Monday, September 11, 2006


I recently turned 23 and woke up the morning of my birthday feeling a little down. It seems to me that I am WAY behind where I should be at this point in my life, and I had a few "woe is me, I am a failure" moments. Luckily in Church the next day I had the epiphany that I have inherent worth because I am a daughter of God. Which sounds cheesy when typed out like that, but it really did make me feel better.

I've decided that 23 is going to be a good year. I am going to get good grades and have proof on paper that I am a smart, capable student. I am going to keep going to the gym on a regular basis and by doing so lose weight and have some confidence again. I really hate feeling like I don't look people in the eye anymore because I am ashamed and sure that they only see a fat girl, which is probably true. But I can do something about it, so I will. I am going to get a job, even if it's a crappy job that only pays $8 an hour and use my money wisely and pay off old debts. I am going to keep reading my scriptures everyday, or close to it. I've discovered that I actually like reading them if I do it during the day instead of trying to stuff it in right before I go to sleep. I want to smile more and complain less and stop "seeking out the storms and more fully enjoy the sunlight."

Here are some things that I do have concerns or questions about. I'm just going to throw them out there and try not to dwell on them anymore after this. I don't like saying my prayers. Personal or publicly. I've tried saying them morning and night, out loud or just in my head, I've tried "listening" afterwards but I just never feel like they're going anywhere. I wish I could hire someone else to say them for me. Like I would make a list for this person everyday of things I need, questions I have and things I am grateful for and then they could talk to God for me. And I could give written consent so that God can give them revelation for me and they can just pass it on to me.

Another concern that I have is that sometimes I am really awkward. I don't like small talk. And I have some friends that I have never gotten past the small talk stage with. And one of those friends is a boy here who I was determined to form a close friendship with, so I attempt to barrel through the small talk and in doing so say all kinds of embarrassing things and give out details that he just doesn't need to hear. Ok, to be fair I tend to barf out too many details with all of my friends, but it's different and worse in this me. Anyways, despite my efforts to get closer to him (or maybe because of them?) I just feel lamer and more uncomfortable around him all the time. On Friday, he called to say he was coming over and my parents decided to leave on a date. I've kept hanging out with him up to this point mostly because my parents are always home when we hang out so they can occupy him most of the time and I can keep lame conversations to a minimum. So they weren't going to be around to buffer and I got more and more nervous until I couldn't take it anymore and started BALLING. My parents left on their date late so they could be with me to greet my friend and ease me into being alone with him.

I've known this kid since high school. He's very sweet and normal and I should be able to get over myself and be good friends with him. I don't "like" him, so that's not the problem. No, I am just awkward to the point that now I'm utterly pathetic and cry at the thought of having to be alone with him. It's so lame and sad that it's funny and I feel ashamed of myself, but can't help laughing as well as I write this.

I really do miss my friends. The ones that I never had to go through a "small talk" stage with. I haven't met anyone like that in a very long time and it makes me sad.

One last question, yesterday in Sunday School, the lesson was on Hosea (which to me is worse than Revelations and Isaiah so I got almost nothing from the lesson.) The one thing I did understand is that there are simile's and there are metephors in this book of the Old Testament. But I do not know how to spell either "simile" or "metephor" so that is my first question. My second question is what the heck is the difference between the two? Because my class and my teacher said there was a difference, but the examples of both seemed the same to me. It was as I was pondering these questions that I decided to add something to my "List" that I made in Young Women of qualities required in my future husband. He must be able to answer my random questions. Or at least give off an air of being smart enough to answer most of them. It's very important to me, more important than looks or the ability to fix a car.

Well, have a good day. That is for anyone who reads this post, and if no one does...then it's for me. =)

Colors pg. 24

My skin is kind of sort of brownish
Pinkish yellowish white.
My eyes are greyish blueish green.
But I'm told they look orange in the night.
My hair is reddish blondish brown,
But it's silver when it's wet.
And all the colors I am inside
Have not been invented yet.

--Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends--