Crying

I feel paralyzed sometimes by my lack of ability to distinguish between experiences that happen just as a result of being in the (right) time and place, or because God led them to me/me to them. I am facing two situations right now that are VERY different, but I think they have a similar theme.

Background: I have never been able to recognize the voice of the Spirit giving me a direct answer. Ever. When I am in Church, I often feel a tightening in my chest and sweaty palms, and there are times when I am talking with people or listening to music or reading scriptures when I have "a-ha" moments. But these are always just general feelings, never specific guidance or direction. I have said many, many prayers over the years-- at times on my knees for over an hour. I plead to feel something right then and there...a sudden warmth/tangible heat, physical arms surrounding me, hearing a distinct voice...anything more than just an empty silence. It never happens. And so I fumble through life trying to recognize the Spirit and God's influence in my life in other ways, and often I am trying so hard that it becomes easy to label anything as God, or the Spirit.

When I applied to BYU-Provo, I did not think I could ever get in. My GPA was only a 3.23. And so when I got the acceptance letter, I assumed that God must have planned for me to go there, because why else would I have gotten that letter? As I struggled with loneliness, a broken spirit, and severe depression (to the point of becoming suicidal) over the next 2 years, I just kept telling myself I had to keep plodding along because this was where I was supposed to be. God made the admissions office accept me because I was supposed to do great things with my life there in Provo.

Long story short, five years later I have come to the solid conclusion that I would have been better off going to Idaho. Not that I didn't learn anything from my time in Provo. I think that if a person is trying to live the Gospel they can have valuable experiences, find friends and get some degree of satisfaction out of life no matter what their circumstances. But just because I wasn't expecting to get accepted to BYU-Provo did not mean that God was pushing and leading me there. Looking back, what got me in was a 30 on the ACT's and being on seminary council and holding every presidency position possible in Young Women's.

-end of background-

Ok, so the situations.
1. After teaching a lesson in Relief Society, (said lesson was pretty great, if I do say so myself) the Stake President's wife called me with a proposition. She has a 19 year old daughter who is severely handicapped and she needs someone to move into the apartment attached to their house (mansion) to help care for the daughter when she and her husband are out of town or schedules don't allow them to be around. She was impressed by me and after talking it over with her husband decided to ask me to be that person.

This means a chance to live in a beautiful mansion. With the Stake President. For free. I get to provide service on a regular basis. I get my own space. I get a little bit of extra money. Sister Stake President has told me several times now to make sure and pray about my decision, because they feel really good about it, but want me to get my own confirmation. Um, problem... I don't get answers to prayers like that, remember? So, similar to the BYU situation, I am faced with being offered an amazing opportunity that I was not expecting or looking for. I'm inclined to think (again) that this must be God's handiwork in my life and what I am meant to do right now to get the BEST experiences that I need the MOST in my life RIGHT NOW. I have prayed now several times, and over and over I feel nothing as I sit on aching knees waiting for something to tell me whether its right or wrong.

I know all the standard replies, and have had several 'conversations' with myself that go as follows:
1. But Jessica, maybe the silence is your answer. Because you don't feel a confirmation that means you should not take this opportunity.
2. Jessica, you are not feeling a "stupor" of thought, or sick to your stomach after you pray so that means your answer is yes and you should take this opportunity.
3. Jessica, you just have to make a decision based on your own best reasoning and move forward. Neither option is a bad one, so Heavenly Father isn't going to push you in one direction over another.
4. You are unworthy to receive an answer, so why are you trying so hard to feel something that you are not allowed to feel?

Number 3 has won out, and I am moving into the mansion. But oh how I wish that for once I could KNOW what God wants me to do.

Situation #1 isn't a bad one necessarily because I think that either decision will lead to good things and I am excited and flattered to have been offered the opportunity. I'm just frustrated with my lack of understanding of prayer/the Spirit/guidance/testimony.

I have a lot more at risk in situation #2. There is most definitely the possibility of making a flat out WRONG choice there. I've been given knowledge about a close friend that came without me seeking it. And once again, I find myself rationalizing that it can't be a coincidence and because I now find myself in the situation with the knowledge I have, God must want me to do something to help my friend.

But maybe it is just a coincidence and I will do more harm than good by acting on my knowledge. Am I the only one who can help and by doing nothing I am ignoring Heavenly Father's wish that I confront my friend? Is it wrong and prideful to wonder if maybe I can be a tool in God's hands or the answer to someone's prayer? Or would I just be putting my nose in where it doesn't belong and causing unnessesary pain to my friend, my friend's family and myself and in the end making the situation infinitely worse by getting involved.

I wish I knew. I wish I was capable of figuring it out with the help of the Spirit. I wish I wasn't crippled in this way. It's going to be a hard week.