Monday, April 12, 2010


SO much to catch up on since last time I wrote...heartbreak, moving across the country, my wonderfully crazy family, visit to Utah, Cortney's visit to Texas, new job, the list goes on and on. Maybe I'll get to some or all of it eventually. Probably not. But tonight my mind is racing and racing with some of the crazy things that I've experienced here, and I'm wishing I had just one really irreverent friend to share my experiences and laugh with me. But since all of them live in other parts of the country, I'm going to record the best/funniest/most annoying things in this entry just to get it all out of my system!

Hm, I wonder if I can properly get these stories across in a written format instead of verbally. Here goes nothing!

1. Douchebag McGee (excuse the language, but really there's no other proper adjective for this guy). D.M. is in my ward. He's definitely Texan (most people I've met from here aren't) and I was prepared to like him at first, mostly just because I want a friend with a thick Texan accent. My first encounter with this guy was at a Church sporting event. People were playing indoor soccer, and he arrived late. He took a minute to observe the game and then yelled, "Ya'll are playin' like a BUNCH OF VAGINERS!" Abrasive? Sure, but I appreciated the humor of it too. The next time I saw him was across the chapel at church. We made brief eye contact and I smiled. He smiled back, I think. It's hard to trust this memory of him after all the lame things he's done since.

My third encounter with D.M. is the best, and has set the tone for our relationship since. I arrived at church late last month and rushed to the first seat I spotted at the end of a pew. I sat and then looked to my left and noticed D.M. was sitting 2 or 3 feet away from me. After a minute or so, he sneezed loudly. The guys behind him said bless you, and then he turned and LOUDLY whispered, "Thanks. I'm allergic to girls, and THAT one (pointing rudely at me), had the nerve to sit next to me!" Wow, thank you random vagina man! He shuffled around for a little while and then stood up and told me that I made him sneeze and he had to go. He left to go sit across the chapel. I was obviously self conscious after that, and scrubbed my wrists after the meeting thoroughly, because maybe he's allergic to perfume? But geez louise, first of all there was room for him to just quietly scoot over a few feet and second of all, HOW RUDE! (Sidenote: I tend to be sensitive to perfumes too, so when I wear them, I spray VERY sparingly. Maybe he's really allergic, but I just want to clarify that I never spray myself more than twice, from a distance.)

The next night was FHE, held in a ward member's home. I entered the house and as I was scanning the room, D.M. made eye contact with me and told me that I had better not be thinking about sitting next to him on the loveseat, because it was forbidden. Seriously. Then later that night, he wouldn't move out of the doorway when I needed to leave and when I lightly brushed his foot, he stopped me and stuck out his other foot and loudly invited me to "stomp on it too." I was seething, but decided he wasn't worth a response and just left so as not to make a scene.

I've avoided him since then until tonight. Tonight's FHE was at the church, and I once again arrived at the meeting late and rushed to sit down. I quickly heard a rude "Hey! HEY!" from behind me, and my blood pressure immediately began to rise as I turned around to see what Mr. Douchebag himself wanted this time. "I hope you know that you sat RIGHT in front of me, so now I'm not going to be able to see anything!"

I stared at him for one beat, and then sweetly said, "Oh no, I did?" I then changed my tone to uber-bisnitch and continued, "THEN SCOOT OVER!" I turned around and then proceeded to obnoxiously flip my hair around and constantly shift in my seat for the next 15 minutes. Hopefully he now realizes that I may look like a timid, chubby nerd, but I am actually a badass who is smarter AND wittier than him, and fingers crossed he'll leave me alone from now on. If not, I'm prepared to match him rudeness for rudeness.


2. Texas humor is different than Jessica humor. Exhibit A: There's a girl at church whose initials are T.R.D. A group of kids was discussing this and a British guy commented, "Well that's a crap name." I immediately yelled out, "LITERALLY!" haha, get it? T.R.D. = turd = crap = literally a crap name. If you didn't get it, you should move to Houston, because no one else here got it either. I was forced to laugh at my own joke. Alone. What a waste of a funny.

Exhibit B My FHE group (sorry if you're not familiar with this term...I'm too lazy to explain it. Just know that it's a Mormon thing.) Anyways, my FHE group passed around a list tonight to nominate a formal name for the group. Each Sunday, the Bishop announces where and when the group will meet over the pulpit, and he will be using the name we selected from now on in his announcements. Once the list of possible names reached me, it contained suggestions like, "Kick Awesome Group," and "The Chuck Norris Group." Obvious attempts at humor, but really? Pfsh...amateurs. I immediately wrote down, "The Brother of Jared's SEAWARD Saints" (Emphasis added.)

This name was ingenius for a couple of different reasons. It was brilliantly subtle. The brother of Jared is a guy in our scriptures who led a bunch of people across the sea in little boats (like Noah, but on a smaller scale), so adding his name was good camoflauge for the naughty part of the title. Also, I thought the alliteration was a nice touch. The FUNNY part about the name is that Seaward SOUNDS just like "C-Word", which hopefully we all know is a very rude term used to describe girls. Admittedly I stole this joke from an episode of Arrested Development, but still, I think it was pretty great that I was able to use it in a church context. How awesome would it be to hear your ecclesiastical leader say "C-word Saints" into a microphone at church every week??

Ok, so the whole point of my hilarious title was to be subtle enough that not everyone would get it (such as the bishop, otherwise he would never approve). But I never thought that it would be SO subtle that NO ONE would get it. The group that was voting unanimously voiced their opinions that my name was super lame, and that they didn't want to be like the Brother of Jared anyways. (so. NOT. the. point. of. my. suggestion!) The joke flew right over their heads, and I didn't have one person who I could laugh with about how great my little plot could be. I was forced to text my innapropriate friend in Utah so that SOMEONE would validate that I am brilliantly funny, since no one in Texas understands. sigh.


Wow, this Texas tangent is long. And there's still a lot more to go. Ok I'll take a break, and I commit to writing out a Part Two tomorrow. Goodbye for now, ya'll!


Kizzie said...

I love your stories. And I love Arrested Development. I totally would have laughed with you!

The Brew Crew! said...

Jessica... You are AWESOME! And don't you forget it! I still can't believe how rude D.M is! I hope you come up with some great come-backs to strike him with. OH, and Aaron and I couldn't stop laughing at your "humor" :) WE love and miss you!

Jeanette said...

Hahah totally funny. And I don't get what the douche's problem is? The whole sneezing fit? Are you kidding me? He is a TRD, and you can think it of it as turd or tard. Either way, he fits the bill. Big moves like that are never easy. I mean come on, Ohio? I think I got a raw deal. We'll have to visit someday to see who has it worse!

Carmen said...

HUH-LARIOUS! and my husband keeps trying to talk me into moving there... I'd say welcome back to the world o' blogging but i don't want to jinx it. lol!

{cody.amber.chandler} said...

Seaward- HAHAHAHAHAHA!! "I'll leave when I'm good and ready"! Hahaha I love Arrested Development! I would have been busting up laughing with you Ü Okay seriously, maybe you should come to San Antonio because it sounds like there are some CRAZIES where you are! I seriously think D.M. needs a taste of his own douche-baggery, maybe I'll drive up there and attend church with you sometime, hehe Ü I feel bad for laughing at your misery, but you are an excellent storyteller and at least Texas is providing you with some priceless material Ü

Jessica said...

I'd probably find crazies wherever I went...there were lots in Vancouver too, I think I was just desensitized because I'd been there so long, plus I had amigos to laugh at all the weirdo's with me. There's lots of great things about it here, I'm just bored and need friends. =)