My personal theme and one of my goals for the last year or so is to stop being a "THEN I'll be Happy" person. I know I've mentioned it on here before somewhere. "When I start dating..." "When I get married..." "When I'm done with school..." "When I can travel..." etc. etc. I know that I'm not alone in my way of thinking. When we are looking so hard at our imaginary ideal futures, we miss so much good in our current seasons.
I went to Relief Society Enrichment last night and the topic of the night was womanhood (shocker). This theme of seasons and fully embracing each season of womanhood kept coming up and it gave me renewed inspiration to be more optimistic and appreciate the good things about my life right now.
I'm taking a class called Work and Family and it's all about the benefits and struggles of working moms. The professor is really smart and engaging, but her social views are pretty different from mine. And some things she says are REALLY opposite to general opinions about gender held by many Mormons. So it took me by surprise last night when many of the things my professor has discussed in my class came up at the Relief Society meeting. One thing in particular that was repeated almost word for word was how women are taking on too much and forgetting to take time to care for themselves. The analogy of placing your own oxygen mask on before your children in case of emergency on a plane came up both in class and at the meeting last night. I think that all women struggle with this to some degree, especially wives and mothers...finding the balance between total sacrifice and total selfishness because both extremes are unhealthy.
The epiphany I had today while I was thinking about seasons and also about finding balance was this; I am grateful for this time in my life as a young, single woman. I am really grateful that I can afford to be more selfish than most without hurting a husband or even boyfriend or children. If I were not single, I probably would not be able to really take the time to conquer my depression and really learn who I am the way that I have. For some people, having a partner is what helps them through their struggles, but in my case I think I would have been too worried about making them happy, and wallowing in feelings of inadequacy and insecurity to have made as much progress as I have.
It sounds so strange to say I'm grateful that I can be selfish, but I really am. I think it is helping me to be happy right now, and I think it is preparing me for a future when more sacrifice and less selfishness will be necessary. I'll have much more to give, I hope.
Other things about my life RIGHT NOW that I appreciate:
- being friends with my sisters for the first time, especially Skylar
- my really good relationship with my parents
- no rent
- as long as i have the money, i can leave on a roadtrip or on a plane at the drop of a hat
- going to really fun concerts
- it's So You Think You Can Dance season
- my friendships have a depth that they didn't 10 years ago...i'm especially grateful to still be really close to friends that i WAS friends with 10 years ago
- i'm not farsighted yet so i can still read with ease
- there's a LOT of really great music out right now and i appreciate it
- i can sleep 8 hours a night and if i don't it's not because of a crying baby
- i'm not yet too old to still act immaturely sometimes...sometimes it feels good to be a little immature and a lot silly
And the list goes on and on.
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4 comments:
My goodness reading your blog sometimes reminds me so much of myself. We just had an RS lesson on taking time for yourself so you don't have an emotional breakdown when you give and give and give and then have nothing for yourself. I remember when I was like you. So depressed thinking I was so cool yet no husband. It gets better. Things fall in place when they are supposed to. Just enjoy things now because sometime soon you will be tied down and not able to be selfish. Not that life isn't good now but it's different. Maybe this all make sense but just know you aren't special I've been and am where you are so ha!
What a great post! It is hard sometimes to appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow so much. I'm working on that one for myself :)
I have to agree with you that women are always looking out for others... it's in our nature to be caring and motherly. An example? We were at the lake (a few pictures on my blog). I was so worried about covering Brian and my sister with sunscreen that I missed spots on myself and got one of the worst sunburns ever in my life.
I've also been in stupid relationships where the guy didn't look out for me like I looked out for him and I ended up getting the shaft! Brian was actually the first person in my life (ever - even including my own family) that ever worried about what I wanted and what made me happy... so I married him. :)
I love how Cari-Ann is all nice and understanding...then she throws in that you're not the only one! How sweet! :)
I love reading your blog though, you always make me laugh! But only when you mean to be funny, of course! :)
Ok so the you are not special is a joke. My roommate would tell me that all the time. You are special ok. Geez!
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