I had a brief moment of sadness tonight when I let myself give into irrational fears about my future. But don't worry, it lasted but a moment and now I'm ok again. I think. No, I am. I'm just in a really weird place right now and am trying to make sense out of a life that I never imagined for myself. But I'm learning that unexpected doesn't mean bad and really am trying to have a good attitude and be as happy as possible in circumstances I never anticipated.
I need to do something to help me feel like more of an adult. I FEEL pretty mature and like I have age-appropriate levels of intelligence and stuff. But then when I describe my life to myself or others, I always revert to feeling like an 18 year old (or younger). Here's a partial list of current things about me...which of these things sound like they come from the life of an almost 25 year old?
1. Not yet finished with a bachelor's degree...been out of high school for 7 years
2. Live 2 miles from home and spend the majority of time with parents and sisters
3. Working part-time making barely more than minimum wage (I did have a salaried job earning $30,000/yr. 2 years ago, but I quit that and reverted back to student friendly work)
4. Never touched tobacco, alchohol or any substances really with a stronger punch than Dr. Pepper (according to Brian, I'm REALLY missing out here, haha). Can you be an adult without waltzing into the office each morning with your sophisticated cup-o-Joe from Starbucks? p.s. nothing makes you feel like more of a 5 year old than going out to "coffee" with friends and ordering a hot cocoa with whip cream on top, haha
5. Never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 2 weeks (and that one was Jr. year of high school!)
6. Have not travelled further east than Colorado, mostly only "travel" to Utah...LAME!
7. No significant worldly possessions such as furniture (for some reason I associate adulthood with needing a U-Haul to move, as opposed to just loading up my car and fitting everything I own in that one load)
8. No mortgage or car payments to speak of, and I only just got my first credit card last month. Also I don't balance my checkbook.
9. It's fun for me to go somewhere and have to show my ID...like to a comedy club. I get a little thrill from it because I've only had to do it 4, maybe 5 times since my 21st birthday in 2004. Mind you, I'm not participating in any activities that require me to be over 21, but it still feels cool and adultish to have to whip out that license!
10. I totally get wrapped up in MTV reality shows like The Hills. That has to be proof I'm not an adult yet, right?
What other normal, mature almost 25 year olds have lives that look like this? In my experience, it's 98% weirdo's who are over the age of 18 (16?) and have a resume similar to mine. You know -- the socially awkward, slightly stinky, and always oblivious weirdo's. So am I delusional and desperate and maybe a little conceited to be convincing myself that I'm part of that 2% who is fun and smart and not socially retarded? I just don't know. And I don't trust any of you who say that I am part of the awesome 2%, because you are my friends or my family so you have to be nice and also you think I need your encouragement (aka pity?) and I hate it when people think I'm digging for compliments when I REALLY and TRULY am not. I'm just trying to figure things out by talking and typing to get everything out of my head where I can examine it a little better. Then again, it never hurts to hear exactly why I am freaking awesome so if you genuinely feel so inclined, fire away. Haha.
Reason #14 I am crazy (I don't know what number I'm actually on so I'm just choosing at random now):
One time in church I made a comment likening sanctification to childbirth. Like literal, dripping from the creation, childbirth. I talked about babies being suddenly cut out of their mother's stomachs vs. gradually popping out the hoo-hah and how that's like each of our spiritual journeys. It made sense at the time, but I also knew it was weird and a little gross to talk about in a church setting (any setting?). But I plowed on anyways.
Haha, I totally entertain myself.
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2 comments:
Um, I'm not finished with my bachelors yet either, sweetie... I couldn't live at home anymore for various reasons and forced myself into the world of full time work... but if it worked out for me, I would have been milking the part time thing for as long as I could!
Besides, you have other great stuff going for you, you are super intelligent, a great writer, hilarious, caring and patient, you love your family and stick to your values... all of those things sound pretty great to me!
Also, there is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer! You are definitely on your way to greatness. I'm sure of it.
AND, I probably wouldn't be Mrs. Cobabe just yet, except for the fact that I told Bri that he could either give me the ring he had been promising me, or get the "heck" out of my house! Hey, it worked, didn't it??
PS, check out my friends' blog, Summer and Brian... they recently sold EVERYTHING they own to make it out in Austrailia! Yes, they are very happy with nothing at all. She blogs about it :)
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