Random

This is who I am convinced I am going to marry. No seriously, I will find him and he will be mine. Somehow, someway, someday:



So I finished my semester a couple of weeks ago and I checked my grades this week, peaking with one eye because I was bracing myself for some C-ish grades. But apparently I am either really lucky or just really bad at calculating grades on my own because I totally got 3 A's and 1 A-minus. I am super excited, but I also feel a little funny about one class in particular. The grade for that class is supposed to be based on 10 weekly assignments (I only did 8) and two 6-7 page papers (I turned in one a month late and didn't do the other one at all). Yet I somehow got an A. What the...? It was my world religion class, and I always participated in class and so I guess my teacher just pictured me as a good student in her head based on that and ignored her grade book. Is it bad that I laugh about it more than I feel guilt for it?

Reason #8 I am crazy:
I remembered last night the time when I watched a Hilary Duff movie. The whole thing. And I cried through 70% of it. I was 23 at the time.

I'm so funny, for real.

Romans 8:16-19

The last few years have been full of ups and downs testimony-wise. Actually, a few months ago I was at my lowest point; not only doubting the truth of the LDS church, but also questioning the existence of God. There have been a series of events since that time that have slowly but surely turned me back to the path that I was on before. I am back to believing in the existence of God and believing that He is aware of me and deliberately has inspired people to come into my life who can help me in my spiritual journey.

Unrelated to my quest for a testimony, I decided to take a World Religions class this semester. I just thought it would be interesting to learn more about religions and cultures that I was unfamiliar with. I didn't realize that of course I would automatically hold each set of beliefs up against those I was raised with to see how they compared. I guess you could say that the thoughts and feelings I have experienced are due to the fact that people tend to return to whatever is familiar to them, because it is comfortable. I can't really argue with that. All I know is that it has been fascinating to learn about Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Indigenous religions, Atheism, Islam and Christianity. There are elements of each that are really wonderful and attractive. Also, there are many things that don't make any sense to me. As I take a look at these other faiths and listen to speakers who practice those faiths describe their doctrines and listen to the comments and questions of my peers, I keep on feeling stronger and stronger that The Church of Jesus Christ just makes sense. Ok, I don't get all of it and I could dwell on nitpicking all of the things I don't understand and get lost in them. But instead I am choosing to focus on how exciting it is to rediscover truths that I have been taught since birth and always taken for granted.

I've never had a problem with being LDS, and have for most of my life happily accepted its part in my life. I used to be very closed off to other faiths and belief systems. A naive part of me believed that if I opened myself up too much, I would be corrupted and weakened somehow. Well, my insatiable love for meeting interesting people and learning and collecting all of their stories didn't allow me to isolate myself for long. As I came into more frequent contact with "skaters" and "goths" and other Christians and atheists and agnostics, etc etc I fell in love with many of them and tucked my own beliefs out of sight, not out of disbelief or shame, but because I wanted to make all my new friends feel comfortable enough to share everything about themselves with me. Parading my beliefs only led to abrupt ends of conversations, or to battles attempting to convert one another.

If you tuck something away for long enough, you lose it little by little. I think that's part of what happened to me. But I really truly loved being able to adapt to different situations and form genuine and lasting relationships with people so different from myself. I don't regret it. What I am discovering, in part thanks to the class I'm taking, is that I don't have to hide my beliefs to maintain valuable and diverse relationships. And really, aren't I cheating if I expect others to reveal themselves completely to me but diminish a huge part of who I am for their "benefit"?

I'm loving life again, for a lot of different reasons. I'm feeling more like my old social self...no more panic attacks at the thought of having to sit next to strangers in class or attend church functions where I don't know anyone. I am seeing an amazing counselor who is helping me dissect myself--my present and my past--and after examining the pieces, put them back together in a much more understanding and optimistic way. I made the same mistakes that I always do in school this semester, but guess what? Instead of giving in to feelings of failure and shame I squared my shoulders and held my head high and because of that I'm finishing successfully. I thought drugs and therapy would "fix" me and my definition of being fixed was to stop making mistakes, or at least to stop making the same ones over and over. Imagine my surprise as I've learned the key isn't to stop making mistakes (although that's still a worthy goal, eventually) but instead to shift my reactions to those mistakes once they've been made. It's not about what we do wrong, but whether or not we keep fighting to do right and learn and grow and pick ourselves up each time we fall down. I'm not losing because I'm fighting a lot of the same battles. I would be losing if I had given into each of those weaknesses and had moved on to deeper and darker problems with no hope of ever recovering. But instead, I'm learning to recognize that I am a winner precisely because I have picked myself up 1,569,231 times and will continue to do so. One day I will be able to take those weaknesses, one by one, and offer them up to someone better able to permanently erase them. Until I've mastered that part of the Atonement, I'll keep fighting and winning the only way I can.

I'm rediscovering the things about myself that I used to recognize and own with confidence. One of these is my natural curiosity and ability to ask questions in church and in world religion and in biology and among friends that prompt meaningful answers. I think that asking good questions is an art, and I believe it's one of my talents. I feel confident speaking in front of my peers, and believe the things I have to say have value. I haven't believed I had anything valuable to offer for a few years now, so this is huge for me. For a long time I've been going through the motions, so on the surface most people couldn't tell just how much I was hating life and myself. I'm a really good actress. My actions haven't changed a whole lot, on the surface, but now that I am falling in love with me again I can OWN my actions and my strengths and so while others may not notice, to me I am a different person. I AM, instead of TRYING TO APPEAR TO BE.

Back to the original topic, along with falling in love with me again, I am also falling in love with the testimony that I had hidden away and almost lost, as puny as it is right now. I have never been in a serious relationship, but I imagine what I am feeling now is similar to a love-struck teenager. I can't get enough of the scriptures, I get lost for hours on LDS.org, I LOVE conversations with people of other religions who enrich my faith because of our common beliefs. I hope to have this euphoric love mature into something deep and penetrating and steadfast. I still struggle with the idea of having the ability to build a personal relationship with God. I don't think I love me quite enough yet to believe He wants to listen to my silly prayers and watch my silly life. But I sure do believe He loves my friends and family, because I love them so so much and see exactly why God would too. So, as I work on loving myself more, and reaquainting myself with old beliefs about God and His Son and the Atonement, I hope that in time a personal relationship will come. I also hope I can start to figure out the tricky business of being worthy of promptings from the Holy Ghost and of recognizing them when they come.

I know I've been all over the place in this post tonight, but I can't slow my mind or heart or fingers so I've just let everything spill out the way it wanted to. I feel full of life, and that is something I've been craving for a very long time. Thank you to all of my friends and to my family who do and don't read this. For loving me when I don't love myself because in all honesty there have been dark times when without you I would not have been able to find any motivation to keep going. And for being my link to God because I can't see or hear or feel Him, but I sure can see and hear and feel you guys and I think He knows that and uses it to help me as I limp along day by day. I appreciate your patience with me and all of my silliness and depressingness and searching.

I have no good way to end this, so I guess I'll just say Good Night.

Northern California...

kicks SoCal's booty. So much.

My Life Has Worth

All too often I question the validity of that statement. Oh sure, the lives of God's children have inherent worth. Something I readily agree with on a grand scale. But my own life? Sometimes I feel like there are just too many things I do wrong and too many mistakes I keep making over and over again and as a result the worth of my life is steadily depreciating as time goes on.

Our experience here on earth (and arguably pre and post earth as well) is a series of seemingly random dots thrown on a page. I fall into the trap of looking at the dots individually and judging myself and the life I've lead thus far based on those selective observations. And then sometimes I am lucky enough to have moments where lines form to connect some of those dots and a larger picture begins to appear. Suddenly “bad” dots are no longer evidence of my failure but instead proof that I am living my life and growing everyday. Without my weaknesses and trials and mistakes, my picture would be incomplete and much less beautiful.

I went to therapy today thinking it would be a wasted $75 because I couldn’t think of anything worthwhile to talk about. When my therapist asked me what I wanted to discuss I grasped at the first straw that came to mind and blurted out that I was happy because I went to the gym yesterday. What the?? I am such a dork, but amazingly that inane comment led to a discussion where I found myself experiencing so many “a-ha’s” that I used up 4 pages of notebook paper to record them all after my session. SO MANY snippets of realizations and lessons and analyzations (yeah I know, not a word, but whatever) that I have accumulated over the last 5 years were organized into a beautiful mirror that I could look into and see myself more clearly reflected. The hour was worth every penny and then some.

On an unrelated note (except it falls into the category of things that make me incredibly happy), as I was leaving class last Thursday I was hit by a wave of the most BEAUTIFUL smell. I looked around trying to find the source of the scent but could only see bushes with no flowers. The smell was so amazing that I text messaged my friend who attends the same campus and gave him specific directions about where to go to experience this gift to the nostrils.

I’ve always had a significant appreciation for the beauty found on this earth (my favorite hymn is “My Heavenly Father Loves Me). I’ve seen sunsets that take my breath away and I’ve been up until almost dawn in the canyons of Provo gazing up at the clear night sky and all the stars in it. There are few things better in life than spinning and dancing with arms outstretched in a downpour of rain. And the list goes on. In all my 24+ years, none of those things have given me such intense and lasting pleasure as the smell outside my classroom on Thursday.

Coincidently, I was watching my two girls on Saturday while Mister and Sister Stake President went on a date and when they came home, Mister S.P. handed me a small cluster of beautiful and velvety four-pedaled white flowers with tinges of lavender that he had plucked off of a bush outside the restaurant they ate at. As I brought the cluster closer to my face for examination, THE scent hit me. It turns out these amazing little flowers that smell of sweetness and childhood and roses and citrus are called Daphne Odorus.



I went back to the spot at school where they first came into my life and found clusters of them by the hundreds. I’m sure some of my peers at school today had quite a laugh as they watched me pull flowers out of my purse and drink in their scent over and over again. (Reason number 7 I’m crazy?)

Well this is all very dramatic (I’m nothing if not a drama-queen) but I think that whenever I see and smell these flowers, they will remind me of today and of all the wonderful things I learned about myself and my life and my Heavenly Father. And I am grateful.

Long Overdue

Ok, I went to SoCal over a month ago but I was cleaning my apartment this morning and found a notebook where Bostody and I had categorized and ranked all of our favorite people/weirdos that we met...mostly in LA, but some in Bakersfield as well. I'd like to write about what made each one so funny/awesome/creepy before I forget altogether so, here goes. (I SO wish we had taken pictures, but we only took pictures of one.)

Honorable Mentions (Memorable, but not quite awesome or creepy enough for the other lists):

4. The Motel 6 Crew
Ok, this should be more than one entry but whatever. First there was Susannah. She was a very "butch" lady and I thought it was funny that her name was so feminine. She is one of 2 people in our lists that we remember by her real name. She was the front desk girl who was checked us in and then was there everyday to answer our ridiculous questions. She was always nice even when I could tell we were really annoying her. Her one flaw is that she was a big fat liar. We asked her if there was a microwave in the hotel and she said no, nowhere without blinking an eye. That leads me to Stan the Popcorn Man and Frankie, the night desk guys who round out this "crew". On our first night in the hotel, Bostody and I were REALLY craving the Homestyle Popcorn we had brought with us and we decided that Susannah must have been lying and so we would find a microwave in that damn hotel if it were the last thing we did! Luckily for us, we are both super hot and really persuasive and were able to convince Stan the Popcorn Man to use the super-secret employee microwave in our behalf using our feminine wiles. (I think I just realized that I've only heard that word spoken aloud and therefore have no idea how to spell it...whiles, wyles?) Ok, the truth is we just asked him to use the employee microwave in the back (that we had no proof existed) to pop our popcorn and he didn't even balk. I think that is more because we are bossy than because we are seductive. Frankie was the night guy the next night who also popped for us without question, although he gave us some weird looks because that was the night we played "America's Next Top Model" and ratted our hair and smeared vasoline all over our faces for our photo shoot.

3. "Uh, You Got Some Sh** in Yo Teeth" Guy
Ok, we probably could have come up with a better name than that but that is the only thing this guy said to us in like 3 hours and so that is just what we called him. While still in Bakersfield, Bostody and I went with two of her bestest friends to the Crystal Palace for Karaoke night. This place had TONS of memorable peeps in it, some of whom will be described later. Anyways, we sat at a table in the back and 3 "Pretty Fly for White Guys" sat at a bar behind us. You know the type...the hats with the big, flat brims angled off to one side, those fluffy tennis shoes, low and baggy jeans, etc. At one point after we had befriended the boys, we asked them to take pictures of us with brownies smeared all over our teeth. Two of them thought that was hilarious and the third guy just sat there quietly staring at us. After the pics were taken and we sat down to wipe off the gunk, he calmly pointed at us and said "..." well, you know.

2. Ogden boy.
Maybe this guy shouldn't be on the list because I already don't remember why we thought he was funny. I'll just say he was from Ogden and we thought that it was random for a Utah native to end up in a Bakersfield WalMart as a mechanic.

1. Hot Gay Couple.
Bostody and I really debated whether these two were worthy of the top list but eventually agreed to make them honorable mentions, considering that we never talked to them or even made eye contact with them. They attended Wicked the same night as us and sat maybe 6 rows ahead of us. And they were VERY good looking! I really only looked at one of them (I'd say 90% of the time) but Bostody looked at both equally. I bet if people in the theater were watching us (side note, wouldn't it be SO awesome if we made someone's list as Hot Lesbian Couple even though we are not even lesbian?) they probably thought we were really weird for gawking (seriously, mouths open-trying not to blink so we don't miss a milisecond of taking in their beauty-gawking) at the Gay Couple for so long. But man, they were SO GOOD LOOKING!

Dang it, I just realized as I was looking over our list that we made it prematurely because we met some of our favorite people our last day in LA. I'll just add them to the Top 5 list, even though Bostody would yell at me that that is NOT allowed. But it's my description and my blog, so I'll do what I want. -Blows rasberry in Bostody's general direction.-

Before moving on to the next list, I'll add the Not Shy Lesbian couple to this honorable mention one. On our last night in LA, Bostody and I went to a little Italian restaurant off of Hollywood Blvd. It was very crowded in there and we ended up getting seated RIGHT next to these two pretty women (they were sitting on the same bench as me and our tables were only 8 inches apart.) At first I just thought they were really good friends like Bostody and I. But after they had downed half a jug of wine I noticed they were sitting unusually close together and then realized that the Brunette was stroking the Blonde's thigh. Ok, maybe they were just REALLY good friends. Then, after enough time had passed for them to finish the jug-o-wine, I was in the middle of a sentence when Bostody's jaw dropped open and she stopped listening to me. I glanced over to see what she was looking at and the two ladies next to us were full-on making out and groping each other. We ended up talking to them later (after they had pried themselves apart) and had a very nice conversation. On a related note, I would just like to say that after my trip to Los Angeles I think that L.A. is the Gay capitol of the world. I've been to San Francisco and I live in Portland and neither one even compared to the sheer number of homosexual couples flooding the streets of L.A. Maybe there was a convention the weekend I was there or something. Haha. (disclaimer, I don't think I am being offensive in these descriptions, but I fear I may be like The Office's Michael and saying all kinds of stuff that is politically incorrect. So if I am, I'm sorry and I only have good intentions.)

All right, I really need to go to bed so I'll leave it here for now. Next up...the creepiest people we met and then THE BIG 5 BEST PEOPLE in SoCal!

Weird Mood

Is it strange for me to feel like I really do have a testimony but not be able to explain why or exactly what it consists of? Because that's how I feel. I guess that sounds like I'm just a blind follower or somewhat dimwitted and lazy. The lazy part I can't disagree with. It's something I'm working on, both spiritually and in other aspects of my life. A month or two ago I was so confused and tired with every aspect of my life, including religion, that I was on the verge of just walking away from everything about my lifestyle which largely revolves around church practices and teachings. I have a few friends who have done just that, some pretty recently. Some things happened to switch my path in a direction leading back towards the Church and I don't regret it, but sometimes I look at that other path leading away with a lot of curiosity.

I have many thoughts related to the first paragraph, but they are not really coherent so I'll stop there. Do you know the reason why I want to get married? (Well besides the obvious "it's nice to love and be loved" and "sex is fun" stuff, haha.) Mostly it's because I miss having really good conversations on a regular basis. My imagined future spouse will be very smart and entertaining and an amazing conversationalist who will listen to me and give me good things to listen to and he will give me insights to the world and to myself on a regular basis. I have had friends who are like this, but the difference between a friend and a spouse is that one is stuck with me and is available on a daily basis while friends (even the best ones) tend to come and go as much as I don't want them to. My preconceived notions about marriage don't include stuff like "we'll never fight" or "it will be so wonderful and easy" but instead I imagine (probably falsely) that we will at least always find each other interesting.

The funniest thing I've seen in months and months was when I was driving to the movie theater 2 weeks ago on a 2-lane country road and saw in the oncoming lane a little old hunched man in a motorized wheelchair pushing the forward switch with one hand while eating popcorn with the other. He was smack-dab in the middle of the lane and couldn't have been moving faster than 7 mph and there were 6 cars and trucks backed up behind him, but by golly he was enjoying the scenery and the popcorn and just did not give a damn about anyone else on the road. After I passed him I watched in the rearview mirror as all 6 cars and trucks zoomed around him and I laughed and laughed the rest of the way to the theater. Life sometimes throws the BEST things at you when you least expect it!

Memory Lane

I've been so down in the dumps the last few weeks, I've forgotten what *this* feels like...to be smiley and giggly for hours straight without it being manic. Just good old fashioned happiness. I've been going through old emails all day and can I just say that my best friend is freaking hilarious?! And she's the funniest when she isn't even really trying to be. Here's some quotes from her emails back in the day (2001-2003)

1. Anyway... lets end on a happpier note...hmm what to write... oh ok ! On my cruise one night after dinner I had drank like 7 cokes so I had to pee like nothin else. So my mom, sister and I booked it to our cabin, and of course steff and mom went to the bathroom before me so when it was finally my turn to get in the bathroom I thought for sure I was going to pee my paints (Actually I was wearing a skirt), and to make matters worse I had my tummy tucker on!. So after I pulled down skirt, took off the tucker I sat down and began to pee, but something was differnt. 1/2 of the tolet was the typical cold smooth feeling, and the other was warm and soft. So l looked down and my mom's underwear were under me and well I had peed all over them! At this point it didn't hit what had happed, so I yelled at my mom. I could not think of why the heck she would put her underwear on the tolet when she knew I had to pee. Then I thought about what I had yelled at my mom about, and told her I just peed all over her panties. Then for at least 20 mins I could not stop laughing. I drenched my moms underwear because I peed on them! It was great! My sister got a kick out of it too. and my mom just kept saying " Oh man those were my good ones..." I laughed forever.

2. Yesterday was such a great day! I had a blast with the boys. We found this HUGE hill and went down it a couple of times. well, actually the guys just went down it, I went down it 1 and 1/2 times, and I hurt my face. OK let me tell you the story......
I just got dne walking this HUGE hill, and i was out of breath, and i was a little emabrassed, but i was ok. So, I let dana and grant go before me and they were going to " catch" me at the bottum of this HUGE hill. I was sitting on top of the hill, and some girl was there with me. I turned to her and said, " man, I really don't want to fall off and do something like.. I dunno break my face." And the girl just kind of looked at me and said, " yeah i know what you mean."
Then i hopped onto my sled and away i went!!! Oh brother,,,, I spun around and went right off the edge of the hill. And landed face first in the snow! The snow was... i dunno a foot deep, and just powder so when i flipped around and landed on my face, i didn't roll or anything. I went up and then came down and stopped. And if my body could have done this it would have made a nice little fart noise when i landed. when i got my head out of the snow all i could hear was the guys laughing at me

3. i got the song " back to you" and i liked it. the other song about sex weirded me out so i put it in the trash (talking about Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer...I'd just like to point out this was BEFORE he was popular)

4. my english teacher is also a riot! But not in a homosexual way.

5. hey, I forgot to tell you something.... the other day my sister and I were play fighting, not real fighting... and she kicked me in the butt and I peed all over the place!

6. I have decided that I can't stand mice. They drive me nuts and are horrible and gross and have rabies.

And last but not least, a spiritual lesson taught in a way only my best friend could teach it...

7. I went roller bladding last sunday instead of watching General Conference and I realize that I am a sinner. And, because I sinned I think I have been cursed. On the inside of my right foot I have one hugly massive blister. This isnt' just another blister everyone gets... Jess, this thing is HUGE! Yesterday green puss was coming out of it, and I know it is going to leave a huge ol scar. And then the kids step all over my feet and I have to fight back tears. It is just horrible. SO from now on, I am not going to miss important church things like General conference.!


She doesn't know I have a blog, and I didn't give her name so hopefully she never finds out I posted these, but I don't think anyone really reads this anyways so I guess it's ok that I quoted her on the internet. My good mood spilled over from reading these to my class tonight and I had a grand old time passing a note back and forth with my friend for 3 hours. It was like high school all over again, and I loved it!

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but tonight I am grateful for my break from sadness.

Nevermind

Apparently I just don't like to be touched. I crave it but then hate it when it happens. I seriously am a freak. A mood-swingy, unmotivated, doesn't know what she wants or needs crazy person. For reals. I believe that because I recognize and take ownership of my craziness, it helps people around me to not hate me. Maybe I'm deluding myself though and I really do annoy my friends and family as much as I'm afraid I do.

Went to the doctor and got happy pills. Again. Apparently since this is the third time I've had to do it, now I have to stay on them indefinitely and never be weaned off, according to my doctor. And she wants me to see a counselor which is fine because I've been thinking about doing that anyway. But how does one go about finding a counselor? Especially one who won't try and make me talk about why I should hate my parents, because I don't and I don't want to.

I hate that I'm here in my life again. It leaves me tired and wondering if it's really worth it.

mel-an-chol-y: 1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression

One of my greatest wishes is to have someone who loves me put both their arms around me and just sit with me and let me cry and cry. Probably just knowing I had someone like that would make the need for them go away. Feeling sadness so strongly that you can't breathe well or stand up straight is especially hard when you have to feel it alone.

Reason #5 I Am Crazy

I had a dream last night that some guy in a house next door was tethered to a tree by his arms and he had to stand that way all day everyday. And I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. Also in that dream, two random guys from middle school were walking past tree-boy and I told them to be nice to him or I'd kick their butts. Yet I made no move to untether him.

My dreams are so weird and have the most random people in them. I have not seen those 2 boys in 7 or 8 years and we were never friends in school, and there they were in my head for no apparent reason. (Tether boy was a made up person that I didn't recognize so that's good I guess.)

Sometimes I Hate Naming Things (like blog entries)

Well I have been especially short tempered, easily annoyed and prone to tears the last week or so. I also have been losing motivation fast to attend my classes and do any schoolwork. I'm 85% sure it's directly linked to what time of the month it is, but I'll know for sure in just over a week. I really hope it's that and not the onset of another bout with depression. Sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.

I went to Tacoma last night to my favorite cousin's wedding open house. (He got married in North Carolina last week.) I like his new wife. It's always nice to see two people fall in love and get married who really "match." He reassured me that my turn would soon follow and it made me laugh that he thought celebrating his marriage would make me mourn my own lack of marriage prospects. (It didn't, by the way. Surprisingly sometimes I can think of others without thinking of myself too, haha.)

Before travelling to Tacoma yesterday, I attended my first ever Super Saturday for Relief Society. The ladies in charge even made me "teach" a class making vertical boards with wood blocks and wood letters that said "Ho Ho Ho." They were all cut out so everyone just painted the peices and glued them together. Of course mine was the worst of the bunch, but I just pretended it wasn't and bossed everyone on how to make their own anyways, haha. Is it bad that while we were making the boards I was laughing to myself because of something I heard in high school? A friend of mine back then told me about a school spirit assembly in which she and some others were ramping up the student body for that night's football game against a rival high school. One of their methods was to put on santa hats and shout "Everyday is Christmas at (insert name of rival school here). Ho ho ho." It was widely known that this particular school's student body was more permiscuous than usual, even to the point of needing a daycare IN the highschool. And since I heard that story I have never been able to think of Santa's refrain without giggling a little to myself, even at church activities.

...........................................................................

And now it's two days later. I am tired. I wonder if I'm too selfish with my time to ever be a good mother. Brain too tired for further explanation or musing on the subject. Good night.

I be Smrt

Ok, I do NOT recommend going to this site to get your iq results because they force you to go through about a bazillion ads (the fact that I said "bazillion" really proves how smart I am...haha) but it was a stroke to my ego that I got a 124, rated as "superior." I wish I really was of superior intelligence, but alas I do things to disprove that everyday.

Get a Free IQ Test

Gnashing of Teeth

So here's another reason I think I might (may?) be crazy. Sometimes if someone isn't willing to punish me for my bad choices, I will inflict self-punishment instead. I did this last week in my psychology class. We have had to write two papers so far this semester, and I turned the first paper in late. I talked to the professor about it and she graciously gave me full points even though it states in the syllabus that we will be docked 5 points/day that a paper is late. When I was writing the second paper, I waited until the last minute to start and then got really frustrated because I couldn't find all the resources I needed and so I didn't get it finished on time. I was going to e-mail the teacher and ask her for some more guidance, but since I had turned in the first paper late without penalty I did not want her to give me full points again. Before I got the chance to contact her, she e-mailed me and said that I could turn it in late again with no penalty.

And so I just never turned it in. I finished it but didn't give it to her. I don't want to feel like I am manipulating someone in order to get special favors and so I punished myself since she wasn't willing to do it.

Today my biology professor handed back a paper I had written for that class. I thought I had done well on the paper and so I was surprised to get it back with A LOT of red ink all over it. Now, I have gotten several bad grades in the past due to laziness...I don't show up to class enough or I just don't turn in assignments, but when I do my work, I do it very well. And so that red ink caused my blood pressure to rise just a little. But then when I read the comments, my blood started to BOIL!

-side note- I am writing this in my school's computer lab while I wait for a friend, and someone in here keeps letting out the most rancid farts and it is grossing me out AND making me laugh too

Ok, back to the subject, I got docked points because my paper wasn't detailed enough. My paper wasn't detailed enough because it was limited to one page, and I had written it double-spaced (what teacher nowadays asks for single spaced??). Now, when I was writing the paper I remember getting frustrated because I kept having to edit and re-edit my information to get it down to the bare minimum so it would fit on one page. So my professor took away enough points to make my grade an 85% (I know, not awful...but I would have gotten 100% if I hadn't misunderstood the directions) and then, to add insult to injury she wrote "you need to use single space - don't use double to hide that there isn't a full page here."

I have never in my life tried to manipulate the format of my paper to hide the fact that I didn't have enough information. Like I said before, either I don't do my work at all or I do it really well. I was pissed all through class!

Mad at one teacher for punishing me unjustly and equally annoyed with another for not punishing me when it was deserved. I am a freak.

HAHAHA, I totally spelled council wrong again, this time neglecting to add the n.

I Suspect I Might Be Crazy

This will be fun. I will list all the reasons I think I am crazy so I always have something to blog about.

Reason #1: When I was writing the title, I really struggled because I didn't know whether is was proper to write "might be crazy" or "may be crazy." I need my go-to grammar guy for that one.

Reason #2: (The reason that inspired this post) Last night, my last thought before I drifted off to sleep was that I had spelled "coucil" wrong in my post yesterday. I wasn't even thinking of ANYTHING related to that post or situation, and bam...there it was. So I edited it. For those who didn't see, I had written seminary counsel.

Reason #3: Sometimes I talk to myself in accents just because I think it's fun. Even worse, sometimes I fake cry about something traumatic that hasn't happened to me. One time I was doing that in my car at a stoplight and the people next to me gave me several concerned/baffled looks, but I still didn't stop. Oh, and also related to this one,

3a: I still sing sometimes. I do all these things with the faint thought that one day, I really will be Discovered and someone will make me a famous actress or singer, even though I am fully aware that my skills are only adequate. Haha.

That's good for now. But there are LOTS more.

I make myself laugh. =)

Crying

I feel paralyzed sometimes by my lack of ability to distinguish between experiences that happen just as a result of being in the (right) time and place, or because God led them to me/me to them. I am facing two situations right now that are VERY different, but I think they have a similar theme.

Background: I have never been able to recognize the voice of the Spirit giving me a direct answer. Ever. When I am in Church, I often feel a tightening in my chest and sweaty palms, and there are times when I am talking with people or listening to music or reading scriptures when I have "a-ha" moments. But these are always just general feelings, never specific guidance or direction. I have said many, many prayers over the years-- at times on my knees for over an hour. I plead to feel something right then and there...a sudden warmth/tangible heat, physical arms surrounding me, hearing a distinct voice...anything more than just an empty silence. It never happens. And so I fumble through life trying to recognize the Spirit and God's influence in my life in other ways, and often I am trying so hard that it becomes easy to label anything as God, or the Spirit.

When I applied to BYU-Provo, I did not think I could ever get in. My GPA was only a 3.23. And so when I got the acceptance letter, I assumed that God must have planned for me to go there, because why else would I have gotten that letter? As I struggled with loneliness, a broken spirit, and severe depression (to the point of becoming suicidal) over the next 2 years, I just kept telling myself I had to keep plodding along because this was where I was supposed to be. God made the admissions office accept me because I was supposed to do great things with my life there in Provo.

Long story short, five years later I have come to the solid conclusion that I would have been better off going to Idaho. Not that I didn't learn anything from my time in Provo. I think that if a person is trying to live the Gospel they can have valuable experiences, find friends and get some degree of satisfaction out of life no matter what their circumstances. But just because I wasn't expecting to get accepted to BYU-Provo did not mean that God was pushing and leading me there. Looking back, what got me in was a 30 on the ACT's and being on seminary council and holding every presidency position possible in Young Women's.

-end of background-

Ok, so the situations.
1. After teaching a lesson in Relief Society, (said lesson was pretty great, if I do say so myself) the Stake President's wife called me with a proposition. She has a 19 year old daughter who is severely handicapped and she needs someone to move into the apartment attached to their house (mansion) to help care for the daughter when she and her husband are out of town or schedules don't allow them to be around. She was impressed by me and after talking it over with her husband decided to ask me to be that person.

This means a chance to live in a beautiful mansion. With the Stake President. For free. I get to provide service on a regular basis. I get my own space. I get a little bit of extra money. Sister Stake President has told me several times now to make sure and pray about my decision, because they feel really good about it, but want me to get my own confirmation. Um, problem... I don't get answers to prayers like that, remember? So, similar to the BYU situation, I am faced with being offered an amazing opportunity that I was not expecting or looking for. I'm inclined to think (again) that this must be God's handiwork in my life and what I am meant to do right now to get the BEST experiences that I need the MOST in my life RIGHT NOW. I have prayed now several times, and over and over I feel nothing as I sit on aching knees waiting for something to tell me whether its right or wrong.

I know all the standard replies, and have had several 'conversations' with myself that go as follows:
1. But Jessica, maybe the silence is your answer. Because you don't feel a confirmation that means you should not take this opportunity.
2. Jessica, you are not feeling a "stupor" of thought, or sick to your stomach after you pray so that means your answer is yes and you should take this opportunity.
3. Jessica, you just have to make a decision based on your own best reasoning and move forward. Neither option is a bad one, so Heavenly Father isn't going to push you in one direction over another.
4. You are unworthy to receive an answer, so why are you trying so hard to feel something that you are not allowed to feel?

Number 3 has won out, and I am moving into the mansion. But oh how I wish that for once I could KNOW what God wants me to do.

Situation #1 isn't a bad one necessarily because I think that either decision will lead to good things and I am excited and flattered to have been offered the opportunity. I'm just frustrated with my lack of understanding of prayer/the Spirit/guidance/testimony.

I have a lot more at risk in situation #2. There is most definitely the possibility of making a flat out WRONG choice there. I've been given knowledge about a close friend that came without me seeking it. And once again, I find myself rationalizing that it can't be a coincidence and because I now find myself in the situation with the knowledge I have, God must want me to do something to help my friend.

But maybe it is just a coincidence and I will do more harm than good by acting on my knowledge. Am I the only one who can help and by doing nothing I am ignoring Heavenly Father's wish that I confront my friend? Is it wrong and prideful to wonder if maybe I can be a tool in God's hands or the answer to someone's prayer? Or would I just be putting my nose in where it doesn't belong and causing unnessesary pain to my friend, my friend's family and myself and in the end making the situation infinitely worse by getting involved.

I wish I knew. I wish I was capable of figuring it out with the help of the Spirit. I wish I wasn't crippled in this way. It's going to be a hard week.

Great News!

I'm getting married! No, I'm not, that was just a joke. But I do have news that is almost as great (to me). I discovered that Bajio has been spreading like wildfire and there is one only 40 minutes from my house! I ate there today and it made me so happy. Black beans and sweet rice...yum. But the one here doesn't have the good crunchy ice or Applebeer, so the one in the Riverwoods in Provo still holds the place dearest in my heart. Now if only I could get J-Dawgs to come here. Mmm...special sauce...good.

My life is kind of sad when things like restaurants make me so happy. Oh well, I'll just take joy in it anyway and not think about it too much, haha.

I Am Really Good At This

Or not. I had no idea it has been over 6 months since I last posted something. In that time, well not a whole lot has changed. My life is boring. I still work at Office Depot (pronounced in my mind as dee-pot, not depoe.) but now I get to be the cash office person and count the safe everyday and clean up the mess that the person before me left behind. I actually really like it.

I turned 24 earlier this month. I started telling people I was 24 3 or 4 months ago and so now I have a hard time remembering whether I am actually 24 or 25 now. I think this year will be a good one, but still boring. Is it bad that I am waiting for my life to really start after I finally graduate and am just existing until then? I am totally one of those "...then I'll be happy" people and I hate it. But not enough to change it apparently.

I started a new semester of school on Monday. So far I love none of my classes, but I do love that I feel motivated to do well this semester and am off to an organized, proactive start so that's something to feel happy about. One class I hate I had today. Maybe I will like it by the end of the semester, but right now it just makes me anxious because the professor is a strange, sweaty clinical psychologist who is making us spend the entire semester fixing an emotional or social flaw. Mine is social anxiety and she wants me to sit next to someone new in each of my classes for the rest of the semester and record my level of anxiety each time I do so. What's next? Actually having to make eye contact with strangers?? Something funny...a boy I babysat for 3 years is in one of my classes. Weird, but even weirder is that he is now a lot smarter than me! I'm happy and annoyed by this.

Ok, time to go home and clean so my parents don't realize how messy I let the house get in their absense this week. Maybe I'll write again soon.

My Favorite Joke

right now is this one...

Q: What type of bee makes milk instead of honey?

A: A boobie!

Haha, I saw it on tv 3 weeks ago and it still makes me giggle.

Confidence

Where exactly does confidence come from? I wish I could find the person selling it and restock my supply. I was just writing an e-mail to an old friend from high school, and by doing so started another walk down memory lane. I used to love reading old journals and e-mails and letters and looking at my picture albums over and over again. But lately I've started to avoid doing so because I find myself sad afterwards everytime now.

To clarify, my life is pretty good right now. I am performing well in school, which hasn't happened since middle school. I love love love my family and spending time with them. My testimony isn't great, but it's moving forward again little by little so that's good. I don't love my job, but it's good enough for now and I am well liked there and my work does give me the opportunity to showcase my people skills and leadership skills. I haven't suffered from a bout of depression in a long time. I also realize that high school and the first two years of college were full of trials and difficulties. But when I read old e-mails or look at old pictures, I ineviteably walk away feeling a little empty.

I wish I could find a word to describe how I feel. Something like lonely or deflated, but not quite so depressing or all-encompassing. I'm not lonely because I have my family and I'm still in contact with some very good friends. I'm not totally deflated because I'm still able to use my skills at home and at work. But there's a chunk of "Old Me" that is missing and I want it back. I miss having an abundance of friends. I love the ones that I do have, but they are all long distance relationships. I miss being the center of attention, I miss people wanting to hear my stories, I miss friends asking for my advice or just venting to me because they trust me. I miss feeling like even though I'm not thin or beautiful, people will still like me. Actually, thinking about it, I think it just dawned on me that it is a Church social problem that I am having. People at work like me and last quarter I was able to make friends in my classes relatively easily. But those are all relationships without substance. Kids in my ward still have no idea who I am 7 months after I started attending. Even more discouraging is that my Bishopric has no idea who I am, despite my effort to meet with each of them personnally to introduce myself and let them know a little about me. No one there knows that I am smart and funny with a tendency to be loud and sometimes even a little obnoxious. I don't get asked to participate in any musical numbers or asked to give talks or lessons. Teachers don't ask my opinions in class. No one wants me to help plan activities or even cares whether I attend activities or not.

I know I sound really dumb and self absorbed. I probably also sound lazy and whiny. If I want people to really know who I am, I should put the real me out there more. I know this, but it makes me mad because I don't remember ever having to put out a lot of effort before. The real me just manifested itself and I was given opportunities to shine in Church and with my friends without having to demand them.

The ward we attend and people we know in church is such a huge part of our lives as Latter Day Saints. Typing this, I am realizing that work and school aren't enough for me because...well again I lack the right words to describe it. But I have tied a lot of my confidence in myself to relationships and opportunites I have had within the Church in the past. And now Church is no longer the stage that it used to be for me to shine.

I am giving myself a lot to think about. I am not wholly dissatisfied with church right now, because as I said before my testimony really is growing (finally, it was pretty stagnant there for a while.) It's just that I never feel fatter or uglier or less interesting than after I go to Church each Sunday, and those feelings are residual throughout the week. On the other hand, I always leave Church feeling spiritually motivated. How is it that Sundays are the best and also the very worst day of my week? How is it that I have been more motivated than ever before to work hard and be successful in school and the workplace, but I am simultaneously more discouraged and less confident than I have ever been socially and about my place in the church?

I need a shrink or something. Or just a good friend to help me analyze it all myself. And now, I also need food because I am very hungry so I guess I'll just have to stop whining and smile again for today. =)