maybe, might have not responded because his voice was high pitched and weird sounding. I know, I'm totally judgmental and rude but hey, that's my prerogative!

I am now attending what was supposed to be my last semester of college but I absolutely hated one of my classes so I dropped it. That means I'll still have 6 weeks after this semester, but it's just one class so I'm not too worried about it. Honestly the idea of not being in school anymore freaks me out a little which I was not expecting. But with graduation comes real adulthood, and student loan debt! I'm not even really sure if I'll be able to find a good job but I'll figure it all out I guess.

I'm still living in the mansion and watching Jessie. I'm also still T.A.'ing and working at the Physical Therapy Office. Now I watch my friends' 4 month old every Friday too. And I'm the choir director in church. The truth is that all of these things are VERY, VERY part time, but I secretly really love listing them all off, preferably without taking a breath, because it makes people think I'm some sort of super-woman who can take the whole world on successfully. Really though, I'm still the same old, lazy, slacker-ish Jess I've always been. I'm just better at disguising it now.

I have officially begun attending the single's ward again. Surprisingly it's been much better this time around. Going to a counselor MUST have been at least a little helpful, because I find that I'm not nearly as socially anxious as I used to be. I've been able to talk to several new people comfortably. One guy even asked for my number, and he wasn't even mentally retarded! I've eye-balled a couple of boys who seem cute and normal so maybe I'll try being bold and manipulate one or more of them into asking me out on dates. I fully realize that it's stupid and lame to mention the single's ward and then dating prospects in the same paragraph, but I'm not gonna lie, meeting boys is the only reason I switched. I'm now officially One of Those Mormon Girls on the hunt for a man...a walking cliche. But whatev.

Speaking of boys, I am madly in love with one. It's the feet guy from the last post. He's been causing all sorts of drama in my life for the last few months without meaning to. He is one of my best friends, sometimes THE best friend. He's good and smart and fun and even good-looking. So what's the problem? There's only two:

One. He's not Mormon. Don't judge me, it's not a problem for me...it's a problem for him. He knows lots of us silly LDS people, and he's aware of the whole "if you don't get married in the temple, you're only married 'til death do you part" belief we have, and since he has no intention of becoming Mormon himself he would never even think of trying to date me because he's so noble and crap. Gag.

Two. I have, yet again, firmly entrenched myself in "friend mode" with the kid. (I totally suffer from Buddy-itis, and have for many years. If any of you find a pill to cure it, send it my way please.) He's not attracted to me one iota as far as I can tell. And ok, I realize that I'm far from a perfect 10 on the looks scale, but I think I'm cute enough for him. Maybe. Besides that though, I'm everything he's ever wanted in a girl. I know it because, as one of his best friends, it's been my pleasure to listen to him discuss everything he's looking for in a future love interest. But for some reason, he just only sees me as his friend. One of his closest, and probably THE best girl friend, but that's all. I tried to have "the talk" with him last weekend and worked myself up to just flat out tell him how I feel. It didn't really work out the way I planned though. I at LEAST said enough stuff that hinted at my true feelings that he'd have to be a COMPLETE MORON not to know what's been going on with me, but he's still pretending that he has no idea why I've been acting all crazy and jealous and yes, even a little clingy, lately. So I guess I just have to re-train my brain and heart to be content with our friendship (which I'm TOTALLY grateful for) because I guess it's never going to be anything more.

Boo, that was depressing. I'll end on a better note that's related to loving that boy. So, if you read my Story blog, you'll know that I haven't had the best luck at trying to woo boys using food. But my friend was having a really bad day right before Christmas, so I decided to anonymously take him some delicious cookies. Of COURSE he would figure out that they were from me and it would carve out a little space in his heart for me, right? Wrong.

First I made the cookies. They were peanut-butter cookies with Hershey's kisses stuck on top when they came out of the oven. I used a recipe I hadn't ever tried before and I'm not gonna lie, the cookies were not as delicious as I had hoped for. But I figured he wouldn't be picky (plus I was too lazy to mix up another batch of dough) so I decided to forge ahead with the plan anyway. I took my sister with me to his house and made her place a plateful of cookies on his doorstep. They were covered in foil, and I had written "Merry Christmas" on the foil. We drove away, me with a big smile on my face thinking how happy it made me to perform anonymous service. Even if he didn't figure out it was me who had done it, the warm fuzzy feeling would be enough reward for me!

Several hours later, I got a text message from him about, well I don't remember what about but it didn't involve cookies. We started talking via text and eventually he wrote, "Hey, did you leave some cookies on my doorstep earlier today?" YES! My plan was working! I replied, "Well, I might have done that, yes." I sent the message and giddily waited for his text message which would be full of gratitude for the cookies, but even more for my kind heart and maybe then he'd tell me that this gesture made him realize his True Feelings for me and that he was coming over right away with some flowers and love poems I had inspired.

"Oh, well stuff left on our doorstep without a name on it makes my mom really nervous." is what appeared on the screen of my phone instead.

"Oh, so you haven't eaten any of them?"

"Nope, but I'll go ahead and have one now."

"Uh, I'm sorry. Yeah, they're from me. Make sure that your mom and brother get some too. I'm so sorry I didn't put my name on them but I promise they're safe to eat."

Now I was just embarrassed. The cookies weren't even that good in the first place, and now they were all stale because his mom thought some weirdo had left poisoned treats on her doorstep.

"Um, are these peanut butter cookies?"

"Yeah they are."

"Oh, well my brother is allergic to peanuts. But thanks."

STRIKE THREE. I may have well left poisoned cookies on his doorstep, since eating just one would have swelled his brother's throat shut and killed him. That probably wouldn't have helped my chances of marrying my friend at all.

Ay ay ay. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I'm totally screwed because I'm racking up a TERRIBLE track record with attempts to make sweet treats for boys I'm interested in.

Ha, I think I'm really funny. All right, I'll end here. I'll try to update this thing more often but I'm not making any promises. You all haven't been writing as much as you used to either though, so don't get too snippity with me (a-hem, Jeanette!) lol. Good night!

It's a Sign

How do I know it's true love? We sit with our feet in the same weird position without even realizing it!