Random

I know I said my next post would be about Logger's Jubilee, but I'm too lazy to post all the pictures right now. Instead I found this cute picture of Kelsey and my mom and I. I look kind of gross in it, and who knows why my gum is front and center, but isn't my mom just so cute? I don't know many moms who are almost 50 and have such cute, youthful faces still. Hopefully I inherited her wrinkle-lite genes.

My Busy Life

My life has been on overdrive since my family reunion...there was the reunion, then my birthday, then Brooke's birthday, then working full time AND training a new girl for 2 weeks (training is harder work than you would think!), then the Morton Logger's Jubilee. Now I should still be running my marathon-o-fun-and-craziness by spending a week in Provo but instead life has come to a crashing halt. I am VERY sad to not be going to Education Week and visiting some of my favorite people in the universe, but it's also nice to be able to relax and breathe again before school starts next week.

Here are some pictures to highlight the two most exciting events of the last few weeks...those being my family reunion on my mom's side and OF COURSE the Logger's Jubilee:


Skylar was helping Kelsey fix her family shirt. Our aunt is banished from ever ordering the shirts again...not only were they a shade of orangey-red that doesn't flatter anyone's skintone, she also ordered Kelsey and my shirts in 2XL MENS! Ok, I readily admit that I am not a skinny girl, but men's 2xl?? I'm not even close to that. Luckily, I got to ditch my shirt early...picture and explanation to follow...


Skylar and I cheesing it up for the camera.


Me on some sort of a boat or canoe. I think the life-jacket on top of the red shirt is especially flattering. Please ignore me as much as possible and just take in the scenery behind me...it was beautiful at Camp Zarahemla!


The Oliver Ladies (minus one) during the family olympic games!


And here's where the story of how I got to ditch our family shirt early begins. The final olympic event of the day was the women's canoe races. My mother got caught up in the excitement of the day and volunteered her sister, herself and me to make up the "Brooks" team. I knew we were in trouble when my mom couldn't even get onto her seat in the canoe for like 5 minutes.


Once she finally balanced herself precariously on the middle seat, we pushed off. Our race went well for about 1.3 seconds, then the forward momentum of the canoe caused my dear mother to fall flat on her back with her legs straight up in the air (My dad calls this the "V for Victory" picture...referencing my mom's leg positions)


As my oblivious aunt kept yelling "Stroke! Stroke!" and I kept trying to yell "Mom, get up!" through my laughter, my mom gamely tried to follow both our orders which of course resulted in us tipping our canoe into the cold, cold lake water.


We may not have won the race, but on the upside we gave everyone's abs a good work out from the laugher AND I found a legitimate excuse to take off that shirt early!


My mom begs me before every family reunion to do something for the talent show. Usually I adamately decline, for fear of embarrasing myself, but after listening to her pleas for weeks I finally gave in this year. I thought as long as I was going to embarrass myself anyway, I might as well go full tilt and do a loud song in an obnoxious english accent dressed as a dirty hobo AND make my mom and sister do it with me!



Brittney came through for the Oliver's with her much more dignified performance of "Castle on a Cloud." While it was very sweet, I can't help but wish she had showcased her rockin' robot dance skillz instead.


My little cousin (I don't know how far removed...she's my grandma's great neice) Elizabeth took this lovely picture of my parents. I don't feel guilty at all for posting it, as my dad ditched a large part of the reunion to go play golf so this is one of the few pictures I have as proof he was really there.


Miss Elizabeth and I. There's tons of adorable kids in my family and she's a good sampling of the cuteness.


Another adorable cousin Rachel got to be baptized in the lake during the reunion. It was very sweet, even her gasping shriek as she emerged from the frigid water. =)


There were over 100 people at our reunion, and I love being around most of them but these two kids are the best. Anthony is my first cousin who is closest to my age on my mom's side and we had a lot of fun together growing up. Now he has a little family and looks like a mexican gangster, but we still manage to have fun. Nathan is my bestest cousin and I had SO much fun seeing him and getting to know his fabulous new wife Lynn better. They were the highlight of the reunion for me!

Wow, posting pictures on this thing is no joke, and while I have tons more from the reunion, I think these capture the essence of my experience pretty well. I feel lucky that even though my mom's family keeps getting bigger and bigger, we still make it a priority to have these big ol' reunions every 2 years. It's always good to see and talk to everyone. Mostly though, it just makes me appreciate my immediate family even more. I just really adore my parents and sisters and all of the crazy fun we have together.

This post is already enormous, so I'm going to do a To Be Continued...Next time I'll show you some pictures of the Morton Logger's Jubilee which I'm totally making an annual event in my life because it was AWESOME!

Another Year

So it was the big 2-5 today. It was a nice day, overall. I had to work because the main receptionist is on vacation, but I got a 2 hour lunch. Mel treated and it was great (as usual) to spend time with her and continue our eternal good conversation. (One time her husband told us to stop talking and go to bed because we had all of the next day to talk to each other and I just shook my head at him and told him there are never enough hours in the day to capture all the things Mel and I find to talk about.)

After work I rushed to my parent's house to clean up for the little party I threw for myself. (I know, it's a little sad and pathetic, but if I didn't do it I wasn't sure if anyone would so I was just proactive about it.) I put out my food and baked and frosted my cake and then waited for the guests to arrive. It was kind of a strange group...a mix of friends I've known for 12 years, some I've only known for 1, 2 or 3 (most of the ones in that group are the spouses or children of the friends I've known forever), and a couple of kids who I've only known for a month or so. They ranged in age from 6 months-26 years. At one point, my dog tried to "get frisky" with my favorite 1 yr old ever, and the highlight of the party was his mom yelling "STOP HUMPING MY BABY!"

Birthdays have never been a big deal in my house...especially mine since my sister's birthday is the next day. Today was pretty laid back as usual, but it was still nice to be told that people love me and remember me. Haha, the only sad thing about the day was I totally lost the Facebook competition. You know how some people get millions of Happy Birthday messages on Facebook and Myspace? I got like 6. Which I appreciate, really. But the same part of me that always wished I was 5'8 and size 2 with amazing boyfriends and lots of money was a little dissapointed that more people didn't say something. Isn't that awful? I should erase that and not post it, but the part of me that thinks it's kind of funny won't let me.

I need to post more stories on my other blog. I will, but it will probably be a little while. Life has been busy with my family reunion (SO FUN -- I'll devote my next post to that) and birthday. And now I'm scheduled to go to the fair and to the Morton LOGGER'S JUBILEE this weekend. I'm totally stoked for both and plan on seeing a lot of really funny rednecks at both events. I'll try and take pictures.

My high school friends and their spouses (who are also my friends...some of them even better than the original high school ones, haha) The single kids had already left the party...you'd think they'd be ready to party hearty and be the last ones to go, but I guess we were a. too boring or b. too exciting for them. I'm not sure which.

Just Do It

If you haven't already, check out my new blog storytimewithjessica.blogspot.com I've been having SO much fun remembering all the craziest and most ridiculous times in my life. Let me know what you think!

Latest Obsession

Bought it. Played it. Will Continue to play all night long...LOOOOVE IT!!

Slacker

I'm being a slacker with this blog. Life just isn't very exciting right now. It's ESPECIALLY not exciting today, and I'm being a big huge slacker at work. It's totally illegal for me to be on the computer like this (like, illegal with the boss, not the law) but I haven't had a patient come in for over 3 hours and I forgot to bring a book with me today so I am breaking the rules, dangit!

It's gorgeous outside. The sun is taunting me from the glass windows and doors. If I wasn't working, I think I'd go miniature golfing or go to a park to picnic and play on the swings today. I love playground equipment and I'm almost 25 years old. Some things are just timeless, I guess.

People keep bugging me lately about what I'm going to do with my life after I graduate next April. I keep telling them it's still 9 months away and I'll just stress myself out by trying to make plans right now. That's one of the reasons I figured out I was unhappy for so long...because I spent so much time anticipating the future so instead now I'm just enjoying the present, but apparently my family and friends didn't get the memo to just let me enjoy it haha. I appreciate their curiosity and concern, but now I can't turn my brain off and every night before I go to bed I find myself considering different careers, types of companies, and different living situations for next year. I SHOULD just be able to fill my head with images of that hot man Will from So You Think You Can Dance, but no, it's all questions and worries instead. Sigh. Hopefully soon I'll retrain my brain again.

Ok, this has taken a whole 5 minutes to type. Now I just have to find a way to fill FOUR more hours before I can leave work and do something fun with my life!

Age Barrier

Well, I may officially be the lamest girl ever now. I've been hanging out with kids who range from being 2 to 7 years younger than me...and I'm totally having a fun time doing it! I need to stop making comments about how old I am though because I don't think they even notice. I'm just a little self conscious that some of these kids are YOUNGER than kids I used to babysit. But I can either only hang out with married people, spend a lot of time alone, or suck it up and get over preconcieved notions I have about age barriers and just have fun with some new friends.



I continue to feel a lasting change within myself. I laugh more and talk more and love myself more everyday. I need to kick my own butt into gear and go to the gym more often so I can feel good inside AND out, but I'm definitely not ungrateful for the inner confidence I've found again. It's amazing how depression and opposition tell you such lies about who you are and what your gifts and talents are. The lies are louder than all the truths told to you by your loved ones. I have felt a little lost for years now, but while in the midst of it I didn't even realize how much of the old me had disappeared. Don't get me wrong, there is still progress to be made and also maintenance is the hardest thing for me but I really believe that I'm moving in the right direction.




It's good to be back!

It Happened Again...

Another crazy old lady called me yesterday. This one was not a patient and was apparently fully aware that she was calling a physical therapy office (at least she said so when I asked her if she know she had called a physical therapy office.) This lady was calling to ask for help because she is in a wheelchair and a dumpster has been blocking the sidewalk and she was afraid she was going to get hit by a car and killed when wheeling around it. The dumpster was

not at her house

not in front of the office where I work

not on the same side of town where I work

It was behind a Fred Meyer on the other side of town. And she just needed me to help her because it has been a week and a half and nothing has been done. I suggested she call the store. She had. I suggested she find out who owned the business park and call them. She didn't want to. So I suggested she call the police department (NOT 911...I emphasized that at least 3 times because she seemed crazy enough to call 911 over this matter.)

She seemed satisfied with that and finally hung up. And once again I was left staring at the phone in my hands, laughing and laughing. I love crazy people.

Numb What? Spelling Bee

How can you not LOVE this??

Crazy Customer Service

Sometimes customer service jobs are the worst and SO stressful because people are just plain selfish and rude. Other times, the jobs put you in contact with the funniest, craziest people ever! I've had men propose to me (dates, marriage and even one offer just to be the "pretty young thing" on his arm to make him more attractive to an ex). A lot of funny old men tell the silliest jokes ever and laugh and laugh at themselves. Women tell me the weirdest, most personal stories about themselves. One time a lady stopped talking and just screamed into the phone, like for 10 seconds all I heard was a banshee scream. It was hilarious!

Right now I word at a Physical Therapy clinic, and also at an Urgent Care center. Yeah, the Crazies come in force to medical facilities. Mostly I love it because they crack me up. My most recent encounter with a Crazy was yesterday. I was upstairs taking care of medical records stuff on the PT side and I had to answer the phone because the front desk receptionist was on the other line. This old lady was on the other line and our conversation went something like this: (her name has been changed so the HIPAA police don't come and hang me from the ceiling by my toes)

"Thank you for calling Vancouver Rehab, this is Jessica."

"Yes, hello? Oh, hi. This is Pearl Johnson. I don't know why I just told you that, I'm sure you don't care and it doesn't matter for what I need anyways. Ok, this is my physical therapy office, right."

"Yes it is. How can I help you?"

"Well young lady, I need your expertise. I have an important anatomy question and I really need your help or it is just going to ruin the rest of my day. I need to know the word for a body part. At the very end of your spine, on the butt end. You, know the very end and there is a bundle of nerves there except there is no exit for nerve impulses."

-pause, in which I am deciding whether to tell her I have no knowledge of anatomy or not, and also wondering how this relates to her PT-

"And it's called the horse's neck or something like that and I am here with my friends and we're trying and trying to remember the name. Of that place, on the end of the spine that's like a horse. Oh, you just have to tell me the name because you know how it is when you can't remember something that you know you know and it is really upsetting me and I know my whole day is going to be ruined if you don't tell me."

--it finally dawns on me that this call has NOTHING to do with physical therapy, she is just plain crazy and apparently is too old to know what Googling means.--

"Uh, ok can you hold for a minute please?"

I proceeded to walk downstairs, ask 2 PT aides and 1 PT what the scientific name for the butt-end of the spine named after a horse's body part where there are no exits for nerve impulses is. I then walked all the way back upstairs and told the crazy old lady on the phone the word she was looking for. She was very grateful and relieved and hung up without ever mentioning PT appointments or treatments. I hung up and laughed very loud while my coworkers looked on. I am trying to imagine what kind of conversation was taking place between a bunch of old ladies in which it is necessary discuss the cauda equina, especially one in which the actual scientific term was required.

Oh well, talking to her made me happy and also I'm now a little smarter for having had the conversation. =)

To Every Thing There is a Season

My personal theme and one of my goals for the last year or so is to stop being a "THEN I'll be Happy" person. I know I've mentioned it on here before somewhere. "When I start dating..." "When I get married..." "When I'm done with school..." "When I can travel..." etc. etc. I know that I'm not alone in my way of thinking. When we are looking so hard at our imaginary ideal futures, we miss so much good in our current seasons.

I went to Relief Society Enrichment last night and the topic of the night was womanhood (shocker). This theme of seasons and fully embracing each season of womanhood kept coming up and it gave me renewed inspiration to be more optimistic and appreciate the good things about my life right now.

I'm taking a class called Work and Family and it's all about the benefits and struggles of working moms. The professor is really smart and engaging, but her social views are pretty different from mine. And some things she says are REALLY opposite to general opinions about gender held by many Mormons. So it took me by surprise last night when many of the things my professor has discussed in my class came up at the Relief Society meeting. One thing in particular that was repeated almost word for word was how women are taking on too much and forgetting to take time to care for themselves. The analogy of placing your own oxygen mask on before your children in case of emergency on a plane came up both in class and at the meeting last night. I think that all women struggle with this to some degree, especially wives and mothers...finding the balance between total sacrifice and total selfishness because both extremes are unhealthy.

The epiphany I had today while I was thinking about seasons and also about finding balance was this; I am grateful for this time in my life as a young, single woman. I am really grateful that I can afford to be more selfish than most without hurting a husband or even boyfriend or children. If I were not single, I probably would not be able to really take the time to conquer my depression and really learn who I am the way that I have. For some people, having a partner is what helps them through their struggles, but in my case I think I would have been too worried about making them happy, and wallowing in feelings of inadequacy and insecurity to have made as much progress as I have.

It sounds so strange to say I'm grateful that I can be selfish, but I really am. I think it is helping me to be happy right now, and I think it is preparing me for a future when more sacrifice and less selfishness will be necessary. I'll have much more to give, I hope.

Other things about my life RIGHT NOW that I appreciate:
- being friends with my sisters for the first time, especially Skylar
- my really good relationship with my parents
- no rent
- as long as i have the money, i can leave on a roadtrip or on a plane at the drop of a hat
- going to really fun concerts
- it's So You Think You Can Dance season
- my friendships have a depth that they didn't 10 years ago...i'm especially grateful to still be really close to friends that i WAS friends with 10 years ago
- i'm not farsighted yet so i can still read with ease
- there's a LOT of really great music out right now and i appreciate it
- i can sleep 8 hours a night and if i don't it's not because of a crying baby
- i'm not yet too old to still act immaturely sometimes...sometimes it feels good to be a little immature and a lot silly

And the list goes on and on.

It's Like Missing Christmas

OH NO! I have been running around like a crazy person for the last few weeks with way too much stuff on my plate so I haven't had time to watch t.v. (I haven't even watched the Lost finale yet...) and I haven't had time to hang out at the parents' house and hijack their satellite and so

I MISSED THE ANNUAL NATIONAL SPELLING BEE!

You have no idea the amount of anguish this causes me. I look forward to catching it on ESPN and ESPN2 every year. I've converted many a friend/roommate/family member to its awesomeness. Laugh, scoff or scorn me if you will. It's the best thing since sliced bread and now I have to wait a whole 'nother year to see it again.

=-(

Steady as She Goes

I had a brief moment of sadness tonight when I let myself give into irrational fears about my future. But don't worry, it lasted but a moment and now I'm ok again. I think. No, I am. I'm just in a really weird place right now and am trying to make sense out of a life that I never imagined for myself. But I'm learning that unexpected doesn't mean bad and really am trying to have a good attitude and be as happy as possible in circumstances I never anticipated.

I need to do something to help me feel like more of an adult. I FEEL pretty mature and like I have age-appropriate levels of intelligence and stuff. But then when I describe my life to myself or others, I always revert to feeling like an 18 year old (or younger). Here's a partial list of current things about me...which of these things sound like they come from the life of an almost 25 year old?

1. Not yet finished with a bachelor's degree...been out of high school for 7 years
2. Live 2 miles from home and spend the majority of time with parents and sisters
3. Working part-time making barely more than minimum wage (I did have a salaried job earning $30,000/yr. 2 years ago, but I quit that and reverted back to student friendly work)
4. Never touched tobacco, alchohol or any substances really with a stronger punch than Dr. Pepper (according to Brian, I'm REALLY missing out here, haha). Can you be an adult without waltzing into the office each morning with your sophisticated cup-o-Joe from Starbucks? p.s. nothing makes you feel like more of a 5 year old than going out to "coffee" with friends and ordering a hot cocoa with whip cream on top, haha
5. Never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 2 weeks (and that one was Jr. year of high school!)
6. Have not travelled further east than Colorado, mostly only "travel" to Utah...LAME!
7. No significant worldly possessions such as furniture (for some reason I associate adulthood with needing a U-Haul to move, as opposed to just loading up my car and fitting everything I own in that one load)
8. No mortgage or car payments to speak of, and I only just got my first credit card last month. Also I don't balance my checkbook.
9. It's fun for me to go somewhere and have to show my ID...like to a comedy club. I get a little thrill from it because I've only had to do it 4, maybe 5 times since my 21st birthday in 2004. Mind you, I'm not participating in any activities that require me to be over 21, but it still feels cool and adultish to have to whip out that license!
10. I totally get wrapped up in MTV reality shows like The Hills. That has to be proof I'm not an adult yet, right?

What other normal, mature almost 25 year olds have lives that look like this? In my experience, it's 98% weirdo's who are over the age of 18 (16?) and have a resume similar to mine. You know -- the socially awkward, slightly stinky, and always oblivious weirdo's. So am I delusional and desperate and maybe a little conceited to be convincing myself that I'm part of that 2% who is fun and smart and not socially retarded? I just don't know. And I don't trust any of you who say that I am part of the awesome 2%, because you are my friends or my family so you have to be nice and also you think I need your encouragement (aka pity?) and I hate it when people think I'm digging for compliments when I REALLY and TRULY am not. I'm just trying to figure things out by talking and typing to get everything out of my head where I can examine it a little better. Then again, it never hurts to hear exactly why I am freaking awesome so if you genuinely feel so inclined, fire away. Haha.

Reason #14 I am crazy (I don't know what number I'm actually on so I'm just choosing at random now):
One time in church I made a comment likening sanctification to childbirth. Like literal, dripping from the creation, childbirth. I talked about babies being suddenly cut out of their mother's stomachs vs. gradually popping out the hoo-hah and how that's like each of our spiritual journeys. It made sense at the time, but I also knew it was weird and a little gross to talk about in a church setting (any setting?). But I plowed on anyways.

Haha, I totally entertain myself.

Robert Muraine Audition - SYTYCD 4 - [BEST QUALITY]

Holy crap, this guy is SICK! I *heart* So You Think You Can Dance and am sooooo stoked for the new season!!

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire!

Sexy!!

Silly Jessie

Jessie and her sister, Taylor

(please excuse her messy hair, I was not on the ball this day)

The family I live with is going out of town this weekend, which means I have three days of me-n-Jessie time ahead of me. I haven't talked about Jessie very much (if at all) on here, but she's been a big part of my life for the last 6-7 months. Thanks to her, I get a free apartment in the Stake President's house, and a job at the SP's physical therapy clinic and urgent care clinic. Also, his sister who runs HR for all of his clinics has offered me a career after I graduate (one that I don't think I'll take, but it's nice to have the option.) All this because Jessie's mom picked me out of a crowd to be friends with and care for her daughter.

Jessie just turned 20. We have the same first and middle names. She loves movies...especially romantic comedies and old westerns. She is totally boy crazy. She likes to play tricks on me and laughs when I look stupid. She also has Angelman Syndrome. This means that she doesn't talk at all and can't walk long distances. She can feed herself with a spoon but is still working on the whole fork thing. I get to bathe her, dress her and change her diaper when I'm watching her. In some ways she is super smart, but a lot of the time hanging out with her is just like hanging out with an adult-sized toddler. I never thought I would be friends with someone like Jessie, but I'm so glad I am because I have learned a lot from her and also she ALWAYS makes me laugh and laughter is my very favorite thing!!

One time when I was making dinner in the kitchen, I could hear Jessie laughing periodically. She was watching a western and when I went in to see what she thought was so funny, I realized that she was laughing everytime a cowboy pulled a gun out of his holster. If anyone got shot, she REALLY thought that was funny. She also thinks The Three Stooges, dogs and anyone falling down are hilarious.

The falling down doesn't have to happen on-screen for Jessie to get a good laugh. I took her to the mall once and was having a hard time maneuvering her wheelchair out of the non-automatic doors (the wheelchair is just for when we're going to be on our feet a long time.) It was my first time with her in the wheelchair and I wasn't smart enough to figure out that if I went backwards out the door, I could hang on to her chair and get out easily. So instead I twisted myself into a knot trying to shove the door open by reaching over her head and then running out the door before it closed all the way and then grabbing her chair -- and before I knew it, I was flat on my butt and Jessie was laughing (loudly) at my predicament.

Jessie also likes to play tricks on me for her own amusement. One time I made pizza and got hers all ready for her, then put mine on a plate and turned to fill my water cup. I heard an (evil) laugh and when I turned around, Jessie has pulled all the cheese and toppings off of my pizza and was VERY proud of her little joke. The last time her parents were out of town, I had put her in the tub and then left to put in a load of laundry. Jessie, the little stinker, has always led me to believe that she can't get out of the tub without my help. So imagine my surprise when I headed back to the bathroom only to be intercepted by a dripping wet, naked Jessie who then ran away from me laughing her head off!

When it comes to boys, Jessie is a totally normal boy-crazy 20 year old. When a hot guy comes on the screen on tv or in a movie, she yells and wiggles and (if at home) scoots as close to the screen as possible to get close to her crush. Here is a list of her favorites since I've started watching her:

1. Ed Speleers from Eragon

2. Logan Bartholomew from Love's Enduring Promise

3. James Franco from Fly Boys

4. James Marsden from X-Men, Ever After, Hairspray and 27 Dresses

5. And last (but DEFINITELY not least) is her favorite, Zac Efron -- of HSM and Hairspray fame

She has good taste, no? Maybe I should ask her what she thinks about Mr. Mark Ruffalo, haha.

I have so much fun with Jessie whenever we hang out. She is almost always happy and willing to give hugs and play. I also really love her family and am so appreciative of everything that her mom and dad do for me. In the long run, Jessie will have only been a direct part of my life for a moment, but the influence she's had on my heart and spirit will last forever and ever. Super cheesy, I know, but very, very true.

A Little Bit of This and A Little Bit of That

My sleeping habits have been AWFUL lately, and the other night I was up until 4 talking to my friend online. I didn't think it would effect me too badly, but last night I couldn't sleep until 5 so I left work early today because I was woozy and dizzy from only getting 1 hour of sleep. And now here I am again at 12:30 facing the choice of finishing my laundry because I'm fresh out of clean undies, or trying to get some shut eye at a semi-decent hour. Oh brother. Gone are the good ol' days of being 18 or 19 years old, able to stay up all night and survive off of 2-3 hours of sleep every night. Maybe something in me is rebelling against my real age and trying to be young again and that's why I cant sleep lately. Or I've just been doing pretty well in most areas of my life, and subconsciously I'm self-sabotaging. Hmmm...could that be reason #9 I'm crazy?

I taught the lesson at our stake YSA FHE (Young Single Adult Family Home Evening --Mormons seriously have their own language) and I think it went well. I didn't prepare for it as much as I should have, but luckily the kids there were willing and able to have a discussion and made lots of really good comments. That made my job a lot easier. I HATE having to sit through 45 minute lessons where the speaker doesn't ask any questions or allow comments. It's boring and I don't get anything out of it. The whole point of YSA FHE is that we're all about the same age living similar experiences, so we have a lot to learn from each other. I just wanted to give us a chance to do that. Hopefully the adults in charge of FHE took note and will encourage future teachers to give lessons that are conducive to good discussions.

Six week school terms are totally the way to go. I'm already halfway done with this term! It goes so fast I don't have time to be lazy.

I had a run-in at the gym this weekend with a crazy old hairy fat man named Don. He got me kicked out of the steam room. When I talked to management about it the next day, they assured me that they hated Don (apparently he tattled on someone one time for sweating too much while exercising...no joke) and that I had been in the right the day before. The employee who kicked me out will be informed of the actual steam room rules. I am glad, because I feared that my favorite part of the gym was going to be stolen away from me. I looooove the steam room so much -- way more than a regular old sauna. I would just like to end this tonight by telling that crazy man who has nothing better to do than follow people around and try and get them in trouble when they're not doing anything wrong:

Don, suck it.

I'll Consider Your Votes

Ok, jeez, apparently my adorable Mark Ruffalo is NOT sexy enough for some people so here are some other options I'll consider for marriage, or I'd settle for just a sexy romp in the hay if that's what it came down to.

I don't know if you'll like this guy if you don't like Mark Ruffalo. What can I say? I'm drawn to the puppy dog eyes I guess.



Pure sex appeal with this guy. Seeing him and listening to that sexy accent makes my pulse race and my palms a little sweaty.



Ok, last (but not least)...How could you NOT want a guy with this much sexy confidence...Rawr!



So there you are. Brad Pitt's turning into a baby-collecting elder so he's out but I'm still open to other suggestions.

In other news, two weddings are coming up in which I'll be forced to wear a fancy dress. If that doesn't motivate me to finally lose this weight, I don't know what will. Here's hoping that I'll be lookin' good by the end of August/September...

Random

This is who I am convinced I am going to marry. No seriously, I will find him and he will be mine. Somehow, someway, someday:



So I finished my semester a couple of weeks ago and I checked my grades this week, peaking with one eye because I was bracing myself for some C-ish grades. But apparently I am either really lucky or just really bad at calculating grades on my own because I totally got 3 A's and 1 A-minus. I am super excited, but I also feel a little funny about one class in particular. The grade for that class is supposed to be based on 10 weekly assignments (I only did 8) and two 6-7 page papers (I turned in one a month late and didn't do the other one at all). Yet I somehow got an A. What the...? It was my world religion class, and I always participated in class and so I guess my teacher just pictured me as a good student in her head based on that and ignored her grade book. Is it bad that I laugh about it more than I feel guilt for it?

Reason #8 I am crazy:
I remembered last night the time when I watched a Hilary Duff movie. The whole thing. And I cried through 70% of it. I was 23 at the time.

I'm so funny, for real.

Romans 8:16-19

The last few years have been full of ups and downs testimony-wise. Actually, a few months ago I was at my lowest point; not only doubting the truth of the LDS church, but also questioning the existence of God. There have been a series of events since that time that have slowly but surely turned me back to the path that I was on before. I am back to believing in the existence of God and believing that He is aware of me and deliberately has inspired people to come into my life who can help me in my spiritual journey.

Unrelated to my quest for a testimony, I decided to take a World Religions class this semester. I just thought it would be interesting to learn more about religions and cultures that I was unfamiliar with. I didn't realize that of course I would automatically hold each set of beliefs up against those I was raised with to see how they compared. I guess you could say that the thoughts and feelings I have experienced are due to the fact that people tend to return to whatever is familiar to them, because it is comfortable. I can't really argue with that. All I know is that it has been fascinating to learn about Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Indigenous religions, Atheism, Islam and Christianity. There are elements of each that are really wonderful and attractive. Also, there are many things that don't make any sense to me. As I take a look at these other faiths and listen to speakers who practice those faiths describe their doctrines and listen to the comments and questions of my peers, I keep on feeling stronger and stronger that The Church of Jesus Christ just makes sense. Ok, I don't get all of it and I could dwell on nitpicking all of the things I don't understand and get lost in them. But instead I am choosing to focus on how exciting it is to rediscover truths that I have been taught since birth and always taken for granted.

I've never had a problem with being LDS, and have for most of my life happily accepted its part in my life. I used to be very closed off to other faiths and belief systems. A naive part of me believed that if I opened myself up too much, I would be corrupted and weakened somehow. Well, my insatiable love for meeting interesting people and learning and collecting all of their stories didn't allow me to isolate myself for long. As I came into more frequent contact with "skaters" and "goths" and other Christians and atheists and agnostics, etc etc I fell in love with many of them and tucked my own beliefs out of sight, not out of disbelief or shame, but because I wanted to make all my new friends feel comfortable enough to share everything about themselves with me. Parading my beliefs only led to abrupt ends of conversations, or to battles attempting to convert one another.

If you tuck something away for long enough, you lose it little by little. I think that's part of what happened to me. But I really truly loved being able to adapt to different situations and form genuine and lasting relationships with people so different from myself. I don't regret it. What I am discovering, in part thanks to the class I'm taking, is that I don't have to hide my beliefs to maintain valuable and diverse relationships. And really, aren't I cheating if I expect others to reveal themselves completely to me but diminish a huge part of who I am for their "benefit"?

I'm loving life again, for a lot of different reasons. I'm feeling more like my old social self...no more panic attacks at the thought of having to sit next to strangers in class or attend church functions where I don't know anyone. I am seeing an amazing counselor who is helping me dissect myself--my present and my past--and after examining the pieces, put them back together in a much more understanding and optimistic way. I made the same mistakes that I always do in school this semester, but guess what? Instead of giving in to feelings of failure and shame I squared my shoulders and held my head high and because of that I'm finishing successfully. I thought drugs and therapy would "fix" me and my definition of being fixed was to stop making mistakes, or at least to stop making the same ones over and over. Imagine my surprise as I've learned the key isn't to stop making mistakes (although that's still a worthy goal, eventually) but instead to shift my reactions to those mistakes once they've been made. It's not about what we do wrong, but whether or not we keep fighting to do right and learn and grow and pick ourselves up each time we fall down. I'm not losing because I'm fighting a lot of the same battles. I would be losing if I had given into each of those weaknesses and had moved on to deeper and darker problems with no hope of ever recovering. But instead, I'm learning to recognize that I am a winner precisely because I have picked myself up 1,569,231 times and will continue to do so. One day I will be able to take those weaknesses, one by one, and offer them up to someone better able to permanently erase them. Until I've mastered that part of the Atonement, I'll keep fighting and winning the only way I can.

I'm rediscovering the things about myself that I used to recognize and own with confidence. One of these is my natural curiosity and ability to ask questions in church and in world religion and in biology and among friends that prompt meaningful answers. I think that asking good questions is an art, and I believe it's one of my talents. I feel confident speaking in front of my peers, and believe the things I have to say have value. I haven't believed I had anything valuable to offer for a few years now, so this is huge for me. For a long time I've been going through the motions, so on the surface most people couldn't tell just how much I was hating life and myself. I'm a really good actress. My actions haven't changed a whole lot, on the surface, but now that I am falling in love with me again I can OWN my actions and my strengths and so while others may not notice, to me I am a different person. I AM, instead of TRYING TO APPEAR TO BE.

Back to the original topic, along with falling in love with me again, I am also falling in love with the testimony that I had hidden away and almost lost, as puny as it is right now. I have never been in a serious relationship, but I imagine what I am feeling now is similar to a love-struck teenager. I can't get enough of the scriptures, I get lost for hours on LDS.org, I LOVE conversations with people of other religions who enrich my faith because of our common beliefs. I hope to have this euphoric love mature into something deep and penetrating and steadfast. I still struggle with the idea of having the ability to build a personal relationship with God. I don't think I love me quite enough yet to believe He wants to listen to my silly prayers and watch my silly life. But I sure do believe He loves my friends and family, because I love them so so much and see exactly why God would too. So, as I work on loving myself more, and reaquainting myself with old beliefs about God and His Son and the Atonement, I hope that in time a personal relationship will come. I also hope I can start to figure out the tricky business of being worthy of promptings from the Holy Ghost and of recognizing them when they come.

I know I've been all over the place in this post tonight, but I can't slow my mind or heart or fingers so I've just let everything spill out the way it wanted to. I feel full of life, and that is something I've been craving for a very long time. Thank you to all of my friends and to my family who do and don't read this. For loving me when I don't love myself because in all honesty there have been dark times when without you I would not have been able to find any motivation to keep going. And for being my link to God because I can't see or hear or feel Him, but I sure can see and hear and feel you guys and I think He knows that and uses it to help me as I limp along day by day. I appreciate your patience with me and all of my silliness and depressingness and searching.

I have no good way to end this, so I guess I'll just say Good Night.