Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Memory Lane

I've been so down in the dumps the last few weeks, I've forgotten what *this* feels be smiley and giggly for hours straight without it being manic. Just good old fashioned happiness. I've been going through old emails all day and can I just say that my best friend is freaking hilarious?! And she's the funniest when she isn't even really trying to be. Here's some quotes from her emails back in the day (2001-2003)

1. Anyway... lets end on a happpier note...hmm what to write... oh ok ! On my cruise one night after dinner I had drank like 7 cokes so I had to pee like nothin else. So my mom, sister and I booked it to our cabin, and of course steff and mom went to the bathroom before me so when it was finally my turn to get in the bathroom I thought for sure I was going to pee my paints (Actually I was wearing a skirt), and to make matters worse I had my tummy tucker on!. So after I pulled down skirt, took off the tucker I sat down and began to pee, but something was differnt. 1/2 of the tolet was the typical cold smooth feeling, and the other was warm and soft. So l looked down and my mom's underwear were under me and well I had peed all over them! At this point it didn't hit what had happed, so I yelled at my mom. I could not think of why the heck she would put her underwear on the tolet when she knew I had to pee. Then I thought about what I had yelled at my mom about, and told her I just peed all over her panties. Then for at least 20 mins I could not stop laughing. I drenched my moms underwear because I peed on them! It was great! My sister got a kick out of it too. and my mom just kept saying " Oh man those were my good ones..." I laughed forever.

2. Yesterday was such a great day! I had a blast with the boys. We found this HUGE hill and went down it a couple of times. well, actually the guys just went down it, I went down it 1 and 1/2 times, and I hurt my face. OK let me tell you the story......
I just got dne walking this HUGE hill, and i was out of breath, and i was a little emabrassed, but i was ok. So, I let dana and grant go before me and they were going to " catch" me at the bottum of this HUGE hill. I was sitting on top of the hill, and some girl was there with me. I turned to her and said, " man, I really don't want to fall off and do something like.. I dunno break my face." And the girl just kind of looked at me and said, " yeah i know what you mean."
Then i hopped onto my sled and away i went!!! Oh brother,,,, I spun around and went right off the edge of the hill. And landed face first in the snow! The snow was... i dunno a foot deep, and just powder so when i flipped around and landed on my face, i didn't roll or anything. I went up and then came down and stopped. And if my body could have done this it would have made a nice little fart noise when i landed. when i got my head out of the snow all i could hear was the guys laughing at me

3. i got the song " back to you" and i liked it. the other song about sex weirded me out so i put it in the trash (talking about Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer...I'd just like to point out this was BEFORE he was popular)

4. my english teacher is also a riot! But not in a homosexual way.

5. hey, I forgot to tell you something.... the other day my sister and I were play fighting, not real fighting... and she kicked me in the butt and I peed all over the place!

6. I have decided that I can't stand mice. They drive me nuts and are horrible and gross and have rabies.

And last but not least, a spiritual lesson taught in a way only my best friend could teach it...

7. I went roller bladding last sunday instead of watching General Conference and I realize that I am a sinner. And, because I sinned I think I have been cursed. On the inside of my right foot I have one hugly massive blister. This isnt' just another blister everyone gets... Jess, this thing is HUGE! Yesterday green puss was coming out of it, and I know it is going to leave a huge ol scar. And then the kids step all over my feet and I have to fight back tears. It is just horrible. SO from now on, I am not going to miss important church things like General conference.!

She doesn't know I have a blog, and I didn't give her name so hopefully she never finds out I posted these, but I don't think anyone really reads this anyways so I guess it's ok that I quoted her on the internet. My good mood spilled over from reading these to my class tonight and I had a grand old time passing a note back and forth with my friend for 3 hours. It was like high school all over again, and I loved it!

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but tonight I am grateful for my break from sadness.

Monday, December 03, 2007


Apparently I just don't like to be touched. I crave it but then hate it when it happens. I seriously am a freak. A mood-swingy, unmotivated, doesn't know what she wants or needs crazy person. For reals. I believe that because I recognize and take ownership of my craziness, it helps people around me to not hate me. Maybe I'm deluding myself though and I really do annoy my friends and family as much as I'm afraid I do.

Went to the doctor and got happy pills. Again. Apparently since this is the third time I've had to do it, now I have to stay on them indefinitely and never be weaned off, according to my doctor. And she wants me to see a counselor which is fine because I've been thinking about doing that anyway. But how does one go about finding a counselor? Especially one who won't try and make me talk about why I should hate my parents, because I don't and I don't want to.

I hate that I'm here in my life again. It leaves me tired and wondering if it's really worth it.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

mel-an-chol-y: 1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression

One of my greatest wishes is to have someone who loves me put both their arms around me and just sit with me and let me cry and cry. Probably just knowing I had someone like that would make the need for them go away. Feeling sadness so strongly that you can't breathe well or stand up straight is especially hard when you have to feel it alone.