Thursday, September 10, 2009

I'm Baaaaack!

Ok, it's time to start writing again. Maybe. I can't actually promise I'll be consistent, but I have some things I just have to say so here's at least one entry for now...

1. I have a deep, dark secret I need to get off of my chest. Lean in so I don't have to say it very loudly...(and if you tell anyone and they ask me about it later, I'll deny it without batting an eye) I have an ldssingles.com account that I pay to renew each month. I don't pay to keep the account because it has resulted in me actually talking to anyone. Basically I keep it for entertainment because it reminds me of my favorite boardgame in the entire universe,



REAL PEOPLE!!!

This game is from 1991 and consists of hundreds of cards. The front of the cards have pictures of people of all sizes, genders, races and ages. Since the pictures were all taken in the late '80s and early '90s and they seriously are of just regular, real people from the streets of random cities, you can only imagine how hilarious they are. The backs of the cards have answers to interview questions the people were given. Childhood nickname, secret fantasy, etc. etc. My roommate in Utah resurrected this game from the Goodwill pile at our apartment complex, and we abandoned the rules of the game and instead spent night after night with our other roommates and guy friends choosing the awesomest cards in the bunch to show each other and laugh about.

So yeah, ldssingles is totally like that game. I've found myself addicted to scrolling through all the pages of pictures and profiles that are on that website. There are lots of normal, everyday people on there and since I'm totally voyeuristic I get some entertainment out of looking at those, but holy crap there are also a TON of crazy people on that website. I've been laughing and laughing at some of the pictures and crazy things that people have put on there. And I wonder what conclusions people who look at my profile come to about me.

2. I've now upped my "number" to 3. Well, 2 1/2 really. His name was Jon, and it was quite the soap opera. But that's a story for another day. I just wanted to say that having a fling was totally fun, and I don't think I'm sorry it happened, but now that it's over (my choice, well his too I guess, but really mine) I'm left more lonely and wanting than I was before. Maybe not dating for years and years isn't so bad, since after a while you just get used to being single. But you can't find someone significant without going through some insigificant people first, and those insignificant people just make your need to find the significant one even greater. I think I'm rambling, but oh well. I'm out of practice with the whole blog thing. (P.S. the number I'm referring to is kissing partners, so get your mind out of the gutters people!) (P.P.S. I know, I know - 26 years old and only 2 1/2 people I've kissed. Pathetic. Oh well, lol)

3. I'm no longer in the mansion. I like the new place muchly, but I miss Jessie. I'm also feeling a little restless with my life. I'm contemplating moving again, especially since my parents and 2 sisters are abandoning me for Houston in a few months so my ties to Vancouver will become limited. Right now I'm most tempted to move to North Carolina a. because my favorite cousin and his wife who is just one of my favorite people period live there and I want to be near them and b. because the wife promises that I'll be able to find lots of dating opportunities. Which I am not ashamed to admit I'm looking for.

4. Wow, I didn't know this whole entry would turn into a "All roads lead to Rome" type of post. Except here it's "All Roads Lead to Jessica Being Single and Not Liking It Much".
Hm, what else can I write? Oh, I know! I don't want to write it all out again, but for your viewing pleasure, I'm going to copy and paste a google chat convo I had with my good friend Robbie describing the most bizarre experience I've ever had in a work setting. It has NOTHING to do with me being single, so it's a good way to end this post. Enjoy!

me: oh, i have a story for you if you're interested
i really should post it on my blog, but i think i've retired

Robbie: oh no
well yeah i want to hear the story for sure

me: now?

Robbie: yes

me: ok so...
Last week at work was SUPER stressful and I was in a bad mood pretty much all day everyday. I was snapping at rude coworkers and not being as friendly/talkative with patients as usual, and just in general hated everyday. So on Friday afternoon, my manager called me into her office. She had me close the door and sit down and then said she'd noticed I hadn't been my usual self that week. I immediately agreed with her and began to explain why. But she interrupted me.

To ask if I was about to start menstruating.

I told her I didn't think so. So then she asked if my depression was acting up (I made the mistake of telling her I had depression once and I'll never live that one down)

Robbie: haha she sounds very impertinent

me: I assured her that my pissiness did not extend beyond work hours and that I'd actually been very happy in my personal life.

me: Oh, you have no idea. Side note, she's told my coworkers they a. need to lose 100 lbs b. are unfit to be mothers and c. should hurry up and get married and lie about the due date so no one judges them...yeah.

Robbie: i like her

me: Anyways, I started to list all the (totally valid) reasons why work was stressful that week and yet again I was interrupted. This time she leaned forward, put her hand on the desk and looked earnestly into my eyes, and then said,

"Jessica, this is between you and me and I'm only saying it because you are a fellow Latter Day Saint. Sometimes we get into a 'mood' that lasts days or even weeks. We start to wonder what's wrong with us, and blame ourselves. But Jessica, I want to assure you of something -

Robbie: haha i can't wait for this

me: Satan is very real, and there are REAL evil spirits roaming this earth, and they will choose people to attach themselves to. I fear that this is happening in your case. I want you to know that you absolutely have the right to go to the temple and pray, and command these spirits to leave you. And they will. There is nothing wrong with YOU. We just are too quick to dismiss when this happens as a bad mood or a flaw on our part. But this is NOT from a father in heaven who loves you. It is evil spirits who have attached themselves to you."

Robbie: hahahaha

me: Yeah, so apparently i'm totally possessed, but only at work

Robbie: that is so much better than i expected. oh of course that happened

me: ROBBIE
holy crap
she was DEAD serious
and then she repeated a version of that speech 2 more times
and kept telling me to go to the temple

Robbie: haha. i like that she repeated it

me: finally i was just like, "wow, thank you. You've really given me a lot to think about."

Robbie: hahaha
haha
ha
oh man
so great

me: =) I thought you'd like that one. I haven't been to the temple yet, but now at least i know it's an option for my possessed self.

Robbie: haha. you probably should

me: yeah, for more reasons than that
haha
so bizarre

Robbie: haha yeah. i love that so much. This lady is comic gold

me: you have NO idea
you would DIE if you saw her
she's 65 and wears a pants suit and high pointy heels everyday
her make up is absolutely CAKED on
but the BEST part about her is that she wears her bangs in a huge bouffant style and has a PONYTAIL WIG that attaches to the top of her real hair and then drapes down the side of her face and ends just above her stomach


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Oh dear, I really shouldn't post that story on here. I'm crossing my fingers that no one who shouldn't reads it. But it's too bizarre and hilarious NOT to post. Oh well, if I get fired then I'll really be free to move across the country, right? Right!!

3 comments:

{cody.amber.chandler} said...

YAYYY!!! So glad you're back, I'm catching up on some of your back posts and getting some much needed comic relief :) And I'm no dating expert, but if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have rushed into getting married as fast as I did and would have had more dating experiences. So in my opinion you have the upper hand because you are "older" (although 26 is not old at all!) and will have much more experience and a better idea of what you want in a husband... just something to think about. Also, I'm sorry you are possessed by demons, and you should move to Houston with your sisters so that we can hang out :)

Karin said...

I haven't checked your blog in a long time, but Nina's shows when each blog link has been updated and I saw that you posted. I'm SOO glad that I stopped by to read this hilarity! You truly have a gift. haha! Better go get those demons removed from yourself :)

Emily said...

REAL PEOPLE!!! OMMMMMG!!! That is awesome! Who found that? Me or Carri? I don't remember..but I do remember you guys were obsessed with that forever- how funny! Austin said you were talking about it on facebook, but I must have missed it- where is that conversation? Also- did you ever get my email with the stories attached? Also- that woman sounds nuts! I think that is the perfect excuse to get away from there and move here by me!! Love you!