Triggers

My friend Cortney told me about a new blog today and I just spent the last 2 hours reading it from beginning to end. I highly recommend it...just link to it from my list over there on the right side of the page ------> it's the "Cordy" one.

Now I'm being bombarded with all of these old memories of when I used to be madly in love with my good friend and how wonderful and awful it was. He's long since gotten married and we never even talk anymore, but it's kind of fun remembering how much a part of each other's lives we used to be.

Reading it also makes me motivated to keep losing weight, except it's for all the wrong reasons. I recently started Weight Watchers (for I think the 7th time), and so far I'm on week 3 which is 2 weeks longer than I've made it before. I feel like it's going to be different this time and that in 6 months from now I'll be a whole new me, but I've felt like that before. I wonder what makes the difference and how I can make it stick this time. I'm tired of feeling so unconfident just because of the way that I look. I want to lose weight to have energy and to be healthier, blah blah blah...but there's a secret (well, I guess not THAT secret, since I'm posting it now for the world to see) part of me that actually doesn't care about all that crap and is just convinced that the only thing keeping me single is 50 (or so) extra pounds and THAT is why I want to lose weight.

I don't want any comments about how I'm being irrational and unrealistic. Or pity compliments. The fact is that I've seen and heard about too many girls who go from size xl to s and then magically boys start looking in their direction all the time. And I've heard that it's more about confidence then about size, but apparently I don't know how to get the confidence without being the right size.

Once the weight comes off (if it actually does this time), then I'll see if I still have nothing even closely resembling a love life and reassess what's keeping the men away at that point.

Sorry this post sounds a little pathetic and bitter. It's just how I feel all the time, but try not to talk about it too much BECAUSE I know how it sounds and I hate the reactions I get from those I vent to. I promise, promise, promise that I am really pretty content in my life right now. I just feel like this is the final missing puzzle piece before, well I don't know what. I know that my journey is far from over, but I feel like it came to a crossroads last year at this time and I took a path that has lead me to this point and now another crossroads is approaching and I'd like to be able to take a path that continues to lead towards progress and good things.

It's nights like this that I miss having roommates to talk to. I miss those late-night talks that start silly and fun and then as the hours pass by, we all let down our guard and allow the most hidden parts of ourselves to surface just for a little while, and we know that it's safe to do so. Sometimes living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.

=)