Confidence

Where exactly does confidence come from? I wish I could find the person selling it and restock my supply. I was just writing an e-mail to an old friend from high school, and by doing so started another walk down memory lane. I used to love reading old journals and e-mails and letters and looking at my picture albums over and over again. But lately I've started to avoid doing so because I find myself sad afterwards everytime now.

To clarify, my life is pretty good right now. I am performing well in school, which hasn't happened since middle school. I love love love my family and spending time with them. My testimony isn't great, but it's moving forward again little by little so that's good. I don't love my job, but it's good enough for now and I am well liked there and my work does give me the opportunity to showcase my people skills and leadership skills. I haven't suffered from a bout of depression in a long time. I also realize that high school and the first two years of college were full of trials and difficulties. But when I read old e-mails or look at old pictures, I ineviteably walk away feeling a little empty.

I wish I could find a word to describe how I feel. Something like lonely or deflated, but not quite so depressing or all-encompassing. I'm not lonely because I have my family and I'm still in contact with some very good friends. I'm not totally deflated because I'm still able to use my skills at home and at work. But there's a chunk of "Old Me" that is missing and I want it back. I miss having an abundance of friends. I love the ones that I do have, but they are all long distance relationships. I miss being the center of attention, I miss people wanting to hear my stories, I miss friends asking for my advice or just venting to me because they trust me. I miss feeling like even though I'm not thin or beautiful, people will still like me. Actually, thinking about it, I think it just dawned on me that it is a Church social problem that I am having. People at work like me and last quarter I was able to make friends in my classes relatively easily. But those are all relationships without substance. Kids in my ward still have no idea who I am 7 months after I started attending. Even more discouraging is that my Bishopric has no idea who I am, despite my effort to meet with each of them personnally to introduce myself and let them know a little about me. No one there knows that I am smart and funny with a tendency to be loud and sometimes even a little obnoxious. I don't get asked to participate in any musical numbers or asked to give talks or lessons. Teachers don't ask my opinions in class. No one wants me to help plan activities or even cares whether I attend activities or not.

I know I sound really dumb and self absorbed. I probably also sound lazy and whiny. If I want people to really know who I am, I should put the real me out there more. I know this, but it makes me mad because I don't remember ever having to put out a lot of effort before. The real me just manifested itself and I was given opportunities to shine in Church and with my friends without having to demand them.

The ward we attend and people we know in church is such a huge part of our lives as Latter Day Saints. Typing this, I am realizing that work and school aren't enough for me because...well again I lack the right words to describe it. But I have tied a lot of my confidence in myself to relationships and opportunites I have had within the Church in the past. And now Church is no longer the stage that it used to be for me to shine.

I am giving myself a lot to think about. I am not wholly dissatisfied with church right now, because as I said before my testimony really is growing (finally, it was pretty stagnant there for a while.) It's just that I never feel fatter or uglier or less interesting than after I go to Church each Sunday, and those feelings are residual throughout the week. On the other hand, I always leave Church feeling spiritually motivated. How is it that Sundays are the best and also the very worst day of my week? How is it that I have been more motivated than ever before to work hard and be successful in school and the workplace, but I am simultaneously more discouraged and less confident than I have ever been socially and about my place in the church?

I need a shrink or something. Or just a good friend to help me analyze it all myself. And now, I also need food because I am very hungry so I guess I'll just have to stop whining and smile again for today. =)