OH NO! I have been running around like a crazy person for the last few weeks with way too much stuff on my plate so I haven't had time to watch t.v. (I haven't even watched the Lost finale yet...) and I haven't had time to hang out at the parents' house and hijack their satellite and so
I MISSED THE ANNUAL NATIONAL SPELLING BEE!
You have no idea the amount of anguish this causes me. I look forward to catching it on ESPN and ESPN2 every year. I've converted many a friend/roommate/family member to its awesomeness. Laugh, scoff or scorn me if you will. It's the best thing since sliced bread and now I have to wait a whole 'nother year to see it again.
=-(
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Steady as She Goes
I had a brief moment of sadness tonight when I let myself give into irrational fears about my future. But don't worry, it lasted but a moment and now I'm ok again. I think. No, I am. I'm just in a really weird place right now and am trying to make sense out of a life that I never imagined for myself. But I'm learning that unexpected doesn't mean bad and really am trying to have a good attitude and be as happy as possible in circumstances I never anticipated.
I need to do something to help me feel like more of an adult. I FEEL pretty mature and like I have age-appropriate levels of intelligence and stuff. But then when I describe my life to myself or others, I always revert to feeling like an 18 year old (or younger). Here's a partial list of current things about me...which of these things sound like they come from the life of an almost 25 year old?
1. Not yet finished with a bachelor's degree...been out of high school for 7 years
2. Live 2 miles from home and spend the majority of time with parents and sisters
3. Working part-time making barely more than minimum wage (I did have a salaried job earning $30,000/yr. 2 years ago, but I quit that and reverted back to student friendly work)
4. Never touched tobacco, alchohol or any substances really with a stronger punch than Dr. Pepper (according to Brian, I'm REALLY missing out here, haha). Can you be an adult without waltzing into the office each morning with your sophisticated cup-o-Joe from Starbucks? p.s. nothing makes you feel like more of a 5 year old than going out to "coffee" with friends and ordering a hot cocoa with whip cream on top, haha
5. Never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 2 weeks (and that one was Jr. year of high school!)
6. Have not travelled further east than Colorado, mostly only "travel" to Utah...LAME!
7. No significant worldly possessions such as furniture (for some reason I associate adulthood with needing a U-Haul to move, as opposed to just loading up my car and fitting everything I own in that one load)
8. No mortgage or car payments to speak of, and I only just got my first credit card last month. Also I don't balance my checkbook.
9. It's fun for me to go somewhere and have to show my ID...like to a comedy club. I get a little thrill from it because I've only had to do it 4, maybe 5 times since my 21st birthday in 2004. Mind you, I'm not participating in any activities that require me to be over 21, but it still feels cool and adultish to have to whip out that license!
10. I totally get wrapped up in MTV reality shows like The Hills. That has to be proof I'm not an adult yet, right?
What other normal, mature almost 25 year olds have lives that look like this? In my experience, it's 98% weirdo's who are over the age of 18 (16?) and have a resume similar to mine. You know -- the socially awkward, slightly stinky, and always oblivious weirdo's. So am I delusional and desperate and maybe a little conceited to be convincing myself that I'm part of that 2% who is fun and smart and not socially retarded? I just don't know. And I don't trust any of you who say that I am part of the awesome 2%, because you are my friends or my family so you have to be nice and also you think I need your encouragement (aka pity?) and I hate it when people think I'm digging for compliments when I REALLY and TRULY am not. I'm just trying to figure things out by talking and typing to get everything out of my head where I can examine it a little better. Then again, it never hurts to hear exactly why I am freaking awesome so if you genuinely feel so inclined, fire away. Haha.
Reason #14 I am crazy (I don't know what number I'm actually on so I'm just choosing at random now):
One time in church I made a comment likening sanctification to childbirth. Like literal, dripping from the creation, childbirth. I talked about babies being suddenly cut out of their mother's stomachs vs. gradually popping out the hoo-hah and how that's like each of our spiritual journeys. It made sense at the time, but I also knew it was weird and a little gross to talk about in a church setting (any setting?). But I plowed on anyways.
Haha, I totally entertain myself.
I need to do something to help me feel like more of an adult. I FEEL pretty mature and like I have age-appropriate levels of intelligence and stuff. But then when I describe my life to myself or others, I always revert to feeling like an 18 year old (or younger). Here's a partial list of current things about me...which of these things sound like they come from the life of an almost 25 year old?
1. Not yet finished with a bachelor's degree...been out of high school for 7 years
2. Live 2 miles from home and spend the majority of time with parents and sisters
3. Working part-time making barely more than minimum wage (I did have a salaried job earning $30,000/yr. 2 years ago, but I quit that and reverted back to student friendly work)
4. Never touched tobacco, alchohol or any substances really with a stronger punch than Dr. Pepper (according to Brian, I'm REALLY missing out here, haha). Can you be an adult without waltzing into the office each morning with your sophisticated cup-o-Joe from Starbucks? p.s. nothing makes you feel like more of a 5 year old than going out to "coffee" with friends and ordering a hot cocoa with whip cream on top, haha
5. Never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 2 weeks (and that one was Jr. year of high school!)
6. Have not travelled further east than Colorado, mostly only "travel" to Utah...LAME!
7. No significant worldly possessions such as furniture (for some reason I associate adulthood with needing a U-Haul to move, as opposed to just loading up my car and fitting everything I own in that one load)
8. No mortgage or car payments to speak of, and I only just got my first credit card last month. Also I don't balance my checkbook.
9. It's fun for me to go somewhere and have to show my ID...like to a comedy club. I get a little thrill from it because I've only had to do it 4, maybe 5 times since my 21st birthday in 2004. Mind you, I'm not participating in any activities that require me to be over 21, but it still feels cool and adultish to have to whip out that license!
10. I totally get wrapped up in MTV reality shows like The Hills. That has to be proof I'm not an adult yet, right?
What other normal, mature almost 25 year olds have lives that look like this? In my experience, it's 98% weirdo's who are over the age of 18 (16?) and have a resume similar to mine. You know -- the socially awkward, slightly stinky, and always oblivious weirdo's. So am I delusional and desperate and maybe a little conceited to be convincing myself that I'm part of that 2% who is fun and smart and not socially retarded? I just don't know. And I don't trust any of you who say that I am part of the awesome 2%, because you are my friends or my family so you have to be nice and also you think I need your encouragement (aka pity?) and I hate it when people think I'm digging for compliments when I REALLY and TRULY am not. I'm just trying to figure things out by talking and typing to get everything out of my head where I can examine it a little better. Then again, it never hurts to hear exactly why I am freaking awesome so if you genuinely feel so inclined, fire away. Haha.
Reason #14 I am crazy (I don't know what number I'm actually on so I'm just choosing at random now):
One time in church I made a comment likening sanctification to childbirth. Like literal, dripping from the creation, childbirth. I talked about babies being suddenly cut out of their mother's stomachs vs. gradually popping out the hoo-hah and how that's like each of our spiritual journeys. It made sense at the time, but I also knew it was weird and a little gross to talk about in a church setting (any setting?). But I plowed on anyways.
Haha, I totally entertain myself.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Robert Muraine Audition - SYTYCD 4 - [BEST QUALITY]
Holy crap, this guy is SICK! I *heart* So You Think You Can Dance and am sooooo stoked for the new season!!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Silly Jessie
Jessie and her sister, Taylor(please excuse her messy hair, I was not on the ball this day)
The family I live with is going out of town this weekend, which means I have three days of me-n-Jessie time ahead of me. I haven't talked about Jessie very much (if at all) on here, but she's been a big part of my life for the last 6-7 months. Thanks to her, I get a free apartment in the Stake President's house, and a job at the SP's physical therapy clinic and urgent care clinic. Also, his sister who runs HR for all of his clinics has offered me a career after I graduate (one that I don't think I'll take, but it's nice to have the option.) All this because Jessie's mom picked me out of a crowd to be friends with and care for her daughter.
Jessie just turned 20. We have the same first and middle names. She loves movies...especially romantic comedies and old westerns. She is totally boy crazy. She likes to play tricks on me and laughs when I look stupid. She also has Angelman Syndrome. This means that she doesn't talk at all and can't walk long distances. She can feed herself with a spoon but is still working on the whole fork thing. I get to bathe her, dress her and change her diaper when I'm watching her. In some ways she is super smart, but a lot of the time hanging out with her is just like hanging out with an adult-sized toddler. I never thought I would be friends with someone like Jessie, but I'm so glad I am because I have learned a lot from her and also she ALWAYS makes me laugh and laughter is my very favorite thing!!
One time when I was making dinner in the kitchen, I could hear Jessie laughing periodically. She was watching a western and when I went in to see what she thought was so funny, I realized that she was laughing everytime a cowboy pulled a gun out of his holster. If anyone got shot, she REALLY thought that was funny. She also thinks The Three Stooges, dogs and anyone falling down are hilarious.
The falling down doesn't have to happen on-screen for Jessie to get a good laugh. I took her to the mall once and was having a hard time maneuvering her wheelchair out of the non-automatic doors (the wheelchair is just for when we're going to be on our feet a long time.) It was my first time with her in the wheelchair and I wasn't smart enough to figure out that if I went backwards out the door, I could hang on to her chair and get out easily. So instead I twisted myself into a knot trying to shove the door open by reaching over her head and then running out the door before it closed all the way and then grabbing her chair -- and before I knew it, I was flat on my butt and Jessie was laughing (loudly) at my predicament.
Jessie also likes to play tricks on me for her own amusement. One time I made pizza and got hers all ready for her, then put mine on a plate and turned to fill my water cup. I heard an (evil) laugh and when I turned around, Jessie has pulled all the cheese and toppings off of my pizza and was VERY proud of her little joke. The last time her parents were out of town, I had put her in the tub and then left to put in a load of laundry. Jessie, the little stinker, has always led me to believe that she can't get out of the tub without my help. So imagine my surprise when I headed back to the bathroom only to be intercepted by a dripping wet, naked Jessie who then ran away from me laughing her head off!
When it comes to boys, Jessie is a totally normal boy-crazy 20 year old. When a hot guy comes on the screen on tv or in a movie, she yells and wiggles and (if at home) scoots as close to the screen as possible to get close to her crush. Here is a list of her favorites since I've started watching her:
1. Ed Speleers from Eragon
Jessie just turned 20. We have the same first and middle names. She loves movies...especially romantic comedies and old westerns. She is totally boy crazy. She likes to play tricks on me and laughs when I look stupid. She also has Angelman Syndrome. This means that she doesn't talk at all and can't walk long distances. She can feed herself with a spoon but is still working on the whole fork thing. I get to bathe her, dress her and change her diaper when I'm watching her. In some ways she is super smart, but a lot of the time hanging out with her is just like hanging out with an adult-sized toddler. I never thought I would be friends with someone like Jessie, but I'm so glad I am because I have learned a lot from her and also she ALWAYS makes me laugh and laughter is my very favorite thing!!
One time when I was making dinner in the kitchen, I could hear Jessie laughing periodically. She was watching a western and when I went in to see what she thought was so funny, I realized that she was laughing everytime a cowboy pulled a gun out of his holster. If anyone got shot, she REALLY thought that was funny. She also thinks The Three Stooges, dogs and anyone falling down are hilarious.
The falling down doesn't have to happen on-screen for Jessie to get a good laugh. I took her to the mall once and was having a hard time maneuvering her wheelchair out of the non-automatic doors (the wheelchair is just for when we're going to be on our feet a long time.) It was my first time with her in the wheelchair and I wasn't smart enough to figure out that if I went backwards out the door, I could hang on to her chair and get out easily. So instead I twisted myself into a knot trying to shove the door open by reaching over her head and then running out the door before it closed all the way and then grabbing her chair -- and before I knew it, I was flat on my butt and Jessie was laughing (loudly) at my predicament.
Jessie also likes to play tricks on me for her own amusement. One time I made pizza and got hers all ready for her, then put mine on a plate and turned to fill my water cup. I heard an (evil) laugh and when I turned around, Jessie has pulled all the cheese and toppings off of my pizza and was VERY proud of her little joke. The last time her parents were out of town, I had put her in the tub and then left to put in a load of laundry. Jessie, the little stinker, has always led me to believe that she can't get out of the tub without my help. So imagine my surprise when I headed back to the bathroom only to be intercepted by a dripping wet, naked Jessie who then ran away from me laughing her head off!
When it comes to boys, Jessie is a totally normal boy-crazy 20 year old. When a hot guy comes on the screen on tv or in a movie, she yells and wiggles and (if at home) scoots as close to the screen as possible to get close to her crush. Here is a list of her favorites since I've started watching her:
1. Ed Speleers from Eragon
2. Logan Bartholomew from Love's Enduring Promise
3. James Franco from Fly Boys
4. James Marsden from X-Men, Ever After, Hairspray and 27 Dresses
5. And last (but DEFINITELY not least) is her favorite, Zac Efron -- of HSM and Hairspray fame
She has good taste, no? Maybe I should ask her what she thinks about Mr. Mark Ruffalo, haha.
I have so much fun with Jessie whenever we hang out. She is almost always happy and willing to give hugs and play. I also really love her family and am so appreciative of everything that her mom and dad do for me. In the long run, Jessie will have only been a direct part of my life for a moment, but the influence she's had on my heart and spirit will last forever and ever. Super cheesy, I know, but very, very true.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
A Little Bit of This and A Little Bit of That
My sleeping habits have been AWFUL lately, and the other night I was up until 4 talking to my friend online. I didn't think it would effect me too badly, but last night I couldn't sleep until 5 so I left work early today because I was woozy and dizzy from only getting 1 hour of sleep. And now here I am again at 12:30 facing the choice of finishing my laundry because I'm fresh out of clean undies, or trying to get some shut eye at a semi-decent hour. Oh brother. Gone are the good ol' days of being 18 or 19 years old, able to stay up all night and survive off of 2-3 hours of sleep every night. Maybe something in me is rebelling against my real age and trying to be young again and that's why I cant sleep lately. Or I've just been doing pretty well in most areas of my life, and subconsciously I'm self-sabotaging. Hmmm...could that be reason #9 I'm crazy?
I taught the lesson at our stake YSA FHE (Young Single Adult Family Home Evening --Mormons seriously have their own language) and I think it went well. I didn't prepare for it as much as I should have, but luckily the kids there were willing and able to have a discussion and made lots of really good comments. That made my job a lot easier. I HATE having to sit through 45 minute lessons where the speaker doesn't ask any questions or allow comments. It's boring and I don't get anything out of it. The whole point of YSA FHE is that we're all about the same age living similar experiences, so we have a lot to learn from each other. I just wanted to give us a chance to do that. Hopefully the adults in charge of FHE took note and will encourage future teachers to give lessons that are conducive to good discussions.
Six week school terms are totally the way to go. I'm already halfway done with this term! It goes so fast I don't have time to be lazy.
I had a run-in at the gym this weekend with a crazy old hairy fat man named Don. He got me kicked out of the steam room. When I talked to management about it the next day, they assured me that they hated Don (apparently he tattled on someone one time for sweating too much while exercising...no joke) and that I had been in the right the day before. The employee who kicked me out will be informed of the actual steam room rules. I am glad, because I feared that my favorite part of the gym was going to be stolen away from me. I looooove the steam room so much -- way more than a regular old sauna. I would just like to end this tonight by telling that crazy man who has nothing better to do than follow people around and try and get them in trouble when they're not doing anything wrong:
Don, suck it.
I taught the lesson at our stake YSA FHE (Young Single Adult Family Home Evening --Mormons seriously have their own language) and I think it went well. I didn't prepare for it as much as I should have, but luckily the kids there were willing and able to have a discussion and made lots of really good comments. That made my job a lot easier. I HATE having to sit through 45 minute lessons where the speaker doesn't ask any questions or allow comments. It's boring and I don't get anything out of it. The whole point of YSA FHE is that we're all about the same age living similar experiences, so we have a lot to learn from each other. I just wanted to give us a chance to do that. Hopefully the adults in charge of FHE took note and will encourage future teachers to give lessons that are conducive to good discussions.
Six week school terms are totally the way to go. I'm already halfway done with this term! It goes so fast I don't have time to be lazy.
I had a run-in at the gym this weekend with a crazy old hairy fat man named Don. He got me kicked out of the steam room. When I talked to management about it the next day, they assured me that they hated Don (apparently he tattled on someone one time for sweating too much while exercising...no joke) and that I had been in the right the day before. The employee who kicked me out will be informed of the actual steam room rules. I am glad, because I feared that my favorite part of the gym was going to be stolen away from me. I looooove the steam room so much -- way more than a regular old sauna. I would just like to end this tonight by telling that crazy man who has nothing better to do than follow people around and try and get them in trouble when they're not doing anything wrong:
Don, suck it.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I'll Consider Your Votes
Ok, jeez, apparently my adorable Mark Ruffalo is NOT sexy enough for some people so here are some other options I'll consider for marriage, or I'd settle for just a sexy romp in the hay if that's what it came down to.
I don't know if you'll like this guy if you don't like Mark Ruffalo. What can I say? I'm drawn to the puppy dog eyes I guess.
Pure sex appeal with this guy. Seeing him and listening to that sexy accent makes my pulse race and my palms a little sweaty.
Ok, last (but not least)...How could you NOT want a guy with this much sexy confidence...Rawr!
So there you are. Brad Pitt's turning into a baby-collecting elder so he's out but I'm still open to other suggestions.
In other news, two weddings are coming up in which I'll be forced to wear a fancy dress. If that doesn't motivate me to finally lose this weight, I don't know what will. Here's hoping that I'll be lookin' good by the end of August/September...
I don't know if you'll like this guy if you don't like Mark Ruffalo. What can I say? I'm drawn to the puppy dog eyes I guess.
Pure sex appeal with this guy. Seeing him and listening to that sexy accent makes my pulse race and my palms a little sweaty.
Ok, last (but not least)...How could you NOT want a guy with this much sexy confidence...Rawr!
So there you are. Brad Pitt's turning into a baby-collecting elder so he's out but I'm still open to other suggestions.
In other news, two weddings are coming up in which I'll be forced to wear a fancy dress. If that doesn't motivate me to finally lose this weight, I don't know what will. Here's hoping that I'll be lookin' good by the end of August/September...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Random
This is who I am convinced I am going to marry. No seriously, I will find him and he will be mine. Somehow, someway, someday:
So I finished my semester a couple of weeks ago and I checked my grades this week, peaking with one eye because I was bracing myself for some C-ish grades. But apparently I am either really lucky or just really bad at calculating grades on my own because I totally got 3 A's and 1 A-minus. I am super excited, but I also feel a little funny about one class in particular. The grade for that class is supposed to be based on 10 weekly assignments (I only did 8) and two 6-7 page papers (I turned in one a month late and didn't do the other one at all). Yet I somehow got an A. What the...? It was my world religion class, and I always participated in class and so I guess my teacher just pictured me as a good student in her head based on that and ignored her grade book. Is it bad that I laugh about it more than I feel guilt for it?
Reason #8 I am crazy:
I remembered last night the time when I watched a Hilary Duff movie. The whole thing. And I cried through 70% of it. I was 23 at the time.
I'm so funny, for real.
So I finished my semester a couple of weeks ago and I checked my grades this week, peaking with one eye because I was bracing myself for some C-ish grades. But apparently I am either really lucky or just really bad at calculating grades on my own because I totally got 3 A's and 1 A-minus. I am super excited, but I also feel a little funny about one class in particular. The grade for that class is supposed to be based on 10 weekly assignments (I only did 8) and two 6-7 page papers (I turned in one a month late and didn't do the other one at all). Yet I somehow got an A. What the...? It was my world religion class, and I always participated in class and so I guess my teacher just pictured me as a good student in her head based on that and ignored her grade book. Is it bad that I laugh about it more than I feel guilt for it?
Reason #8 I am crazy:
I remembered last night the time when I watched a Hilary Duff movie. The whole thing. And I cried through 70% of it. I was 23 at the time.
I'm so funny, for real.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Romans 8:16-19
The last few years have been full of ups and downs testimony-wise. Actually, a few months ago I was at my lowest point; not only doubting the truth of the LDS church, but also questioning the existence of God. There have been a series of events since that time that have slowly but surely turned me back to the path that I was on before. I am back to believing in the existence of God and believing that He is aware of me and deliberately has inspired people to come into my life who can help me in my spiritual journey.
Unrelated to my quest for a testimony, I decided to take a World Religions class this semester. I just thought it would be interesting to learn more about religions and cultures that I was unfamiliar with. I didn't realize that of course I would automatically hold each set of beliefs up against those I was raised with to see how they compared. I guess you could say that the thoughts and feelings I have experienced are due to the fact that people tend to return to whatever is familiar to them, because it is comfortable. I can't really argue with that. All I know is that it has been fascinating to learn about Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Indigenous religions, Atheism, Islam and Christianity. There are elements of each that are really wonderful and attractive. Also, there are many things that don't make any sense to me. As I take a look at these other faiths and listen to speakers who practice those faiths describe their doctrines and listen to the comments and questions of my peers, I keep on feeling stronger and stronger that The Church of Jesus Christ just makes sense. Ok, I don't get all of it and I could dwell on nitpicking all of the things I don't understand and get lost in them. But instead I am choosing to focus on how exciting it is to rediscover truths that I have been taught since birth and always taken for granted.
I've never had a problem with being LDS, and have for most of my life happily accepted its part in my life. I used to be very closed off to other faiths and belief systems. A naive part of me believed that if I opened myself up too much, I would be corrupted and weakened somehow. Well, my insatiable love for meeting interesting people and learning and collecting all of their stories didn't allow me to isolate myself for long. As I came into more frequent contact with "skaters" and "goths" and other Christians and atheists and agnostics, etc etc I fell in love with many of them and tucked my own beliefs out of sight, not out of disbelief or shame, but because I wanted to make all my new friends feel comfortable enough to share everything about themselves with me. Parading my beliefs only led to abrupt ends of conversations, or to battles attempting to convert one another.
If you tuck something away for long enough, you lose it little by little. I think that's part of what happened to me. But I really truly loved being able to adapt to different situations and form genuine and lasting relationships with people so different from myself. I don't regret it. What I am discovering, in part thanks to the class I'm taking, is that I don't have to hide my beliefs to maintain valuable and diverse relationships. And really, aren't I cheating if I expect others to reveal themselves completely to me but diminish a huge part of who I am for their "benefit"?
I'm loving life again, for a lot of different reasons. I'm feeling more like my old social self...no more panic attacks at the thought of having to sit next to strangers in class or attend church functions where I don't know anyone. I am seeing an amazing counselor who is helping me dissect myself--my present and my past--and after examining the pieces, put them back together in a much more understanding and optimistic way. I made the same mistakes that I always do in school this semester, but guess what? Instead of giving in to feelings of failure and shame I squared my shoulders and held my head high and because of that I'm finishing successfully. I thought drugs and therapy would "fix" me and my definition of being fixed was to stop making mistakes, or at least to stop making the same ones over and over. Imagine my surprise as I've learned the key isn't to stop making mistakes (although that's still a worthy goal, eventually) but instead to shift my reactions to those mistakes once they've been made. It's not about what we do wrong, but whether or not we keep fighting to do right and learn and grow and pick ourselves up each time we fall down. I'm not losing because I'm fighting a lot of the same battles. I would be losing if I had given into each of those weaknesses and had moved on to deeper and darker problems with no hope of ever recovering. But instead, I'm learning to recognize that I am a winner precisely because I have picked myself up 1,569,231 times and will continue to do so. One day I will be able to take those weaknesses, one by one, and offer them up to someone better able to permanently erase them. Until I've mastered that part of the Atonement, I'll keep fighting and winning the only way I can.
I'm rediscovering the things about myself that I used to recognize and own with confidence. One of these is my natural curiosity and ability to ask questions in church and in world religion and in biology and among friends that prompt meaningful answers. I think that asking good questions is an art, and I believe it's one of my talents. I feel confident speaking in front of my peers, and believe the things I have to say have value. I haven't believed I had anything valuable to offer for a few years now, so this is huge for me. For a long time I've been going through the motions, so on the surface most people couldn't tell just how much I was hating life and myself. I'm a really good actress. My actions haven't changed a whole lot, on the surface, but now that I am falling in love with me again I can OWN my actions and my strengths and so while others may not notice, to me I am a different person. I AM, instead of TRYING TO APPEAR TO BE.
Back to the original topic, along with falling in love with me again, I am also falling in love with the testimony that I had hidden away and almost lost, as puny as it is right now. I have never been in a serious relationship, but I imagine what I am feeling now is similar to a love-struck teenager. I can't get enough of the scriptures, I get lost for hours on LDS.org, I LOVE conversations with people of other religions who enrich my faith because of our common beliefs. I hope to have this euphoric love mature into something deep and penetrating and steadfast. I still struggle with the idea of having the ability to build a personal relationship with God. I don't think I love me quite enough yet to believe He wants to listen to my silly prayers and watch my silly life. But I sure do believe He loves my friends and family, because I love them so so much and see exactly why God would too. So, as I work on loving myself more, and reaquainting myself with old beliefs about God and His Son and the Atonement, I hope that in time a personal relationship will come. I also hope I can start to figure out the tricky business of being worthy of promptings from the Holy Ghost and of recognizing them when they come.
I know I've been all over the place in this post tonight, but I can't slow my mind or heart or fingers so I've just let everything spill out the way it wanted to. I feel full of life, and that is something I've been craving for a very long time. Thank you to all of my friends and to my family who do and don't read this. For loving me when I don't love myself because in all honesty there have been dark times when without you I would not have been able to find any motivation to keep going. And for being my link to God because I can't see or hear or feel Him, but I sure can see and hear and feel you guys and I think He knows that and uses it to help me as I limp along day by day. I appreciate your patience with me and all of my silliness and depressingness and searching.
I have no good way to end this, so I guess I'll just say Good Night.
Unrelated to my quest for a testimony, I decided to take a World Religions class this semester. I just thought it would be interesting to learn more about religions and cultures that I was unfamiliar with. I didn't realize that of course I would automatically hold each set of beliefs up against those I was raised with to see how they compared. I guess you could say that the thoughts and feelings I have experienced are due to the fact that people tend to return to whatever is familiar to them, because it is comfortable. I can't really argue with that. All I know is that it has been fascinating to learn about Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Indigenous religions, Atheism, Islam and Christianity. There are elements of each that are really wonderful and attractive. Also, there are many things that don't make any sense to me. As I take a look at these other faiths and listen to speakers who practice those faiths describe their doctrines and listen to the comments and questions of my peers, I keep on feeling stronger and stronger that The Church of Jesus Christ just makes sense. Ok, I don't get all of it and I could dwell on nitpicking all of the things I don't understand and get lost in them. But instead I am choosing to focus on how exciting it is to rediscover truths that I have been taught since birth and always taken for granted.
I've never had a problem with being LDS, and have for most of my life happily accepted its part in my life. I used to be very closed off to other faiths and belief systems. A naive part of me believed that if I opened myself up too much, I would be corrupted and weakened somehow. Well, my insatiable love for meeting interesting people and learning and collecting all of their stories didn't allow me to isolate myself for long. As I came into more frequent contact with "skaters" and "goths" and other Christians and atheists and agnostics, etc etc I fell in love with many of them and tucked my own beliefs out of sight, not out of disbelief or shame, but because I wanted to make all my new friends feel comfortable enough to share everything about themselves with me. Parading my beliefs only led to abrupt ends of conversations, or to battles attempting to convert one another.
If you tuck something away for long enough, you lose it little by little. I think that's part of what happened to me. But I really truly loved being able to adapt to different situations and form genuine and lasting relationships with people so different from myself. I don't regret it. What I am discovering, in part thanks to the class I'm taking, is that I don't have to hide my beliefs to maintain valuable and diverse relationships. And really, aren't I cheating if I expect others to reveal themselves completely to me but diminish a huge part of who I am for their "benefit"?
I'm loving life again, for a lot of different reasons. I'm feeling more like my old social self...no more panic attacks at the thought of having to sit next to strangers in class or attend church functions where I don't know anyone. I am seeing an amazing counselor who is helping me dissect myself--my present and my past--and after examining the pieces, put them back together in a much more understanding and optimistic way. I made the same mistakes that I always do in school this semester, but guess what? Instead of giving in to feelings of failure and shame I squared my shoulders and held my head high and because of that I'm finishing successfully. I thought drugs and therapy would "fix" me and my definition of being fixed was to stop making mistakes, or at least to stop making the same ones over and over. Imagine my surprise as I've learned the key isn't to stop making mistakes (although that's still a worthy goal, eventually) but instead to shift my reactions to those mistakes once they've been made. It's not about what we do wrong, but whether or not we keep fighting to do right and learn and grow and pick ourselves up each time we fall down. I'm not losing because I'm fighting a lot of the same battles. I would be losing if I had given into each of those weaknesses and had moved on to deeper and darker problems with no hope of ever recovering. But instead, I'm learning to recognize that I am a winner precisely because I have picked myself up 1,569,231 times and will continue to do so. One day I will be able to take those weaknesses, one by one, and offer them up to someone better able to permanently erase them. Until I've mastered that part of the Atonement, I'll keep fighting and winning the only way I can.
I'm rediscovering the things about myself that I used to recognize and own with confidence. One of these is my natural curiosity and ability to ask questions in church and in world religion and in biology and among friends that prompt meaningful answers. I think that asking good questions is an art, and I believe it's one of my talents. I feel confident speaking in front of my peers, and believe the things I have to say have value. I haven't believed I had anything valuable to offer for a few years now, so this is huge for me. For a long time I've been going through the motions, so on the surface most people couldn't tell just how much I was hating life and myself. I'm a really good actress. My actions haven't changed a whole lot, on the surface, but now that I am falling in love with me again I can OWN my actions and my strengths and so while others may not notice, to me I am a different person. I AM, instead of TRYING TO APPEAR TO BE.
Back to the original topic, along with falling in love with me again, I am also falling in love with the testimony that I had hidden away and almost lost, as puny as it is right now. I have never been in a serious relationship, but I imagine what I am feeling now is similar to a love-struck teenager. I can't get enough of the scriptures, I get lost for hours on LDS.org, I LOVE conversations with people of other religions who enrich my faith because of our common beliefs. I hope to have this euphoric love mature into something deep and penetrating and steadfast. I still struggle with the idea of having the ability to build a personal relationship with God. I don't think I love me quite enough yet to believe He wants to listen to my silly prayers and watch my silly life. But I sure do believe He loves my friends and family, because I love them so so much and see exactly why God would too. So, as I work on loving myself more, and reaquainting myself with old beliefs about God and His Son and the Atonement, I hope that in time a personal relationship will come. I also hope I can start to figure out the tricky business of being worthy of promptings from the Holy Ghost and of recognizing them when they come.
I know I've been all over the place in this post tonight, but I can't slow my mind or heart or fingers so I've just let everything spill out the way it wanted to. I feel full of life, and that is something I've been craving for a very long time. Thank you to all of my friends and to my family who do and don't read this. For loving me when I don't love myself because in all honesty there have been dark times when without you I would not have been able to find any motivation to keep going. And for being my link to God because I can't see or hear or feel Him, but I sure can see and hear and feel you guys and I think He knows that and uses it to help me as I limp along day by day. I appreciate your patience with me and all of my silliness and depressingness and searching.
I have no good way to end this, so I guess I'll just say Good Night.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
My Life Has Worth
All too often I question the validity of that statement. Oh sure, the lives of God's children have inherent worth. Something I readily agree with on a grand scale. But my own life? Sometimes I feel like there are just too many things I do wrong and too many mistakes I keep making over and over again and as a result the worth of my life is steadily depreciating as time goes on.
Our experience here on earth (and arguably pre and post earth as well) is a series of seemingly random dots thrown on a page. I fall into the trap of looking at the dots individually and judging myself and the life I've lead thus far based on those selective observations. And then sometimes I am lucky enough to have moments where lines form to connect some of those dots and a larger picture begins to appear. Suddenly “bad” dots are no longer evidence of my failure but instead proof that I am living my life and growing everyday. Without my weaknesses and trials and mistakes, my picture would be incomplete and much less beautiful.
I went to therapy today thinking it would be a wasted $75 because I couldn’t think of anything worthwhile to talk about. When my therapist asked me what I wanted to discuss I grasped at the first straw that came to mind and blurted out that I was happy because I went to the gym yesterday. What the?? I am such a dork, but amazingly that inane comment led to a discussion where I found myself experiencing so many “a-ha’s” that I used up 4 pages of notebook paper to record them all after my session. SO MANY snippets of realizations and lessons and analyzations (yeah I know, not a word, but whatever) that I have accumulated over the last 5 years were organized into a beautiful mirror that I could look into and see myself more clearly reflected. The hour was worth every penny and then some.
On an unrelated note (except it falls into the category of things that make me incredibly happy), as I was leaving class last Thursday I was hit by a wave of the most BEAUTIFUL smell. I looked around trying to find the source of the scent but could only see bushes with no flowers. The smell was so amazing that I text messaged my friend who attends the same campus and gave him specific directions about where to go to experience this gift to the nostrils.
I’ve always had a significant appreciation for the beauty found on this earth (my favorite hymn is “My Heavenly Father Loves Me). I’ve seen sunsets that take my breath away and I’ve been up until almost dawn in the canyons of Provo gazing up at the clear night sky and all the stars in it. There are few things better in life than spinning and dancing with arms outstretched in a downpour of rain. And the list goes on. In all my 24+ years, none of those things have given me such intense and lasting pleasure as the smell outside my classroom on Thursday.
Coincidently, I was watching my two girls on Saturday while Mister and Sister Stake President went on a date and when they came home, Mister S.P. handed me a small cluster of beautiful and velvety four-pedaled white flowers with tinges of lavender that he had plucked off of a bush outside the restaurant they ate at. As I brought the cluster closer to my face for examination, THE scent hit me. It turns out these amazing little flowers that smell of sweetness and childhood and roses and citrus are called Daphne Odorus.
I went back to the spot at school where they first came into my life and found clusters of them by the hundreds. I’m sure some of my peers at school today had quite a laugh as they watched me pull flowers out of my purse and drink in their scent over and over again. (Reason number 7 I’m crazy?)
Well this is all very dramatic (I’m nothing if not a drama-queen) but I think that whenever I see and smell these flowers, they will remind me of today and of all the wonderful things I learned about myself and my life and my Heavenly Father. And I am grateful.
Our experience here on earth (and arguably pre and post earth as well) is a series of seemingly random dots thrown on a page. I fall into the trap of looking at the dots individually and judging myself and the life I've lead thus far based on those selective observations. And then sometimes I am lucky enough to have moments where lines form to connect some of those dots and a larger picture begins to appear. Suddenly “bad” dots are no longer evidence of my failure but instead proof that I am living my life and growing everyday. Without my weaknesses and trials and mistakes, my picture would be incomplete and much less beautiful.
I went to therapy today thinking it would be a wasted $75 because I couldn’t think of anything worthwhile to talk about. When my therapist asked me what I wanted to discuss I grasped at the first straw that came to mind and blurted out that I was happy because I went to the gym yesterday. What the?? I am such a dork, but amazingly that inane comment led to a discussion where I found myself experiencing so many “a-ha’s” that I used up 4 pages of notebook paper to record them all after my session. SO MANY snippets of realizations and lessons and analyzations (yeah I know, not a word, but whatever) that I have accumulated over the last 5 years were organized into a beautiful mirror that I could look into and see myself more clearly reflected. The hour was worth every penny and then some.
On an unrelated note (except it falls into the category of things that make me incredibly happy), as I was leaving class last Thursday I was hit by a wave of the most BEAUTIFUL smell. I looked around trying to find the source of the scent but could only see bushes with no flowers. The smell was so amazing that I text messaged my friend who attends the same campus and gave him specific directions about where to go to experience this gift to the nostrils.
I’ve always had a significant appreciation for the beauty found on this earth (my favorite hymn is “My Heavenly Father Loves Me). I’ve seen sunsets that take my breath away and I’ve been up until almost dawn in the canyons of Provo gazing up at the clear night sky and all the stars in it. There are few things better in life than spinning and dancing with arms outstretched in a downpour of rain. And the list goes on. In all my 24+ years, none of those things have given me such intense and lasting pleasure as the smell outside my classroom on Thursday.
Coincidently, I was watching my two girls on Saturday while Mister and Sister Stake President went on a date and when they came home, Mister S.P. handed me a small cluster of beautiful and velvety four-pedaled white flowers with tinges of lavender that he had plucked off of a bush outside the restaurant they ate at. As I brought the cluster closer to my face for examination, THE scent hit me. It turns out these amazing little flowers that smell of sweetness and childhood and roses and citrus are called Daphne Odorus.
I went back to the spot at school where they first came into my life and found clusters of them by the hundreds. I’m sure some of my peers at school today had quite a laugh as they watched me pull flowers out of my purse and drink in their scent over and over again. (Reason number 7 I’m crazy?)
Well this is all very dramatic (I’m nothing if not a drama-queen) but I think that whenever I see and smell these flowers, they will remind me of today and of all the wonderful things I learned about myself and my life and my Heavenly Father. And I am grateful.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Long Overdue
Ok, I went to SoCal over a month ago but I was cleaning my apartment this morning and found a notebook where Bostody and I had categorized and ranked all of our favorite people/weirdos that we met...mostly in LA, but some in Bakersfield as well. I'd like to write about what made each one so funny/awesome/creepy before I forget altogether so, here goes. (I SO wish we had taken pictures, but we only took pictures of one.)
Honorable Mentions (Memorable, but not quite awesome or creepy enough for the other lists):
4. The Motel 6 Crew
Ok, this should be more than one entry but whatever. First there was Susannah. She was a very "butch" lady and I thought it was funny that her name was so feminine. She is one of 2 people in our lists that we remember by her real name. She was the front desk girl who was checked us in and then was there everyday to answer our ridiculous questions. She was always nice even when I could tell we were really annoying her. Her one flaw is that she was a big fat liar. We asked her if there was a microwave in the hotel and she said no, nowhere without blinking an eye. That leads me to Stan the Popcorn Man and Frankie, the night desk guys who round out this "crew". On our first night in the hotel, Bostody and I were REALLY craving the Homestyle Popcorn we had brought with us and we decided that Susannah must have been lying and so we would find a microwave in that damn hotel if it were the last thing we did! Luckily for us, we are both super hot and really persuasive and were able to convince Stan the Popcorn Man to use the super-secret employee microwave in our behalf using our feminine wiles. (I think I just realized that I've only heard that word spoken aloud and therefore have no idea how to spell it...whiles, wyles?) Ok, the truth is we just asked him to use the employee microwave in the back (that we had no proof existed) to pop our popcorn and he didn't even balk. I think that is more because we are bossy than because we are seductive. Frankie was the night guy the next night who also popped for us without question, although he gave us some weird looks because that was the night we played "America's Next Top Model" and ratted our hair and smeared vasoline all over our faces for our photo shoot.
3. "Uh, You Got Some Sh** in Yo Teeth" Guy
Ok, we probably could have come up with a better name than that but that is the only thing this guy said to us in like 3 hours and so that is just what we called him. While still in Bakersfield, Bostody and I went with two of her bestest friends to the Crystal Palace for Karaoke night. This place had TONS of memorable peeps in it, some of whom will be described later. Anyways, we sat at a table in the back and 3 "Pretty Fly for White Guys" sat at a bar behind us. You know the type...the hats with the big, flat brims angled off to one side, those fluffy tennis shoes, low and baggy jeans, etc. At one point after we had befriended the boys, we asked them to take pictures of us with brownies smeared all over our teeth. Two of them thought that was hilarious and the third guy just sat there quietly staring at us. After the pics were taken and we sat down to wipe off the gunk, he calmly pointed at us and said "..." well, you know.
2. Ogden boy.
Maybe this guy shouldn't be on the list because I already don't remember why we thought he was funny. I'll just say he was from Ogden and we thought that it was random for a Utah native to end up in a Bakersfield WalMart as a mechanic.
1. Hot Gay Couple.
Bostody and I really debated whether these two were worthy of the top list but eventually agreed to make them honorable mentions, considering that we never talked to them or even made eye contact with them. They attended Wicked the same night as us and sat maybe 6 rows ahead of us. And they were VERY good looking! I really only looked at one of them (I'd say 90% of the time) but Bostody looked at both equally. I bet if people in the theater were watching us (side note, wouldn't it be SO awesome if we made someone's list as Hot Lesbian Couple even though we are not even lesbian?) they probably thought we were really weird for gawking (seriously, mouths open-trying not to blink so we don't miss a milisecond of taking in their beauty-gawking) at the Gay Couple for so long. But man, they were SO GOOD LOOKING!
Dang it, I just realized as I was looking over our list that we made it prematurely because we met some of our favorite people our last day in LA. I'll just add them to the Top 5 list, even though Bostody would yell at me that that is NOT allowed. But it's my description and my blog, so I'll do what I want. -Blows rasberry in Bostody's general direction.-
Before moving on to the next list, I'll add the Not Shy Lesbian couple to this honorable mention one. On our last night in LA, Bostody and I went to a little Italian restaurant off of Hollywood Blvd. It was very crowded in there and we ended up getting seated RIGHT next to these two pretty women (they were sitting on the same bench as me and our tables were only 8 inches apart.) At first I just thought they were really good friends like Bostody and I. But after they had downed half a jug of wine I noticed they were sitting unusually close together and then realized that the Brunette was stroking the Blonde's thigh. Ok, maybe they were just REALLY good friends. Then, after enough time had passed for them to finish the jug-o-wine, I was in the middle of a sentence when Bostody's jaw dropped open and she stopped listening to me. I glanced over to see what she was looking at and the two ladies next to us were full-on making out and groping each other. We ended up talking to them later (after they had pried themselves apart) and had a very nice conversation. On a related note, I would just like to say that after my trip to Los Angeles I think that L.A. is the Gay capitol of the world. I've been to San Francisco and I live in Portland and neither one even compared to the sheer number of homosexual couples flooding the streets of L.A. Maybe there was a convention the weekend I was there or something. Haha. (disclaimer, I don't think I am being offensive in these descriptions, but I fear I may be like The Office's Michael and saying all kinds of stuff that is politically incorrect. So if I am, I'm sorry and I only have good intentions.)
All right, I really need to go to bed so I'll leave it here for now. Next up...the creepiest people we met and then THE BIG 5 BEST PEOPLE in SoCal!
Honorable Mentions (Memorable, but not quite awesome or creepy enough for the other lists):
4. The Motel 6 Crew
Ok, this should be more than one entry but whatever. First there was Susannah. She was a very "butch" lady and I thought it was funny that her name was so feminine. She is one of 2 people in our lists that we remember by her real name. She was the front desk girl who was checked us in and then was there everyday to answer our ridiculous questions. She was always nice even when I could tell we were really annoying her. Her one flaw is that she was a big fat liar. We asked her if there was a microwave in the hotel and she said no, nowhere without blinking an eye. That leads me to Stan the Popcorn Man and Frankie, the night desk guys who round out this "crew". On our first night in the hotel, Bostody and I were REALLY craving the Homestyle Popcorn we had brought with us and we decided that Susannah must have been lying and so we would find a microwave in that damn hotel if it were the last thing we did! Luckily for us, we are both super hot and really persuasive and were able to convince Stan the Popcorn Man to use the super-secret employee microwave in our behalf using our feminine wiles. (I think I just realized that I've only heard that word spoken aloud and therefore have no idea how to spell it...whiles, wyles?) Ok, the truth is we just asked him to use the employee microwave in the back (that we had no proof existed) to pop our popcorn and he didn't even balk. I think that is more because we are bossy than because we are seductive. Frankie was the night guy the next night who also popped for us without question, although he gave us some weird looks because that was the night we played "America's Next Top Model" and ratted our hair and smeared vasoline all over our faces for our photo shoot.
3. "Uh, You Got Some Sh** in Yo Teeth" Guy
Ok, we probably could have come up with a better name than that but that is the only thing this guy said to us in like 3 hours and so that is just what we called him. While still in Bakersfield, Bostody and I went with two of her bestest friends to the Crystal Palace for Karaoke night. This place had TONS of memorable peeps in it, some of whom will be described later. Anyways, we sat at a table in the back and 3 "Pretty Fly for White Guys" sat at a bar behind us. You know the type...the hats with the big, flat brims angled off to one side, those fluffy tennis shoes, low and baggy jeans, etc. At one point after we had befriended the boys, we asked them to take pictures of us with brownies smeared all over our teeth. Two of them thought that was hilarious and the third guy just sat there quietly staring at us. After the pics were taken and we sat down to wipe off the gunk, he calmly pointed at us and said "..." well, you know.
2. Ogden boy.
Maybe this guy shouldn't be on the list because I already don't remember why we thought he was funny. I'll just say he was from Ogden and we thought that it was random for a Utah native to end up in a Bakersfield WalMart as a mechanic.
1. Hot Gay Couple.
Bostody and I really debated whether these two were worthy of the top list but eventually agreed to make them honorable mentions, considering that we never talked to them or even made eye contact with them. They attended Wicked the same night as us and sat maybe 6 rows ahead of us. And they were VERY good looking! I really only looked at one of them (I'd say 90% of the time) but Bostody looked at both equally. I bet if people in the theater were watching us (side note, wouldn't it be SO awesome if we made someone's list as Hot Lesbian Couple even though we are not even lesbian?) they probably thought we were really weird for gawking (seriously, mouths open-trying not to blink so we don't miss a milisecond of taking in their beauty-gawking) at the Gay Couple for so long. But man, they were SO GOOD LOOKING!
Dang it, I just realized as I was looking over our list that we made it prematurely because we met some of our favorite people our last day in LA. I'll just add them to the Top 5 list, even though Bostody would yell at me that that is NOT allowed. But it's my description and my blog, so I'll do what I want. -Blows rasberry in Bostody's general direction.-
Before moving on to the next list, I'll add the Not Shy Lesbian couple to this honorable mention one. On our last night in LA, Bostody and I went to a little Italian restaurant off of Hollywood Blvd. It was very crowded in there and we ended up getting seated RIGHT next to these two pretty women (they were sitting on the same bench as me and our tables were only 8 inches apart.) At first I just thought they were really good friends like Bostody and I. But after they had downed half a jug of wine I noticed they were sitting unusually close together and then realized that the Brunette was stroking the Blonde's thigh. Ok, maybe they were just REALLY good friends. Then, after enough time had passed for them to finish the jug-o-wine, I was in the middle of a sentence when Bostody's jaw dropped open and she stopped listening to me. I glanced over to see what she was looking at and the two ladies next to us were full-on making out and groping each other. We ended up talking to them later (after they had pried themselves apart) and had a very nice conversation. On a related note, I would just like to say that after my trip to Los Angeles I think that L.A. is the Gay capitol of the world. I've been to San Francisco and I live in Portland and neither one even compared to the sheer number of homosexual couples flooding the streets of L.A. Maybe there was a convention the weekend I was there or something. Haha. (disclaimer, I don't think I am being offensive in these descriptions, but I fear I may be like The Office's Michael and saying all kinds of stuff that is politically incorrect. So if I am, I'm sorry and I only have good intentions.)
All right, I really need to go to bed so I'll leave it here for now. Next up...the creepiest people we met and then THE BIG 5 BEST PEOPLE in SoCal!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Weird Mood
Is it strange for me to feel like I really do have a testimony but not be able to explain why or exactly what it consists of? Because that's how I feel. I guess that sounds like I'm just a blind follower or somewhat dimwitted and lazy. The lazy part I can't disagree with. It's something I'm working on, both spiritually and in other aspects of my life. A month or two ago I was so confused and tired with every aspect of my life, including religion, that I was on the verge of just walking away from everything about my lifestyle which largely revolves around church practices and teachings. I have a few friends who have done just that, some pretty recently. Some things happened to switch my path in a direction leading back towards the Church and I don't regret it, but sometimes I look at that other path leading away with a lot of curiosity.
I have many thoughts related to the first paragraph, but they are not really coherent so I'll stop there. Do you know the reason why I want to get married? (Well besides the obvious "it's nice to love and be loved" and "sex is fun" stuff, haha.) Mostly it's because I miss having really good conversations on a regular basis. My imagined future spouse will be very smart and entertaining and an amazing conversationalist who will listen to me and give me good things to listen to and he will give me insights to the world and to myself on a regular basis. I have had friends who are like this, but the difference between a friend and a spouse is that one is stuck with me and is available on a daily basis while friends (even the best ones) tend to come and go as much as I don't want them to. My preconceived notions about marriage don't include stuff like "we'll never fight" or "it will be so wonderful and easy" but instead I imagine (probably falsely) that we will at least always find each other interesting.
The funniest thing I've seen in months and months was when I was driving to the movie theater 2 weeks ago on a 2-lane country road and saw in the oncoming lane a little old hunched man in a motorized wheelchair pushing the forward switch with one hand while eating popcorn with the other. He was smack-dab in the middle of the lane and couldn't have been moving faster than 7 mph and there were 6 cars and trucks backed up behind him, but by golly he was enjoying the scenery and the popcorn and just did not give a damn about anyone else on the road. After I passed him I watched in the rearview mirror as all 6 cars and trucks zoomed around him and I laughed and laughed the rest of the way to the theater. Life sometimes throws the BEST things at you when you least expect it!
I have many thoughts related to the first paragraph, but they are not really coherent so I'll stop there. Do you know the reason why I want to get married? (Well besides the obvious "it's nice to love and be loved" and "sex is fun" stuff, haha.) Mostly it's because I miss having really good conversations on a regular basis. My imagined future spouse will be very smart and entertaining and an amazing conversationalist who will listen to me and give me good things to listen to and he will give me insights to the world and to myself on a regular basis. I have had friends who are like this, but the difference between a friend and a spouse is that one is stuck with me and is available on a daily basis while friends (even the best ones) tend to come and go as much as I don't want them to. My preconceived notions about marriage don't include stuff like "we'll never fight" or "it will be so wonderful and easy" but instead I imagine (probably falsely) that we will at least always find each other interesting.
The funniest thing I've seen in months and months was when I was driving to the movie theater 2 weeks ago on a 2-lane country road and saw in the oncoming lane a little old hunched man in a motorized wheelchair pushing the forward switch with one hand while eating popcorn with the other. He was smack-dab in the middle of the lane and couldn't have been moving faster than 7 mph and there were 6 cars and trucks backed up behind him, but by golly he was enjoying the scenery and the popcorn and just did not give a damn about anyone else on the road. After I passed him I watched in the rearview mirror as all 6 cars and trucks zoomed around him and I laughed and laughed the rest of the way to the theater. Life sometimes throws the BEST things at you when you least expect it!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Memory Lane
I've been so down in the dumps the last few weeks, I've forgotten what *this* feels like...to be smiley and giggly for hours straight without it being manic. Just good old fashioned happiness. I've been going through old emails all day and can I just say that my best friend is freaking hilarious?! And she's the funniest when she isn't even really trying to be. Here's some quotes from her emails back in the day (2001-2003)
1. Anyway... lets end on a happpier note...hmm what to write... oh ok ! On my cruise one night after dinner I had drank like 7 cokes so I had to pee like nothin else. So my mom, sister and I booked it to our cabin, and of course steff and mom went to the bathroom before me so when it was finally my turn to get in the bathroom I thought for sure I was going to pee my paints (Actually I was wearing a skirt), and to make matters worse I had my tummy tucker on!. So after I pulled down skirt, took off the tucker I sat down and began to pee, but something was differnt. 1/2 of the tolet was the typical cold smooth feeling, and the other was warm and soft. So l looked down and my mom's underwear were under me and well I had peed all over them! At this point it didn't hit what had happed, so I yelled at my mom. I could not think of why the heck she would put her underwear on the tolet when she knew I had to pee. Then I thought about what I had yelled at my mom about, and told her I just peed all over her panties. Then for at least 20 mins I could not stop laughing. I drenched my moms
2. Yesterday was such a great day! I had a blast with the boys. We found this HUGE hill and went down it a couple of times. well, actually the guys just went down it, I went down it 1 and 1/2 times, and I hurt my face. OK let me tell you the story......
I just got dne walking this HUGE hill, and i was out of breath, and i was a little emabrassed, but i was ok. So, I let dana and grant go before me and they were going to " catch" me at the bottum of this HUGE hill. I was sitting on top of the hill, and some girl was there with me. I turned to her and said, " man, I really don't want to fall off and do something like.. I dunno break my face." And the girl just kind of looked at me and said, " yeah i know what you mean."
Then i hopped onto my sled and away i went!!! Oh brother,,,, I spun around and went right off the edge of the hill. And landed face first in the snow! The snow was... i dunno a foot deep, and just powder so when i flipped around and landed on my face, i didn't roll or anything. I went up and then came down and stopped. And if my body could have done this it would have made a nice little fart noise when i landed. when i got my head out of the snow all i could hear was the guys laughing at me
3. i got the song " back to you" and i liked it. the other song about sex weirded me out so i put it in the trash (talking about Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer...I'd just like to point out this was BEFORE he was popular)
4. my english teacher is also a riot! But not in a homosexual way.
5. hey, I forgot to tell you something.... the other day my sister and I were play fighting, not real fighting... and she kicked me in the butt and I peed all over the place!
6. I have decided that I can't stand mice. They drive me nuts and are horrible and gross and have rabies.
And last but not least, a spiritual lesson taught in a way only my best friend could teach it...
7. I went roller bladding last sunday instead of watching General Conference and I realize that I am a sinner. And, because I sinned I think I have been cursed. On the inside of my right foot I have one hugly massive blister. This isnt' just another blister everyone gets... Jess, this thing is HUGE! Yesterday green puss was coming out of it, and I know it is going to leave a huge ol scar. And then the kids step all over my feet and I have to fight back tears. It is just horrible. SO from now on, I am not going to miss important church things like General conference.!
She doesn't know I have a blog, and I didn't give her name so hopefully she never finds out I posted these, but I don't think anyone really reads this anyways so I guess it's ok that I quoted her on the internet. My good mood spilled over from reading these to my class tonight and I had a grand old time passing a note back and forth with my friend for 3 hours. It was like high school all over again, and I loved it!
I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but tonight I am grateful for my break from sadness.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Nevermind
Apparently I just don't like to be touched. I crave it but then hate it when it happens. I seriously am a freak. A mood-swingy, unmotivated, doesn't know what she wants or needs crazy person. For reals. I believe that because I recognize and take ownership of my craziness, it helps people around me to not hate me. Maybe I'm deluding myself though and I really do annoy my friends and family as much as I'm afraid I do.
Went to the doctor and got happy pills. Again. Apparently since this is the third time I've had to do it, now I have to stay on them indefinitely and never be weaned off, according to my doctor. And she wants me to see a counselor which is fine because I've been thinking about doing that anyway. But how does one go about finding a counselor? Especially one who won't try and make me talk about why I should hate my parents, because I don't and I don't want to.
I hate that I'm here in my life again. It leaves me tired and wondering if it's really worth it.
Went to the doctor and got happy pills. Again. Apparently since this is the third time I've had to do it, now I have to stay on them indefinitely and never be weaned off, according to my doctor. And she wants me to see a counselor which is fine because I've been thinking about doing that anyway. But how does one go about finding a counselor? Especially one who won't try and make me talk about why I should hate my parents, because I don't and I don't want to.
I hate that I'm here in my life again. It leaves me tired and wondering if it's really worth it.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
mel-an-chol-y: 1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression
One of my greatest wishes is to have someone who loves me put both their arms around me and just sit with me and let me cry and cry. Probably just knowing I had someone like that would make the need for them go away. Feeling sadness so strongly that you can't breathe well or stand up straight is especially hard when you have to feel it alone.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Reason #5 I Am Crazy
I had a dream last night that some guy in a house next door was tethered to a tree by his arms and he had to stand that way all day everyday. And I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. Also in that dream, two random guys from middle school were walking past tree-boy and I told them to be nice to him or I'd kick their butts. Yet I made no move to untether him.
My dreams are so weird and have the most random people in them. I have not seen those 2 boys in 7 or 8 years and we were never friends in school, and there they were in my head for no apparent reason. (Tether boy was a made up person that I didn't recognize so that's good I guess.)
My dreams are so weird and have the most random people in them. I have not seen those 2 boys in 7 or 8 years and we were never friends in school, and there they were in my head for no apparent reason. (Tether boy was a made up person that I didn't recognize so that's good I guess.)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Sometimes I Hate Naming Things (like blog entries)
Well I have been especially short tempered, easily annoyed and prone to tears the last week or so. I also have been losing motivation fast to attend my classes and do any schoolwork. I'm 85% sure it's directly linked to what time of the month it is, but I'll know for sure in just over a week. I really hope it's that and not the onset of another bout with depression. Sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.
I went to Tacoma last night to my favorite cousin's wedding open house. (He got married in North Carolina last week.) I like his new wife. It's always nice to see two people fall in love and get married who really "match." He reassured me that my turn would soon follow and it made me laugh that he thought celebrating his marriage would make me mourn my own lack of marriage prospects. (It didn't, by the way. Surprisingly sometimes I can think of others without thinking of myself too, haha.)
Before travelling to Tacoma yesterday, I attended my first ever Super Saturday for Relief Society. The ladies in charge even made me "teach" a class making vertical boards with wood blocks and wood letters that said "Ho Ho Ho." They were all cut out so everyone just painted the peices and glued them together. Of course mine was the worst of the bunch, but I just pretended it wasn't and bossed everyone on how to make their own anyways, haha. Is it bad that while we were making the boards I was laughing to myself because of something I heard in high school? A friend of mine back then told me about a school spirit assembly in which she and some others were ramping up the student body for that night's football game against a rival high school. One of their methods was to put on santa hats and shout "Everyday is Christmas at (insert name of rival school here). Ho ho ho." It was widely known that this particular school's student body was more permiscuous than usual, even to the point of needing a daycare IN the highschool. And since I heard that story I have never been able to think of Santa's refrain without giggling a little to myself, even at church activities.
...........................................................................
And now it's two days later. I am tired. I wonder if I'm too selfish with my time to ever be a good mother. Brain too tired for further explanation or musing on the subject. Good night.
I went to Tacoma last night to my favorite cousin's wedding open house. (He got married in North Carolina last week.) I like his new wife. It's always nice to see two people fall in love and get married who really "match." He reassured me that my turn would soon follow and it made me laugh that he thought celebrating his marriage would make me mourn my own lack of marriage prospects. (It didn't, by the way. Surprisingly sometimes I can think of others without thinking of myself too, haha.)
Before travelling to Tacoma yesterday, I attended my first ever Super Saturday for Relief Society. The ladies in charge even made me "teach" a class making vertical boards with wood blocks and wood letters that said "Ho Ho Ho." They were all cut out so everyone just painted the peices and glued them together. Of course mine was the worst of the bunch, but I just pretended it wasn't and bossed everyone on how to make their own anyways, haha. Is it bad that while we were making the boards I was laughing to myself because of something I heard in high school? A friend of mine back then told me about a school spirit assembly in which she and some others were ramping up the student body for that night's football game against a rival high school. One of their methods was to put on santa hats and shout "Everyday is Christmas at (insert name of rival school here). Ho ho ho." It was widely known that this particular school's student body was more permiscuous than usual, even to the point of needing a daycare IN the highschool. And since I heard that story I have never been able to think of Santa's refrain without giggling a little to myself, even at church activities.
...........................................................................
And now it's two days later. I am tired. I wonder if I'm too selfish with my time to ever be a good mother. Brain too tired for further explanation or musing on the subject. Good night.
Friday, October 12, 2007
I be Smrt
Ok, I do NOT recommend going to this site to get your iq results because they force you to go through about a bazillion ads (the fact that I said "bazillion" really proves how smart I am...haha) but it was a stroke to my ego that I got a 124, rated as "superior." I wish I really was of superior intelligence, but alas I do things to disprove that everyday.
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Monday, October 08, 2007
Gnashing of Teeth
So here's another reason I think I might (may?) be crazy. Sometimes if someone isn't willing to punish me for my bad choices, I will inflict self-punishment instead. I did this last week in my psychology class. We have had to write two papers so far this semester, and I turned the first paper in late. I talked to the professor about it and she graciously gave me full points even though it states in the syllabus that we will be docked 5 points/day that a paper is late. When I was writing the second paper, I waited until the last minute to start and then got really frustrated because I couldn't find all the resources I needed and so I didn't get it finished on time. I was going to e-mail the teacher and ask her for some more guidance, but since I had turned in the first paper late without penalty I did not want her to give me full points again. Before I got the chance to contact her, she e-mailed me and said that I could turn it in late again with no penalty.
And so I just never turned it in. I finished it but didn't give it to her. I don't want to feel like I am manipulating someone in order to get special favors and so I punished myself since she wasn't willing to do it.
Today my biology professor handed back a paper I had written for that class. I thought I had done well on the paper and so I was surprised to get it back with A LOT of red ink all over it. Now, I have gotten several bad grades in the past due to laziness...I don't show up to class enough or I just don't turn in assignments, but when I do my work, I do it very well. And so that red ink caused my blood pressure to rise just a little. But then when I read the comments, my blood started to BOIL!
-side note- I am writing this in my school's computer lab while I wait for a friend, and someone in here keeps letting out the most rancid farts and it is grossing me out AND making me laugh too
Ok, back to the subject, I got docked points because my paper wasn't detailed enough. My paper wasn't detailed enough because it was limited to one page, and I had written it double-spaced (what teacher nowadays asks for single spaced??). Now, when I was writing the paper I remember getting frustrated because I kept having to edit and re-edit my information to get it down to the bare minimum so it would fit on one page. So my professor took away enough points to make my grade an 85% (I know, not awful...but I would have gotten 100% if I hadn't misunderstood the directions) and then, to add insult to injury she wrote "you need to use single space - don't use double to hide that there isn't a full page here."
I have never in my life tried to manipulate the format of my paper to hide the fact that I didn't have enough information. Like I said before, either I don't do my work at all or I do it really well. I was pissed all through class!
Mad at one teacher for punishing me unjustly and equally annoyed with another for not punishing me when it was deserved. I am a freak.
And so I just never turned it in. I finished it but didn't give it to her. I don't want to feel like I am manipulating someone in order to get special favors and so I punished myself since she wasn't willing to do it.
Today my biology professor handed back a paper I had written for that class. I thought I had done well on the paper and so I was surprised to get it back with A LOT of red ink all over it. Now, I have gotten several bad grades in the past due to laziness...I don't show up to class enough or I just don't turn in assignments, but when I do my work, I do it very well. And so that red ink caused my blood pressure to rise just a little. But then when I read the comments, my blood started to BOIL!
-side note- I am writing this in my school's computer lab while I wait for a friend, and someone in here keeps letting out the most rancid farts and it is grossing me out AND making me laugh too
Ok, back to the subject, I got docked points because my paper wasn't detailed enough. My paper wasn't detailed enough because it was limited to one page, and I had written it double-spaced (what teacher nowadays asks for single spaced??). Now, when I was writing the paper I remember getting frustrated because I kept having to edit and re-edit my information to get it down to the bare minimum so it would fit on one page. So my professor took away enough points to make my grade an 85% (I know, not awful...but I would have gotten 100% if I hadn't misunderstood the directions) and then, to add insult to injury she wrote "you need to use single space - don't use double to hide that there isn't a full page here."
I have never in my life tried to manipulate the format of my paper to hide the fact that I didn't have enough information. Like I said before, either I don't do my work at all or I do it really well. I was pissed all through class!
Mad at one teacher for punishing me unjustly and equally annoyed with another for not punishing me when it was deserved. I am a freak.
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