Monday, May 17, 2010

Self Punishment

Life has been good lately. I'm meeting fun people who have good senses of humor here in Texas (it's about time!). I finally got a job. A new friend in the ward hooked me up with a great situation. The job itself has its ups and downs, but I guess all jobs do and right now I'm just so happy to be OUT OF THE HOUSE and NOT POOR! =) I've had some interesting experiences at the new place...there's definitely some "characters" there. Maybe another day I'll share some stories that I know you all love.

My baby Buggy moved away last week. It was a very tearful goodbye on my end (as I'm sure it would have been on hers if she had any idea that she wasn't going to get to see me everyday anymore, since I'm obviously her favorite person in the whole world besides her Mommy!). I'm really crossing my fingers that someday (hopefully sooner than later) I'll get to have a baby or two of my own that I don't have to move away from. It's heartbreaking to fall madly in love with these babies and kids and then not have them be a daily part of my life anymore.

Skylar is my bestie out here. If anyone had told me a few years ago that the sister 10 years younger than me would become my favorite person in the whole world, I would have gladly wagered a million dollars that they were mistaken. Good thing I didn't, because I definitely don't have the dough to pay up now. Anyway, I've resorted to lying about Skylar's age and grade (she's now "18 and graduating next week", lol) so that I can bring her along to parties and get-togethers with cool people from church. It's a win-win...I have a friend who gets my sense of humor and laughs irreverently at situations and people along with me, while she gets to stare and drool at a bunch of hot young men age 21-27ish...every 17 year old's dream! Don't worry, I'm very blunt in telling every guy we talk to that she is off limits and so far they all think that 18 is still too young for them. I'm either the coolest older sister ever, or the very very worst. =)

So yeah, life is good. I had an especially great day today. Then I came up to check Facebook. And this lame guy ("lame" is putting it VERY mildly, and kindly) that I kind of, sort of, dated last summer had posted something. And I commented on it. And then I fell into the trap of looking at pictures of him, then I dug into my archives and looked at pics and videos of times we spent together with his kids.

And now I just feel tired.

I really need to be careful about digging up those particular memories. I really need to just stop having any contact with him at all. If I was smarter or less inclined to inflict pain on myself I'd delete him as a Facebook friend altogether (again), and delete him from my phone (again) and vow never to talk to him again (again), and get rid of all those pictures and videos (again) except actually stick with it this time.

I got into a debate with a friend last week about what the ideal age for marriage is. I was adamant in my opinion that 90% of the time, any age before 24 is TOO YOUNG. He disagreed. My arguments all sounded very good at the time, about how when you're older you should be wiser, and have better life experience, and your brain is fully developed, and you know your own strengths and weaknesses better...but now I'm sitting here thinking about this stupid boy I allowed into my life last summer, who I'm STILL allowing into my life even from half a country away. I'm not 18 or 20 or even 24. I'm 26, so what's my excuse?

Maybe I'll have it figured out in my 30's? 40's? Or maybe it's not about age at all and my friend was right. Which would mean I'll keep making terrible, awful decisions about who I give my attention and emotions and esteem and maybe even my heart to, indefinitely.

I'm gonna go watch 24 now. Maybe living in Jack's world for a little while will put my own silly problems back into perspective. Or at least just distract me from them...did anyone else find it impossible to think about anything else last week when Jack GUTTED that guy to death?!

Lol, maybe it's 24's fault that I keep having crazy nightmares about cutting old women's hands off with saws. (She was a kidnapper and was trying to kill me ok?)

I need a therapist, stat. =)

1 comment:

Karin said...

Well, I'm not even close to a therapist even though one day I would like to be. So instead, I just go around giving unsolicited advice as if I know anything about life at all. I got married young (24) and luckily it was to a wonderful man like your cousin, but it could have easily been to the ridiculous amount of losers that I've dated in my past. For this, I am thankful! I too had a hard time not talking to exes after things ended until I met Brian and his jealousy forced me to delete them all from my life. Blessing in disguise.
So, I guess this isn't advice at all, but more of me relating to your issues with men.

Something I've learned since I've been married is that life doesn't get any easier... sometimes it feels harder because now you have to compromise on EVERYTHING. I do enjoy the companionship though. When you do find the man that you marry, your humor will serve you well in marriage! If you can't laugh at yourselves, you'll drown in all the tough situations like sharing money and a toilet.