Tagged!

I was a tag virgin until today...thanks for taking my innocence, Jeannette. ;-) Here's the 6th picture from my 6th folder:



It's from a "sister's night" I had with my sisters when we went out to eat and then miniature golfing in April of last year. I have more pictures of all 5 of us in the folder, but this happened to be the 6th one, so there you go. Kelsey's on the left, Skylar in the middle and then me.

In other news, I really really need chocolate, Pepsi and ibuprofen right now. (I'll give you 3 guesses why.) It's not good timing for my hormones and body to be all out of wack, since this week has been CRAZY at school and I've had zero motivation to write any of my papers or study for quizzes and tests. I was "studying" with my chemistry lab partners yesterday and instead of being helpful, I think all I succeeded in doing was amazing them with my ability to have 37 distinct moods and personalities in a 3-hour time-span. =) Oh well, at least with medication my craziness is limited to just a few days a month instead of 365 days a year, haha.

Since November is Thanksgiving Time...

I thought I'd start early with the giving thanks thing. Tonight, I am grateful for:

A mom who lights up so much when my sisters and I "let" her hang out with us. She loves how young we keep her, and I love how fun (and funny/nerdy) she is.

A dad who makes the best homemade caramel ever!

Sisters who are finally old enough to also be my bestest friends.

My BFF Mel and her hubby and her mom and her sister who are so fun to hang out with. (And have been for the last 12 years! Except Nick, who's been fun since we met but that was only like 4 years ago)

Good music.

Evidence that God knows me and loves me.

Parking-lot conversations under the stars

Internet television

Sappy romance movies

LAUGHTER!!!

Blogs that let me keep tabs on friends and family that live far away.

Ok, that's all I have for now. Well, at least all I can think of. I'm grateful for lots more stuff, obviously, but for some reason I thought I was in a writing mood but I'm getting writers block now. It's a start at least and I'll try to remember all the rest of the parts of my life that make me happy and thankful for future entries.

Triggers

My friend Cortney told me about a new blog today and I just spent the last 2 hours reading it from beginning to end. I highly recommend it...just link to it from my list over there on the right side of the page ------> it's the "Cordy" one.

Now I'm being bombarded with all of these old memories of when I used to be madly in love with my good friend and how wonderful and awful it was. He's long since gotten married and we never even talk anymore, but it's kind of fun remembering how much a part of each other's lives we used to be.

Reading it also makes me motivated to keep losing weight, except it's for all the wrong reasons. I recently started Weight Watchers (for I think the 7th time), and so far I'm on week 3 which is 2 weeks longer than I've made it before. I feel like it's going to be different this time and that in 6 months from now I'll be a whole new me, but I've felt like that before. I wonder what makes the difference and how I can make it stick this time. I'm tired of feeling so unconfident just because of the way that I look. I want to lose weight to have energy and to be healthier, blah blah blah...but there's a secret (well, I guess not THAT secret, since I'm posting it now for the world to see) part of me that actually doesn't care about all that crap and is just convinced that the only thing keeping me single is 50 (or so) extra pounds and THAT is why I want to lose weight.

I don't want any comments about how I'm being irrational and unrealistic. Or pity compliments. The fact is that I've seen and heard about too many girls who go from size xl to s and then magically boys start looking in their direction all the time. And I've heard that it's more about confidence then about size, but apparently I don't know how to get the confidence without being the right size.

Once the weight comes off (if it actually does this time), then I'll see if I still have nothing even closely resembling a love life and reassess what's keeping the men away at that point.

Sorry this post sounds a little pathetic and bitter. It's just how I feel all the time, but try not to talk about it too much BECAUSE I know how it sounds and I hate the reactions I get from those I vent to. I promise, promise, promise that I am really pretty content in my life right now. I just feel like this is the final missing puzzle piece before, well I don't know what. I know that my journey is far from over, but I feel like it came to a crossroads last year at this time and I took a path that has lead me to this point and now another crossroads is approaching and I'd like to be able to take a path that continues to lead towards progress and good things.

It's nights like this that I miss having roommates to talk to. I miss those late-night talks that start silly and fun and then as the hours pass by, we all let down our guard and allow the most hidden parts of ourselves to surface just for a little while, and we know that it's safe to do so. Sometimes living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.

=)

A Little Slice of Heaven

I walked from my apartment to my parent's house today and brought my camera with me so I could give you all a little taste of how amazing the NW is. I love Autumn in Ridgefield!







































Now, don't run too fast to buy your plane tickets to visit me...I can only house so many people at a time. ;-)

Good Day

I wish I had my camera with me today because it was a picture-worthy day, but I haven't had one of those in a while so the battery had run down on the camera. (Sad when you don't use something for so long that that happens!) It's especially a bummer because I finally got a Canon again, which I love (don't EVER let someone convince you a Panasonic is better because they are lying!), and the trees here are such pretty colors right now and I know my camera would have taken beautiful shots.

Anyways, this post is bound to be boring but I just wanted to record that it was a good day for posterity's sake. My bff Mel is in a science class called something like Freshwater Fish of the Pacific Northwest (awesome right?) and she had to go on a field trip, and I volunteered to go with her. She got nervous for some reason and lied to her teacher and said I was visiting from SLC and that's why I had to come along. It was silly because her teacher obviously didn't care AND other students brought people too. In the parking lot before we left, this kid with a huge beard and really long hair and grungy clothes and one of those silly hats with the ear-flaps and yarn hanging down started talking to Mel and I about how his death-metal band was getting ready to go on tour. I made Mel escape to her car with me in an attempt to discourage anyone from riding with us, but a few minutes later, death-metal kid and a tall, skinny, shy kid knocked on my window and asked if they could ride with us. Mel said yes with her fakest nice voice and we gave each other A Look of Oh No.

Boy were we surprised to find out that the two boys were actually super awesome! Death-metal's real name was Josh and the other one was Eric. Josh was really a sweetheart and talkative and told us all about his travels in Germany. Him and I made a special connection as we discussed our mutual love of Ben Folds (+ 5), Counting Crows and The Postal Service. Eric was one of those great people who you think might be really boring, but actually they just wait to say something until they have something worth saying, so everytime he talked it was really funny or great. Plus, he thought Mel and I were hilarious and we decided long ago that is 90% of the battle in becoming our friend.

The field trip was to the dam in the Columbia River Gorge. I LOVE the Gorge SOOOO much, and it was especially gorgeous today because so many of the trees were yellow and red and orange, and even the green ones seemed especially vivid. We observed salmon in a stream and Eric pointed out that most of them looked like zombie fish, because apparently freshwater isn't good for adult salmon plus their trip up the Columbia from the Pacific Ocean is really hard on them anyways, so they had random flaps of flesh that were hanging off of their bodies. We also got a tour of the dam, which was surprisingly interesting. Our tour guide was NOT interesting, however, and maybe even a little scary. She was very soft-spoken and monotone, but not in a relaxing way. More of a "wow this lady has some pent up stuff going on and I'm pretty sure if anything makes her upset she will go totally postal on us" type of way.

Mel and I parted ways with our new bff's at the end of the field trip and then we went to a cool new restaurant and then to her house to hang out and talk as only Mel and Jessica can until 6:30. I love Mel, and even though sometimes we bug each other as only best-friends-who-are-as-close-as-sisters can, I don't know what I'd do without her!

I could have stayed and talked to Mel all night, but I had to leave because my friend Grant had invited me to go to a random concert with him. It was a Celtic-Folk band and they were playing in this awesome little venue in the heart of downtown Ridgefield. (Ridgefield is where I currently reside and downtown is one of those quaint little Mayberry-ish towns that make you feel like you've gone back in time everytime you're there. I love it.) The venue was packed, and I'm pretty sure Grant and I were the only people younger than 50 there. The band is called Molly's Revenge and has four members in it...a bearded, white-haired old man, and 3 younger guys...one who rocks the whole retro look that's in right now, a Hot Bald Guy (man, when it's done right, bald TOTALLY rocks my world!), and last but not least a short little hyperactive man who I swear is at least 1/4 leprechaun.

The songs they played used various awesome instruments, including BAGPIPES, which I thought I would hate but actually they sounded amazing in the genre of music these guys did. The audience was jazzed, the band had way good energy, Grant is good company and the music was really fun so all-in-all it was a toe-tappingly awesome time. The best part about it was that the leprechaun man was BURSTING with enthusiasm and he was totally rocking out while he played, whether he was playing drums or a pied-piperish flute or the bagpipes. He made me want to get up and dance a little jig. He was so hyperactive that at the end of the show, his entire shirt except the bottom 3 inches were soaked in sweat, and I don't even know how this is possible, but the sweat had started to pool on top of iteslf in the middle of his back. I know that sounds gross, but since he was such a cute little hyper man who loved his music so much that he could not contain it, it was actually kind of endearing.

So there's my day. I think I just really liked it because it was different from my normal routine. I did two things (fish-observing and celtic-band listening) that I never thought I'd enjoy and ended up really liking them both. Also I was with good company all day.

Oh, the icing on the cake is that when I came home I went into the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I took in my rosy cheeks and bright eyes and was able to admit to myself that I looked quite fetching. I don't feel that way often, but I appreciate it when I do.

If you've made it through this "journal" type post, bless you. I hope everyone is healthy and happy. I'm feeling the love tonight and want to spread it around. (In a good way, not in a herpes way, haha.)

Happy Sunday everyone!

=)

So Reno-911 is on and I just heard a new insult.

Small-Balls.

How have I never heard or thought of this one before? It's so funny!

(Or maybe it's just late at night after a long week and I'm a little loopy.)

On a completely unrelated note, we had a good old-fashioned NW downpour today for the first time in months, and surprisingly it made me really happy. Confession: I stood in my driveway with my head back and my tongue out for like 5 minutes just tasting the rain, and it was delicious!

The rain also made me a little sad because it made me REALLY want a special someone to get drenched with while we shared some sweet kisses in the rain. Come on all you normal, smart, fun, good conversationalist, single guys...where are you hiding? I'm ready for you to come and get me now. And don't pretend you're not interested...I know you want me. How could you resist my fabulousness? So stop being such Small-Ballses and find me already!

Makeover!

So my sister Kelsey is in beauty school and yesterday she had to take her practical exam for eyebrows/makeup. My eyebrows were looking pretty nasty, so I volunteered to be her "model." Here's the results...

BEFORE:





...





...





AFTER:




She's like a frickin' miracle worker, no?

School's In Session!

Just when I thought I had gotten a good rhythm down for blogging, my schedule became all crazy again and now my posts are few and far between. I have a couple of minutes before class though and thought I'd just give a quick update. Apparently the logger's jubilee post is never going to happen, so I'll just suffice it to say that lumberjacks + small town hicks + good friends = tons-o-fun. I'm totally making it an annual tradition!

School started again, and I've been floating on air because I will be DONE IN MAY!! Only two semesters left, and I'm so excited. Unfortunately due to stupid school policies and transfer problems, I have to take chemistry this semester and it's kind of kicking my butt. Luckily I'm taking it with a friend, and the rest of my classes aren't hard so far so hopefully I'll get through it ok.

Otherwise life is really good. I flew to L.A. last weekend for my good friend Carri's wedding. She was beautiful and I really like her husband so it was a happy event. Plus I love her family so it was totally good to see them.

I ran into an old classmate a few minutes ago and after we talked about his life for a little while he said, "So how are you doing? I think you must be doing really well, are you doing really well?" I replied that yes, life was really good. He responded with, "Yeah, I thought so. You just have a really good energy surrounding you." I don't know if it's my aura or just the fact that I'm wearing a bright pink shirt today, but either way I appreciated the compliment. Hopefully the good energy sticks around for a long time because I love feeling happy!

All right, I'm off to my "fake" class now. It's institute (basically a bible study class for college mormons). My coworker asked why it was fake and I told him because I don't get any credit for going to it...except with God, haha. Until next time (be it days, weeks or months)!

Twilight Trailer Spoof

This will only be funny if you've seen the real Twilight trailers (you can find them on imdb.com if you haven't). I almost died laughing watching this! Soooooo funny!

Random

I know I said my next post would be about Logger's Jubilee, but I'm too lazy to post all the pictures right now. Instead I found this cute picture of Kelsey and my mom and I. I look kind of gross in it, and who knows why my gum is front and center, but isn't my mom just so cute? I don't know many moms who are almost 50 and have such cute, youthful faces still. Hopefully I inherited her wrinkle-lite genes.

My Busy Life

My life has been on overdrive since my family reunion...there was the reunion, then my birthday, then Brooke's birthday, then working full time AND training a new girl for 2 weeks (training is harder work than you would think!), then the Morton Logger's Jubilee. Now I should still be running my marathon-o-fun-and-craziness by spending a week in Provo but instead life has come to a crashing halt. I am VERY sad to not be going to Education Week and visiting some of my favorite people in the universe, but it's also nice to be able to relax and breathe again before school starts next week.

Here are some pictures to highlight the two most exciting events of the last few weeks...those being my family reunion on my mom's side and OF COURSE the Logger's Jubilee:


Skylar was helping Kelsey fix her family shirt. Our aunt is banished from ever ordering the shirts again...not only were they a shade of orangey-red that doesn't flatter anyone's skintone, she also ordered Kelsey and my shirts in 2XL MENS! Ok, I readily admit that I am not a skinny girl, but men's 2xl?? I'm not even close to that. Luckily, I got to ditch my shirt early...picture and explanation to follow...


Skylar and I cheesing it up for the camera.


Me on some sort of a boat or canoe. I think the life-jacket on top of the red shirt is especially flattering. Please ignore me as much as possible and just take in the scenery behind me...it was beautiful at Camp Zarahemla!


The Oliver Ladies (minus one) during the family olympic games!


And here's where the story of how I got to ditch our family shirt early begins. The final olympic event of the day was the women's canoe races. My mother got caught up in the excitement of the day and volunteered her sister, herself and me to make up the "Brooks" team. I knew we were in trouble when my mom couldn't even get onto her seat in the canoe for like 5 minutes.


Once she finally balanced herself precariously on the middle seat, we pushed off. Our race went well for about 1.3 seconds, then the forward momentum of the canoe caused my dear mother to fall flat on her back with her legs straight up in the air (My dad calls this the "V for Victory" picture...referencing my mom's leg positions)


As my oblivious aunt kept yelling "Stroke! Stroke!" and I kept trying to yell "Mom, get up!" through my laughter, my mom gamely tried to follow both our orders which of course resulted in us tipping our canoe into the cold, cold lake water.


We may not have won the race, but on the upside we gave everyone's abs a good work out from the laugher AND I found a legitimate excuse to take off that shirt early!


My mom begs me before every family reunion to do something for the talent show. Usually I adamately decline, for fear of embarrasing myself, but after listening to her pleas for weeks I finally gave in this year. I thought as long as I was going to embarrass myself anyway, I might as well go full tilt and do a loud song in an obnoxious english accent dressed as a dirty hobo AND make my mom and sister do it with me!



Brittney came through for the Oliver's with her much more dignified performance of "Castle on a Cloud." While it was very sweet, I can't help but wish she had showcased her rockin' robot dance skillz instead.


My little cousin (I don't know how far removed...she's my grandma's great neice) Elizabeth took this lovely picture of my parents. I don't feel guilty at all for posting it, as my dad ditched a large part of the reunion to go play golf so this is one of the few pictures I have as proof he was really there.


Miss Elizabeth and I. There's tons of adorable kids in my family and she's a good sampling of the cuteness.


Another adorable cousin Rachel got to be baptized in the lake during the reunion. It was very sweet, even her gasping shriek as she emerged from the frigid water. =)


There were over 100 people at our reunion, and I love being around most of them but these two kids are the best. Anthony is my first cousin who is closest to my age on my mom's side and we had a lot of fun together growing up. Now he has a little family and looks like a mexican gangster, but we still manage to have fun. Nathan is my bestest cousin and I had SO much fun seeing him and getting to know his fabulous new wife Lynn better. They were the highlight of the reunion for me!

Wow, posting pictures on this thing is no joke, and while I have tons more from the reunion, I think these capture the essence of my experience pretty well. I feel lucky that even though my mom's family keeps getting bigger and bigger, we still make it a priority to have these big ol' reunions every 2 years. It's always good to see and talk to everyone. Mostly though, it just makes me appreciate my immediate family even more. I just really adore my parents and sisters and all of the crazy fun we have together.

This post is already enormous, so I'm going to do a To Be Continued...Next time I'll show you some pictures of the Morton Logger's Jubilee which I'm totally making an annual event in my life because it was AWESOME!

Another Year

So it was the big 2-5 today. It was a nice day, overall. I had to work because the main receptionist is on vacation, but I got a 2 hour lunch. Mel treated and it was great (as usual) to spend time with her and continue our eternal good conversation. (One time her husband told us to stop talking and go to bed because we had all of the next day to talk to each other and I just shook my head at him and told him there are never enough hours in the day to capture all the things Mel and I find to talk about.)

After work I rushed to my parent's house to clean up for the little party I threw for myself. (I know, it's a little sad and pathetic, but if I didn't do it I wasn't sure if anyone would so I was just proactive about it.) I put out my food and baked and frosted my cake and then waited for the guests to arrive. It was kind of a strange group...a mix of friends I've known for 12 years, some I've only known for 1, 2 or 3 (most of the ones in that group are the spouses or children of the friends I've known forever), and a couple of kids who I've only known for a month or so. They ranged in age from 6 months-26 years. At one point, my dog tried to "get frisky" with my favorite 1 yr old ever, and the highlight of the party was his mom yelling "STOP HUMPING MY BABY!"

Birthdays have never been a big deal in my house...especially mine since my sister's birthday is the next day. Today was pretty laid back as usual, but it was still nice to be told that people love me and remember me. Haha, the only sad thing about the day was I totally lost the Facebook competition. You know how some people get millions of Happy Birthday messages on Facebook and Myspace? I got like 6. Which I appreciate, really. But the same part of me that always wished I was 5'8 and size 2 with amazing boyfriends and lots of money was a little dissapointed that more people didn't say something. Isn't that awful? I should erase that and not post it, but the part of me that thinks it's kind of funny won't let me.

I need to post more stories on my other blog. I will, but it will probably be a little while. Life has been busy with my family reunion (SO FUN -- I'll devote my next post to that) and birthday. And now I'm scheduled to go to the fair and to the Morton LOGGER'S JUBILEE this weekend. I'm totally stoked for both and plan on seeing a lot of really funny rednecks at both events. I'll try and take pictures.

My high school friends and their spouses (who are also my friends...some of them even better than the original high school ones, haha) The single kids had already left the party...you'd think they'd be ready to party hearty and be the last ones to go, but I guess we were a. too boring or b. too exciting for them. I'm not sure which.

Just Do It

If you haven't already, check out my new blog storytimewithjessica.blogspot.com I've been having SO much fun remembering all the craziest and most ridiculous times in my life. Let me know what you think!

Latest Obsession

Bought it. Played it. Will Continue to play all night long...LOOOOVE IT!!

Slacker

I'm being a slacker with this blog. Life just isn't very exciting right now. It's ESPECIALLY not exciting today, and I'm being a big huge slacker at work. It's totally illegal for me to be on the computer like this (like, illegal with the boss, not the law) but I haven't had a patient come in for over 3 hours and I forgot to bring a book with me today so I am breaking the rules, dangit!

It's gorgeous outside. The sun is taunting me from the glass windows and doors. If I wasn't working, I think I'd go miniature golfing or go to a park to picnic and play on the swings today. I love playground equipment and I'm almost 25 years old. Some things are just timeless, I guess.

People keep bugging me lately about what I'm going to do with my life after I graduate next April. I keep telling them it's still 9 months away and I'll just stress myself out by trying to make plans right now. That's one of the reasons I figured out I was unhappy for so long...because I spent so much time anticipating the future so instead now I'm just enjoying the present, but apparently my family and friends didn't get the memo to just let me enjoy it haha. I appreciate their curiosity and concern, but now I can't turn my brain off and every night before I go to bed I find myself considering different careers, types of companies, and different living situations for next year. I SHOULD just be able to fill my head with images of that hot man Will from So You Think You Can Dance, but no, it's all questions and worries instead. Sigh. Hopefully soon I'll retrain my brain again.

Ok, this has taken a whole 5 minutes to type. Now I just have to find a way to fill FOUR more hours before I can leave work and do something fun with my life!

Age Barrier

Well, I may officially be the lamest girl ever now. I've been hanging out with kids who range from being 2 to 7 years younger than me...and I'm totally having a fun time doing it! I need to stop making comments about how old I am though because I don't think they even notice. I'm just a little self conscious that some of these kids are YOUNGER than kids I used to babysit. But I can either only hang out with married people, spend a lot of time alone, or suck it up and get over preconcieved notions I have about age barriers and just have fun with some new friends.



I continue to feel a lasting change within myself. I laugh more and talk more and love myself more everyday. I need to kick my own butt into gear and go to the gym more often so I can feel good inside AND out, but I'm definitely not ungrateful for the inner confidence I've found again. It's amazing how depression and opposition tell you such lies about who you are and what your gifts and talents are. The lies are louder than all the truths told to you by your loved ones. I have felt a little lost for years now, but while in the midst of it I didn't even realize how much of the old me had disappeared. Don't get me wrong, there is still progress to be made and also maintenance is the hardest thing for me but I really believe that I'm moving in the right direction.




It's good to be back!

It Happened Again...

Another crazy old lady called me yesterday. This one was not a patient and was apparently fully aware that she was calling a physical therapy office (at least she said so when I asked her if she know she had called a physical therapy office.) This lady was calling to ask for help because she is in a wheelchair and a dumpster has been blocking the sidewalk and she was afraid she was going to get hit by a car and killed when wheeling around it. The dumpster was

not at her house

not in front of the office where I work

not on the same side of town where I work

It was behind a Fred Meyer on the other side of town. And she just needed me to help her because it has been a week and a half and nothing has been done. I suggested she call the store. She had. I suggested she find out who owned the business park and call them. She didn't want to. So I suggested she call the police department (NOT 911...I emphasized that at least 3 times because she seemed crazy enough to call 911 over this matter.)

She seemed satisfied with that and finally hung up. And once again I was left staring at the phone in my hands, laughing and laughing. I love crazy people.

Numb What? Spelling Bee

How can you not LOVE this??

Crazy Customer Service

Sometimes customer service jobs are the worst and SO stressful because people are just plain selfish and rude. Other times, the jobs put you in contact with the funniest, craziest people ever! I've had men propose to me (dates, marriage and even one offer just to be the "pretty young thing" on his arm to make him more attractive to an ex). A lot of funny old men tell the silliest jokes ever and laugh and laugh at themselves. Women tell me the weirdest, most personal stories about themselves. One time a lady stopped talking and just screamed into the phone, like for 10 seconds all I heard was a banshee scream. It was hilarious!

Right now I word at a Physical Therapy clinic, and also at an Urgent Care center. Yeah, the Crazies come in force to medical facilities. Mostly I love it because they crack me up. My most recent encounter with a Crazy was yesterday. I was upstairs taking care of medical records stuff on the PT side and I had to answer the phone because the front desk receptionist was on the other line. This old lady was on the other line and our conversation went something like this: (her name has been changed so the HIPAA police don't come and hang me from the ceiling by my toes)

"Thank you for calling Vancouver Rehab, this is Jessica."

"Yes, hello? Oh, hi. This is Pearl Johnson. I don't know why I just told you that, I'm sure you don't care and it doesn't matter for what I need anyways. Ok, this is my physical therapy office, right."

"Yes it is. How can I help you?"

"Well young lady, I need your expertise. I have an important anatomy question and I really need your help or it is just going to ruin the rest of my day. I need to know the word for a body part. At the very end of your spine, on the butt end. You, know the very end and there is a bundle of nerves there except there is no exit for nerve impulses."

-pause, in which I am deciding whether to tell her I have no knowledge of anatomy or not, and also wondering how this relates to her PT-

"And it's called the horse's neck or something like that and I am here with my friends and we're trying and trying to remember the name. Of that place, on the end of the spine that's like a horse. Oh, you just have to tell me the name because you know how it is when you can't remember something that you know you know and it is really upsetting me and I know my whole day is going to be ruined if you don't tell me."

--it finally dawns on me that this call has NOTHING to do with physical therapy, she is just plain crazy and apparently is too old to know what Googling means.--

"Uh, ok can you hold for a minute please?"

I proceeded to walk downstairs, ask 2 PT aides and 1 PT what the scientific name for the butt-end of the spine named after a horse's body part where there are no exits for nerve impulses is. I then walked all the way back upstairs and told the crazy old lady on the phone the word she was looking for. She was very grateful and relieved and hung up without ever mentioning PT appointments or treatments. I hung up and laughed very loud while my coworkers looked on. I am trying to imagine what kind of conversation was taking place between a bunch of old ladies in which it is necessary discuss the cauda equina, especially one in which the actual scientific term was required.

Oh well, talking to her made me happy and also I'm now a little smarter for having had the conversation. =)

To Every Thing There is a Season

My personal theme and one of my goals for the last year or so is to stop being a "THEN I'll be Happy" person. I know I've mentioned it on here before somewhere. "When I start dating..." "When I get married..." "When I'm done with school..." "When I can travel..." etc. etc. I know that I'm not alone in my way of thinking. When we are looking so hard at our imaginary ideal futures, we miss so much good in our current seasons.

I went to Relief Society Enrichment last night and the topic of the night was womanhood (shocker). This theme of seasons and fully embracing each season of womanhood kept coming up and it gave me renewed inspiration to be more optimistic and appreciate the good things about my life right now.

I'm taking a class called Work and Family and it's all about the benefits and struggles of working moms. The professor is really smart and engaging, but her social views are pretty different from mine. And some things she says are REALLY opposite to general opinions about gender held by many Mormons. So it took me by surprise last night when many of the things my professor has discussed in my class came up at the Relief Society meeting. One thing in particular that was repeated almost word for word was how women are taking on too much and forgetting to take time to care for themselves. The analogy of placing your own oxygen mask on before your children in case of emergency on a plane came up both in class and at the meeting last night. I think that all women struggle with this to some degree, especially wives and mothers...finding the balance between total sacrifice and total selfishness because both extremes are unhealthy.

The epiphany I had today while I was thinking about seasons and also about finding balance was this; I am grateful for this time in my life as a young, single woman. I am really grateful that I can afford to be more selfish than most without hurting a husband or even boyfriend or children. If I were not single, I probably would not be able to really take the time to conquer my depression and really learn who I am the way that I have. For some people, having a partner is what helps them through their struggles, but in my case I think I would have been too worried about making them happy, and wallowing in feelings of inadequacy and insecurity to have made as much progress as I have.

It sounds so strange to say I'm grateful that I can be selfish, but I really am. I think it is helping me to be happy right now, and I think it is preparing me for a future when more sacrifice and less selfishness will be necessary. I'll have much more to give, I hope.

Other things about my life RIGHT NOW that I appreciate:
- being friends with my sisters for the first time, especially Skylar
- my really good relationship with my parents
- no rent
- as long as i have the money, i can leave on a roadtrip or on a plane at the drop of a hat
- going to really fun concerts
- it's So You Think You Can Dance season
- my friendships have a depth that they didn't 10 years ago...i'm especially grateful to still be really close to friends that i WAS friends with 10 years ago
- i'm not farsighted yet so i can still read with ease
- there's a LOT of really great music out right now and i appreciate it
- i can sleep 8 hours a night and if i don't it's not because of a crying baby
- i'm not yet too old to still act immaturely sometimes...sometimes it feels good to be a little immature and a lot silly

And the list goes on and on.