Thursday, April 15, 2010

Random Fun

I don't want to forget this, so I'm writing it down here... Brittney is going to audition for her Middle School talent show, so she's been practicing a karaoke version of Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly." She did a demonstration for us sisters the other day, and then of course we ALL wanted to try singing some karaoke. Skylar went first, and she decided to show Brittney how it's done on Bubbly. It was going well until she realized she didn't really know the lyrics and had to improvise. Her best line?

"You give me sillies in my tingly place!"

Yes, she did. And yes, I will make sure to use that line in her wedding toast somehow.

My last posts have been heavy on the words (what do you expect from a blog titled Word Vomit?), so here's some recent pics of my adorable niece, Kyleigh, for you to enjoy:

Look at those cheeks! Is it any wonder I kiss them 1,000 times a day??

Sometimes we torture Ky-bug to amuse ourselves, but she still loves us anyway. Mostly because we bribe her with food and drinks she shouldn't have - see video below: (p.s. we learned this behavior from our dad)

Note: The weird panting sound you hear at the end of the video is us trying to get Kyleigh to do her latest "thing", where she scrunches up her face and smiles really big, then pants while she cheeses it up for us. We love it, but couldn't get her to do it on film.

Such a big girl! I love my Buggy-Baby!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Another Texas Tale

I bet you think I broke my commitment, don't you? Well, I didn't. I spent over 2 hours writing potential blog posts the other night, but in the end they all came across as really rude or boring. So I hit delete and went to bed. There's a story I want to write out about one girl in particular here in TX, but when I try to describe her I just can't get it right. I think I was trying to give way too much info and background, so I'm going to try it again but keep it short and simple* this time, and hopefully not come across as too rude or judgemental. (*Disclaimer: Jessica + short-n-simple is usually an oxymoron, so just know I mean relatively short and simple)

Girl: 5'2 or 5'3ish, very blonde, huge smile, gives off a wholesome yet silly/flirty vibe, overall the type you just want to put into your pocket when you first see her. She tends to make boys drool a little. She will be referred to as "Bambi" from here on out.

Setting: FHE (The same one as the "scoot over" and "seaward" incidents. It was a big night for me.) A lesson on charity had just been given. The floor was opened up to comments. Bambi NEVER passes up an opportunity to comment or talk at church.

Bambi's comment (as best as I can recall):

So while you were talking, I came up with a list of things in my head that I want to share with everyone. (Sidenote: This intro clued me in right away that I was about to be amazed. Continuing on.) First of all, once I went to a psychiatric ward. As a volunteer, of course! Anyway, I met this man who was admitted because he was such a negative person. He was really unhappy because his wife was going to leave him because he was SO negative and he judged everyone he came across. He was so discouraged that he couldn't change, so I gave him some advice that I think we can all use. I told that man, "When you see someone and feel the urge to judge them, just tell yourself, 'Don't judge, love! Don't. Judge. LOVE!'...

I started laughing to myself at this point and then I got the list of possible FHE group names, so I was distracted for the next 5 minutes of her comment. I tuned back in to hear this:

...and a big part of charity is forgiveness. Now I've learned a lot about forgiveness and I hope that y'all can learn from my experiences instead of having to learn the hard way yourselves. So, I was a young widow at age 20, and then I got remarried at age 22. I went to the temple and was sealed. Two hours after my sealing for time and all eternity, my husband told me he hated my guts and wished he had never married me. I think maybe he got cold feet or something. But anyway that was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but I did forgive him and now we talk all the time, like every week. And I also give him advice and set him up with girls all the time! So I was able to forgive him and...

I tuned her out again at this point, and didn't hear any of the rest of her comments and advice. I was flabbergasted as I looked around the room, expecting to see people holding back laughs, or rolling their eyes, or maybe just looking confused. But no, all I saw were people nodding their heads and smiling, as if what this girl was saying was completely normal and, gosh oh gee, she really DID know all about charity and was really a wise little pixy!

I just don't get it. Have all my years in the Pacific Northwest turned me into a stone cold meanie? Am I completely jaded, or just looking for things to criticize? No, after thinking about it a lot, I would really like to think that MY reaction was not the strange one in that room on Monday night. The only thing that I can't figure out is WHY all those people seem to think that Bambi's comments are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean, granted she is VERY nice and sweet, and I really do believe that she means well with all of her strange stories and advice. But you can think someone is nice, and heck, even like them a lot, yet be able to recognize that sometimes the things they say are just plumb crazy.

So here are my 3 possible conclusions. Maybe you all can let me know which is/are the most probable in this case:

1. Other people DID think what she was saying was really TMI and a little self-righteous, and a lot strange. However, they are all just much better actors than me, and have more self-control over their eye-rolling and jaw-dropping reflexes.

2. Texans just expect people to ramble on about really personal things in their testimonies and comments? In Texas, you aren't spiritual unless you can back it up with evidence from your life, even if the evidence isn't very convincing?

3. Beautiful people can say dumb crap as much as they want and no one cares, because they're just so pretty. (I don't know whether I'd narrow this down to Texas, I think it may be a country-wide epidemic.)

So there you have it folks. Let me know how terrible and mean and judgemental I really am. Maybe Texas will make a kinder, gentler (more boring?) Jessica out of me yet, if I spend enough time here to let it.

Monday, April 12, 2010


SO much to catch up on since last time I wrote...heartbreak, moving across the country, my wonderfully crazy family, visit to Utah, Cortney's visit to Texas, new job, the list goes on and on. Maybe I'll get to some or all of it eventually. Probably not. But tonight my mind is racing and racing with some of the crazy things that I've experienced here, and I'm wishing I had just one really irreverent friend to share my experiences and laugh with me. But since all of them live in other parts of the country, I'm going to record the best/funniest/most annoying things in this entry just to get it all out of my system!

Hm, I wonder if I can properly get these stories across in a written format instead of verbally. Here goes nothing!

1. Douchebag McGee (excuse the language, but really there's no other proper adjective for this guy). D.M. is in my ward. He's definitely Texan (most people I've met from here aren't) and I was prepared to like him at first, mostly just because I want a friend with a thick Texan accent. My first encounter with this guy was at a Church sporting event. People were playing indoor soccer, and he arrived late. He took a minute to observe the game and then yelled, "Ya'll are playin' like a BUNCH OF VAGINERS!" Abrasive? Sure, but I appreciated the humor of it too. The next time I saw him was across the chapel at church. We made brief eye contact and I smiled. He smiled back, I think. It's hard to trust this memory of him after all the lame things he's done since.

My third encounter with D.M. is the best, and has set the tone for our relationship since. I arrived at church late last month and rushed to the first seat I spotted at the end of a pew. I sat and then looked to my left and noticed D.M. was sitting 2 or 3 feet away from me. After a minute or so, he sneezed loudly. The guys behind him said bless you, and then he turned and LOUDLY whispered, "Thanks. I'm allergic to girls, and THAT one (pointing rudely at me), had the nerve to sit next to me!" Wow, thank you random vagina man! He shuffled around for a little while and then stood up and told me that I made him sneeze and he had to go. He left to go sit across the chapel. I was obviously self conscious after that, and scrubbed my wrists after the meeting thoroughly, because maybe he's allergic to perfume? But geez louise, first of all there was room for him to just quietly scoot over a few feet and second of all, HOW RUDE! (Sidenote: I tend to be sensitive to perfumes too, so when I wear them, I spray VERY sparingly. Maybe he's really allergic, but I just want to clarify that I never spray myself more than twice, from a distance.)

The next night was FHE, held in a ward member's home. I entered the house and as I was scanning the room, D.M. made eye contact with me and told me that I had better not be thinking about sitting next to him on the loveseat, because it was forbidden. Seriously. Then later that night, he wouldn't move out of the doorway when I needed to leave and when I lightly brushed his foot, he stopped me and stuck out his other foot and loudly invited me to "stomp on it too." I was seething, but decided he wasn't worth a response and just left so as not to make a scene.

I've avoided him since then until tonight. Tonight's FHE was at the church, and I once again arrived at the meeting late and rushed to sit down. I quickly heard a rude "Hey! HEY!" from behind me, and my blood pressure immediately began to rise as I turned around to see what Mr. Douchebag himself wanted this time. "I hope you know that you sat RIGHT in front of me, so now I'm not going to be able to see anything!"

I stared at him for one beat, and then sweetly said, "Oh no, I did?" I then changed my tone to uber-bisnitch and continued, "THEN SCOOT OVER!" I turned around and then proceeded to obnoxiously flip my hair around and constantly shift in my seat for the next 15 minutes. Hopefully he now realizes that I may look like a timid, chubby nerd, but I am actually a badass who is smarter AND wittier than him, and fingers crossed he'll leave me alone from now on. If not, I'm prepared to match him rudeness for rudeness.


2. Texas humor is different than Jessica humor. Exhibit A: There's a girl at church whose initials are T.R.D. A group of kids was discussing this and a British guy commented, "Well that's a crap name." I immediately yelled out, "LITERALLY!" haha, get it? T.R.D. = turd = crap = literally a crap name. If you didn't get it, you should move to Houston, because no one else here got it either. I was forced to laugh at my own joke. Alone. What a waste of a funny.

Exhibit B My FHE group (sorry if you're not familiar with this term...I'm too lazy to explain it. Just know that it's a Mormon thing.) Anyways, my FHE group passed around a list tonight to nominate a formal name for the group. Each Sunday, the Bishop announces where and when the group will meet over the pulpit, and he will be using the name we selected from now on in his announcements. Once the list of possible names reached me, it contained suggestions like, "Kick Awesome Group," and "The Chuck Norris Group." Obvious attempts at humor, but really? Pfsh...amateurs. I immediately wrote down, "The Brother of Jared's SEAWARD Saints" (Emphasis added.)

This name was ingenius for a couple of different reasons. It was brilliantly subtle. The brother of Jared is a guy in our scriptures who led a bunch of people across the sea in little boats (like Noah, but on a smaller scale), so adding his name was good camoflauge for the naughty part of the title. Also, I thought the alliteration was a nice touch. The FUNNY part about the name is that Seaward SOUNDS just like "C-Word", which hopefully we all know is a very rude term used to describe girls. Admittedly I stole this joke from an episode of Arrested Development, but still, I think it was pretty great that I was able to use it in a church context. How awesome would it be to hear your ecclesiastical leader say "C-word Saints" into a microphone at church every week??

Ok, so the whole point of my hilarious title was to be subtle enough that not everyone would get it (such as the bishop, otherwise he would never approve). But I never thought that it would be SO subtle that NO ONE would get it. The group that was voting unanimously voiced their opinions that my name was super lame, and that they didn't want to be like the Brother of Jared anyways. (so. NOT. the. point. of. my. suggestion!) The joke flew right over their heads, and I didn't have one person who I could laugh with about how great my little plot could be. I was forced to text my innapropriate friend in Utah so that SOMEONE would validate that I am brilliantly funny, since no one in Texas understands. sigh.


Wow, this Texas tangent is long. And there's still a lot more to go. Ok I'll take a break, and I commit to writing out a Part Two tomorrow. Goodbye for now, ya'll!