Well I have been especially short tempered, easily annoyed and prone to tears the last week or so. I also have been losing motivation fast to attend my classes and do any schoolwork. I'm 85% sure it's directly linked to what time of the month it is, but I'll know for sure in just over a week. I really hope it's that and not the onset of another bout with depression. Sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.
I went to Tacoma last night to my favorite cousin's wedding open house. (He got married in North Carolina last week.) I like his new wife. It's always nice to see two people fall in love and get married who really "match." He reassured me that my turn would soon follow and it made me laugh that he thought celebrating his marriage would make me mourn my own lack of marriage prospects. (It didn't, by the way. Surprisingly sometimes I can think of others without thinking of myself too, haha.)
Before travelling to Tacoma yesterday, I attended my first ever Super Saturday for Relief Society. The ladies in charge even made me "teach" a class making vertical boards with wood blocks and wood letters that said "Ho Ho Ho." They were all cut out so everyone just painted the peices and glued them together. Of course mine was the worst of the bunch, but I just pretended it wasn't and bossed everyone on how to make their own anyways, haha. Is it bad that while we were making the boards I was laughing to myself because of something I heard in high school? A friend of mine back then told me about a school spirit assembly in which she and some others were ramping up the student body for that night's football game against a rival high school. One of their methods was to put on santa hats and shout "Everyday is Christmas at (insert name of rival school here). Ho ho ho." It was widely known that this particular school's student body was more permiscuous than usual, even to the point of needing a daycare IN the highschool. And since I heard that story I have never been able to think of Santa's refrain without giggling a little to myself, even at church activities.
...........................................................................
And now it's two days later. I am tired. I wonder if I'm too selfish with my time to ever be a good mother. Brain too tired for further explanation or musing on the subject. Good night.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
I be Smrt
Ok, I do NOT recommend going to this site to get your iq results because they force you to go through about a bazillion ads (the fact that I said "bazillion" really proves how smart I am...haha) but it was a stroke to my ego that I got a 124, rated as "superior." I wish I really was of superior intelligence, but alas I do things to disprove that everyday.
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Monday, October 08, 2007
Gnashing of Teeth
So here's another reason I think I might (may?) be crazy. Sometimes if someone isn't willing to punish me for my bad choices, I will inflict self-punishment instead. I did this last week in my psychology class. We have had to write two papers so far this semester, and I turned the first paper in late. I talked to the professor about it and she graciously gave me full points even though it states in the syllabus that we will be docked 5 points/day that a paper is late. When I was writing the second paper, I waited until the last minute to start and then got really frustrated because I couldn't find all the resources I needed and so I didn't get it finished on time. I was going to e-mail the teacher and ask her for some more guidance, but since I had turned in the first paper late without penalty I did not want her to give me full points again. Before I got the chance to contact her, she e-mailed me and said that I could turn it in late again with no penalty.
And so I just never turned it in. I finished it but didn't give it to her. I don't want to feel like I am manipulating someone in order to get special favors and so I punished myself since she wasn't willing to do it.
Today my biology professor handed back a paper I had written for that class. I thought I had done well on the paper and so I was surprised to get it back with A LOT of red ink all over it. Now, I have gotten several bad grades in the past due to laziness...I don't show up to class enough or I just don't turn in assignments, but when I do my work, I do it very well. And so that red ink caused my blood pressure to rise just a little. But then when I read the comments, my blood started to BOIL!
-side note- I am writing this in my school's computer lab while I wait for a friend, and someone in here keeps letting out the most rancid farts and it is grossing me out AND making me laugh too
Ok, back to the subject, I got docked points because my paper wasn't detailed enough. My paper wasn't detailed enough because it was limited to one page, and I had written it double-spaced (what teacher nowadays asks for single spaced??). Now, when I was writing the paper I remember getting frustrated because I kept having to edit and re-edit my information to get it down to the bare minimum so it would fit on one page. So my professor took away enough points to make my grade an 85% (I know, not awful...but I would have gotten 100% if I hadn't misunderstood the directions) and then, to add insult to injury she wrote "you need to use single space - don't use double to hide that there isn't a full page here."
I have never in my life tried to manipulate the format of my paper to hide the fact that I didn't have enough information. Like I said before, either I don't do my work at all or I do it really well. I was pissed all through class!
Mad at one teacher for punishing me unjustly and equally annoyed with another for not punishing me when it was deserved. I am a freak.
And so I just never turned it in. I finished it but didn't give it to her. I don't want to feel like I am manipulating someone in order to get special favors and so I punished myself since she wasn't willing to do it.
Today my biology professor handed back a paper I had written for that class. I thought I had done well on the paper and so I was surprised to get it back with A LOT of red ink all over it. Now, I have gotten several bad grades in the past due to laziness...I don't show up to class enough or I just don't turn in assignments, but when I do my work, I do it very well. And so that red ink caused my blood pressure to rise just a little. But then when I read the comments, my blood started to BOIL!
-side note- I am writing this in my school's computer lab while I wait for a friend, and someone in here keeps letting out the most rancid farts and it is grossing me out AND making me laugh too
Ok, back to the subject, I got docked points because my paper wasn't detailed enough. My paper wasn't detailed enough because it was limited to one page, and I had written it double-spaced (what teacher nowadays asks for single spaced??). Now, when I was writing the paper I remember getting frustrated because I kept having to edit and re-edit my information to get it down to the bare minimum so it would fit on one page. So my professor took away enough points to make my grade an 85% (I know, not awful...but I would have gotten 100% if I hadn't misunderstood the directions) and then, to add insult to injury she wrote "you need to use single space - don't use double to hide that there isn't a full page here."
I have never in my life tried to manipulate the format of my paper to hide the fact that I didn't have enough information. Like I said before, either I don't do my work at all or I do it really well. I was pissed all through class!
Mad at one teacher for punishing me unjustly and equally annoyed with another for not punishing me when it was deserved. I am a freak.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
I Suspect I Might Be Crazy
This will be fun. I will list all the reasons I think I am crazy so I always have something to blog about.
Reason #1: When I was writing the title, I really struggled because I didn't know whether is was proper to write "might be crazy" or "may be crazy." I need my go-to grammar guy for that one.
Reason #2: (The reason that inspired this post) Last night, my last thought before I drifted off to sleep was that I had spelled "coucil" wrong in my post yesterday. I wasn't even thinking of ANYTHING related to that post or situation, and bam...there it was. So I edited it. For those who didn't see, I had written seminary counsel.
Reason #3: Sometimes I talk to myself in accents just because I think it's fun. Even worse, sometimes I fake cry about something traumatic that hasn't happened to me. One time I was doing that in my car at a stoplight and the people next to me gave me several concerned/baffled looks, but I still didn't stop. Oh, and also related to this one,
3a: I still sing sometimes. I do all these things with the faint thought that one day, I really will be Discovered and someone will make me a famous actress or singer, even though I am fully aware that my skills are only adequate. Haha.
That's good for now. But there are LOTS more.
I make myself laugh. =)
Reason #1: When I was writing the title, I really struggled because I didn't know whether is was proper to write "might be crazy" or "may be crazy." I need my go-to grammar guy for that one.
Reason #2: (The reason that inspired this post) Last night, my last thought before I drifted off to sleep was that I had spelled "coucil" wrong in my post yesterday. I wasn't even thinking of ANYTHING related to that post or situation, and bam...there it was. So I edited it. For those who didn't see, I had written seminary counsel.
Reason #3: Sometimes I talk to myself in accents just because I think it's fun. Even worse, sometimes I fake cry about something traumatic that hasn't happened to me. One time I was doing that in my car at a stoplight and the people next to me gave me several concerned/baffled looks, but I still didn't stop. Oh, and also related to this one,
3a: I still sing sometimes. I do all these things with the faint thought that one day, I really will be Discovered and someone will make me a famous actress or singer, even though I am fully aware that my skills are only adequate. Haha.
That's good for now. But there are LOTS more.
I make myself laugh. =)
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Crying
I feel paralyzed sometimes by my lack of ability to distinguish between experiences that happen just as a result of being in the (right) time and place, or because God led them to me/me to them. I am facing two situations right now that are VERY different, but I think they have a similar theme.
Background: I have never been able to recognize the voice of the Spirit giving me a direct answer. Ever. When I am in Church, I often feel a tightening in my chest and sweaty palms, and there are times when I am talking with people or listening to music or reading scriptures when I have "a-ha" moments. But these are always just general feelings, never specific guidance or direction. I have said many, many prayers over the years-- at times on my knees for over an hour. I plead to feel something right then and there...a sudden warmth/tangible heat, physical arms surrounding me, hearing a distinct voice...anything more than just an empty silence. It never happens. And so I fumble through life trying to recognize the Spirit and God's influence in my life in other ways, and often I am trying so hard that it becomes easy to label anything as God, or the Spirit.
When I applied to BYU-Provo, I did not think I could ever get in. My GPA was only a 3.23. And so when I got the acceptance letter, I assumed that God must have planned for me to go there, because why else would I have gotten that letter? As I struggled with loneliness, a broken spirit, and severe depression (to the point of becoming suicidal) over the next 2 years, I just kept telling myself I had to keep plodding along because this was where I was supposed to be. God made the admissions office accept me because I was supposed to do great things with my life there in Provo.
Long story short, five years later I have come to the solid conclusion that I would have been better off going to Idaho. Not that I didn't learn anything from my time in Provo. I think that if a person is trying to live the Gospel they can have valuable experiences, find friends and get some degree of satisfaction out of life no matter what their circumstances. But just because I wasn't expecting to get accepted to BYU-Provo did not mean that God was pushing and leading me there. Looking back, what got me in was a 30 on the ACT's and being on seminary council and holding every presidency position possible in Young Women's.
-end of background-
Ok, so the situations.
1. After teaching a lesson in Relief Society, (said lesson was pretty great, if I do say so myself) the Stake President's wife called me with a proposition. She has a 19 year old daughter who is severely handicapped and she needs someone to move into the apartment attached to their house (mansion) to help care for the daughter when she and her husband are out of town or schedules don't allow them to be around. She was impressed by me and after talking it over with her husband decided to ask me to be that person.
This means a chance to live in a beautiful mansion. With the Stake President. For free. I get to provide service on a regular basis. I get my own space. I get a little bit of extra money. Sister Stake President has told me several times now to make sure and pray about my decision, because they feel really good about it, but want me to get my own confirmation. Um, problem... I don't get answers to prayers like that, remember? So, similar to the BYU situation, I am faced with being offered an amazing opportunity that I was not expecting or looking for. I'm inclined to think (again) that this must be God's handiwork in my life and what I am meant to do right now to get the BEST experiences that I need the MOST in my life RIGHT NOW. I have prayed now several times, and over and over I feel nothing as I sit on aching knees waiting for something to tell me whether its right or wrong.
I know all the standard replies, and have had several 'conversations' with myself that go as follows:
1. But Jessica, maybe the silence is your answer. Because you don't feel a confirmation that means you should not take this opportunity.
2. Jessica, you are not feeling a "stupor" of thought, or sick to your stomach after you pray so that means your answer is yes and you should take this opportunity.
3. Jessica, you just have to make a decision based on your own best reasoning and move forward. Neither option is a bad one, so Heavenly Father isn't going to push you in one direction over another.
4. You are unworthy to receive an answer, so why are you trying so hard to feel something that you are not allowed to feel?
Number 3 has won out, and I am moving into the mansion. But oh how I wish that for once I could KNOW what God wants me to do.
Situation #1 isn't a bad one necessarily because I think that either decision will lead to good things and I am excited and flattered to have been offered the opportunity. I'm just frustrated with my lack of understanding of prayer/the Spirit/guidance/testimony.
I have a lot more at risk in situation #2. There is most definitely the possibility of making a flat out WRONG choice there. I've been given knowledge about a close friend that came without me seeking it. And once again, I find myself rationalizing that it can't be a coincidence and because I now find myself in the situation with the knowledge I have, God must want me to do something to help my friend.
But maybe it is just a coincidence and I will do more harm than good by acting on my knowledge. Am I the only one who can help and by doing nothing I am ignoring Heavenly Father's wish that I confront my friend? Is it wrong and prideful to wonder if maybe I can be a tool in God's hands or the answer to someone's prayer? Or would I just be putting my nose in where it doesn't belong and causing unnessesary pain to my friend, my friend's family and myself and in the end making the situation infinitely worse by getting involved.
I wish I knew. I wish I was capable of figuring it out with the help of the Spirit. I wish I wasn't crippled in this way. It's going to be a hard week.
Background: I have never been able to recognize the voice of the Spirit giving me a direct answer. Ever. When I am in Church, I often feel a tightening in my chest and sweaty palms, and there are times when I am talking with people or listening to music or reading scriptures when I have "a-ha" moments. But these are always just general feelings, never specific guidance or direction. I have said many, many prayers over the years-- at times on my knees for over an hour. I plead to feel something right then and there...a sudden warmth/tangible heat, physical arms surrounding me, hearing a distinct voice...anything more than just an empty silence. It never happens. And so I fumble through life trying to recognize the Spirit and God's influence in my life in other ways, and often I am trying so hard that it becomes easy to label anything as God, or the Spirit.
When I applied to BYU-Provo, I did not think I could ever get in. My GPA was only a 3.23. And so when I got the acceptance letter, I assumed that God must have planned for me to go there, because why else would I have gotten that letter? As I struggled with loneliness, a broken spirit, and severe depression (to the point of becoming suicidal) over the next 2 years, I just kept telling myself I had to keep plodding along because this was where I was supposed to be. God made the admissions office accept me because I was supposed to do great things with my life there in Provo.
Long story short, five years later I have come to the solid conclusion that I would have been better off going to Idaho. Not that I didn't learn anything from my time in Provo. I think that if a person is trying to live the Gospel they can have valuable experiences, find friends and get some degree of satisfaction out of life no matter what their circumstances. But just because I wasn't expecting to get accepted to BYU-Provo did not mean that God was pushing and leading me there. Looking back, what got me in was a 30 on the ACT's and being on seminary council and holding every presidency position possible in Young Women's.
-end of background-
Ok, so the situations.
1. After teaching a lesson in Relief Society, (said lesson was pretty great, if I do say so myself) the Stake President's wife called me with a proposition. She has a 19 year old daughter who is severely handicapped and she needs someone to move into the apartment attached to their house (mansion) to help care for the daughter when she and her husband are out of town or schedules don't allow them to be around. She was impressed by me and after talking it over with her husband decided to ask me to be that person.
This means a chance to live in a beautiful mansion. With the Stake President. For free. I get to provide service on a regular basis. I get my own space. I get a little bit of extra money. Sister Stake President has told me several times now to make sure and pray about my decision, because they feel really good about it, but want me to get my own confirmation. Um, problem... I don't get answers to prayers like that, remember? So, similar to the BYU situation, I am faced with being offered an amazing opportunity that I was not expecting or looking for. I'm inclined to think (again) that this must be God's handiwork in my life and what I am meant to do right now to get the BEST experiences that I need the MOST in my life RIGHT NOW. I have prayed now several times, and over and over I feel nothing as I sit on aching knees waiting for something to tell me whether its right or wrong.
I know all the standard replies, and have had several 'conversations' with myself that go as follows:
1. But Jessica, maybe the silence is your answer. Because you don't feel a confirmation that means you should not take this opportunity.
2. Jessica, you are not feeling a "stupor" of thought, or sick to your stomach after you pray so that means your answer is yes and you should take this opportunity.
3. Jessica, you just have to make a decision based on your own best reasoning and move forward. Neither option is a bad one, so Heavenly Father isn't going to push you in one direction over another.
4. You are unworthy to receive an answer, so why are you trying so hard to feel something that you are not allowed to feel?
Number 3 has won out, and I am moving into the mansion. But oh how I wish that for once I could KNOW what God wants me to do.
Situation #1 isn't a bad one necessarily because I think that either decision will lead to good things and I am excited and flattered to have been offered the opportunity. I'm just frustrated with my lack of understanding of prayer/the Spirit/guidance/testimony.
I have a lot more at risk in situation #2. There is most definitely the possibility of making a flat out WRONG choice there. I've been given knowledge about a close friend that came without me seeking it. And once again, I find myself rationalizing that it can't be a coincidence and because I now find myself in the situation with the knowledge I have, God must want me to do something to help my friend.
But maybe it is just a coincidence and I will do more harm than good by acting on my knowledge. Am I the only one who can help and by doing nothing I am ignoring Heavenly Father's wish that I confront my friend? Is it wrong and prideful to wonder if maybe I can be a tool in God's hands or the answer to someone's prayer? Or would I just be putting my nose in where it doesn't belong and causing unnessesary pain to my friend, my friend's family and myself and in the end making the situation infinitely worse by getting involved.
I wish I knew. I wish I was capable of figuring it out with the help of the Spirit. I wish I wasn't crippled in this way. It's going to be a hard week.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Great News!
I'm getting married! No, I'm not, that was just a joke. But I do have news that is almost as great (to me). I discovered that Bajio has been spreading like wildfire and there is one only 40 minutes from my house! I ate there today and it made me so happy. Black beans and sweet rice...yum. But the one here doesn't have the good crunchy ice or Applebeer, so the one in the Riverwoods in Provo still holds the place dearest in my heart. Now if only I could get J-Dawgs to come here. Mmm...special sauce...good.
My life is kind of sad when things like restaurants make me so happy. Oh well, I'll just take joy in it anyway and not think about it too much, haha.
My life is kind of sad when things like restaurants make me so happy. Oh well, I'll just take joy in it anyway and not think about it too much, haha.
Friday, August 24, 2007
I Am Really Good At This
Or not. I had no idea it has been over 6 months since I last posted something. In that time, well not a whole lot has changed. My life is boring. I still work at Office Depot (pronounced in my mind as dee-pot, not depoe.) but now I get to be the cash office person and count the safe everyday and clean up the mess that the person before me left behind. I actually really like it.
I turned 24 earlier this month. I started telling people I was 24 3 or 4 months ago and so now I have a hard time remembering whether I am actually 24 or 25 now. I think this year will be a good one, but still boring. Is it bad that I am waiting for my life to really start after I finally graduate and am just existing until then? I am totally one of those "...then I'll be happy" people and I hate it. But not enough to change it apparently.
I started a new semester of school on Monday. So far I love none of my classes, but I do love that I feel motivated to do well this semester and am off to an organized, proactive start so that's something to feel happy about. One class I hate I had today. Maybe I will like it by the end of the semester, but right now it just makes me anxious because the professor is a strange, sweaty clinical psychologist who is making us spend the entire semester fixing an emotional or social flaw. Mine is social anxiety and she wants me to sit next to someone new in each of my classes for the rest of the semester and record my level of anxiety each time I do so. What's next? Actually having to make eye contact with strangers?? Something funny...a boy I babysat for 3 years is in one of my classes. Weird, but even weirder is that he is now a lot smarter than me! I'm happy and annoyed by this.
Ok, time to go home and clean so my parents don't realize how messy I let the house get in their absense this week. Maybe I'll write again soon.
I turned 24 earlier this month. I started telling people I was 24 3 or 4 months ago and so now I have a hard time remembering whether I am actually 24 or 25 now. I think this year will be a good one, but still boring. Is it bad that I am waiting for my life to really start after I finally graduate and am just existing until then? I am totally one of those "...then I'll be happy" people and I hate it. But not enough to change it apparently.
I started a new semester of school on Monday. So far I love none of my classes, but I do love that I feel motivated to do well this semester and am off to an organized, proactive start so that's something to feel happy about. One class I hate I had today. Maybe I will like it by the end of the semester, but right now it just makes me anxious because the professor is a strange, sweaty clinical psychologist who is making us spend the entire semester fixing an emotional or social flaw. Mine is social anxiety and she wants me to sit next to someone new in each of my classes for the rest of the semester and record my level of anxiety each time I do so. What's next? Actually having to make eye contact with strangers?? Something funny...a boy I babysat for 3 years is in one of my classes. Weird, but even weirder is that he is now a lot smarter than me! I'm happy and annoyed by this.
Ok, time to go home and clean so my parents don't realize how messy I let the house get in their absense this week. Maybe I'll write again soon.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
My Favorite Joke
right now is this one...
Q: What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?
A: A boobie!
Haha, I saw it on tv 3 weeks ago and it still makes me giggle.
Q: What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?
A: A boobie!
Haha, I saw it on tv 3 weeks ago and it still makes me giggle.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Confidence
Where exactly does confidence come from? I wish I could find the person selling it and restock my supply. I was just writing an e-mail to an old friend from high school, and by doing so started another walk down memory lane. I used to love reading old journals and e-mails and letters and looking at my picture albums over and over again. But lately I've started to avoid doing so because I find myself sad afterwards everytime now.
To clarify, my life is pretty good right now. I am performing well in school, which hasn't happened since middle school. I love love love my family and spending time with them. My testimony isn't great, but it's moving forward again little by little so that's good. I don't love my job, but it's good enough for now and I am well liked there and my work does give me the opportunity to showcase my people skills and leadership skills. I haven't suffered from a bout of depression in a long time. I also realize that high school and the first two years of college were full of trials and difficulties. But when I read old e-mails or look at old pictures, I ineviteably walk away feeling a little empty.
I wish I could find a word to describe how I feel. Something like lonely or deflated, but not quite so depressing or all-encompassing. I'm not lonely because I have my family and I'm still in contact with some very good friends. I'm not totally deflated because I'm still able to use my skills at home and at work. But there's a chunk of "Old Me" that is missing and I want it back. I miss having an abundance of friends. I love the ones that I do have, but they are all long distance relationships. I miss being the center of attention, I miss people wanting to hear my stories, I miss friends asking for my advice or just venting to me because they trust me. I miss feeling like even though I'm not thin or beautiful, people will still like me. Actually, thinking about it, I think it just dawned on me that it is a Church social problem that I am having. People at work like me and last quarter I was able to make friends in my classes relatively easily. But those are all relationships without substance. Kids in my ward still have no idea who I am 7 months after I started attending. Even more discouraging is that my Bishopric has no idea who I am, despite my effort to meet with each of them personnally to introduce myself and let them know a little about me. No one there knows that I am smart and funny with a tendency to be loud and sometimes even a little obnoxious. I don't get asked to participate in any musical numbers or asked to give talks or lessons. Teachers don't ask my opinions in class. No one wants me to help plan activities or even cares whether I attend activities or not.
I know I sound really dumb and self absorbed. I probably also sound lazy and whiny. If I want people to really know who I am, I should put the real me out there more. I know this, but it makes me mad because I don't remember ever having to put out a lot of effort before. The real me just manifested itself and I was given opportunities to shine in Church and with my friends without having to demand them.
The ward we attend and people we know in church is such a huge part of our lives as Latter Day Saints. Typing this, I am realizing that work and school aren't enough for me because...well again I lack the right words to describe it. But I have tied a lot of my confidence in myself to relationships and opportunites I have had within the Church in the past. And now Church is no longer the stage that it used to be for me to shine.
I am giving myself a lot to think about. I am not wholly dissatisfied with church right now, because as I said before my testimony really is growing (finally, it was pretty stagnant there for a while.) It's just that I never feel fatter or uglier or less interesting than after I go to Church each Sunday, and those feelings are residual throughout the week. On the other hand, I always leave Church feeling spiritually motivated. How is it that Sundays are the best and also the very worst day of my week? How is it that I have been more motivated than ever before to work hard and be successful in school and the workplace, but I am simultaneously more discouraged and less confident than I have ever been socially and about my place in the church?
I need a shrink or something. Or just a good friend to help me analyze it all myself. And now, I also need food because I am very hungry so I guess I'll just have to stop whining and smile again for today. =)
To clarify, my life is pretty good right now. I am performing well in school, which hasn't happened since middle school. I love love love my family and spending time with them. My testimony isn't great, but it's moving forward again little by little so that's good. I don't love my job, but it's good enough for now and I am well liked there and my work does give me the opportunity to showcase my people skills and leadership skills. I haven't suffered from a bout of depression in a long time. I also realize that high school and the first two years of college were full of trials and difficulties. But when I read old e-mails or look at old pictures, I ineviteably walk away feeling a little empty.
I wish I could find a word to describe how I feel. Something like lonely or deflated, but not quite so depressing or all-encompassing. I'm not lonely because I have my family and I'm still in contact with some very good friends. I'm not totally deflated because I'm still able to use my skills at home and at work. But there's a chunk of "Old Me" that is missing and I want it back. I miss having an abundance of friends. I love the ones that I do have, but they are all long distance relationships. I miss being the center of attention, I miss people wanting to hear my stories, I miss friends asking for my advice or just venting to me because they trust me. I miss feeling like even though I'm not thin or beautiful, people will still like me. Actually, thinking about it, I think it just dawned on me that it is a Church social problem that I am having. People at work like me and last quarter I was able to make friends in my classes relatively easily. But those are all relationships without substance. Kids in my ward still have no idea who I am 7 months after I started attending. Even more discouraging is that my Bishopric has no idea who I am, despite my effort to meet with each of them personnally to introduce myself and let them know a little about me. No one there knows that I am smart and funny with a tendency to be loud and sometimes even a little obnoxious. I don't get asked to participate in any musical numbers or asked to give talks or lessons. Teachers don't ask my opinions in class. No one wants me to help plan activities or even cares whether I attend activities or not.
I know I sound really dumb and self absorbed. I probably also sound lazy and whiny. If I want people to really know who I am, I should put the real me out there more. I know this, but it makes me mad because I don't remember ever having to put out a lot of effort before. The real me just manifested itself and I was given opportunities to shine in Church and with my friends without having to demand them.
The ward we attend and people we know in church is such a huge part of our lives as Latter Day Saints. Typing this, I am realizing that work and school aren't enough for me because...well again I lack the right words to describe it. But I have tied a lot of my confidence in myself to relationships and opportunites I have had within the Church in the past. And now Church is no longer the stage that it used to be for me to shine.
I am giving myself a lot to think about. I am not wholly dissatisfied with church right now, because as I said before my testimony really is growing (finally, it was pretty stagnant there for a while.) It's just that I never feel fatter or uglier or less interesting than after I go to Church each Sunday, and those feelings are residual throughout the week. On the other hand, I always leave Church feeling spiritually motivated. How is it that Sundays are the best and also the very worst day of my week? How is it that I have been more motivated than ever before to work hard and be successful in school and the workplace, but I am simultaneously more discouraged and less confident than I have ever been socially and about my place in the church?
I need a shrink or something. Or just a good friend to help me analyze it all myself. And now, I also need food because I am very hungry so I guess I'll just have to stop whining and smile again for today. =)
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I Can Be Kind to Animals
My dad teaches primary in the family ward here. (A great example of how there are no small callings, because my dad is amazing and could be serving anywhere in the ward, but he loves his little class!) The lesson last week was "I Can Be Kind to Animals," and it was all about how Heavenly Father created animals and how He loves them and so we should also love them and treat them with kindness. Towards the end of the lesson, the manual prompts the teacher to ask the students to share if they have pets and give examples of how they treat them with kindness. After all the predictable "I pet my dog, etc." answers, my dad called on a little girl who had her hand stretched so high in the air she looked like she was about to take off from her seat. She explained that her family used to have 3 fish. "Ah, fish huh? That's great, and how did you treat your fish?" my dad asked. She replied, "Well, the first one died the second day we got it. Then one day my mom was cleaning out the fish bowl and the second one escaped and fell down the kitchen drain. And the third one died because we forgot to feed it and so we flushed it down the toilet."
I miss teaching Primary SO much! Quirky little kids are the best and I miss my weekly dose of laughter. At least I still have a funny 10 year old sister, who used to be much more amusing but still gets us rolling once in awhile. A few weeks ago, I overheard her whining that our dog had just licked her face. My mom told her to knock it off, that dogs had the cleanest mouths of all animals and that she would be just fine. My sister paused for a moment and then replied emphatically, "But Mom! I've seen Candy lick her own Butt!" Haha! The wisdom of children...
I miss teaching Primary SO much! Quirky little kids are the best and I miss my weekly dose of laughter. At least I still have a funny 10 year old sister, who used to be much more amusing but still gets us rolling once in awhile. A few weeks ago, I overheard her whining that our dog had just licked her face. My mom told her to knock it off, that dogs had the cleanest mouths of all animals and that she would be just fine. My sister paused for a moment and then replied emphatically, "But Mom! I've seen Candy lick her own Butt!" Haha! The wisdom of children...
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Woodchucks Chucking Wood
I wish that I could be an amazing "bloggist" but I just am not. I should write more. I'll try to write more. Since my last post, I have started school and now the quarter is almost over. I am kicking major butt in my classes and am getting great grades. Unfortunately, I still have some slacker in me and my class attendance and diligence in reading all required textbooks chapters has waned considerably since the beginning of the term. But my grades haven't suffered from it, I am just not learning as much. I think I would rather be a little dumber and a harder worker than smart and lazy. I also got a job a month ago at Office Depot. It's been interesting working again, and working there in particular. I'll try and devote a whole post to it later. I'm still lacking in a social life...now I can't even get my married friends to hang out with me. But I'm busy with school and work so I don't miss having friends very much unless I make the mistake of reading old journals or e-mails from when I was in my social prime. The main problem with not having friends is that my mom is the only one I can vent to when I'm feeling a little down, but my mother is not able to take my venting in stride and I find out later from my dad that everytime I talk to her, she is unable to sleep for weeks because she is so worried about me. She thinks my life is way worse than I do. Just one more reason why I should use this forum as a place to vent instead of going to my mom. The computer doesn't internalize and blow my bad moods out of proportion. Anyways, I was just sitting here killing time so the water heater could do it's job so that I can take a warm shower before Church and I thought I'd do a quick little update here. I'll try to come back soon.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Goals:
I recently turned 23 and woke up the morning of my birthday feeling a little down. It seems to me that I am WAY behind where I should be at this point in my life, and I had a few "woe is me, I am a failure" moments. Luckily in Church the next day I had the epiphany that I have inherent worth because I am a daughter of God. Which sounds cheesy when typed out like that, but it really did make me feel better.
I've decided that 23 is going to be a good year. I am going to get good grades and have proof on paper that I am a smart, capable student. I am going to keep going to the gym on a regular basis and by doing so lose weight and have some confidence again. I really hate feeling like I don't look people in the eye anymore because I am ashamed and sure that they only see a fat girl, which is probably true. But I can do something about it, so I will. I am going to get a job, even if it's a crappy job that only pays $8 an hour and use my money wisely and pay off old debts. I am going to keep reading my scriptures everyday, or close to it. I've discovered that I actually like reading them if I do it during the day instead of trying to stuff it in right before I go to sleep. I want to smile more and complain less and stop "seeking out the storms and more fully enjoy the sunlight."
Here are some things that I do have concerns or questions about. I'm just going to throw them out there and try not to dwell on them anymore after this. I don't like saying my prayers. Personal or publicly. I've tried saying them morning and night, out loud or just in my head, I've tried "listening" afterwards but I just never feel like they're going anywhere. I wish I could hire someone else to say them for me. Like I would make a list for this person everyday of things I need, questions I have and things I am grateful for and then they could talk to God for me. And I could give written consent so that God can give them revelation for me and they can just pass it on to me.
Another concern that I have is that sometimes I am really awkward. I don't like small talk. And I have some friends that I have never gotten past the small talk stage with. And one of those friends is a boy here who I was determined to form a close friendship with, so I attempt to barrel through the small talk and in doing so say all kinds of embarrassing things and give out details that he just doesn't need to hear. Ok, to be fair I tend to barf out too many details with all of my friends, but it's different and worse in this case...trust me. Anyways, despite my efforts to get closer to him (or maybe because of them?) I just feel lamer and more uncomfortable around him all the time. On Friday, he called to say he was coming over and my parents decided to leave on a date. I've kept hanging out with him up to this point mostly because my parents are always home when we hang out so they can occupy him most of the time and I can keep lame conversations to a minimum. So they weren't going to be around to buffer and I got more and more nervous until I couldn't take it anymore and started BALLING. My parents left on their date late so they could be with me to greet my friend and ease me into being alone with him.
I've known this kid since high school. He's very sweet and normal and I should be able to get over myself and be good friends with him. I don't "like" him, so that's not the problem. No, I am just awkward to the point that now I'm utterly pathetic and cry at the thought of having to be alone with him. It's so lame and sad that it's funny and I feel ashamed of myself, but can't help laughing as well as I write this.
I really do miss my friends. The ones that I never had to go through a "small talk" stage with. I haven't met anyone like that in a very long time and it makes me sad.
One last question, yesterday in Sunday School, the lesson was on Hosea (which to me is worse than Revelations and Isaiah so I got almost nothing from the lesson.) The one thing I did understand is that there are simile's and there are metephors in this book of the Old Testament. But I do not know how to spell either "simile" or "metephor" so that is my first question. My second question is what the heck is the difference between the two? Because my class and my teacher said there was a difference, but the examples of both seemed the same to me. It was as I was pondering these questions that I decided to add something to my "List" that I made in Young Women of qualities required in my future husband. He must be able to answer my random questions. Or at least give off an air of being smart enough to answer most of them. It's very important to me, more important than looks or the ability to fix a car.
Well, have a good day. That is for anyone who reads this post, and if no one does...then it's for me. =)
I've decided that 23 is going to be a good year. I am going to get good grades and have proof on paper that I am a smart, capable student. I am going to keep going to the gym on a regular basis and by doing so lose weight and have some confidence again. I really hate feeling like I don't look people in the eye anymore because I am ashamed and sure that they only see a fat girl, which is probably true. But I can do something about it, so I will. I am going to get a job, even if it's a crappy job that only pays $8 an hour and use my money wisely and pay off old debts. I am going to keep reading my scriptures everyday, or close to it. I've discovered that I actually like reading them if I do it during the day instead of trying to stuff it in right before I go to sleep. I want to smile more and complain less and stop "seeking out the storms and more fully enjoy the sunlight."
Here are some things that I do have concerns or questions about. I'm just going to throw them out there and try not to dwell on them anymore after this. I don't like saying my prayers. Personal or publicly. I've tried saying them morning and night, out loud or just in my head, I've tried "listening" afterwards but I just never feel like they're going anywhere. I wish I could hire someone else to say them for me. Like I would make a list for this person everyday of things I need, questions I have and things I am grateful for and then they could talk to God for me. And I could give written consent so that God can give them revelation for me and they can just pass it on to me.
Another concern that I have is that sometimes I am really awkward. I don't like small talk. And I have some friends that I have never gotten past the small talk stage with. And one of those friends is a boy here who I was determined to form a close friendship with, so I attempt to barrel through the small talk and in doing so say all kinds of embarrassing things and give out details that he just doesn't need to hear. Ok, to be fair I tend to barf out too many details with all of my friends, but it's different and worse in this case...trust me. Anyways, despite my efforts to get closer to him (or maybe because of them?) I just feel lamer and more uncomfortable around him all the time. On Friday, he called to say he was coming over and my parents decided to leave on a date. I've kept hanging out with him up to this point mostly because my parents are always home when we hang out so they can occupy him most of the time and I can keep lame conversations to a minimum. So they weren't going to be around to buffer and I got more and more nervous until I couldn't take it anymore and started BALLING. My parents left on their date late so they could be with me to greet my friend and ease me into being alone with him.
I've known this kid since high school. He's very sweet and normal and I should be able to get over myself and be good friends with him. I don't "like" him, so that's not the problem. No, I am just awkward to the point that now I'm utterly pathetic and cry at the thought of having to be alone with him. It's so lame and sad that it's funny and I feel ashamed of myself, but can't help laughing as well as I write this.
I really do miss my friends. The ones that I never had to go through a "small talk" stage with. I haven't met anyone like that in a very long time and it makes me sad.
One last question, yesterday in Sunday School, the lesson was on Hosea (which to me is worse than Revelations and Isaiah so I got almost nothing from the lesson.) The one thing I did understand is that there are simile's and there are metephors in this book of the Old Testament. But I do not know how to spell either "simile" or "metephor" so that is my first question. My second question is what the heck is the difference between the two? Because my class and my teacher said there was a difference, but the examples of both seemed the same to me. It was as I was pondering these questions that I decided to add something to my "List" that I made in Young Women of qualities required in my future husband. He must be able to answer my random questions. Or at least give off an air of being smart enough to answer most of them. It's very important to me, more important than looks or the ability to fix a car.
Well, have a good day. That is for anyone who reads this post, and if no one does...then it's for me. =)
Colors pg. 24
My skin is kind of sort of brownish
Pinkish yellowish white.
My eyes are greyish blueish green.
But I'm told they look orange in the night.
My hair is reddish blondish brown,
But it's silver when it's wet.
And all the colors I am inside
Have not been invented yet.
--Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends--
Pinkish yellowish white.
My eyes are greyish blueish green.
But I'm told they look orange in the night.
My hair is reddish blondish brown,
But it's silver when it's wet.
And all the colors I am inside
Have not been invented yet.
--Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends--
Friday, April 21, 2006
Morning After Deletion
I like that you can delete old posts. I always go back and read my journals and cringe because I just am not that good of a writer. I was feeling especially overdramatic when I created this blog and wrote an embarassingly lame post. But, no harm done. I got my catharsis and then got to delete it so no one will ever read it.
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