Sunday, October 21, 2007

Sometimes I Hate Naming Things (like blog entries)

Well I have been especially short tempered, easily annoyed and prone to tears the last week or so. I also have been losing motivation fast to attend my classes and do any schoolwork. I'm 85% sure it's directly linked to what time of the month it is, but I'll know for sure in just over a week. I really hope it's that and not the onset of another bout with depression. Sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.

I went to Tacoma last night to my favorite cousin's wedding open house. (He got married in North Carolina last week.) I like his new wife. It's always nice to see two people fall in love and get married who really "match." He reassured me that my turn would soon follow and it made me laugh that he thought celebrating his marriage would make me mourn my own lack of marriage prospects. (It didn't, by the way. Surprisingly sometimes I can think of others without thinking of myself too, haha.)

Before travelling to Tacoma yesterday, I attended my first ever Super Saturday for Relief Society. The ladies in charge even made me "teach" a class making vertical boards with wood blocks and wood letters that said "Ho Ho Ho." They were all cut out so everyone just painted the peices and glued them together. Of course mine was the worst of the bunch, but I just pretended it wasn't and bossed everyone on how to make their own anyways, haha. Is it bad that while we were making the boards I was laughing to myself because of something I heard in high school? A friend of mine back then told me about a school spirit assembly in which she and some others were ramping up the student body for that night's football game against a rival high school. One of their methods was to put on santa hats and shout "Everyday is Christmas at (insert name of rival school here). Ho ho ho." It was widely known that this particular school's student body was more permiscuous than usual, even to the point of needing a daycare IN the highschool. And since I heard that story I have never been able to think of Santa's refrain without giggling a little to myself, even at church activities.


And now it's two days later. I am tired. I wonder if I'm too selfish with my time to ever be a good mother. Brain too tired for further explanation or musing on the subject. Good night.

Friday, October 12, 2007

I be Smrt

Ok, I do NOT recommend going to this site to get your iq results because they force you to go through about a bazillion ads (the fact that I said "bazillion" really proves how smart I am...haha) but it was a stroke to my ego that I got a 124, rated as "superior." I wish I really was of superior intelligence, but alas I do things to disprove that everyday.

Get a Free IQ Test

Monday, October 08, 2007

Gnashing of Teeth

So here's another reason I think I might (may?) be crazy. Sometimes if someone isn't willing to punish me for my bad choices, I will inflict self-punishment instead. I did this last week in my psychology class. We have had to write two papers so far this semester, and I turned the first paper in late. I talked to the professor about it and she graciously gave me full points even though it states in the syllabus that we will be docked 5 points/day that a paper is late. When I was writing the second paper, I waited until the last minute to start and then got really frustrated because I couldn't find all the resources I needed and so I didn't get it finished on time. I was going to e-mail the teacher and ask her for some more guidance, but since I had turned in the first paper late without penalty I did not want her to give me full points again. Before I got the chance to contact her, she e-mailed me and said that I could turn it in late again with no penalty.

And so I just never turned it in. I finished it but didn't give it to her. I don't want to feel like I am manipulating someone in order to get special favors and so I punished myself since she wasn't willing to do it.

Today my biology professor handed back a paper I had written for that class. I thought I had done well on the paper and so I was surprised to get it back with A LOT of red ink all over it. Now, I have gotten several bad grades in the past due to laziness...I don't show up to class enough or I just don't turn in assignments, but when I do my work, I do it very well. And so that red ink caused my blood pressure to rise just a little. But then when I read the comments, my blood started to BOIL!

-side note- I am writing this in my school's computer lab while I wait for a friend, and someone in here keeps letting out the most rancid farts and it is grossing me out AND making me laugh too

Ok, back to the subject, I got docked points because my paper wasn't detailed enough. My paper wasn't detailed enough because it was limited to one page, and I had written it double-spaced (what teacher nowadays asks for single spaced??). Now, when I was writing the paper I remember getting frustrated because I kept having to edit and re-edit my information to get it down to the bare minimum so it would fit on one page. So my professor took away enough points to make my grade an 85% (I know, not awful...but I would have gotten 100% if I hadn't misunderstood the directions) and then, to add insult to injury she wrote "you need to use single space - don't use double to hide that there isn't a full page here."

I have never in my life tried to manipulate the format of my paper to hide the fact that I didn't have enough information. Like I said before, either I don't do my work at all or I do it really well. I was pissed all through class!

Mad at one teacher for punishing me unjustly and equally annoyed with another for not punishing me when it was deserved. I am a freak.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

HAHAHA, I totally spelled council wrong again, this time neglecting to add the n.

I Suspect I Might Be Crazy

This will be fun. I will list all the reasons I think I am crazy so I always have something to blog about.

Reason #1: When I was writing the title, I really struggled because I didn't know whether is was proper to write "might be crazy" or "may be crazy." I need my go-to grammar guy for that one.

Reason #2: (The reason that inspired this post) Last night, my last thought before I drifted off to sleep was that I had spelled "coucil" wrong in my post yesterday. I wasn't even thinking of ANYTHING related to that post or situation, and bam...there it was. So I edited it. For those who didn't see, I had written seminary counsel.

Reason #3: Sometimes I talk to myself in accents just because I think it's fun. Even worse, sometimes I fake cry about something traumatic that hasn't happened to me. One time I was doing that in my car at a stoplight and the people next to me gave me several concerned/baffled looks, but I still didn't stop. Oh, and also related to this one,

3a: I still sing sometimes. I do all these things with the faint thought that one day, I really will be Discovered and someone will make me a famous actress or singer, even though I am fully aware that my skills are only adequate. Haha.

That's good for now. But there are LOTS more.

I make myself laugh. =)

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


I feel paralyzed sometimes by my lack of ability to distinguish between experiences that happen just as a result of being in the (right) time and place, or because God led them to me/me to them. I am facing two situations right now that are VERY different, but I think they have a similar theme.

Background: I have never been able to recognize the voice of the Spirit giving me a direct answer. Ever. When I am in Church, I often feel a tightening in my chest and sweaty palms, and there are times when I am talking with people or listening to music or reading scriptures when I have "a-ha" moments. But these are always just general feelings, never specific guidance or direction. I have said many, many prayers over the years-- at times on my knees for over an hour. I plead to feel something right then and there...a sudden warmth/tangible heat, physical arms surrounding me, hearing a distinct voice...anything more than just an empty silence. It never happens. And so I fumble through life trying to recognize the Spirit and God's influence in my life in other ways, and often I am trying so hard that it becomes easy to label anything as God, or the Spirit.

When I applied to BYU-Provo, I did not think I could ever get in. My GPA was only a 3.23. And so when I got the acceptance letter, I assumed that God must have planned for me to go there, because why else would I have gotten that letter? As I struggled with loneliness, a broken spirit, and severe depression (to the point of becoming suicidal) over the next 2 years, I just kept telling myself I had to keep plodding along because this was where I was supposed to be. God made the admissions office accept me because I was supposed to do great things with my life there in Provo.

Long story short, five years later I have come to the solid conclusion that I would have been better off going to Idaho. Not that I didn't learn anything from my time in Provo. I think that if a person is trying to live the Gospel they can have valuable experiences, find friends and get some degree of satisfaction out of life no matter what their circumstances. But just because I wasn't expecting to get accepted to BYU-Provo did not mean that God was pushing and leading me there. Looking back, what got me in was a 30 on the ACT's and being on seminary council and holding every presidency position possible in Young Women's.

-end of background-

Ok, so the situations.
1. After teaching a lesson in Relief Society, (said lesson was pretty great, if I do say so myself) the Stake President's wife called me with a proposition. She has a 19 year old daughter who is severely handicapped and she needs someone to move into the apartment attached to their house (mansion) to help care for the daughter when she and her husband are out of town or schedules don't allow them to be around. She was impressed by me and after talking it over with her husband decided to ask me to be that person.

This means a chance to live in a beautiful mansion. With the Stake President. For free. I get to provide service on a regular basis. I get my own space. I get a little bit of extra money. Sister Stake President has told me several times now to make sure and pray about my decision, because they feel really good about it, but want me to get my own confirmation. Um, problem... I don't get answers to prayers like that, remember? So, similar to the BYU situation, I am faced with being offered an amazing opportunity that I was not expecting or looking for. I'm inclined to think (again) that this must be God's handiwork in my life and what I am meant to do right now to get the BEST experiences that I need the MOST in my life RIGHT NOW. I have prayed now several times, and over and over I feel nothing as I sit on aching knees waiting for something to tell me whether its right or wrong.

I know all the standard replies, and have had several 'conversations' with myself that go as follows:
1. But Jessica, maybe the silence is your answer. Because you don't feel a confirmation that means you should not take this opportunity.
2. Jessica, you are not feeling a "stupor" of thought, or sick to your stomach after you pray so that means your answer is yes and you should take this opportunity.
3. Jessica, you just have to make a decision based on your own best reasoning and move forward. Neither option is a bad one, so Heavenly Father isn't going to push you in one direction over another.
4. You are unworthy to receive an answer, so why are you trying so hard to feel something that you are not allowed to feel?

Number 3 has won out, and I am moving into the mansion. But oh how I wish that for once I could KNOW what God wants me to do.

Situation #1 isn't a bad one necessarily because I think that either decision will lead to good things and I am excited and flattered to have been offered the opportunity. I'm just frustrated with my lack of understanding of prayer/the Spirit/guidance/testimony.

I have a lot more at risk in situation #2. There is most definitely the possibility of making a flat out WRONG choice there. I've been given knowledge about a close friend that came without me seeking it. And once again, I find myself rationalizing that it can't be a coincidence and because I now find myself in the situation with the knowledge I have, God must want me to do something to help my friend.

But maybe it is just a coincidence and I will do more harm than good by acting on my knowledge. Am I the only one who can help and by doing nothing I am ignoring Heavenly Father's wish that I confront my friend? Is it wrong and prideful to wonder if maybe I can be a tool in God's hands or the answer to someone's prayer? Or would I just be putting my nose in where it doesn't belong and causing unnessesary pain to my friend, my friend's family and myself and in the end making the situation infinitely worse by getting involved.

I wish I knew. I wish I was capable of figuring it out with the help of the Spirit. I wish I wasn't crippled in this way. It's going to be a hard week.